Update son - relapse

Helpless29

Active Member
My son has relapsed again , the first time he seemed to get back on his feet right away . He had been doing so good at his job , enrolled at the local college to get his GED . Not sure what happened on Memorial Day but he relapsed . I didn’t find out till his dad texted me on Wednesday saying my son texted him saying he messed up really bad . Its not the relapse that upsets me because I know that’s part of addiction & recovery but it’s the fact he texted his dad that he did something really bad & that the police are looking for him . His dad tried calling him but no answer , he asked him what he had done but no answer back. We haven’t heard anything else from him, I’m pretty sure he lost his job & is no longer at the rehab center . I see him active sometimes on FB but where he’s hiding & what he did I don’t know . My mind is going crazy . One day & everything has changed . I wish he would reach back out to his dad but he hasn’t. I sent one text to him but no answer .
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I’m sorry to hear that. He should ask himself what happens in the days or weeks leading up to a relapse. He has to identify why he behaves this way after doing well for months at a time. This pattern repeats itself every few months. Has he been evaluated by a psychiatrist recently?
 

Helpless29

Active Member
I’m sorry to hear that. He should ask himself what happens in the days or weeks leading up to a relapse. He has to identify why he behaves this way after doing well for months at a time. This pattern repeats itself every few months. Has he been evaluated by a psychiatrist recently?
No he has not, as of now we have no contact with him, he won’t answer calls, texts or emails. I think whatever he has done , he may be hiding from police , where or what he did I have no clue. My mind is going crazy.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless

I am so very sorry. I know the fear of not knowing. I am worried too about what "really bad" would be, and hiding out from the police, what good can come of that?

You have no control. We get attached to the good stories, the good outcome, and we fall over and over again when it is not sustained. People here write 'put it in G-d's hands." And when I think about it, that is the only thing for me to do. Let G-d hold our children and let G-d hold us. There is no other way that I have found to do this.

I feel certain you will be hearing something in the next few days or a little bit more. I hope that is the case. I worry about the sexual stuff when he gets high. That is why I have thought it is not a good thing to keep it secret. He needs to confront it and take responsibility, whatever the consequences. That is my belief. It is safer for him, that way.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Helpless

I am so sorry again for your pain and suffering. I know firsthand what that feels like - how absolutely horrible it really is - as most of us here do.

My son seemed to go off the rails about every 3 months. That is why I thought he may have mental illness. I thought maybe it was some cycle thing that seems to go along with that.

He is in college and doing much better than I ever thought he would but it is not perfect and I look forward to the day when he can move out and be on his own and then maybe he'll really grow up the rest of the way. He will always have an addictive personality. I have made him aware of this in the hope that it may help him to manage it.

We are moving back to Illinois in August and he will be able to get legal marijuana to help cope with his anxiety so I am trying to have good thoughts about it. I am a realist and believe that the truth sets us free. My mother always said that.

Anyway just wanted to say that we are all here to support you and keep posting and sharing because it does help!

Prayers and hugs to you and your son.
:staystrong:
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
We are moving back to Illinois in August
Dear Helpless and RN

Helpless, I came back here to check to see if you have heard anything. I hope you check in soon to let us know.

RN, I thought you would be staying in Alabama a couple years longer, until you retire. How does it feel to be going back? You seem to have made a nice life in Al. but maybe you do everywhere you are.

I have been working A LOT but will come back here every couple or few days to check.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Dear Helpless and RN

Helpless, I came back here to check to see if you have heard anything. I hope you check in soon to let us know.

RN, I thought you would be staying in Alabama a couple years longer, until you retire. How does it feel to be going back? You seem to have made a nice life in Al. but maybe you do everywhere you are.

I have been working A LOT but will come back here every couple or few days to check.
My son is now staying in a different part of Florida in a hotel, he applied for a loan & got approved for 24k! Who in there right mind would approve this??! He texted me once or twice . I know his password to his gmail & seen he went shopping , has been ordering Ubers eats . And now that he got this much money he thinks he’s a millionaire! I’m afraid of him having all this money . Will he go on a drug binge?! He says he will make a new life , go away to the mountains but he was doing good before , this much money could kill him. RN had asked what his drug of choice was it’s cocaine, weed and drinking , but honestly he’s about tried everything.Who knows where he will end up .
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless

That is insane. I am wondering if he misrepresented on the loan. But he doesn't look even 1/4 inch past the tip of his nose to consequences. I agree with you that his so-called plan is reckless. What can you do? He does exactly what he wants, and only that. He is so brilliant, confident, and full of himself he always seems to land on his feet. Until he doesn't. He is a natural born leader. I think the only thing to do is to pray his brain catches up to his personality.

Helpless, you have no place to stand in his life right now. You have to get yourself back into your own life. When you are stretched so thin worrying what he will or won't do, you lose your strength. This is untenable. He will work this out himself, on his own terms. There is no way to protect him. Either from himself or his consequences. I pray that you stop looking at his gmail and his social media. It only hurts and frightens you. He is an adult. Let him go, for now. That is what I think.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I hope to God he didn’t forge your name as a co-signer. I’m not sure how he could have gotten a loan or even a credit card.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
I hope to God he didn’t forge your name as a co-signer. I’m not sure how he could have gotten a loan or even a credit card.
Wouldn’t they need some sort of documentation from me if he forged my name since we are in different states? I don’t see any new inquiries on my credit report. Who would give a 19 year old who only worked in Florida for 5 months that much money. If they verified employment they would see he is no longer employed .
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Now I see the loan info. Wow that is insane for sure!

Yes Copa we are moving back. Husband's new Korean CEO (he works for a Korean company) is a beast so he started looking in Chicagoland where he knows people and found a new job starting September 1. Thank GOD. Jake will be done with school so that is a good time. Our house is on the market now.

