WHAT THE #%^&

Confused

Well-Known Member
Ok...please . Im so confused.

Im not understanding how im trying not to say much about things, esp the situation with his dad. He texts me telling me all this stuff going on.Did his dad change he asked me. I said" how does HE feel, what does HE see? "He says "apprently not". He continues to say im at fault for something his dad might say , and i did give examples of what we did and he didnt.

I said what do you want, he said in the end he wants to come home when can i pick him up.

He texts back lil later asking if he should get to know his dad like he she said and stay longer...AFTER HE is telling me all this illegal stuff, drinking, belt threats, etc! And that he wants home.

Im not understanding whats going on here. Did his dad just talk to him and told him more lies?(no i didnt say that but asking you all) what the heck. It he sees what his dad is doing than takes it rite back...

Things are bad but cant say..i got to get a lawyer somehow...
(I try keep changing subject but do clarify this was a visit only as he said)
 

Nandina

Member
Confused, it sounds like you need to have a talk with your ex. Are you all in communication? I would at least try to communicate, if that doesn’t work, either get Child Protective Services involved or possibly a lawyer.

Please try talking first! Hugs
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Confused

I am confused. I thought you had legal custody. If you have legal custody I do not understand why you would need a lawyer.
He texts me telling me all this stuff going on.
I believe your son, that this stuff is going on. Maybe your son idealized his father--in other words--had a picture of him of someone other than the real person your ex is--who in reality, is a bad man, it seems. Maybe your son is going back and forth between what his lying eyes are telling him, and what he wants to believe, which is a fantasy.
He continues to say im at fault for something his dad might say , and i did give examples of what we did and he didnt.
It sounds like son is trying so hard to hang on to his dream, his ideal picture of his Dad. I did this as a child too.

I have told you from the start that this arrangement would not last. It will not last.

I read Nandinas comment about getting in communication with your ex. I am not sure about that. If you did call him-I would stay very, very calm and neutral, just listen and let him vent. No accusations. No telling anything son has said. If you cannot do that--I mean, stay neutral and calm, I would not consider calling. And as I said, I am not sure calling is the right thing. (Except I re-thought this below.)

I do not know about Child Protective Services either--if son is retracting what he said. It could be that he was being manipulative.

I think what I would do is decide from a position of power what you want. If you want your son home absolutely and you want him home now--and you have legal custody. Then, I would call your ex- and say just that. I want him home by tomorrow. And then, if your ex does not comply, and does not give you a reasonable time, that he would bring back your son, I would call the police.

Let me summarize what I think.
Decide what you want.
If you want your son home, call your ex and tell him that directly and calmly. Do not get drawn into a discussion or argument.
Tell your ex a precise date and time.
If your ex does not agree (and you have legal custody) either call the cops or an attorney. Are there not papers that the court gave you about legal custody.

Good luck.
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
My ex said "his rules". As i told you all before he is a controlling,alcoholic, narccisst. He will put stuff in ones head, even if its lies.
My ex is treating me as if im non custodial and doing everything behind my back. I am custodial. Legally.

My son already has this anxiety or back and fourth issue.

Im not trying to take time away from his dad. Its not my fault my ex is the way he is.
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
I don't know what im going to do. All i know is if and hopefully when (again only up to 3 months) my son has to listen to me....doctors.......school...

Thank you both
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
My ex said "his rules". As i told you all before he is a controlling,alcoholic, narccisst.
If you have legal custody, they're your rules, not his. Only if you want 3 months, does this carry sway. What do you want?

When you bring your son home, even if you impose your rules as a condition, school, doctor, etc. you'll have about as much control over him as you did before he left. He will manipulate you to get away from his Dad, but that doesn't mean he'll change if he doesn't want to. I am sorry this is so hard.
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
Son said up to 3 months, dad added more. I said no.
Oh, this is what im working on...

1) I been talking to his Dr, others to get it situated. Counsler..shrinks..case workers we will ALL go to. Plus the one i found, will also come to the house if needed.

2) Hiring a tutor to come to the house...and outside the house if...

3) Hire outside help to drag him to appts if he doesnt go.

4) worse comes to worse, higher authorties will have to become involved if all else fails.

Yip, thats my plan so far...
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Kids love both parents. They just do. Disturbed kids are fickle. I would pay less attention to sons daily changes of heart than to reality.

