Pas, that is so kind. I am so glad I was helpful to you. And I pray your son gets better! And hope you figure out how to handle your mother too.
I saw my therapist yesterday. She probably helps you more than me because she is so very wise. My advice is often hers. To put the sister issue to rest we analyzed it in detail, including what I have done to upset her. Maybe this will help you with your mother. It was so helpful to me.
She told me Sis is very sick...that I have had problems but admit everything and am accountable. So I get better and better. She explained that it is useless to expect my sister to ever own up to her awfulness in the cut offs and cops because she is incapable of seeing her role in this. She pointed out that even with an eating disorder she never sought therapy and we talked about how she did not tell her current therapist ( the first one ever at 56) that she had an eating disorder. When she spoke about us I am 100 percent sure she left out her part...the constant cut offs and more importantly her need to call the cops repeatedly over nothing. No therapist can help you if you don't disclose all.
Oy, my therapists know everything about me. The good, the bad, the ugly. It's necessary.
The point is if somebody is a problem in your life and they truly dont know it or won't admit it, there is no point to the relationship. Their bad behavior, and this includes difficult children, is always "You made me do it. I had no other option. Because of you. I had to call the cops over that email. I had to call the cops even though you couldn't and had never hurt me or broken the law. I thought you were mean so I called the cops and you made me do it I am not at fault."Or "I had to rob the store because you cut off my allowance. You made me do it. Not my fault." Or "I am in jail because of you. You didn't bail me out or get a lawyer. I am 33 but how dare you not be my mommy and fix something I did that was your fault anyway."
If somebody, anybody is unwilling to face up to their issues, even mother's, even us, nothing will change. It is always the targeted victim's fault. To them.
I showed my sister's posts about me to my therapist and she said "Wow. You are really still in her head!" And she is still in my head a little, but I haven't read her stuff for over a week. And I won't ever again as she is very sick and what she writes comes from her illness and I wish I could help her but I can't. My therapist told me what illnesses she thought she had and kept repeating that she is very sick.
I love my therapist and hope she can help some of you like she has helped me. There are times there is nothing you can do even for a child, if they go so far as to steal from.you and blame you that they stole.
This was a cleansing therapy session. It could be applied to any toxic person. Sometimes we still have to see them, but we never have to take their meanness seriously. I am fortunate that there is no reason for me to worry about her now that the inheritance is done and my dad is not on earth to be sad that we don't get along. He was the reason I put up with her for the past few years. I didn't want to hurt him further as he was old. I am sure he understands everything now that he is in spirit.
I believe Sis is jealous of how good my life turned out while she.makes bad decisions and is ruining her golden years with her inability to love nice men or be alone. I can't help her. I no longer want to know her.
My mother was mean to me but even she never called the cops on me and when she was done with me she didn't come back so I grieved and moved on with family of choice. To me it was harder that sis kept coming back. Never again. I wonder sometimes why my path was such a hostile FOO but I learned a lot from them. The only real offenders were my mother and sister. It was a tiny family, thankfully and my grandmother loved me so much that I AM capable of deeply loving. I got this gift fron my precious grandmother who I was lucky enough to talk to every day almost until I was 37. Bless her.
In one of her posts I showed to therapist Sis apparently said she was shocked that I cut her off. Really??? She cut ME off 20 times and was shocked I finally was done and cut her off? That was the first I heard of it as I had not been reading her posts.
We laughed at that and therapist explained she may not even know what she has done. That some mentally ill people have no insight into their own behavior and how it affects others. What kind of relationship can you have with that dynamic going on?
I didn't mean to babble on my sister again. She calls writing to anonymous people on this forum "a smear campaign." I could easily find ways to contact her friends in real life and send truths about them that I only know because of her mouth, but I would never do that. A smear campaign is when you lie, which I have not, to people the person knows. I am not that kind of person. I don't do cops or punish people. My no contact is not a punishment. It is a necessity for me. And I wouldn't smear her to important people in her life. Therapist shook her head at that accusation too but that one never bothered me. I knew it was silly.
This is a safe place to vent where nobody knows my family of origin. Therefore I don't disclose to anyone who could know them.
Hopefully....I am going to try hard....this is my last sister post. I can't promise but I will try and I won't ever check her pages. There is no point to that. This post was triggered by my therapy session but the core issues are now laid out and resolved so doubt I will talk about this to therapist anymore.
Love you all! Like family
You ARE a family
