When is enough, enough?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lost in sadness, Jun 18, 2019.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    It's been a few months...again....sometimes things move so fast I do not have the time or energy to even write about it but I am really reaching out again.

    So..I took all of your advice and we threw my son out that very weekend. It felt sad but also a relief. Of course we paid the deposit and a month up fronts rent and he blamed us for making him homeless when he didn't have a job. He did nothing for a bit and then his ex girlfriend had their baby. A month early. I cannot tell you what that first picture did to me. I didn't know how to feel. My drop out son of 20 and his drop out ex girlfriend had bought a beautiful, precious baby into this world. I drank too much and behaved like an idiot is the truth. I could not contain the mixture of feelings. Anyway, he is now 15 weeks old and I adore him!!

    My son has had a 'few' jobs since being in this place. I helped out with a bit of food a couple of times but he lives with his current girlfriend and she is a total mug so probably pays for most things. I suspect he just lost his most recent job which is the issue that has bought me here.

    My son and I have a very love/hate relationship but we try to work on it when we can. Right now, I feel nothing ...other than the occasional guilt that I should. If I go in my head I feel love for him and I feel sorry for him that he believes he has no one. Then I think about his actions. I get mixed up who is right and who is wrong. Sometimes I see his point. But then I don't.

    So.....my beautiful beautiful daughter has been having some problems. Depressed, anxious etc. Most recently she told me she had been hearing voices. We were already waiting for appointments with mental health services. I allowed her some time off school and she has just started seeing a private counsellor. I get a call only 10mins after I dropped her with the counsellor. He wants me to go back. I go back to be told that my daughter had taken drugs on the Saturday night and had had a psychotic episode (hence the voices). I am utterly heartbroken that she would do this and go down this path in light of everything. Long story short, she told me she had tried it three times and the other two occasions it helped her feel better. She also admitted to smoking cigarettes. Everyone that has previously read my story will understand how awful this will be after everything we have been through. I kept calm.
    My husband and I made it clear that drugs were not acceptable and we would support her mental health but not that and she would be treated the same as my son and asked to leave. I felt sick!

    Recently this week I had my grandson. The ex and I have a very on/off relationship and I tolerate her so I can see this baby. Anyway, she texted me, going mad saying my son was not to have his child on his own anymore and had i seen what he had posted. She then forwarded me a disgusting video of my son having a sex act performed on him. I cannot tell you how disgusting it was and to see that of your son. I tried to keep calm and told her it was his business at which point she went mental calling me stupid etc and demanded I took her baby back. My husband did. I was devastated. When I spoke to my son, he lied and said it was ages ago but i recognised his flooring of his new place, he also sounded intoxicated and I realised he was not at work. 10mins later, my daughter texts from school and asks if I am ok as my son had told her how upset I was. I was cross that my son had put this on her in light of where she was mentally so I asked him not to and he turned on me saying "your perfect daughter is not so perfect, maybe you should ask her about sending me money to get her weed". That moment when your heart is in your mouth along with bile.....
    I picked my daughter up after school and tried to hold it together before going mental!
    My son sent me the screen shot of their convo. saying "imagine having two f••k ups".

    On Fathers Day he messaged me saying "it would have been nice to have received a text from you wishing me a happy first fathers day, but then I would be naive to think you cared". I wrote back "it would be nice to have a son that didn't sell drugs to my daughter (his own sister) or help obtain them".
    His reply was to tell me that he knew about her episode and he offered to get her stuff so she was safe.

    Ok, someone please please help me out here....I was angry at them both...her, because she blames her mental health on all she has been exposed to by him and she knows the path he took, and him because he should have told her 'no' and advised her differently using his experiences to tell her it was the wrong path. I can't help but feel he would love her to mess up but yet I am torn as he loves her. I am so confused by all this.

    In short....I feel trapped with adoring my grandson but hating the life he is exposed to and wanting to save him. Loving my son, but hating what he has done to us and hating that all I feel is sick and anger when I think of him and that video and the drugs, and wanting to save my daughter from the same path without suffocating her...its all a total mess!!! ARGHHHHHH

    I am so sorry this is so long, so many stories in between all this.
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I should have called the police on our daughter. I never did. She never learned.

    I think you should call the police on your son for selling drugs to a minor. He is truly in need of a very harsh lesson.

    Hopefully the girl on his FB is clearly not a minor or he can be hit for that too.Anyone who knows her and that she is not 18 can direct the cops to his page. Where I live that is rape.

    Hopefully she is 18. . Be cautious and keep away from him, something I wish we had done with our daughter. Now we do but it was HER choice. We are stupid. Dont make our mistakes please. If your son knew how to love the right way, he would not want his life for his sister. He doesnt love her except in maybe a twisted way. Dont encourage him to be near her. He is trouble, nothing but trouble to all who know him. Like my daughter. I know it hurts.
     
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    Last edited: Jun 18, 2019
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Lost,

    You have had quite a bit to process.

    I encourage you to look at this differently. You did not "throw him out" you liberated him so that he can live his own life. When you view this as throwing him out it has a negative connotation. What you did was to tell your son that he needs to start behaving like an adult. You were kind enough to pay his rent for a month. His claim of you making him homeless is not true. He, by his choices have made his life what it is.

    First and foremost, your son and daughter have no one to blame but themselves. They are both making conscious choices to do what they are doing.
    As for your daughter, since she still lives at home and is a minor, I would encourage you to get into some family counseling with her.

    As for your grandson, I know how much you love him. It can be so hard when there is an innocent child involved. If you ever feel he is in danger or being neglected you may have to consider calling child protective services.
    I totally understand how you feel, the love/hate for your son. I too love my son but hate the life he chooses to live. My ex daughter in law shared with me how my son was always looking at porn online and trying to hook up with strangers. Very sick and disturbing. I do not dwell on that as it serves no good for me.

    It is only through acceptance that we can set ourselves free from the chaos our difficult adult children bring. We have no control over our adult children but we do have control over how we respond.

    ((HUGS)) for your hurting heart.
     
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  4. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    I understand that when the pain gets intense, when I feel hopeless, is not the time I want to write about it. That's what's nice about this forum. I am taking away a few one liners from your thread to help me. They are wise because they come from people who walk the same walk in one degree or another.

    Loving my son, but hating what he has done to us and hating that all I feel is sick and anger when I think of him.

    You did not "throw him out" you liberated him so that he can live his own life.

    I too love my son but hate the life he chooses to live.