Helpless I am still struggling with my own son's choices and he is with us. I think he is on ADD medications which we don't approve of as he games too much. He has one last class to graduate with his Associates Degree so we want him to work more at Home Depot but he doesn't. I'm really pi**ed at him right now to be honest! I want him OUT and on his own asap but that isn't going to happen. I am done parenting a 26 year old. He is doing very well in school because IT comes naturally for him thankfully.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Helpless

Helpless, is there any word? What a worry! Your son is causing all of us to pull out our hair. He has so many strengths and (positive) qualities and as yet he uses them to get himself into messes. He will have to work this out himself.

You may have noticed I am not posting hardly at all. Part of this is that I am very busy, but as much or more, I have pulled way, way back out of my son's life. In so doing, two things have happened.

One, my son is solving his problems himself. I DO NOT LIKE how he lives, but due to a variety of things, I realize it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I feel sad and I worry but the end result is that while I feel helpless with respect to him, I no longer feel helpless over myself and my own life.

Second, he has pulled way back from me, sadly. He was in my town, and when M told him he would have to call me to ask whether he could re-enter the home where they both live, (he had left the area), he did not call, nor did he return, and it seems he has left town altogether. So the end result is that we're not in touch at all, and I am sad and miss him.

But I do not miss the chaos and being out of control and having my life determined by what he does or does not do, or what he is or is not. I guess I accept now, not just that I don't have control, but that he's another person who lives a separate, independent life, and the benefit of that is that I have a separate and independent life, too. I have come a very long way since I joined this forum. RN and others might remember. I remember RN would as if shake her head, and write, "are we trying this same (hopeless) thing yet one more time?"

RN, I am happy for you and your husband that you are going back home, and he is escaping a toxic work situation. I have vicariously enjoyed your making a new life in the South, with your beautiful home. How does it feel to be leaving there?
PS I think it's probably a good time to be selling your house!
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Hi Copa
I am so glad to hear that your life is calmer now but I know it pains you to not have your son in your life and that should not be the trade off for peace. I have come to realize as I get older that there are SO many things in life that we do not have any control over and have to let them go. I have had a lot of pain in my life starting at a young age but I have had a lot of joy too (as many of us here) and I hang on to the joy which gets me through the tough times. The hardest thing of all has been the addiction of our youngest son. I do not think he has a full handle on it yet sadly and he will be 27 in August. I think part of it is that WE allow him to be a bigger part of our lives than we should and he has not fully grown to the man he surely should be by now. My hopes are that when we move back to Chicago, he has his two older brothers as wonderful role models so I have encouraged him to mirror his own life based on theirs....will he do it? I do not know but can only hope and PRAY he does.

Husband is ready to move today and says he has no hesitations since we are moving "home". I on the other hand have made some wonderful friends here (I am a people person) and I will truly miss them and of course don't know if I will ever see any of them again although they promise to visit in Chicago or Florida. The Gulf Coast of Alabama is a beautiful place and has beautiful beaches and many do not know that this place exists. I feel very fortunate that I have been able to spend 4 years of my life here being on the coast.

Yes Helpless please update us!!
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Dear Helpless

Helpless, is there any word? What a worry! Your son is causing all of us to pull out our hair. He has so many strengths and (positive) qualities and as yet he uses them to get himself into messes. He will have to work this out himself.

You may have noticed I am not posting hardly at all. Part of this is that I am very busy, but as much or more, I have pulled way, way back out of my son's life. In so doing, two things have happened.

One, my son is solving his problems himself. I DO NOT LIKE how he lives, but due to a variety of things, I realize it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I feel sad and I worry but the end result is that while I feel helpless with respect to him, I no longer feel helpless over myself and my own life.

Second, he has pulled way back from me, sadly. He was in my town, and when M told him he would have to call me to ask whether he could re-enter the home where they both live, (he had left the area), he did not call, nor did he return, and it seems he has left town altogether. So the end result is that we're not in touch at all, and I am sad and miss him.

But I do not miss the chaos and being out of control and having my life determined by what he does or does not do, or what he is or is not. I guess I accept now, not just that I don't have control, but that he's another person who lives a separate, independent life, and the benefit of that is that I have a separate and independent life, too. I have come a very long way since I joined this forum. RN and others might remember. I remember RN would as if shake her head, and write, "are we trying this same (hopeless) thing yet one more time?"

RN, I am happy for you and your husband that you are going back home, and he is escaping a toxic work situation. I have vicariously enjoyed your making a new life in the South, with your beautiful home. How does it feel to be leaving there?
PS I think it's probably a good time to be selling your
My son is out of jail , he had some bond company get him out. He got lucky because his ex girlfriend from chicago was able to pay for his hotel so none of his belongings got thrown away while he was in jail . He said he will stay in Florida till court then maybe move somewhere else & get a job . Out of the 24k he has 14k left between paying for his bond , fees to bond company, shopping spree of clothes & jewelry, I don’t see the money lasting to long. We talked for awhile on the phone yesterday & he said he wanted to do good again. I told him I know he’s capable of getting back on his feet & that I love him & as long as he dosent drink or do drugs he will be fine. All I could do is pray he will start back on the right path again , he sounded promising yesterday but I been through this one to many times to know not to get my hopes up but just to pray for him.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I did not know he got arrested again. Let him go, helpless. I don't mean to not love him or to show him your love. Release him to do for himself. I think hope is really faith. Faith that people will do the work of their lives and step up. This we can have and hold onto no matter the tangible actions or results we see at any given moment.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Glad he gave you some good news even if it's fake news.

I have learned that until THEY are ready to change, nothing we say matters - at all.

Just let him know you love him; that's all you can do and all he really wants from you as a mother.

Prayers.
 
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