Well, I'm 11 months in to my retirement and 8 days away from my daughter's legal hassle's finally being over....life has sure changed dramatically in the last couple of years.
I came on this forum about the same time my daughter began the darkest times, when she was arrested and became homeless........that's the point at which my life took a dramatic turn and I ended up living in a horror movie. What an incredible nightmare of massive financial output, continuing dramas and chaos, manipulations, angry outbursts, resentments, rage, sorrow, grief, powerlessness and the ever present fear. I look back on it now and wonder how I survived it. All of you know what I mean.......we're all living it or were living it.
However, I sought help and things changed. For the last 4 years I've practiced detachment and it worked. Little by little I stepped out of my daughters sphere of influence, I never stopping loving her, but I clearly stopping enabling her.
You may recall that in April/May, she was just finishing with the first legal case when a second one popped up. We knew it would be months before this case was finished and there was a lot she had to do to make it work. Her usual M.O. was to avoid, deny, manipulate or run. I told her if she did any of that, I would be stepping out completely, that this was her chance to show up and do the right thing, or she could do her usual without me. Amazingly, she showed up! She went to each appointment, each court date, she handled it all, it kind of blew me away too. I had told her that if she did the right thing and took responsibility for her actions I would help her, no money, but driving her to her various appointments and court dates. During this time she set up an appointment with a Psychiatrist to begin therapy and apply for disability. I had tried unsuccessfully to get that for her 5 years earlier but she was not ready and was not only mean to me about it, but refused to follow up so it turned out to be a dead end.
She also began going to my acupuncturist and chiropractor since she suffers from sciatica and neck and back issues. The chiropractor told me that if she can get her physical needs met, get out of pain, clean up her diet etc. that she would begin to make better choices. She gave up coffee and started taking supplements. She is actively searching for a better place to live. Once she is through with the legal issues, she will be free to get a job which she intends to do. She has begun making better choices which are making her feel better about herself too.
It's been a hard year for my daughter for as she has begun to dig herself out of the holes she placed herself in, it's not been a fun ride.....change is never easy and she had left her life unattended for 16 years since her husband died. She had and will continue to have, a lot of work to do. My role now is more like a guide, a check in point, someone for her to run things by and ask advice about and this time......she's listening! I see her making healthy strides in the right direction where ultimately she will be in a much, much better living arrangement, with a job, and a whole new lease on life. She's been in a 16 year nightmare and in the last 2 years she has awakened from it.
Our relationship has flourished. I see her more because I offered to be her designated driver as she turns her life around, until she can repair her own car. We've spent a good amount of time together lately, which I see as an opportunity for us to change the pattern of our relationship, from enabler and victim to equals. As that shift has taken place, she has taken me to lunch (!!!!!) expresses how much she loves me all the time and how grateful she is to me.......is thankful and appreciative and concerns herself with my well being, which actually never happened before to this degree.
She is and always will be an unusual person. I have to keep my strong boundaries, be very clear with her about what I'm willing to do and not willing to do.....but that way of thinking has served me in all parts of my life, I am quite good now at saying no, setting boundaries and making sure I get my needs met......I've learned A LOT and it's improved my life in numerous, important and meaningful ways.
My granddaughter is doing exceptionally well, I am super proud of her as she launches out on her own. I am not responsible for her for the most part, she has taken the reins of her own life not only willingly, but happily!
As this year progressed, there have been some bumps along the way..... retirement I come to find out, has a couple of interesting "stages" and thankfully, I am in the final stages of integration which means that I am now looking forward to what is next for me as opposed to going through the grief and letting go part. I'm putting together a new "vision" for myself. My husband and I are talking about taking long road trips, perhaps with a small trailer we can tow with our SUV......putting together a new adventure......it's exciting! We've even spoken about selling the house and moving to another country! There are so many options!
I look back on this year and I see how necessary it was for me to rest.......like all of you, I'd been in a war zone for many years and I didn't realize how utterly exhausted I was......I needed this year of little to do so I could regain my energy, vitality and motivation. 8 months ago we began a plant based/whole foods dietary program, eliminated sugar, dairy, meat, processed foods & most animal products, and we started a hiking and exercise regiment. We're probably in the best shape of our lives right now which adds to my new sense of motivation and excitement for whatever the next step is. I wouldn't have done that, focusing my attention on my own health and diet when I was in the throes of enabling.......there just wasn't any room for ME in the old paradigm. I've learned to put myself first and as a result, life has changed so much for the better.
It is not perfect, there are always challenges with my daughter, but they are small things, based mostly on how differently she thinks and operates, but I have accepted her as she is....before I was trying to change her, but I changed me instead and then she changed.......and then love blossomed in a different way for she and I......we accepted each other as we are......and that changed everything.
I ask that you hold a good thought, a prayer, or warm wishes for my daughter as she starts her new life......she has a lot to do to get herself on level ground now.....thank you.
