Weird and continued roller coaster ride.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Mar 12, 2018.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    My daughter comes over crying and says that she is over her 1/2 ass boyfriend and this time for sure.
    My husband tells her that if he sees him over at the house we own that he will kick her out, she swears she is done with 1/2 ass boyfriend.

    We decide to take an early morning bike ride past her house and there is his car. My husband does not want to confront it but I do so I go in the back yard and look in the window. I knock on the window and they are upstairs. Husband told her to get out by April 15th. She said boyfriend did not spend the night just came by to take her to church..My husband feels the car and it is cold meaning he spent the night. All that means is her mania will be off the walls. She has given up her life, car, house and all bills, just thrown them in the wind over this 1/2 ass boyfriend that lives with his mother part time. So I see the end to our money drain, we are renting the house out to other people soon and I pray they are good tenants.

    Before my daughter met this 1/2 ass man the arrangement was working.

    I have been crying non stop..An intelligent woman almost 36 years old is throwing everything out over a man that can't be on time or tells her one thing and does another and is on the verge of a break up with her all the time. The lies are bouncing out like fireballs, all I know is that the financial bleeding is about to end.
    I am trying to find the right words to how I feel. Heartbroken, sad, grieved, troubled, overwhelming sad I feel as if someone punched me in the stomach..And I feel all this after practicing detachment.. How much worse would I feel if I did not practice active detachment.
    I am going to have a good cry, put my face into the sun and feel the blessing of the day. I am alive and healthy.
  2. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I’m so sorry.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Well done! You guys are moving forward and that's a good thing. I'm sorry your daughter continues to make poor choices. It's never easy to watch.
    You have such a good attitude - having a good cry then moving on is such a healthy thing to do.
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  4. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I am sorry that she continues to try to manipulate you to be with this man. I will pray that you are able to move on. When they are unable to recognize the people who love them the most and who have been there through thick and thin it is heartbreaking. My councelor tells me i have gone above and beyond so have you.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I was told long ago and believe that adult kids pick their SO over mom and dad every time. She loves this man. But she lies to get her way (I have a mood disorder and will never believe this is is more in my opinion just being who she is). But that is irrelevant. No matter why she treats you undeservedly badly.....she does it.

    You can not put conditions on a 36 year old and expect to prevail. If you want to allow her to rent there and be as honest with you as she is capable of, you need to let him be there too or she will keep lying about him to you. Adults pick even flawed SO over us. We can't pick who they see.

    Yes, you can put conditions on who is in your house. Wouldn't it be better anyway for her to move out and become independent? As long as she is in your property she is still not adulting and she is getting too old to depend on you like she does.

    I believe that this man is cringeworthy, but your daughter makes her own choices...she picked him and she makes all her life choices es. He doesn't make them for her. I will give you a sad example from my own life.

    My son, who we adopted at six, was never that attached to us, but he stuck around until he met a hot older woman who wanted him all for herself. He dumped everyone, except my ex who has a lot of money. Everyone e knows this was her idea, even ex. But Son CHOSE her influence over us. It was not her fault. She did not point a loaded gun to his head. He chose her over the family. HE did.

    Your daughter is choosing her bad decisions. She doesn't have to stay with boyfriend or listen to him and her problems won't end if you push her into leaving him (if you can). She may even deeply resent you and make your relationship worse.

    We can't control our adult kids even if we are sort of supporting them. We can stop supporting them but they usually still do what they want then start a huge hate compagne against us. The adults who bring us here are not exactly mature and fair....

    I am very sorry...for all the dreams that did not come true in your life. It's heartbreaking. Just offering some thoughts. Time for you to focus on YOU first, second and third! You matter and don't need to angst over an intelligent daughter who you gave EVERY advantage to and who is your daughters age and makes choices you don't agree with. How about making your life all about you? Sounds selfish but you have done nothing but give, give, give.

    Today is the first day of the rest of your life. (I love this. It is true every time we awaken!)

    Love and hugs.
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    Last edited: Mar 12, 2018
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry newstart, I know how much this hurts.

    My experience is that it all reached critical mass at one point, which appears you've reached..... and as my husband says, "it got real." At that point it usually hurts like hell......however, it is FROM that point, that we begin to rise out of the quagmire.

    As I read thru your post I thought that it is likely a healthier scenario for YOU AND your husband to rent out the home your daughter lives in to a tenant who will abide by your rules and simply pay you rent. It sure sounds as if it will be better for YOU to not be so directly involved in her affairs. I imagine when you purchased the rental for your daughter to live in you had dreams of that working out for both of you and now that dream has vanished with the reality of the situation. As we go thru this, there is a lot for us to grieve over and let go of, our dreams for our children, our beliefs about what they are capable of, our visions for their destiny, their fate, our dreams about the relationship we'll have with them......and for many of us, all of that goes up in smoke as we come to terms with what reality truly is for our adult kids. It hurts a lot.

