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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 749540" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>As mothers most of us can't separate our own welfare from that of our child's. I believe this is instinctive. How long would the human species last if the majority of mothers put their own interests above their child's in all things?</p><p></p><p>But children grow up. Now it gets complicated in situations like your own and mine where there is mental illness involved. Because many of these young adults do not adequately care for themselves. But at the same time they will not subordinate their will or control...in any way...and they are belligerent, hostile and destructive.</p><p></p><p>With varying degrees of success we try and try to assert our own agenda which is to get them to make better decisions and to function in ways we know would be better. And we try. And we try.</p><p>This gives our young adults a great deal of leverage. I would go so far as to say that it empowers them. Nowhere in their lives do they have the power they have over us and with us. They hurt us and we ask, <em>what did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong?</em></p><p></p><p>This is the only <em>upside down inside out</em> behavior we can control. Our own <em>inside out </em>thinking.</p><p></p><p>It seems to me that you are still believing the cure for your child is in <em>YOU. </em>And you still hold onto to the belief that you in some way caused it. I don't think this is entirely irrational.*I did it too. I think it is self-protective. I think that you believe on some level that if it's your fault you have some control. You don't. No matter how much and how long you hold yourself responsible and accept his punishment--it will have no effect on his condition. His condition is in him and about him. You only have the potential for control in you.</p><p></p><p>All you can do right now (to my way of thinking) is learn to focus on you. Until your child can control his behavior sufficiently to not target you, I don't see what else you can do. I have known any number of young men with bipolar illness who have through medication and therapy turned this around. But first there has to be a modicum of willingness. By what you describe in your son he has the capacity to turn this around. But this is not something over which you have any control, I don't think.</p><p></p><p>But you are the one who has control over how he treats you. You stop it by stopping it. By not being around it. By not being around him. By limiting contact through text, email, phone, etc. He is not being helped by being allowed to target you. And it will stop only when you stop it. Waiting for him to stop it is not the way this will stop. You will stop it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 749540, member: 18958"] As mothers most of us can't separate our own welfare from that of our child's. I believe this is instinctive. How long would the human species last if the majority of mothers put their own interests above their child's in all things? But children grow up. Now it gets complicated in situations like your own and mine where there is mental illness involved. Because many of these young adults do not adequately care for themselves. But at the same time they will not subordinate their will or control...in any way...and they are belligerent, hostile and destructive. With varying degrees of success we try and try to assert our own agenda which is to get them to make better decisions and to function in ways we know would be better. And we try. And we try. This gives our young adults a great deal of leverage. I would go so far as to say that it empowers them. Nowhere in their lives do they have the power they have over us and with us. They hurt us and we ask, [I]what did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong?[/I] This is the only [I]upside down inside out[/I] behavior we can control. Our own [I]inside out [/I]thinking. It seems to me that you are still believing the cure for your child is in [I]YOU. [/I]And you still hold onto to the belief that you in some way caused it. I don't think this is entirely irrational.*I did it too. I think it is self-protective. I think that you believe on some level that if it's your fault you have some control. You don't. No matter how much and how long you hold yourself responsible and accept his punishment--it will have no effect on his condition. His condition is in him and about him. You only have the potential for control in you. All you can do right now (to my way of thinking) is learn to focus on you. Until your child can control his behavior sufficiently to not target you, I don't see what else you can do. I have known any number of young men with bipolar illness who have through medication and therapy turned this around. But first there has to be a modicum of willingness. By what you describe in your son he has the capacity to turn this around. But this is not something over which you have any control, I don't think. But you are the one who has control over how he treats you. You stop it by stopping it. By not being around it. By not being around him. By limiting contact through text, email, phone, etc. He is not being helped by being allowed to target you. And it will stop only when you stop it. Waiting for him to stop it is not the way this will stop. You will stop it. [/QUOTE]
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