Thank you all for your support, being on this forum for all these years has helped me to be able to let go, accept what is and begin my own new life....I am so grateful......
I came on this forum about the same time my daughter began the darkest times, when she was arrested and became homeless........that's the point at which my life took a dramatic turn and I ended up living in a horror movie. What an incredible nightmare of massive financial output, continuing dramas and chaos, manipulations, angry outbursts, resentments, rage, sorrow, grief, powerlessness and the ever present fear. I look back on it now and wonder how I survived it. All of you know what I mean.......we're all living it or were living it.
However, I sought help and things changed. For the last 4 years I've practiced detachment and it worked. Little by little I stepped out of my daughters sphere of influence, I never stopping loving her, but I clearly stopping enabling her.
You may recall that in April/May, she was just finishing with the first legal case when a second one popped up. We knew it would be months before this case was finished and there was a lot she had to do to make it work. Her usual M.O. was to avoid, deny, manipulate or run. I told her if she did any of that, I would be stepping out completely, that this was her chance to show up and do the right thing, or she could do her usual without me. Amazingly, she showed up! She went to each appointment, each court date, she handled it all, it kind of blew me away too. I had told her that if she did the right thing and took responsibility for her actions I would help her, no money, but driving her to her various appointments and court dates. During this time she set up an appointment with a Psychiatrist to begin therapy and apply for disability. I had tried unsuccessfully to get that for her 5 years earlier but she was not ready and was not only mean to me about it, but refused to follow up so it turned out to be a dead end.
She also began going to my acupuncturist and chiropractor since she suffers from sciatica and neck and back issues. The chiropractor told me that if she can get her physical needs met, get out of pain, clean up her diet etc. that she would begin to make better choices. She gave up coffee and started taking supplements. She is actively searching for a better place to live. Once she is through with the legal issues, she will be free to get a job which she intends to do. She has begun making better choices which are making her feel better about herself too.
It's been a hard year for my daughter for as she has begun to dig herself out of the holes she placed herself in, it's not been a fun ride.....change is never easy and she had left her life unattended for 16 years since her husband died. She had and will continue to have, a lot of work to do. My role now is more like a guide, a check in point, someone for her to run things by and ask advice about and this time......she's listening! I see her making healthy strides in the right direction where ultimately she will be in a much, much better living arrangement, with a job, and a whole new lease on life. She's been in a 16 year nightmare and in the last 2 years she has awakened from it.
Our relationship has flourished. I see her more because I offered to be her designated driver as she turns her life around, until she can repair her own car. We've spent a good amount of time together lately, which I see as an opportunity for us to change the pattern of our relationship, from enabler and victim to equals. As that shift has taken place, she has taken me to lunch (!!!!!) expresses how much she loves me all the time and how grateful she is to me.......is thankful and appreciative and concerns herself with my well being, which actually never happened before to this degree.
She is and always will be an unusual person. I have to keep my strong boundaries, be very clear with her about what I'm willing to do and not willing to do.....but that way of thinking has served me in all parts of my life, I am quite good now at saying no, setting boundaries and making sure I get my needs met......I've learned A LOT and it's improved my life in numerous, important and meaningful ways.
My granddaughter is doing exceptionally well, I am super proud of her as she launches out on her own. I am not responsible for her for the most part, she has taken the reins of her own life not only willingly, but happily!
As this year progressed, there have been some bumps along the way..... retirement I come to find out, has a couple of interesting "stages" and thankfully, I am in the final stages of integration which means that I am now looking forward to what is next for me as opposed to going through the grief and letting go part. I'm putting together a new "vision" for myself. My husband and I are talking about taking long road trips, perhaps with a small trailer we can tow with our SUV......putting together a new adventure......it's exciting! We've even spoken about selling the house and moving to another country! There are so many options!
I look back on this year and I see how necessary it was for me to rest.......like all of you, I'd been in a war zone for many years and I didn't realize how utterly exhausted I was......I needed this year of little to do so I could regain my energy, vitality and motivation. 8 months ago we began a plant based/whole foods dietary program, eliminated sugar, dairy, meat, processed foods & most animal products, and we started a hiking and exercise regiment. We're probably in the best shape of our lives right now which adds to my new sense of motivation and excitement for whatever the next step is. I wouldn't have done that, focusing my attention on my own health and diet when I was in the throes of enabling.......there just wasn't any room for ME in the old paradigm. I've learned to put myself first and as a result, life has changed so much for the better.
It is not perfect, there are always challenges with my daughter, but they are small things, based mostly on how differently she thinks and operates, but I have accepted her as she is....before I was trying to change her, but I changed me instead and then she changed.......and then love blossomed in a different way for she and I......we accepted each other as we are......and that changed everything.
I ask that you hold a good thought, a prayer, or warm wishes for my daughter as she starts her new life......she has a lot to do to get herself on level ground now.....thank you.
Thank you all for your support, being on this forum for all these years has helped me to be able to let go, accept what is and begin my own new life....I am so grateful......