    However, as you let go and do your grieving, the pain of it begins to lessen as we not only stop enabling, but stop believing we know what is best for our kids, stop wanting and trying for the situation to be different than what it is, stop feeling responsible, or guilty......acceptance slowly emerges and you feel quite a bit better.......and oddly, the situation with your daughter may not have changed at all......but you've changed......which is what you've been doing all along newstart, changing.

    These changes feel bad, they hurt, usually we have to give something up that we thought we wanted. But, on the other side of the grief, is liberation. You're on your way newstart. You're doing a good job........and it doesn't feel good. Hang in there. We're here for you. It will get better.
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  7. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Sam Thank you for your compassion.
    Tanya, Yes crying is such a healthy thing to do, I let the tears just flow.
    Thank you for your continued compassion.
    Tired mom, Thank you for reminding me that I have gone above and beyond for my daughter, I have given it my all. I am a tried mom too.
    SWOT, I have told my daughter to always make her partner number one in her life or the relationship will not work.. It is ok for her to choose her mate over us, we just don't want to pay for the bills, disrespect and agony she causes us.
    Recoveringenabler, By your words, I know you have walked in my shoes. I know the grieving comes from lost dreams and hopes. My dreams are really quite simple, I just want peace, harmony, doing family things now and again..I have let go of my other hopes like having a good son in law or grandbabies, just the normal things that a woman my age would like.. I am all about harmony and fun, this situation is so hard on my soul. I know much of my problem is that I need to be needed by my children. My opinion meant the world to my son. I need to be respected and loved, so much goodness comes from that. I need to love and be loved, and I get a huge dose of that from husband and friends but really want it from my daughter. I do understand with my daughters disorder it will always be off and on. I am not built to take 'off and on' it is too hard for my soul.
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    NewStart I don't know how your precious, wonderful son was when he became an angel. I can tell you that although all of my grown kids want our approval that now that they are all totally grown, even if we didn't like a choice they made, such as a partner, they would be sorry about it but do what they wanted anyways. Very few adults continue to take our wants into consideration. It's not just your daughter. Grown kids rarely want to hang with even a beloved mom and dad. It happened with you and your mom, and that's a beautiful memory, but I think it's rare. Jumper, my youngest, is the only kid I see that often although I am close to all. Two live out of town. One is a love bug who lives nearby and we see him once a week but he has a form of autism and is not crazy about going out and doing things.

    NewStart, I desperately want my kids to love me too. I never ever got that from my family of origin. I have no extended relatives on my side. I have a sister and brother. I wish I could be close to both. Instead it always makes me feel very disrespected, invalidated and sad to talk to my sister for any reason, and I dont think my brother wants anything to do with me unless I am close to my sister, so after my father's will is dispersed I don't expect to text either again. Of course, it is much worse to have this disconnect t with a daughter, no question about that, but I have a little bit of an understanding about how it feels to you, and I hurt for you so much. Again, I am not comparing my situation to yours. But I did once wish desperately, desperately that I could be loved for myself by family of origin. It once hurt me to my bones.

    My mother disinherited me when she passed. She left me $1. I didn't care about the money. I cared about the rejection. I had apologized to her over and over even though she was horrid to me and refused to know my kids. And I wasn't even sure what I did to deserve her disdain but I was the family scapegoat and she either had borderline or bipolar or both.....

    This is not about me. It's just a relief to finally be able to talk about my mother knowing that I never have to defend what I say about her and remember about her to anyone again.

    I am sorry. I did not mean to steal your thread.

    I hope you can find the peace you seek. I did. It is possible for you to be happy. Yes. It is. You have been through so much but where there is life, there is hope. Try to trust the Universe....

    My husband and I plan to RV snowbird next year. Maybe you and your very dear hub can start doing amazing things together! You both deserve much happiness. Be Honeymooners again. Date again. It's fun to do! I don't know if you believe this but I FEEL my passed loved ones with me. It's eerie. If you do too then you know your son is still watching you.

    Love and hugs.
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    Last edited: Mar 12, 2018
  9. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    SWOT, I can hear the hurt in your post about your mother, I am so sorry for the rejection that you felt from her, rejection is very painful. The magical relationship I had was with my grandmother and I believe in the afterlife because my grandmothers spirit is with me always.
    I hope you will enjoy RVing. We had a winnibago when the kids were younger and had a great time with it, later got a teardrop trailer and had fun with that as well. We have had our eyes open for something else but not sure what it is yet, we have talked about it recently. We go on dates and we volunteer together, we grow vegetables together and have several different fruit trees, we love watching things grow, we have gym memberships and bikes so we actually do many things together. My husband is a good decent man but can get long winded with sports, world business and his job, I do listen but OMG. Thank you for mentioning my son. I feel he has reincarnated, I don't feel his spirit as strong like I do the others that have passed, even though I miss him the most. Peace and love right back to you.
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  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    New Start, you are a wonderful soul. Honestly, my family rejection did hurt and since I know that this time I will not be ever speaking to my sister again, I can write my heart here
    My sister reads all my posts here. Yes, it is sick...she is sick. But at least I can be free and whatever she may read will never be discussed. I won't allow her to contact me.. she knows I don't want her to and I will try legal action if she doesn't stay away from me in every way. I have not even tried to see what she posts since I had to end it with her. It is like she vanished to me. Thank you for feeling my pain. It is not bad now, but I feel emotional about a mother who was cold to me. From the time I was an infant.

