Update on son

Helpless29

Active Member
My last post was that my son turned himself in , he spent a night in jail seen a judge and they released him & his record is now clear, no warrants no probation . That family that he was staying with , let him back in, it lasted a week . He continued to drink , steal liquor out of there dads cabinet. There rule for him to stay there was he could not be getting drunk but that did not last, so he was homeless once again calling me . He ended up finding a place he could stay at till the end of September but is back doing pills & drinking .Worst part of this post is he just asked me to add him on Snapchat said he missed me & if we could talk , but then it got weird he started asking for pics of me & then starting saying nasty stuff , stuff I can even repeat , then send me a picture of his private part . I just blocked him . I don’t know what he’s on, I can’t believe he has done this again!! Thing is he was saying to FaceTime him & to make sure no one was around to never tell anyone are conversations . It’s like he’s aware of what he’s doing
 

Helpless29

Active Member
I don’t understand what drugs he possibly could be doing to actually call your mother & say nasty stuff & send pics of your private . Does he actually know what he is doing??! Does he remember these things? I could never tell anyone these things .
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Helpless, I'm so sorry to hear this latest development. I don't know what to tell you, other than it sounds like your son is deeply unwell. I don't know of course but I'm not sure that this behaviour is caused completely by the drug taking, especially since he is telling you not to tell anyone about it. It sounds like he is aware of the behaviour. I'm so concerned for you and for him too.

I know you and your husband are not always on the same page about your son, but have you talked to him about this? I understand why you might not want to, but to be honest I wonder if maybe you should? I say this only because I am concerned for your safety. If not your husband then is there someone else, a therapist or counsellor perhaps? My concern is what your son might do next. This is not the first time he has displayed this behaviour and sometimes this type of behaviour is a precursor to something worse.

Please keep us updated. And please remember this is not your fault. You must do whatever you need to to keep yourself and the rest of your family safe. Please look after yourself.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi and I'm so sorry. I can't give advice on what your son is doing, but if it were me I would take it seriously and protect myself and the younger kids. I don't think I'd let him in the house and would only see him in crowded restaurants or coffee houses. No matter what inside of him caused his sickness, you need to be safe.

Sadly, you can't force him to get help, which he really needs, or even to tell a therapist the truth about what he did...all we all have is our prayers and our own help, whatever we decide to use to learn coping and self care. Self care may sound ridiculous to you right now since your son has these problems, but you need it now more than ever. Don't try to guess "why." We don't know why. He may not either. But he is the one who has to ask a professional for help about himself. This he CAN do.

If God is in your life do lean in Him.

Prayers and hugs. Update us please. We care.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Helpless

I'm so sorry to hear that your son is doing this to you. It sounds very perverted to me and makes no sense at all. I would be extremely upset by this if it were me.

My son used a lot of drugs too and he got weird once when I told him I had to "change" so he needed to leave the room and he was laying on bed petting the dog or something and he said "can I watch?". He left my room and I told my husband. We both felt it was the "drugs" and he never did that again and if I told him about it now he would be SO MORTIFIED that I cannot even ever tell him!! He is SO not that way at all and very very private and the three of us are very close now.

Honestly looking back I think he was possessed by the Devil or some demon or something. I think of how he was not HIM at all and the way he looked at me when he got his way - if we'd call police and they wouldn't do anything etc. - he'd just gloat. He is NOT that person and I sure hope you get to see the real PERSON that is in there sometime very soon.

Seriously prayers are desperately needed for your son and your family. I cannot stress this enough. You don't have to do this alone.

Hugs
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Helpless

I'm so sorry to hear that your son is doing this to you. It sounds very perverted to me and makes no sense at all. I would be extremely upset by this if it were me.

My son used a lot of drugs too and he got weird once when I told him I had to "change" so he needed to leave the room and he was laying on bed petting the dog or something and he said "can I watch?". He left my room and I told my husband. We both felt it was the "drugs" and he never did that again and if I told him about it now he would be SO MORTIFIED that I cannot even ever tell him!! He is SO not that way at all and very very private and the three of us are very close now.

