Very rude, disrespectful 17-year-old son

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Carrie DiMaria, May 12, 2018.

  1. Carrie DiMaria

    Carrie DiMaria New Member

    Hi. I am new to this group. I read some posts about similar situations and it made me feel better to know that I am not alone. Back in November my son decided to move his girlfriend and her (NOT HIS) 1 year old child into my home. I could only take a few days of it and when I let them know how I felt they both left. My son stayed with this girl and her parents for about 4-1/2 months. He is now back at my house but is still dating the same girl. I have told both of them over and over again how I feel about them spending the night together. Last night she spent the night after I told them both how I feel. I am trying very hard to be nice to this girl even though I do not like her. My son even knows that I do not like her but he still acts like I do not matter to him. I am divorced and my son only sees his Dad once in a while so I am dealing with this situation all by myself . My family (Dad and sister) is very hurt by his actions and will not talk to him because he hurt me so bad. I know I cannot kick him out because he is still 17. Any similar stories out there would be much appreciated!
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Wow! That's a difficult situation. I hope someone will know how to handle it. If someone was in my house and wouldn't leave, after being asked to, I would call the police, then get a no trespass order.

    Probably not the best way to handle it... But I would not want a teen girl and baby at my house.

    Ksm
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would kick the girl out. Nobody underage ever slept with my kids in my house under my roof with me even for a night. It reaks of disrespect.

    Our actions tell us how others may treat us. Your son needs a lesson in respect and the girl is his issue, not yours.
     
  4. CDN_DAD_in_tough

    CDN_DAD_in_tough New Member

    I feel for you. My son is not quite 17 yet. I’m divorced and have 2 boys. The younger (13) lives with my ex wife and the older with me in my 2 br apartment. Due to the extremely strained nature of our relationship (we barely communicate and almost exclusively via text msg when we do, we’ve had police/cfs involvement, he lies, uses, completely ignores school, etc) I have no trust in him at all. I have a lock on my bedroom door. I have a wifi cam so I know who is coming and going when i’m out. Basically, I live in a constant state of unease. I can’t really do anything without considering what the consequence might be with regards to him. Can’t go out without worrying about what he’s doing at home. Can’t have friends over because he’s such an angry, unpleasant agitator that it makes it impossible for me to relax.

    But, I still try and be a reasonable person and I make an effort to not sweat the small stuff. I no longer even bother trying to get him to do anything. I just let him lay around his room watching Netflix all day. Once a week or so I wait for him to go out and I go in and clean his utter, embarrassing pig sty of a room. I mean if I don’t i’m going to end up living in a stinky bug-infested shithole. He doesn’t want me going in his room. Basically his position is that if i’m Allowed into his room then he’s allowed in mine. Last night, when he arrived home to find i’d been in his room (fairly obvious since all the dirty clothes and garbage was picked up and the piles of chip crumbs and dirty dishes were all gone plus his little dope stash which i’d found under his bed was sitting on top of his bed) he flipped and decided to try and kick my locked bedroom door open. That lead to a little tussle between he and I and he ended up over at my ex wife’s for the night - which just leads to more stress for me because I don’t want him around my younger son.

    He has a girlfriend. They’ve been a thing for over a year. I let him have her over one or 2 times a week (even though I hate it because it’s a pita for me) but the rule is she isn’t allowed to be there when i’m not home. The problem of course is that there’s a nearly 3 hour window of time between the end of school and my arrival home from work...and he’s recently started bringing her home right after school instead of hanging out elsewhere until I get home. We’ve had it out now once as a consequence but i’m sure it will be an ongoing issue.

    At this point, I would absolutely love it if I could call the police and tell them to take him somewhere. I don’t care where. Honestly, i’d be happy if he ran away and lived on the street. Well, maybe “happy” is the wrong word. I don’t want things to be this way, but he is a completely unreasonable, 100% self-interested nightmare of a human being who makes almost every waking minute of my day miserable. Basically it’s like living with and having to support your worst enemy - an angry, hateful enemy who lacks any conscience or self-control and who has a really bizarre, unrealistic perspective on the nature of his position in the relationship. He seems to firmly believe his rights and privileges as a not even 17 year old kid living under my roof are the same as my rights and privileges.

    But the police won’t do anything. I live in a city that happens to have a large population of racially distinct people who sadly are the primary focus of the local family services. They look around and see my nice apartment and general circumstances compared to the members of that troubled population and it’s fairly obvious that the best place for my son is with me. Things are going to have to reach a very bad state before anything might happen in that regard - very bad indeed. I’m not rich, but i’ve managed to set up a really comfortable little place for us to live. If you had told me 2 years ago I’d be sharing a modest 2br apartment with my older boy, I’d have said “nope. That won’t work. One of us will be dead in a week.” But, I’ve managed to make it work for about 5 months now, no thanks to him in any way. I don’t know how much longer that will be the case.
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2018
  5. Tired mama

    Tired mama Active Member

    Carrie first of all if that is your real name you need to change it this site is anonymous but we all use aliases. I agree it would make me very uncomfortable to have one of my sons come into my home with a girlfriend and " sleep" there. I would make it clear that if they wanted to be together it had to be elsewhere. What other consequences might have an effect: does he use your car? Cant. A no tresspass order on the girl? Are you providing phone, cable, entertaiment systems? Inform your son either he keeps her out or you will bring in the authorities his choice and then follow through. It is your home and if he is not paying rent you make the rules.
     