    NewStart, I do not know if you believe that certain gifted people can connect to the next world bit if you do I know of a lady who told me all about my passed loved ones in extreme detail and nobody knew these things so there was no way she could have guessed...nor read my body language. It's a phone call. The first time I talked to her there were no computers so she could not have looked me up. She convinced me of continuing soul life after we leave this world and I have been on a peaceful journey since with my belief. If you want her name and number send me a private message. You can perhaps connect to your son...I warn you, the way she delivers messages sounds just like they sounded in physical form.

    In meditation (I used guided off the internet) you can quiet your mind and feel those in spirit too.

    Hugs and hope. Your husband sounds great. A good marriage is a true blessing! Few seem to be in love after many years. We have this gift.

    Thank you again. I feel your warm, loving energy ;)
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2018
  11. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Thank you for this love fest. I need just to read this right now.
  12. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    SWOT, Thank you for the offer for a medium but in my life I have so many out of the world things happen that I just listen to my intuition and angel guides.
    My daughter came over last night with a plan of attack for her situation. She looked tired and sick, she has a bad head cold. She gave me the money for her car note, all of it, she asked me if I could go ahead and pay it on line, she did not have time and it would have been late. She does not like when we are at odds and comes over and tries to make things right between us but it only lasts for a few days and then she is back to lying and awful.
    Sam, So glad you got to enjoy the love fest, lots of good energy comes from love, being loved and giving love, my motto 'the only things that really matter are love and kindness'.

    I have many things swimming in my head about my future. So much of me wants to sell both homes and live in a highrise. I keep remembering how much fun it was to stay with my aunt that lived in a highrise, I was very young but remember it like it was yesterday. I loved looking at all the views and the trains going by underneath.

    So much can change for me and my family in the next few months. I do not know which direction it will take. I listen to the advice on this board and one of the suggestions that stays with me is 'Only do what you can stand'. I have had to be tough in the past and it did not bother me, I have had to be tough recently and I am so tired getting my patience tested on a regular basis. Last month I asked my husband to take me to a port so I can get on a ship by myself and just take a break, sit out on the balcony, enjoy the ocean and listen for God's next instructions and direction. My husband was having a hard time and did not want to be alone so I decided to stay home.
    It has been a rough winter. My emotions are shot, I am tired yes I am a very tired mom, I feel old and weathered and I know it is from trying to have dealings with my daughter.
    When my daughter went to college overseas 16 years ago, it was the most peaceful, prosperious time in my life. So many things fell into place, I did miss her, I just did not miss her constant B.S. Odd thing is that she called me everyday and the nice thing was that when I thought she was giving me a line of BS I just did not answer the phone or get off quickly, I know she missed me deeply or else she would not have called everyday. I remember years ago I met a man that was married to a woman, the woman died by suicide and the man told me that she had what was called womb syndrome, where she could not get a healthy seperation from her mother and when her mother did not move with her she ended up killing herself.
    I know that I love my grandmother endlessly and completely, she is my soul mate but when she passed I was deeply sad but knew it was part of the life cycle and had comfort that she was guiding me from above, the reason I mention that is because my siblings use to tease me about being a deep and true 'grama's girl'.
    I see that my daughter desperately needs me. She hates me and deeply loves me, she hates that she needs me so much, she wishes me ill will and she would be horribly grieved if something happened to me. I can't stand the off and on with her disorder. I can't stand to be on the receiving end of her madness, I can't stand how hopeless and scared I feel when she is manic out of her head and I can't even see her when I look into her eyes.
    My daughters off and on keeps me on edge, I know in life there are so many normal off and on's but with her the peaks and valleys are so deep and so high. My husband, (son was) and I are even tempered, it was very hard to live with her.