Honestly looking back I think he was possessed by the Devil or some demon or something. I think of how he was not HIM at all and the way he looked at me when he got his way - if we'd call police and they wouldn't do anything etc. - he'd just gloat. He is NOT that person and I sure hope you get to see the real PERSON that is in there sometime very soon.

Seriously prayers are desperately needed for your son and your family. I cannot stress this enough. You don't have to do this alone.

Hugs
I know it’s the drugs & it’s been almost 2 months since I seen him but I don’t plan on him seeing him anytime soon unless he agrees to get help . The text were so disturbing not just the picture but of all the sexual things he was saying to me , it was down right nasty & degrading & I felt so violated . He even offered to pay for a Uber so I can meet him at the hotel that’s nothing compared to what he said to me about all the sexual things he wanted to do to me .I didn’t tell my husband or anyone else . I will go to my first Al Anon meeting tonight . I am emotionally & mentally drained .
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Please don't let him around you.or the family even after he gets help...not until he is totally appropriate. His behavior is dangerous, no matter why. Did he ever act "off" sexually before he started drinking? He may have alcoholism plus another or other issues and the alcohol brought it out. Many of our kids have more than one issue. But your son needs you to help him be safe....not seeing him alone or in your house with the kids assures that he will not be inappropriate to his loved ones. This is one time when help can help. Don't give up on him...you don't need to...but set appropriate boundaries for your sake and his.

Most of all remember your husband and other kids need you so take care of yourself. Give Al Anon more than one try. It took me several Nar Anon meetings to see that the group really helped me in a very special way. The first time...I just cried.

Hugs and take care.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Please see a therapist too. I think you need one-on-one to deal with this. This is not an adopted child correct? You are his birth mother?

I would definitely need one-on-one if I had this going on. I would be so terribly disturbed and it would not be good for my mental health to keep this inside of me.

It's not good for your mental health either. I needed more than a group. I needed to TALK to someone and have them only focus on me and what was going on with ME and in MY head. Please.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I feel terribly, but I agree that something is wrong beyond drugs. Being that I think it could be a deep issue, I agree with RN that a therapist would help you. Al Anon can be one tool but that will address how you respond to his addiction, not the other problem. I wonder if you need a safe place to talk about such a difficult and heartbreaking problem??

Please do not try to do this alone. Get help to guide you and to support you.

Hugs again.
 
I hate that he has locked you into that classic abusers circle that you feel shamed and you cannot tell anyone else about this. You DO need to tell someone about this in my opinion, and I know that telling your husband will cause all sorts of problems - (is he the father?) so perhaps a counsellor, or perhaps someone who can tell you that this perhaps happens with addicts. But silence is a terrible thing and victims are so often shamed into silence... I am so sorry. Hugs
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless

I wrote to you yesterday but it's a long story and I've asked RB to help me find the post and put it here. In the meanwhile I wanted to tell you that I am so sorry this has happened. The gist of my post (that is lost) is to protect yourself from your son. I believe he is under the influence of something that is altering his behavior.

But it really doesn't matter why this is happening. Only that you need to make sure it can't happen again.

I also urged you to tell your husband and show him the text. I believe in the long-run it is harmful to your son, to your relationship with him, and potentially to your marriage to conceal such a thing. I also suggested you consider telling the probation officer.

What your son is seeking is accountability, limits, and that others push back at him to hold him accountable and responsible. Even if he doesn't know this--I believe this is what he needs and what he needs from you. That you push firmly back and not keep this secret. You should not bear any part of it, and keeping it secret, it's like you're holding the bag.

Love, Copa
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless,

I wasn't sure where to start. I will share some of my experiences with self-care and detaching. I hope this helps. Take what helps and leave the rest.

This must be so tough to wrap your mind around. One of the hardest parts to be in this cycle is trying to make sense of it. It isn't supposed to make sense. A turning point for me was to accept that my "why" was never to be answered. We do NOT share the same values as our addicted children, that's why we don't choose drugs and alcohol, yet we suffer the consequences.