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  6. Tired mama

    Tired mama Active Member

    Cnd dad it sounds like you have a tough situation. I would let your son know that on his 18th birthday he needs to move out unless there is a drastic change. You said you are supporting him. as i said earlier do you pay for his phone? Does he use your car? It is your home you pay for it let him get a sense of how it feels not to have all the luxuries you provide.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Does this girl take adequate care of her baby,? If she brings the baby to your house, who watches the baby when your son and herself do their thing? I would have no problem calling CPS if the poor child is neglected or abused. She or he should not be in the bedroom while the two of them are doing the deed. That is traumatic for a little one.

    Although son is enough of a problem, I personally would not allow the rest of the problem in my home no matter what sort of toddler tantrum he threw if you set a boundary. If he gets violent, call the cops.

    Not my monkies, not my circus.
     
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    Last edited: May 13, 2018
  8. CDN_DAD_in_tough

    CDN_DAD_in_tough New Member

    We continue to pay for his phone yep. The sad fact is that there just isn’t a way for things to operate without it. We suspended his account a couple times and I have shut down the wifi at times, but it doesn’t change things with him and it makes managing life in general nearly impossible. He doesn’t drive and I will be delaying that as long as possible because I don’t think he is anywhere even close to being mature enough to handle a motor vehicle. I give him a small amount of money. He gets $5 a day which is “lunch money.” I do that because I used to make him a lunch every day for school but i’d Find them on the floor of his room petrified. So, he gets the money instead. I don’t care what he uses it for. Honestly if I found out he was pocketing the money and saving it for something i’d See it as a positive sign that he has some sort of self control. However, that only continues as long as he’s adhering to a very few basic rules. And he’s started to push that envelope so I may soon be cutting off any such niceties.

    Oh, and I have told him he is out at 18. I’m not sure he’ll be here that long even.

    Like I said, the police have been involved. Things have devolved to violence between my son and myself. Last year he ended up with a pretty bad scrape on his hip (a result of me trying to physically haul his rude ass out of bed after about an hour of him telling me to :censored2: off and giving me the finger and making me late for work for the umpteenth time) and cfs did investigate me for “abuse.” That file was closed a couple weeks later as they found no evidence of such. The police arrive. They settle things down. They leave. My son remains with me and the cycle begins anew.

    Therefore, I found the only way to operate was to set a certain level of provision - here’s what I’m prepared to provide with literally no expectation from you. But like I said there’s a line in the sand...a few fundamental things I need and if that is crossed then I stop providing those things. And a shitstorm will ensue but so be it...
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2018
  9. Tired mama

    Tired mama Active Member

    It sounds like you have tried most everything. I agree about the driving. It may come down to when he is on his own at 18 finding out that life is tough without your help. He needs to learn that so no help as far as rent etc. I know alot of us like them to have the phone as a link to reach them but otherwise let him figure it out. Get a job go to a shelter whatever it takes. In the meantime do some things for yourself. Treat yourself to things that make you feel good. Prayers are with you.
     
  10. CDN_DAD_in_tough

    CDN_DAD_in_tough New Member

    Yes that’s basically where I’m at. I added a couple points to my previous post by the way...

    Of course part of the issue now is that i’m In an apartment (which I really love by the way) and I can’t be getting into crazy fights with my deranged son or I’ll end up losing this perfect apartment. Prior to this I was living in my parents basement (with my son if u can imagine) for the previous year while I got the divorce settled. A nightmare believe me...


    Of course none of this really offers much help to the OP. Although I have definitely found it beneficial over the past couple years even just hearing other people’s horror stories. It helps knowing you aren’t the only parent on the planet dealing with these crazy situations.
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2018
  11. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I don't have a similar story, but I would have tried as hard as possible to convince my son he doesn't need to have a girlfriend who was so irresponsible that she allowed herself to get pregnant while still a teenager. Does he want to be a stepfather so early in life? I'm assuming she's around your son's age. I would be very afraid that her irresponsible behavior might rub off on him. What if she gets pregnant again--this time by your son.

    I can sympathize that she may not have any place else to live. It's compassionate of your son to want to help her and her baby. How can he be sure she's not using him?
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well....he will soon be 18. If he were mine he would be out. No violence in my house. No exceptions. Your son is on a bad path. Destructive teens don't listen to reason or change as long a the status quo doesn't change. If you do tchangeyour response to him, he will continue as is.

    If need be, there are other apartments. You k ow this. in my opinion I wouldn't and didn't ever did allow my kids to run my house. Or threaten me. I have four kids and two were difficult at one time but none were as of control as your son. It doesn't always work but for me a ticket to leave helped a lot. All of my kids are doing well now.
     
  13. Tired mama

    Tired mama Active Member

    I know how hard it is to put up with the yelling and police and violence. You find yourself embarrased to walk out the front door. My son was very difficult when my mom passed i moved into her house because my house was a place with too many bad memories. When he acted out here my husband and i said he could not come around. I can't stand that drama in my home anymore. Many of the things i have cautioned you about i have learned the hard way. My son is twice your sons age and i have probably seen twice as much. If he gets physical you can put a restraining order in place. Please take care of yourself.
     
  14. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Hi Carrie and welcome,

    Sorry for your painful experience with your son.

    You can call the police and report the girl as a trespasser, as I believe someone else suggested. If they are having intercourse, technically it is statutory rape if one or both parties is under the age of 18. So you can file a police report for that as well.

    Is your son planning to live away from home next year? College dorm room maybe?

    I wonder what happened at his girlfriend's parents' house. Are you in touch with her parents? Maybe the three of you working as a team can solve this problem.

    Does your son have other issues as well or is it just this girlfriend situation?