Update on my adult son

tryingtobestrong

Active Member
It has been a while since I posted and I hope I don't lose anyone with the long post! I don't know where on this roller coaster we were when I last posted...
So, I apologize if I repeat anything.
He was made to work from home due to the pandemic in March and with that the drinking escalated. He didn't really come across that he was back into heavy drinking but from looking at his cell phone calls (he is still under our plan so I do check who he is calling... I know it is wrong) he was calling the liquor stores... They delivered so he was getting really bad.
In July he called and said he couldn't stop throwing up. (He lived 1200 miles away) so he went to the ER. They told him it was from smoking too much marijuana. He went 6 times to the ER in 8 days... They insisted it was due to the weed and he wasn't quite sure. The girlfriend told me his blood work was fine but his liver enzymes were elevated.... So with that I knew he was not sober. He called and said that he wasn't going to smoke anymore...
In August, sh** hit the fan with his girlfriend and she left him due to his drinking. He called crying, etc. He tried stopping and went to visit a friend in FL but came back to the same apartment and just kept drinking. He ended up going to rehab for 30 days. We did visit him while in rehab and within the first 10 minutes of seeing him after not seeing him for 18 months, he cursed me because I recommended he do sober living when his 30 days was up. He was so disrespectful and told me that if I am going to continue to talk about sober living then I can fu**ing leave... So the rest of the visit I stayed quite. He constantly whined about his lease at his apartment, said all the right things, etc. My husband and I said that we would try to figure something out with his lease. He wanted to move to a new location but was tied to the lease and to break the lease was $1400... He did stay the 30 days and as you all probably know we agreed to break his lease so he could move and relocate since his work was now permanently from home. There was no reason to stay in the state he was in.
Well, 4 days after he was released from rehab he relapsed and was on and off. We had previously booked a trip to see him and still had all the arrangements. He then made plans to move to another state and asked if we would come to see him before he left. Again, he was disrespectful as soon as he seen me and I asked why he was not going to live at the place he put a $600 deposit on?? (it was a private sober living place with 3 other guys.. but he found out they were strict and would not allow overnight guests so he refused to stay there)... He told me again I could leave. I should have! So with that going forward I made the decision I wasn't going to take his crap anymore.
He ended up moving to another state, had no were to live and was staying in an Air BnB... was drunk the first night there... for the first 3 weeks there he was bad. Then he found an apartment to rent for a few months and he could actually save $ and pay off some of his debt.... he was 22 days sober but then had a disagreement with a new girl he was seeing.... Relapsed and called about wanting to go back to rehab in CO.... SO, we told him that he would have to pay his own deductible. We seriously just paid $7k in September. I used my airline points and flew him to the rehab he was just in... He called and emailed me about the $3k deductible that would start in Dec. and I told him that I was not paying it. The coordinator told him that it would go to a payment plan and if he didn't pay on it it would NOT go to collections... he would not listen and left AMA after 3 days at rehab! Found $ to fly himself back to the state he lives in now, found $ to get an Uber for an hour drive on Thanksgiving as well. My daughter seen he posted a picture that he was at the airport... So with that I text him and asked what he was doing. He said he was not going to be held responsible for that deductible. He couldn't take a hit on his credit... So, with that,I told him I was done. I blocked his number. If he needs to get in touch he had to call the landline. I had him blocked for 4 weeks. Unblocked him to send a picture of his cat and he replied but have not heard from him since. My husband called him and he is 19 days sober today.
I feel bad but I can't do this anymore.
I honestly feel numb and have no feelings for my son. It feels like I have lost him a long time ago or he doesn't even exist in my life.
He made the comment that he only stayed in rehab for 30days because he knew we would cave and break the lease for him... I was so hurt.
He was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as well which makes a ton of sense. If you don't know what that is, please research it. It makes so much sense now with what is going on. We have offered to pay for therapy for it but so far he won't take us up on it. It is a long therapy and I know he won't want to commit to it.
I feel like I did so much wrong raising my children. I am at a crossroads in my life. My parents family business may be coming to an end and that is the only place I have ever worked. I am scared of working for someone, I am scared of the future and health care. So, I have a lot on my plate right now.
My daughter is doing well in grad school. She will graduate in May of 2022.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi. I am sorry for all this. It is inevitable that a substance abuser will not do better unless they quit. Some never do. Some do. But every decision is on their shoulders. We can't force it.

We are estranged from our daughter and life for us is better. The money is completely cut off. Over half of our retirement was spent on her to no avail. Money doesn't help addicts. Their own desire to do better is their biggest weapon.

Kudos to your daughter!!

Love and.prayers.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Hi Trying. I am sorry there is so much suffering with all of this: for all of us. My story is not that different. I continue attached to my own son but not nearly so much at the effect of how he lives. For example, for the last few days, he has been living with M, my ex, in a home I own. He would have been homeless and our state is besieged with corona. I think he knows it's short term. At least he mouths these words. We are staying on him very strongly, to enforce our rules, not his. It is a constant battle.

All of which is to say that those of us here know what your life has been with your son because we have lived with and are living with our versions of the same thing. The cycle will continue, as long as they choose to live their lives as they are. And we will continue at the effect of their chaotic, irresponsible, self-destructive, or self-limiting choices when we are near them, define ourselves by their choices, or insist upon believing that we can make a difference. We can't. Only they can.

We can choose, because we are their parents and we love them and because we accept varying degrees of responsibility--to help them--when they are vulnerable, despairing or destitute. This does not mean that we can change them or their lives. It only means we have chosen to sacrifice for a limited and defined time, because we choose to, from a humanitarian and loving impulse.

Unfortunately, when I do this, my son seems to believe that he has conned, manipulated or deceived or controlled me through his magnetic and overpowering charm or intelligence or power; instead of recognizing that we have taken pity on him, and are driven by our hearts. It's OK. I am very little any more under the illusion that I have power or control. What I have is a heart for my son.

What I have learned is that my heart for myself is the most important. And it sounds like you have come to this place too. Where you have begun to live from your own compassion and awareness for yourself, your heart, your pain, your needs. And to begin from this place. This is where most of us come to on this site, sooner or later. It took me many years. I am glad you checked in Trying. Be well.
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
Hi Trying!

If your son is not willing to invest $3000 into his own recovery, he isn’t seriously interested in sobriety.
It sounds like he is actually using rehab as a way to manipulate you and your hubby into giving in to his demands for money (in the form of getting you to bail him out of apartment leases he no longer wants to be obligated to or paying some of his bills).
He is putting way too much of his time and effort into holding you hostage with his addictions.
It almost sounds like, if he didn’t have any addictions, he is afraid he wouldn’t be able to control you.
It might be time to end this dysfunctional situation you have gotten enmeshed in.
Maybe, if you stop playing your role in this destructive dance, he will eventually stop playing his.
 
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