If you go to court,Dad may get some custody as Judges like.kids to see both parents these days....you are in two states,? A court case for a change of custody, if that is ex's desire, could be in his state if he wants a custody change. Maybe you should file to get him back in your own state first.

At about 12 years old your son has a say in where he wants to primarily live. I only know because two of my siblings with teens have been taken back to court by ex's who now want custody and the kids also want a change. And my sisters have both retained lawyers.

My guess is and always has been, from all my friends who are divorced, that the best thing to do if you really want to get your son is to get a lawyer and go back to court. My sister's have had to fight exes too, and their sons are fighting THEM for dads who were not always there as well. My sister's were both sure they would prevail but the cases are becoming complicated. I am NOT trying to scare you but to possibly prepare you.

If hub gets a lawyer in his state, you are back in court THERE and custody can change. When kids are small the Judge does not listen to the kid. When the kid is about 12 or so he gets his own lawyer and everything can change. A childs desire does get taken into consideration.

You need a lawyer. And proof that Dad is an alcoholic because Judges are used to ex spouses making.masty claims about one another. They do not necessarily buy into it. Proof.

If it were me, I would let Son stay with Dad until he is positive he doesn't want to be there or he may tell a Judge something you don't expect and this matters now.

Also a Judge will likel give Dad some custody. It is considered desirable in almost every state in 2021 that Father's and Mother share custody. When your son was younger this may have not been so. This is new and all over.


If it sounds confusing, it is. Both my sister's are trying to stay calm in their battles. Both have good lawyers. Both are nervous. Both father's are fighting hard. One father is way behind in child support... I thought he'd lose for sure. The child support issue is being resolved seperately. My poor sister.mow.is supposed to see her son 50/50 and have the time her son refused to go or runs away when Dad makes him go. He is 15 now and says "I don't like Pete (newer husband). He beats me (not true). I won't behave if I have to come here. (He doesn't)."

Family Law is not cut and dry and custody can change so if you think your ex may go for custody now, with son at his house, do find a way to hire a lawyer.

You'd be amazed how common this scenario you are living through is and in almost all states Dad has as much right to their child as Mom. Laws have changed drastically. Please do what you think is right. This can get messy if Dad won't return him voluntarily. He won't go to jail. It will become a custody battle. I am really sorry. Not being a lawyer I could be wrong but want you to be 100 percent prepared for everything.

On the plus, side few parents get FULL custody anymore so you should not lose him completely no matter what.

Nyw you can check it out but never heard of any professional allowed to drag a child to an appointment he has to go to. The police let the courts decide these things. Many kids just refuse treatment and kind of hard to do much about it if they won't get into a car....

Sending love and hugs. Be proactive. I know how hard this is by talking to my sisters who are loving and we're always so involved with the boys. They were blindsided by the boys sudden interest in their pretty absent fathers.
 
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Confused

Well-Known Member
All i can say is i wouldnt mind 50/50;custody if my ex was not a violent alchoholic narrcisst... it was always HIS choice same state/diff not to visit. Plus i never held child support against him. I feel thats wrong. I STILL let him see him even more than the court and he said.

Ill take everything you said into consideration.

Meanwhile, i worry my son will be an alcholic within the year
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
All i can say is i wouldnt mind 50/50;custody if my ex was not a violent alchoholic narrcisst... it was always HIS choice same state/diff not to visit. Plus i never held child support against him. I feel thats wrong. I STILL let him see him even more than the court and he said.

Ill take everything you said into consideration.

Meanwhile, i worry my son will be an alcholic within the year, or hurt severely because of being in his car with him being drunk.

A judge would not be caring about the welfare of the child to allow this if it happened. It will happen. I see hear it unfolding now.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
What I mean is that you have been given responsibility by the court to make decisions about your child's welfare. If you want him home now, you can bring him home. The 3 months was not a legally binding arrangement. If you are legally responsible, it means to me at least, that you are responsible to bring him home, if he is in a dangerous situation. But I am not an attorney.

Nandina suggested calling an attorney. Maybe you should.

Your ex-husband has no legal rights over your son. You have all of the rights, as far as I can see. (But, again, I am not an attorney.)
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
i worry my son will be an alcholic within the year, or hurt severely because of being in his car with him being drunk.
This is what I mean. You see that your son is in danger. I believe the court would hold you responsible if you knowingly allow him to stay with your ex, knowing that he is in danger. That would be my fear.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Trust me. He could use that against you in court if you take your son. I mean, court doesn't make.much sense...it is hard to explain and custody changes often. You will get further if you sopena (sic) a medical person who diagnosed your husband as alcoholic. Or show court records. Judges do NOT just take the words of the ex. Don't even say narcissist as that is not diagnosed either. Let your LAWYER talk! He or she.knows what to say. You and your lawyer plan the strategy. Do not try to do it alone. Do not think you will be believed without a lawyer. Your ex could lie and be believed. You never know. You need a rock star on your side.

