What do you say when people ask?

Mixed up Mom

New Member
As I recently posted, my son is now homeless. He is living in a tent. Occasionally he talks to people I know too and they are just appalled that he is on the street. Now I am approached by some as being some sort of terrible mother. I did take my son a coat, some sweat pants, and two sweatshirts. He is just too abusive to let him live with me anymore. How do other parents respond to such questions?
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
"I would rather not discuss it."

That's what I say. In our town where we have a business, we were asked all the time.

If somebody is a rare "gem" who continues "But I saw..."

"I am not discussing g it. So how was your vacation?"
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Fir me, it varies a bit on the person.
Many people, I would try to avoid saying anything altogether.
Someone I know well and I know to be a good person…I might say a tiny bit more like they are struggling a bit now, but we don’t wish to discuss it.
A very select, rare …close friend…I might tell a bit more and ask fir confidentiality and prayer.
Other than a therapist and others like in a support group…I think certain things like homelessness or addiction are best kept kept quiet. It could be used as gossip. Or if indeed someone cares, it could burden them.
These are just tremendously sensitive and private matters.
 

Blighty

Member
When people know something about my 'problem' it really annoys me when they go on about their own kids successes. I don't mix in those circles when I could be asked 'how are they'. It's isolating but easier that way.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Not everyone needs or is at privilege to know your situation. Why should they? I only used to disclose to people close to me that would understand all I did for my sons and didn't "judge" me. Those who haven't walked in our shoes cannot fully comprehend all that we have gone through and they will inevidably look down on us.

Say, if you must. He's doing the best that he can right now and leave it at that.
 

in a daze

Well-Known Member
As I recently posted, my son is now homeless. He is living in a tent. Occasionally he talks to people I know too and they are just appalled that he is on the street. Now I am approached by some as being some sort of terrible mother. I did take my son a coat, some sweat pants, and two sweatshirts. He is just too abusive to let him live with me anymore. How do other parents respond to such questions?

“He’s between jobs”.

They usually get the hint and don’t press on.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
This thread has been repeated a few times over the years.

In one, I discussed this horrible feeling I got when a close friend of many years said she got “enjoyment” hearing me talk about our difficult child. It made her feel better about her own problems.

Boy did that rub me the wrong way. I mean deeply. I let it go…but never forgot.

Interestingly, she did and said some other VERY strange things to me that showed no empathy whatsoever and likely jealousy. So there were more strange snd hurtful comments that came later. Whoknew? I thought it was just a one time thing. People can misspeak. But…repeatedly?

We are no longer friends.
 

tommi

New Member
I have learned the hard way, tell no body no one take it to the grave, when people say how are you, what that means is, hello I do not want to really know so say hi and keep walking. If you don't want everyone in your town to know, TELL nobody. Sad but true some people want things to go bad for others.
 

Aching Heart

New Member
Only my close family and my very closest friends (and my past therapists) know why I have disassociated from my youngest daughter. I do not discuss it with anyone else, for fear of being judged I suppose. People who have not seen how she hurt me and my husband cannot possibly understand unless they have been through it too.
 

Mixed up Mom

New Member
Only my close family and my very closest friends (and my past therapists) know why I have disassociated from my youngest daughter. I do not discuss it with anyone else, for fear of being judged I suppose. People who have not seen how she hurt me and my husband cannot possibly understand unless they have been through it too.
I haven't even told family members and friends. You are so right. No one knows what we've been through.
 

Mixed up Mom

New Member
I have learned the hard way, tell no body no one take it to the grave, when people say how are you, what that means is, hello I do not want to really know so say hi and keep walking. If you don't want everyone in your town to know, TELL nobody. Sad but true some people want things to go bad for others.
I have told no one. They would not understand.
 

Mixed up Mom

New Member
Not everyone needs or is at privilege to know your situation. Why should they? I only used to disclose to people close to me that would understand all I did for my sons and didn't "judge" me. Those who haven't walked in our shoes cannot fully comprehend all that we have gone through and they will inevidably look down on us.

Say, if you must. He's doing the best that he can right now and leave it at that
Not everyone needs or is at privilege to know your situation. Why should they? I only used to disclose to people close to me that would understand all I did for my sons and didn't "judge" me. Those who haven't walked in our shoes cannot fully comprehend all that we have gone through and they will inevidably look down on us.

Say, if you must. He's doing the best that he can right now and leave it at that.
They would think I was horrible. They don't understand what we've been through.
 

healing

New Member
Only my close family and my very closest friends (and my past therapists) know why I have disassociated from my youngest daughter. I do not discuss it with anyone else, for fear of being judged I suppose. People who have not seen how she hurt me and my husband cannot possibly understand unless they have been through it too.
You said it perfectly.
 

clive

Clive
This can be a difficult and painful thing. With me, I have to explain that we (my wife and I) have been letting my 31 year old daughter, her boyfriend, and their three children live in my house, for the past 11 years. Over the years, people have usually said things like "that's great of you to be so supportive." But, as the years go on, I think they are, understandably dumbfounded as to why we've let them stay so long (it is a long and exhausting story).

