We bought a house today for my son to rent.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MissLulu, Jan 31, 2020.

  1. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    Today we bought a house for my son to rent from us.(I talked about our reasoning in my earlier thread The Plan).

    Things have been reasonably good with our son recently, but tonight he was rude to me and left for his friend’s house without saying goodbye. It was a mini tantrum after I questioned him about the falling out with the friend he had initially planned on sharing with. (He has since found someone else to share with.)

    Prior to mini tantrum he seemed excited about the house - didn’t actually manage to say thank you, though.

    I feel really low tonight. I’m happy about the house because I want him to leave but every time he has one of these irrational outbursts I feel beaten. I’m reminded that he’s not “normal”, that things aren’t magically going to get better just because he’s not in my house and that while ever there’s breath in my body I’m going to worry about him.

    Both my husband and I are strong in our resolve that this is the end of the line. No more financial help, no matter what. If he can’t make this work then he’s on his own. I can’t have him here any longer.

    The house settlement is in four weeks. I pray we can get through those weeks without too much drama. I just want to be free of him now.
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  2. Across The Pond

    Across The Pond New Member

    You're on the home run ! All sort of emotions cropping up ... I hope soon it will all be history. When he moves out you will be able to reclaim your home !

    Even if he is not grateful for this help, you are showing loving kindness to yourself ! It's still a win for you. Hope it goes smoothly !
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  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Yay for you. I will be glad when our son is on his own.

    He has NO friends here or girlfriend. We moved here a year ago. I am hoping he gets some of both before he is on his own or I will worry he is lonely.

    I agree I'll worry forever too.

    Our son is kind to us though and never even got real ugly when he used. He is still entitled type though.
  4. startingfresh

    startingfresh Member

    I am rooting for you and your son. It sounds like you have thought it over thoroughly. Good luck on this new plan!!
  5. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    Thanks everyone. I’m feeling a little better this morning. My son isn’t here - he stayed out last night, which isn’t unusual for him on the weekend. After his little blow up last night it’s more than likely he won’t appear again until Sunday night.

    I really am over all of this. I can’t believe that this is where we’ve ended up. Part of me would like to tell him to leave right now and never come back but I’m not ready to see him homeless, not when there is an alternative.

    If I’m being completely honest, I won’t be at all surprised if this plan doesn’t work out. But if it doesn’t at least I will know that we did everything in our power to help him.
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  6. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    My Difficult Child would have drained me dry of every penny we saved for our old age (we are there now). I am so grateful I finally stopped enabling financially, even though it was extremely hard to hear about catastrophe after catastrophe. The thing is that to this day, nothing has changed. I finally realized the only one I could change was me and got to work. And, I mean work. I am still working at it, but steadily I am getting better at responding to my Difficult Child. I fight the darkness at times, but I have found a way to live my own life without guilt. I have regained my wacky ways, which is a very good thing. My husband was ready to leave me if I didn't get back on the road of life.

    I hope your Difficult Child learns to love this new arrangement so he doesn't jeopardize it, and that you gain the strength you need if he doesn't. Love and light to you MissLuLu. With a name like LuLu, you gotta sing!

    "When I'm singing, it's like I'm at home. And music is a great healer. I think I'd have been a basket case if I hadn't been a singer."

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  7. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    Thanks Blindsided. Your quote made me smile, which was nice as I'm feeling quite frustrated right now. I've just wasted 2 hours on the internet trying to find an appropriate support group for myself in my area. Not much luck unfortunately.

    Thank goodness I have this forum. Some days I think it's the only thing keeping me sane.

    L x

    (Lulu is actually my dog's name, but my name shares the same first initial.)
  8. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    I responded to your most recent post also.

    I understand about locating support groups. I have been in therapy off and on (Medicare has limits). I have decided to try for one closer to my home who knows about borderline personality disorder, my Difficult Child hasn't been diagnosed because she refuses mental health, but her behaviors are highly suggested.

    @Copabanana gave me some key words to search for support programs in the state where my daughter lives. I found so many more resources by changing the word search. One of the folks I talked to asked if I needed support, which was comforting thoughts to know is available. So maybe if you work from that angle you can find something for you and the bonus is to find resources you can provide to your son if this doesnt work out. Knowing I have information to give my Difficult Child if and when she is ready, and that she doesn't have to be alone has given me peace. I tagged Copa, so hopefully she can offer something else.

    by the way, anyone who names there fur baby Lulu must sing everyday.
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  9. Overwhelmed1

    Overwhelmed1 Active Member

    Blindsided, mine have drained me dry. I'm now trying to get back to where I was before my daughter showed back up.
    She had stayed away for several years, came back with a good attitude and I received her and the kids with opened arms. I thought this would be the start of a good relationship.
    Since, she has drained me dry, verbally abuses me and I am stuck for the moment paying all her bills.
    I wish I would have found this place before I got so involved with her, I may have been encouraged to do things differently.
    I'm glad I have all of you now as I proceed to undo the damage.
    You all are a very big influence in my decision making now. Not to say it's going to be easy and will be done quickly but I have refuge now.

    Have a Wonderful Day!!!!
  10. Barbaro

    Barbaro New Member

    I hope this works out for you. My son is doing very well where he is and says he wants to stay for another 6 months. The job seems to be going well.
  11. louise2350

    louise2350 Active Member

    Talking about draining you dry brought back a memory for me when my daughter was about 17 living with us at the time. She and my husband got into an argument over her behaviors and she said to him "I will drain everything out of you until there is nothing left" or something similar to that. He was floored when she said this and he couldn't get that statement out of his head. He was the one who was never at home when she'd pull her tantrums and fights with me so I was actually surprised this daughter showed herself to him in this way. After my daughter said that to him, he kept on telling me he couldn't get that out of his head. For once, she was being honest in what she said.
  12. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    I feel the same.
  13. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi Lulu, When we bought the home my daughter is renting from us, I did not think it was going to work but it has. For us it was a win win because we bought it hoping it could help our daughter get stable and if she could not handle it we were going to rent it out. I think the reason it is working is because of the large down payment we made on it so her monthly rent is doable for her. She has priced other places and understands clearly what a good deal she is getting. There were times when my daughter was between jobs and checks coming in late, she was so relieved to have us as landlords. We have had to have major patience with her, it has not been easy but so far it is working. She will do ok for a while and then she slips backwards. Now a days the slip backwards is not as far or deep but still backwards. Good luck and hope it works out good.
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  14. MissLulu

    MissLulu Active Member

    Thanks, Newstart, you have given me hope!