    If my daughter could just balance herself, do the right things and keep herself employeed, it would be much easier to detach, I am still working on detaching no matter which way she turns because I have to do this for my own health and well being. My daughter can be so rotten and yet there are glimpses of goodness in her, lately not very much or very often but there are glimpses.
  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Can she take medication? It seems she needs help to even out her moods. Honestly I used to get very deeplly depressed for no reason. One antidepressant decades ago suddenly normalized my mood. I don't get mixed states or depressed anymore....not to the point that it effects my life. Yet it took a decade to find that magic pill and for me it is. Will she not try? If she is bipolar or has any mood disorder you don't need a reason to get depressed and I suspect you can get manic for no external reason too,although I only got intermittently hypomanic (depression made me withdrawn and angry at myself and others but in hypomania I felt great and did not get irritable.) Those mixed states, which I haven't had since the medications, are a weird, uncomfortable, unexplainable combo of depression and mania at the same time, and are most apt to cause irritability and more. I don't miss them!

    Although antidepressants are not supposed to help any kind of bipolar, that is the only medication that helped me without changing my basic personality, zoning me out or causing side effects. It does take time to find a good fit. Ten years here, but there are some new tests you can take now to help predict which medications will work. It is a cheek swab.

    In her better frame of mind, can you talk to her again about trying legal medication with maybe a psychiatrist who specializes in pharmacology? That's who finally helped me.

    I am usually calm now. Yes, extreme stress CAN destabilize me and that most happened infrequently around my family of origin interactions...that was very hard. But therapy helped too and I learned that while some people can deal with critical, toxic, blaming people, it is not healthy for me to do so. I always do what is best for my health. So I no longer will interact with the few still left. Your daughter can learn too about triggers.

    There is so much help for mood disorders if that is truly what daughter has....but a real ability to calm the racing thoughts is medications and knowing your limits through therapy. You can't do it without intervention. It is part of your chemistry.

    I sure hope she is someday open to psychiatric treatment and no street drugs.

    Extra hugs. I really like you. You don't deserve to be sad. Truly you don't.

    I stepped off the soap box now.

    Last edited: Mar 13, 2018
  14. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I just replied to another post how it was so like my relationship with my son and this post also hits so close to home. Except for the high rise i want a cabin by a lake. I am afraid of heights. I think the things we all have in common are what bring us to this site. We both love and dislike our difficult children no matter how old they get. I think we all need more time to live for ourselves and our significant others. We are all tired mama's.
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  15. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    SWOT I have tried to get my daughter to take medication for over 16 years but she will not. I raised both of my children very organic, they did not have their first coke to drink until they got one at a friends house when they were 6 and 7 and thought they were hot shots being able to drink a coke was such a huge sneaky thing. So when I told my daughter that I thought it was a good idea if she went on medication she thought I was trying to poison her. My daughters therapists, doctors and friends all have told her she needs to be on medication. I have begged and pleated with her. Once I found benedryl at her house, I think she was using that to sleep. I pray that someday she will consider it, she really needs to be on it..All of her friends have told me that they have never seen her take street drugs. Alcohol makes her sick and she is afraid of street drugs, she has a hard time swallowing as it is. My daughter also is deadly afraid of needles. It was a huge deal to get her to even take shots. So in a way her paranoia is a blessing. Thank you for the extra hugs and hugs back to you.
  16. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Tired mama, we have been looking for a very secluded cabin in the woods, nothing big or fancy just some place quiet. I have also been looking at highrises but husband says we are too much dirt people and have to dig and grow stuff. My husband is the type of guy that puts blankets on our fruit trees when it gets too cold. I am deeply exhausted, bone tired, tired to the core over my daughters behavior. It it hard to keep a balance and work on detaching all at the same time..
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  17. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I think your daughter will stay with the half-ass boyfriend until she realizes that she matters. Until she respects herself and loves herself enough, she will settle for a loser. She thinks she can't find anybody better. She has to come to the realization that she is above his crap.
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Benadryl which I have taken for sleep won't help. She has a serious disorder. It's too bad she won't take psychiatric medications. (Sigh)
  19. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Crayola13, You are right on and that is exactly what I told my daughter.
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry that there was more drama with your daughter. I know it is hard on you. Maybe you can look at this as her finally being "launched", and you getting your rental property back. Be prepared to have to do some serious repairs to the property.

    Have you looked into what you need to do to evict her? I would not expect her and 1/2AzzBF to leave quietly. They may very well drag this into the courts. Start with documentation of what the agreement was for tenancy and what the agreement is for her to leave if/when she broke the tenancy agreement. You may very well have to formally evict her.

    In one thread I think you mentioned that her "rent" was supposed to go toward buying the house from you. This would be a rent to own or lease to own situation. You might have to actually foreclose on her if this is the case. That could take even longer, depending on your state and local laws and what documentation you have and that she has. Sadly this is becoming a problem more and more often for parents. Don't delay in contacting a lawyer to find out what your rights are.

    Remember, she has yet to do anything you asked when you asked her to do it. Why would you expect her to move out on the date you told her to leave, just because you told her to? This is why I think you may have to formally and legally evict her. And that reality stinks like a landfill of poop!