I have been in your situation before (before the kids came), when we'd kicked my daughter out, or the baby daddy, and he was living in a tent. But now, there are kids involved, I can't put them out on the streets. If it was just my daughter and her boyfriend, and we kicked them out (for good reasons) and they became homeless, I think I would feel justified, if someone asked me. I would give a brief rundown (a bullet list, so to speak) of the reasons, and if they still had a disapproving attitude, I would shrug it off and move on. You should be self-assured that you've done the right thing, as hard as it might have been. At some point we have to stop being affected by what others think about us.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Hi Mixed Up,

When my son was first homeless, I kept it pretty close to the vest, but people usually find out. My response varied in regard to who was asking about him. I tried to take the approach that it was probably not something they had experienced and were genuinely curious or concerned. My goto was "Yes, he choose homelessness over sobriety. We're praying that he makes better choices, we would appreciate your prayers, thanks for asking...or some variation thereof. If someone was being rude, I would say "yes, it is true and I pray that you never have to experience this firsthand."

I used to lie because I was ashamed of my part in it, or didn't want to talk badly about him. I think anything you say has risks, but for the most part people just wanted to understand.

Hope this helps. Love,
Jmom
 

Bgilber76

New Member
As I recently posted, my son is now homeless. He is living in a tent. Occasionally he talks to people I know too and they are just appalled that he is on the street. Now I am approached by some as being some sort of terrible mother. I did take my son a coat, some sweat pants, and two sweatshirts. He is just too abusive to let him live with me anymore. How do other parents respond to such questions?
My son is recently homeless, alcoholic and has somehow managed to live in a rental for three years without paying. Finally got kicked out, has no motivation and expected me and his father to help him out, he is 44 years old. This is not the first time, we have helped him with money many times in the past, but we decided no more. When a family member text us that we should be helping him and blah blah blah, we told him basically told him do not try the guilt game with us because it won’t work. He is an adult and has done this to himself. He is an abusive alcoholic and we will not allow him to stay with us. People are more than welcome to help him out if they so choose. And yes I have had sleepless nights thinking of him, but I know this is for the best because the moment I let him into my house, there will be drama and physically abusive behavior.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi B and welcome,
I’m so sorry for your need to be here but glad that you found this site.
I have two daughters on the streets and people have asked me why I don’t just “take them in.”
I have tried that route and it doesn’t work. Their lifestyles and choices and penchant for drama are to say the least not conducive for a family home. My home quickly became a candidate for the Jerry Springer show and stress levels were off the charts. People who have not dealt with living with an addicted using adult child cannot understand the level of degradation one goes through.
Finally got kicked out, has no motivation and expected me and his father to help him out, he is 44 years old. This is not the first time, we have helped him with money many times in the past, but we decided no more.
That is not an easy decision to make, but I do believe it is the right one. I will help my two if they decide to go to rehab and make the effort to stay clean, but I won’t buy into their addiction and street life by giving them money.
When a family member text us that we should be helping him and blah blah blah, we told him basically told him do not try the guilt game with us because it won’t work. He is an adult and has done this to himself. He is an abusive alcoholic and we will not allow him to stay with us.
I call it self preservation. It makes no sense for an entire family to go down with the proverbial ship. Abuse, manipulation, theft, how could anyone live like that? I don’t think we do our wayward adult children any favors by allowing them to mistreat us. It’s hard enough to swallow down the sadness of their life choices and pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and live our lives. People who have not walked the walk should not be judging.
People are more than welcome to help him out if they so choose. And yes I have had sleepless nights thinking of him, but I know this is for the best because the moment I let him into my house, there will be drama and physically abusive behavior.
That is a perfect answer. Unfortunately, we become targets. My daughter used to complain that I didn’t love her “unconditionally”, meaning that I should put up with her behaviors. Everything has boundaries, including love. We have to love ourselves and not let anyone, adult children included, step all over us. It is not easy to draw the line in the sand, especially when it comes to our own grown children. The reality that they become abusive in our homes is awfully harsh, but true and it is no way to live. Our home are our sanctuary’s, a place for us to find peace, not chaos.
Much love to you.
Stay strong Mama.
New Leaf
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
People who haven’t had the experience of living with a violent person think an addict’s only problem is drug addiction. They don’t take into consideration how hard it is to put up with untreated mental illness and violent behavior. There are so many problematic behaviors that go along with the substance abuse.
 
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