The good news is that you can step back and let your son take the consequences, HE made these choices-perhaps not to be this person, BUT continuing with substance abuse is HIS choice and the consequences should be his alone. I agree with the others to share with your husband. I was always afraid to tell mine of J's shameful acts. He was mad at first but then offered such support, It turned out well in the end because his sobriety was all the sweeter. The consequence that was hardest for me to tolerate was taking away access to his sisters.

I came in one night and he was passed out in his room, The door was open and his pants were halfway down and he had his hand "full." I don't know if anyone else walked in on it, but I was like holy sh&t what if his little sisters witnessed that? The only reason I share this is that it's hard to shake the image BUT it allowed me to step back and deny access to my home and family. I explained that MY values do not align with his, and I would protect the family at all costs. It took about 6 months but he called me and asked me to drug test him to prove he was sober (he was homeless and addicted to meth, weed, Xanax-hell anything he could get his hands on). He said that the ONE CATALYST to his sobriety was the consequence of being separated from his sisters. It devastated all three of them, but again-it made the sober reunion all the sweeter.

Helpless if you ever take any counsel from me, about your situation, let it be two things; 1)-allow your son to take on the consequences so that HE can grow. You will not always be there to cover for him. He needs to learn skills to be well. 2)-practice self-care. Others have stated the same.

Let us work on things that YOU can control. You can control your involvement and self-care. Detach with love. It doesn't have to be a fight-just a simple "I'm going to go take care of myself and I'll see you when you do the same...(or something you are comfortable saying (or not saying.) Self-care can take on many forms. These are merely suggestions. I am NOT a counselor, not even close. This is what has worked for me during the worst of times.

*Deep breathing 4-7-9 tactical breathing like police and military practice. Take a deep breath in (through your nose) for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds then exhale for 9 seconds. You will feel like you are out of air while exhaling but go slow. This allows your lungs to inflate and bring oxygen back up to your brain. Anxiety often brings on shallow breathing which leads to clouded thinking. Do you find yourself holding your breath? II use this technique for panic attacks and it allowed me to fall asleep after 4-5 reps.

*Walking somewhere in nature. trees and flowers offer beauty and life. We are all connected and nature puts beauty on display (water, trees, herbs, gardens, birds, etc...)

*Reading can take you to another place in your wind and give you reprieve from the spinning wheel in your mind. You could perhaps start with Codependence No More by Melody Beattie. I would then recommend something you are interested in.

*Meditate-the people on this site taught me how. I always thought meditating was "cooky" because I didn't understand it. I watched videos from Eckhart Tolle on negative thinking. I watched it EVERY day: Breaking Addiction to Negative Thinking the second is supposed to be an awake meditation but it made me fall asleep so I listened after my deep breathing: A Special Meditation - Deepening Into the Dimension of Stillness with Eckhart Tolle (Binaural Audio)

*Find yourself. Who did you want to be when you grew up? Who were you before your son's illness? Be that person, develop that person again. Find your purpose and pay close attention to the people around you that reciprocate your love and kindness. You sound like a wonderful, empathetic woman with a lot of love to give. Nothing feels more soothing than reciprocated love.

*Buying a new shampoo or body soap that smells good and focuses on the smell while in the shower. It helps to focus on something good rather than grieving.

*Get a new coffee mug and fill it with your favorite drink for your new start. Get a matching one for your best friend. Have virtual coffee with him/her and talk about something unrelated.

* Eat three times a day and stay hydrated. Even if it's just nibbling. Get some sort of fuel for your mind and body.

*Make a card for your husband and other children thanking them for support and encourage them to practice self-care as well.

and lastly, *feel our virtual hugs. We are all over the United States and abroad; yet we are there with you, holding your hand, propping you up, sitting beside you sipping a cold/warm beverage. We love you, and you are not alone.

Love, JMOM
 
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