Look, again I'm not a lawyer. I have heard these custody nightmares for years and don't want you unprepared, like my sister's were. You will likely get a brand new judge and not the one who gave you custody when your son was just little. The Judges do not all think a like nor do what the other Judge did. Or even believe you, sadly.

Get a lawyer. Please. Get a good one. They are our best voices in a courtroom.

I care and want the best outcome for your son. And hope it ends easily. But if you think ex will fight, be ready. Don't give him the edge.

Hugs.
 
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Confused

Well-Known Member
I know not to say narccist and i know it wont be the same judge. Only his arrest records that may not even appear will show hes an alcoholic. I know he will threaten my son to lie that hes fine. His current girl will back him because she is back and fourth on him. He always gets away with everything, a slap on the wrist.

He changed my sons school keeping him, lying he has custody but hey, no one will see anything wrong with this even though thats parental kidnapping. But theres more. But hey, our courts have no concern for the truth. No concern for what evidence is there,even if little, they wait until something happens to the child/adult and go " oh". Criminals have more rights. My ex does lie in court and he wins....he rarely gets caught.

So i just throw my hands up and watch all this.... my poor son....his life without mental health help... having drinking pushed on him...
I fear a call but i know, cant say that to a judge. Just have to wait and be danged either way. My ex will fight. He all of a sudden wants him...so he all of a sudden love him?

Minimum wage job, pro bono wont help me. Im stuck.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Don't write the end of his story. Just get a lawyer. A lawyer is your voice. That IS something you can do. And pray If God is in your life
None of us can control other people or outside events that happen. Like COVID. Like our exes. Like our kids. We can't. Nor do we know how anything ends.

You may like to join Al Anon. It saved me. Saved my sanity when I was ready to give up on everything.
 
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Nandina

Member
Confused, please take some of the good advice you are being offered here. You could at least speak to a lawyer who specializes in custodial cases. Often a lawyer will hear your problem, quote you their cost, and let you know if they can help you before you are charged for anything. Are you able to retain a lawyer if one becomes necessary?

The fact that you have legal custody and your husband refuses to return your son means he is breaking the law, period. I can’t think of any judge who would approve of that behavior. But your agreement was for 3 months, right? He needs to be returned at the end of the three months and if not, you take legal action. And you don’t know if that 3 month agreement is even legally binding. So, find out.

Of course, if your son is unsafe in the meantime, you can’t wait and again, get an attorney on your side. Obviously, you need to determine whether or not your son is telling the truth.

The custody arrangement, if it comes to a change is a separate issue, in my opinion. But by then, assuming you have hired an attorney, you will have support and presumably, good advice.

Please don’t keep writing the ending before you’ve even attempted to get some legal advice. I think once you speak to a professional about this you will feel better. Will you be able to do that? If you can’t afford a lawyer, see if there is a legal aid organization in your city. They provide free or reduced cost services.

Let us know what you decide to do. But it ain’t over yet! ❤️
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
In my County at the Superior Courthouse, there are free attorneys there every morning for just this kind of thing.

If you agreed to 3 months, that was if your son was safe, if there was no illegal and dangerous behavior going on. There seems to be.

All bets are off. You have legal paperwork from the custody decision. Only your word is enough to get your son back. If your ex does not listen you can call the cops. There should be people in the district attorney's office who can help you.

If you do nothing, your ex wins. But he is in a losing position. You have all of the power.

You can go to your son's new school and pull him out. Bring your legal paperwork. The school should have asked your ex for it. If you need the paperwork, and can't find a copy, call the courthouse and ask how to get a copy, or go there and ask to speak with somebody.
 

Confused

Well-Known Member
Son text, asked if he can stay until hes 18! His dad read all his messages i bet and convinced him.

My son says his dad drinks and drives, will let him get in car with others , he can drink...dad changed schools but yetbson sees nothing wrong with that. Theres a lil more.

But yet, son sees nothing wrong with the situation after saying he did on his own.

Now, my ex convinced my son, son will tell judge, judge lets son there.

Told you all....
 
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