well, this isnt about Kay and I never dreamed I would ne here for this one

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by BusynMember, Jun 19, 2019.

  1. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    My older brother was a screw up. He is currently in another country. The short version is that he was or still is a drug addict who got a girl pregnant in high school. His daughter I will call Page. She lived with her rather cold grandparents but was always a really sweet girl who got good grades and graduated college as a teacher.

    She met a very great man at work, also a teacher and a wedding was planned one year ago for this July. Wedding plans were set up.

    I am very close to Page. Her grandmother is in her late 70s now and grandfather is deceased. She and her mother, still screwing up, dont speak. I helped her plan the wedding and we paid for certain things.

    Page called crying a few nights ago. After being with her fiance for four years and at the last minute she called the wedding off, saying she hasnt been happy for a while and does not want to really be tied down. Came out of nowhere. I spent all night talking to her. She feels very guilty, but has made up her mind.

    The word is out now and everyone is calling ME, as if I am her mother. I am so stressed I cant explain. I had to turn off my phone.

    Kay by the way thinks its a riot. She is jealous of Page and called me to say she is now a screw up. I hung up on her. She was so mean about it.

    I left a message for Page to call me and told her that she had to be the one to cancel the plans and do everything else. The family thinks of me as such a doormat that they are all coming to ME.

    Nobody has heard from or seen Page. Her fiance called me frantic. I suspect she left town until she can get her act together. She truly IS sorry snd guilty and has a habit of disappearing when times are rough.

    But I have had enough grief with Kay and dont want to take this on too. I mean, she could have called this off six months ago, when she first started having doubts, instead of four weeks before the wedding. I would have had more time then and would have been more willing to help Page. I do love her.

    For now husband and I are planning a trip starting Sunday. Its s bad time for him to take off work. Our company thrives in the summer. But we feel we have no choice.

    I am packing as fast as I can and am not turning my phone on again for a while. I heard from relatives I hadnt spoken to in years because Page planned a big wedding.

    I am both furious at Page and feel so sorry for her.

    Sometimes I wish my heart were not so big.

    Thanks for listening.
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think your response is healthy and makes sense. This is not your mess to clean up. I don't fault Page for what she has done. If it took until now for her to figure it out, it is better now than to go through with a wedding she does not want. There was no other way this could have gone.

    As far as relatives coming at you, that is unfair and I would do what ever it took to be out of it. These things happen. Page needs to rise to the occasion to let everybody know in a direct, kind, dignified way, and to be available to clean this up. Not you. If she cannot do this, it cannot and should not fall on you.

    I'm sorry Busy.

    PS I will not even mention here Kay, her lack of compassion and the smallness, envy and spitefulness she is choosing to bring forth.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2019
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Thanks Copa. Its the last thing I expected and I am not going to clean this mess. She is no young kid who made a mistake. She can fix this herself or get someone else to help her. I am worn out. I cant.

    Kay was disgusting. She is jealous of everyone and likes when they do anything she thinks is wrong. Then she says "See? I never did that. Maybe I'm not so bad." by the way nobody ever telld her she is bad. It must be her seeing herself that way.

    My other daughter and my son are going to be the only ones who can call us. We are giving them the name of where we are staying and the phone number. We are considering keeping both cell phones at home and off.
     
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Since you were helping her pay for certain things, make sure to cancel any things that you might have reserved for her, in your name. Hopefully, there isn't anything! Ksm
     
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  5. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I have blocks on my phone as well but would consider taking one with you even if it is off just in case of an on road emergency. I agree it is her mess to clean up not yours. I also agree you should take care of anything with your name so you get the deposits back and her family doesn't try to claim it.
     
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Thanks. Yes we will get deposits back. Also husband thought of the possible emergency so we are taking one phone....his......and keeping it charged but off. That way if we need a phone we will have one.

    Its been nice since I turned off my phone and my husband has his on vibrate and is only answering our nice daughter and our son. Nobody else.

    We are renting a cabin on a lake in the middle of nowhere. We just want peace and quiet, some walks, fishing. We are bringing our boat. Quiet peaceful week.
     
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  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I think it was @Copabanana who said something about not inserting ourselves into the lives of our children. I think this also applies here with your niece.
    You are very wise to stay out of it and not respond to the phone calls. People call off weddings every day and better that it happen now than the day of. It's Page's responsibility to let people know the wedding has been called off. Who knows, after a few day of being off by herself she might change her mind.
    I'm glad you are getting away for a few days and you're leaving your phone home. EjJoy you time.:happyguy:
     
  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Thank you.

    I learned from Kay that nobody wins or learns if somebody does for them. I am looking forward to spending peaceful time alone with my husband. We have been working on our marriage and this should help.
     
  9. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    I am thinking of you BusynMember. I would feel the same. Good for you turning off the phone. That is something we can all control.

    I love this quote and it might help.

    “Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn't measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It's not winning battles that makes you happy, but it's how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.”
    ― C. JoyBell C.
     
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