Update on life , son , family...

[Helpless29]

I haven’t been on here for awhile , I felt like nothing was getting better with my 15 year old, all the rehabs, running away , counseling nothing helped. Gave custody to his dad & even he can’t control my 15 year old son, I felt everything I posted was so negative &I never had any posts with any hope.
His dad moved into a better neighborhood, thinking this could be a new start , new school & over the summer he attended football camp , he was clean & good for 1 month ,I couldn’t have been happier. But now school has started & he got suspended second day, he ditched school , came home to his dads high , drunk could barely walk.Got picked up from police for stealing a bike . Is it wrong that I distance myself from him? When he does visit , I’m on eggshells & worry about what he’ll steal or if he’ll take off . Or am I hurting him more by staying away?

 

[Triedntrue]

I think you definitely have to set boundaries. He can't be high or drunk at your house. Each of us has to do what we feel we can handle. He is still young so if dad is willing to have custody maybe you can find ways to offer appropriate support that show you still love him but you will not support his behavior. If you don't have a councelor for yourself i would get one to maybe give you some guidance on ways you could do this.

 

[Helpless29]

I think you definitely have to set boundaries. He can't be high or drunk at your house. Each of us has to do what we feel we can handle. He is still young so if dad is willing to have custody maybe you can find ways to offer appropriate support that show you still love him but you will not support his behavior. If you don't have a councelor for yourself i would get one to maybe give you some guidance on ways you could do this.

Thank you,You are right. I have a 7 yr old & 2 yr old at home & I can’t put them in danger. I guess what I have failed to do along the way is get help for myself, I struggle with knowing what is the right & wrong thing to do & that’s why I come to this sight .

 

[RN0441]

Welcome:

I agree with Tried. I have been on this journey since my son was 15 and he just turned 23. Things have not been good for the past seven years. He has been to many rehabs and sober livings and had all sort of interventions.

What I'm saying is this COULD BE a long haul for you so yes, you need to get some support for yourself. You need to establish firm boundaries. It doesn't mean you do not love your son, but he needs them as much as you do and you do have two younger children to care for and be present for.

You are very fortunate that he has his father. I do hope that your son doesn't go in deeper and changes his ways.

 

[Nature]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's heartbreaking watching the person you love destroy themselves. There are no right and wrong answers but I do state whole heartedly you must find and seek help from others who are going through the same thing you are. You must be healthy and strong in order to be able to deal with this and you also have other little ones who are dependant on you.
On another post there is a discussion about tough love, enabling and setting boundaries. Please read it and keep coming back here as we are here to support you and we understand how you feel.
You can't allow drug use in your home but you can still let your son know you love him. However, addicts have a way of manipulating us and can spot you in week moments . If you are not feeling strong that yes perhaps distancing yourself may be the way you can cope with it at the moment. I strongly suggest you find a support group in your area and if unable then please continue to visit here and read the post and feel the support from all the amazing people here.
All of our addicted children have taken different paths but somehow the end result is substance abuse problems. For some, it takes several different stints at rehab to change, for others it may be some form of incarceration, could be a new school or even one person that changes your son. You might not have control over him at the moment but you do have control over yourself. Stay strong and hugs to you.

 

[B’smom]

((((Hugs))))
I don’t have any advice as it’s not something I’ve had to go through. I just wanted to say that it’s perfectly OK to make decisions to make sure you are ok, especially since you have other children to care for. They need you to be healthy (physically and emotionally).

I’m going through something similar but different (aggressive 10 year old child attacking his 4 year old brother). What I’m trying to come to terms with is that it’s not ok to sacrifice everyone else’s well-being for B. And what I should do with this newfound way of thinking.

I also think it’s ok to distance yourself for your health and well-being. This is typically easier said than done though isn’t it? I find mom guilt the worst emotion to deal with. I’m here to support whatever decision you decide to make. You’re not alone here.

 

[Littleboylost]

I agree setting boundaries to not enable them and protect yourself is critical to everyone’s survival. It’s not easy but it is the best chance we all have at some semblance of sanity.

 

[New Leaf]

HI Helpless

Gave custody to his dad & even he can’t control my 15 year old son, I felt everything I posted was so negative &I never had any posts with any hope.

Dear sister, please do not worry about negative posts, most of us are here trying to sort through all of this very difficult stuff. It sure doesn't make for a chat with a neighbor, or coffee break talk. Vent away when you need to. The positive in it, is there are parents here who understand, have been through similar issues and can offer support.

But now school has started & he got suspended second day, he ditched school , came home to his dads high , drunk could barely walk.Got picked up from police for stealing a bike .

Oh boy. Well, the good thing is that he did show ability to be clean. Maybe his father can research alternatives to high school, seems there is some infuence going on there.

Is it wrong that I distance myself from him? When he does visit , I’m on eggshells & worry about what he’ll steal or if he’ll take off .

No, it is not wrong that you distance yourself from him. He needs to learn how to treat his mother with respect, have respect for your home and his siblings.

I have a 7 yr old & 2 yr old at home & I can’t put them in danger. I

This is very wise of you, Helpless. I spent many a year trying to help my two, especially Tornado and my three grands. What that did, was rob my youngest daughter and son of peace in our home. It was not fair to them to have to witness and live through the chaos.
You are doing the right thing, protecting your littles in their home.

I guess what I have failed to do along the way is get help for myself,

It is very important to take good care of yourself. This is heart wrenching to go through. I hope you are able to take time and either seek counseling, or a group, anything to build yourself up.
I hope you are feeling better. Keep posting, it really helps to write it out and get feedback.
Don't worry about negative or positive posts, we are here for one another.
You are not alone.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy