What is the impact

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I had a son who disappeared for totally different reason (adopted older, he had issues). I wrote and wrote and wrote and I still haven't spoken to him in six years. He archived all of my letters into his computer (weird, I know) and saw them as negatives and presented them to his new wife as negatives. I'll likely never see him again. It was horrible right after it happened...I am used to it now. At sometime I thought, "I was a good mom to him. It's his loss."

Sometimes anything you commit to paper is passed around and everyone sees what they want to see in it. This doesn't mean it won't work. It may. It just means that it could go in either direction. She will probably show her mother. Do you want that?
I think you can send her a card that says much of what you want to say. On the bottom maybe you can sign "To t he daughter that nobody can ever replace." And for pity sakes if you spend more on this girlfriend of yours than your daughter, don't let her know!
When you first wrote, sounded like daughter did this impulsively for no reason, but it was a long time coming and she had a reason and she is both angry and hurt. Can you keep SO out of her life? If you go to dinner, you can go alone with her and leave SO at home. HER home. You will have to play a difficult balancing act, I'm afraid. You simply have to accept that you can't have it all and it isn't the way you thought it would be in your fantasies. Since you met girlfriend only eighteen months after you and your wife split up, that probably seems like right away to both of your daughters. You probably shouldn't have told your daughters about her until/unless you were close to engagement. You, more than us, know how sensitive your daughters are and you need to take their personalities into consideration.

Maybe there is a reason they don't like your SO. Does she hang all over you? Act like she owns you in front of them? Like to sit on your lap or kiss you in front of them? Even if she doesn't, your daughters do see her as a threat to them. I hope you can figure out something...to please all of you.
 

rmccart

New Member
I have been doing this balancing act for the past 14 months, I did not introduce my SO until almost a year, wanted to make sure it was a LTR before allowing the integration with my daughter.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Ok...well, I believe you meant well and also believe your daughter is probably a bit immature, but it is what it is. You did all you could and she is uncomfortable with this woman. We can't tell you what to do about it. Would getting rid of the woman get your daughters back? Do you want that?

Only you can decide. Good luck :)
 

1905

Well-Known Member
No, you can't get rid of this woman because your daughter doesn't like the relationship. This is your friend! You're entitled to some happiness after all. She is being selfish, especially with comments on how you spent your money at Christmas. Don't sacrifice your personal happiness. Don't even entertain it.

You're SO doesn't live there, but she will be your guest whenever you decide. Of course you want your daughter in your life, maybe she should stay at her mom's for awhile, she likes things the way there were- when she was the only princess, it's a tough lesson for her, but you need to live your life too. Let her know that she is welcome back, you love her, but you need to move forward and make new friends and have new relationships, the same way she does.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Although I agree with this, this poster is overly concerned about his daughter's estrangement and is not able to move on without her. That's his problem....
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
I wish you good luck and promise not to keep posting on this thread, lol. One last thought comes to mind. When you do get together with your daughter I would suggest that the conversation be based on how and what daughter is doing, any new activity in your life...even the weather or sports (preferably a topic that has special memories or shared interests that the two of you have). I would suggest that your SO not be present figuratively or literally. Dads & daughters have a special connection that has been interrupted. There's alot of catching up to do. Your daughter "may" bring up SO and, if so, I would listen, respond briefly and avoided any protracted conversation. I hope you all will have plenty of time to slowly work your way back to a comfortable place. Good luck. DDD
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
rmccart I do want to say I admire the way you care for your daughter, the effort you're putting in trying to keep the relationship where it was not that long ago. It shows how much you love her.

However you do want to be careful with behavior you allow her to get away with even while attempting to put the relationship back the way it was before. Because what she gets away with now will stay a pattern of behavior and will likely only get worse. So if you allow her to dictate the way you conduct relationships either verbally or by her behavior, she will continue to do so........and in my experience that DOES only get worse.

You are an adult entitled to your own life. She is an adult entitled to hers.

This is something you both have to learn now that she is an adult child. It's a very important life lesson.

I realize the focus is on the SO......but I wonder if SO is being used as a scapegoat perhaps? Adult children grow up and leave the nest. Even with children we are extremely close to......those relationships change as our lives take new directions. You may still be fairly close or you may not, depending. Daughter may be ready to move on with her adult life (normal) but not quite yet ready for you to move on with yours......in many young people's eyes it's ok for them to grow and change ect because that is the way it's supposed to be but they have issues when their parents start to do the same thing because they naturally expect the parent to remain the person they have been throughout their childhood. When the parent's life takes a new direction it can cause resentment and even anger. I wonder if this anger is directed at your SO simply because your daughter has convinced herself you would not have changed if it hadn't been for this woman. If that is the case and you give in to her behavior it will happen each and every time you bring someone new into your life. I have an old childhood friend dealing with this right now. Her husband died 10 yrs ago, if she so much as looks at a male her daughter throws a major hissy fit and she's not "allowed" to see her grandchildren for months. This is an immature view of the child's parents.

As parents of adult children we learn detachment. I used to think that just applied to difficult children who drove us nuts, but it doesn't. It applies to all grown children on varying levels.

My kids had major issues when I went back to college several years ago. You'd have thought I yanked the rug out from under them or something, like they couldn't function without me being available 24/7. I explained to them that they were growing up and I still had a life to live and quite a lot of years to go on living it.....that included school. They adjusted. Now that Fred passed away I have to enter the workforce. Of all my kids to have an issue with it, it's easy child. (go figure lol ) She hasn't really point blank said anything but it really bothers her to where she will almost drive me loony with other suggestions that just will not work. I have to work to support myself. It's a fact of life. She doesn't like it and is being forced to adjust to it. I imagine if by some remote chance I should choose to date someone in the future they will again have to adjust. Such is life.

You can force your daughter to be close to you again. Your daughter is behaving immaturely and throwing a type of tantrum. Just like when she was small if you give in, it will continue. You can drop her a lovely card along the lines of "thinking of you.......how about coffee or lunch on such and such a date, just let me know" type thing. You can send holiday cards and write little notes. Shows you still love her, still think about her, and obviously still care.

That is sort of what I do with katie. For all her protests that I don't spend every waking moment with her or her kids......if I try too had to spend more time with her she pushes me away. It's nothing more than immaturity, jealousy of her sibs, spoiled brat syndrome (thanks biomom), and mental illness mixed in to keep it interesting. I love her, no doubt about it. I enjoy spending time with her. But I can't force it upon her either, and I've told her that. I've also told her point blank that relationships are two sided and she also has to contribute. I drop cards....or I text a little something quite frequently. I do what I can to invite her to be involved with things she would enjoy. She either accepts or not. If not, then I don't worry about it.

Learning to detach can be difficult and it is a process. Learning to accept our roles as parents of adult kids is also a process. Learning to accept and put into place proper boundaries as parents of adult kids is also somewhat difficult but it can and should be done.

((hugs))
 

rmccart

New Member
Lisa

By far the best response Ive gotten, you are spot on about everything! As time passes I am adjusting, this hissy fit will pass unfortunately it is the first as an adult child so there is a lot of blood letting. Thanks for your response
 

rmccart

New Member
So update
As of 2/9 I have stoppedcc reaching out to daughter, she does not make any attempt to contact me ,she did stop by when I wasn't home and still has her mail sent ti my address I am moving on with my life, looking to move, if she wants to be a part of it is up to her.
 

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
Ditto what Lisa said. My H has always been a part of my girls' lives...that said, it didn't make it easier when easy child walked in on us having sex and got a full frontal view of H....omg, embarrassing for all. I spoke with her, or tried to, and she didn't want to. I let it go. She was not resentful in any way and got over it and it certainly did not scar her! She's actually close with her stepdad.

difficult child, on the other hand, has been resentful of H since her teen years when she got it into her head that get biodad was wronged by me. No matter what, H was the villain. She has gotten over that thankfully!

in my opinion, I think you need to take a step back and not make any apologies. She's an adult and needs to get over it and accept that after a certain amount of time you are entitled to have an adult relationship. You would do well to practice some discretion but you definitely do not owe your daughter an apology or explanation. Just my 2 cents.

Carry on...
 

1905

Well-Known Member
I think she will come around. She is just embarrassed and needs time to process and come to terms with the new normal in your life. Also, because of her embarrassment, don't talk about it. Maybe just generally ask if there is anything she wants to talk about. Then drop it. It might get weird for her otherwise. Previously I know I said to discuss it, but no.

2 of my 3 each walked in once....they just opened the door, then shut it real fast, never did we discuss.

I work with a woman who was an adult and she still lived at home, She went into her parents room, and opened the door ...oops....she said"MEOW" as thought she were the cat and closed it. Years later they told her they knew it was her because the cat wouldn't have shut the door!
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I am joining this thread a bit late. First, I am not sure I have read any of your posts, so welcome! You will find that this is a truly amazing, loving, caring, group that will sincerely care about you and your family, no matter what. I am glad to have you join us. We DO have other fathers, but they do not seem to post as much. It is wonderful to have another male point of view. Cause y'all truly do often see things differently than we do, and react to things differently that we do.

If you have a chance to sit down with your daughter and talk about this, tell her you love and miss her and she can come back if she wants to (if that indeed is an option), and/or that you would like to work on fixing what was damaged in the past. Right now she is at an age where she is seeing her parents and other adults close to your age or older as people. Of course she didn't think of you as a puppy or fish, but she only thought of you as a Father. This was esp true once the two of you were the only ones in your home after the divorce. Explain that you are sorry she was so uncomfortable and upset. Explan that no matter what persons are in your life, she is still your daughter and you love and cherish her. Ask WHY she left when she did and the way she did. Even if she screamed it at the top of her lungs as she left, ask her to explain. Ask why she didn't give you a chance to speak to her about it.

She needs to see you as an adult with the same adult choices and freedoms that she has, probably more. There is one thousand percent NO reason that you should cut SO out of your life or have her 'on the side' and hide her from your daughter.

By cutting SO out of your life, or your home, or keeping adult females you care about away from her so totally, you give her a ton of very bad things. She will feel a great sense of possession toward you. You will have actively taught her that after you divorce, you have no right to form any romantic relationship with anyone else. You will teach her that you are less of a person and are not allowed to have a person who is your peer to care about you. . Most of all, you will teach her that you cannot love another adult as a SO because there isn't enough love for both your daughter and your SO.

When would you stop doing what she wants in regard to your adult choices? Would you talk them over in detail so that she could make a truly informed decision? How sick would that be? When she has a breakup, who is to take control of her adult choices? If adults cannot have relationships after a relationship ends, then SHE is not supposed to date anyone or be intimate wth them either. Should you throw her out if she does have sex after a breakup? How long after each relaionship ends is an adult supposed to stay out of all relationships that include sex? Questions like these, at the appropriate time and place, might have a very profound effect on her, even if her first reaction is that you are nuts or is anger.


Rather than telling her to grow up (which I seriously want to do, but it would be counterproductive), ask her what she thinks you thought and felt when she walked like that? Was that a good way to handle things? How would she feel if, now that she is an adult, you walked in on her and immediately either threw her out of your home or you walked away from her for a period of months to years? Point out that she is, or will be at some point, her own person, your and her mother's child, a sister, an aunt, a niece,a cousin, a grandchild. Each of these roles requires her to not just care for one person and what they want/expect/like/dislike about the relationship, but to balance all of those roles and what is best for herself and for each person she loves.


If talking doesn't go well, or at all, I would go and talk to a therapist (therapist) to see what underlying issues could be factors. I would invite your SO when the therapist says it would be a good time, and also invite your daughter to join when therapist says it is time. If you can afford it, offer to pay for individual therapy for her, as well as for the two of you and the three of you. If you cannot afford it, check otu the free clinics or a university with a graduate psychology program. while you see a student for therapy, it is a grad student and is carefully supervised by a licensed therapist. Many places videotape sessions so that a professor can show your therapist things that might have been missed or misunderstood. They have sliding fee scales and are often very current with the latest resources and techniques in the field.

For healing to happen here, you are going to have to really LISTEN to what she is saying, and to really HEAR what she says and means. I hope this helps and isn't too wordy to get through.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I may have a bit of a unique insight to this. After my parents divorced, my dad ended up dating a woman who used to be my mothers best friend. In fact, this was the only woman my dad dated after he divorced and they later married. Obviously I knew my future step-mom for years prior to the marriage as my mother's best friend and as you can also imagine, that friendship ended.

Yes it was a confusing time for me and I was your daughters age when all this was going on. I never actually walked in and saw them having sex but I did see them being very intimate a time or two. I simply went to my father and asked him to please try to keep things PG when I was around because while I was happy for him, I had to process everything that was going on. My dad and my step-mom were married for another almost 27 years I think and they loved each other dearly and she took very good care of him until he died so I am grateful to her for that.
 

rmccart

New Member
So update 2/12

No contact with difficult child, any reaching out by me is met by silence, one response nasty, go back and forth between anger and heart break.
 

everywoman

Well-Known Member
Three years ago, after 23 years of marriage and 3 children (1 was mine before, but ex was his "dad"), I left and chose to a divorce. There were lots of issues with my two boys surrounding the divorce---but it all boiled down to how their lives would change because of my choices. The way I always presented it to them was that my choices were just that, MINE. They knew the issues that I had dealt with in the marriage and in the end accepted my right to live my life. It took a year before the boys both accepted the changes. Then I met my current husband. We married last August. My boys did not come to the wedding. It was their choice. But...they know I love them. I know they love me. I don't like all the choices they make in their lives, but I have always been willing to accept their right to make those choices. I have also made sure that they understand that all choices have consequences and have always let them see that I am willing to accept whatever consequences without complaining. It is your life. Your daughter is an adult. She will either come around and accept your choices, or she will continue to make the choice not to not be involved in your life. Just make sure that you are willing to accept whatever consequences come from your choices.
 

rmccart

New Member
I did not think my actions,moving on in my life, would have these kind of consequences. Yes I need to be ready for reaction to my choices, i.e. if I react angrily to this situation hence I have keep my heart and my door open.
Thank you for sharing
 

HaoZi

CD Hall of Fame
If this is your first serious relationship since the divorce, she may have additional issues to process, too. Give her time and space to grow up and come around.
 

rmccart

New Member
It is my first serious, I hope I didnt loose her, you hear stories of people not speaking with their kids for years. This would brake my heart!
 
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