When WE backslide

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by BusynMember, Jan 16, 2020.

  1. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Lately, since Amy is consulting with a family lawyer about Jaden, I find myself feeling guilty about Kay again. Part of this is that she hasn't contacted me for so long that my life is peaceful and I am back to thinking about if she is really that bad or if I caused it. It's becoming more a blurred memory so I question me.

    I know we are doing what is right for Jaden, but I am starting to go back in time and to wonder what part I had in how Kay turned out.

    I know others go back and forth. I guess I am asking for a kick in the pants from somebody or a reality check. I am beating myself up because Kay won't speak to me. I am even wondering if she is really a drug addict because she mostly just smokes pot, but Kraton is now in the picture too. Both are legal and not hard drugs so I am getting confused. Even Al Anon did not help me tonight.

    I have not spoken to my husband about this. He does not seem to have lapses like me. I don't want to worry him about me.

    I hope I feel better in the morning. Tonight I am hit hard with the very real possibility that we may never see Kay again. Once she finds out Amy is going for custody of Jaden, I expect her to disown us all. She is like that. Not attached to us at all unless we are handing her things. No use for us unless we offer a perk.

    I hope you all have peace tonight. It eludes me. I am wide awake.
  2. MissLulu

    MissLulu Member

  3. MissLulu

    MissLulu Member

    Busy, it is late here and a coherent reply eludes me. I will read again in the morning and reply then. I did just want to send you strength. You have often given me comfort in dark times and I want you to know that I think you are a strong and sensible woman who always makes good decisions. More tomorrow x
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  4. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member


    Maybe I'm wrong, but I think nearly all of us in difficult situations such as ours have doubts. So much of what's going on with our difficult children is not rational, so questioning ourselves is not uncommon. Years ago I remember telling my therapist that maybe I should have been more strict with my DS. She said "that's possible, but that might have also made things worse. You'll never know."

    The 'what ifs' and 'if only' are just that. None of us are perfect, and the best we can do is to learn and grow and make amends if we do see our mistakes. Even then, I have had to be careful because making amends to unhealthy people sometimes can hurt us. In those cases I just try to be a better person going forward.

    My difficult daughter has not spoken to me for over two years. I have tremendous grief (because that means I also don't see my grandchildren), but I also know it is better for me not to be the target of her verbal abuse. My difficult son threatens no contact, and I recently blocked his number. He blames me for his getting in trouble for marijuana years ago. What he doesn't acknowledge is that his real problems were his defiance, entitlement, disregard for rules, etc. I don't want anyone in my life who is not kind to me. Sometimes I don't honor myself, but more and more I do.

    You're human, do something nice for yourself today.
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  5. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Thank you very very much.
  6. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    I tend to think the same things. My daughter is not verbally abusive towards me, so I think well, it's not that bad, but it is, because of these kids. The drinking and getting high, it is bad. They don't have a voice in this and I need to be that voice for them. Didn't take her long to lapse back to her drinking after her new years resolution. She went on a violent drunken rampage at her on again off again boyfriends house. Kids need stability and consistency.

    But all that aside, I still want to give her the benefit of the doubt. My husband is more rigid than I am. I am always hoping she will prove all of us wrong. My husband says he hopes so too, but doesn't think she will. I sometimes think did I do something wrong in rising her? I was a single mom for about 6 years, never received a dime in child support, and I made it work and did what I had to do. I met a wonderful man, then had two more kids. Was there something I could have done better??

    I think we all want to take some sort of responsibility, but at the end of the day the decisions are theirs.
  7. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Busy, I think these lapses are normal, because these are our children we are talking about. And as such, we will always operate on a heart level when it comes to them. Which is why we got ourselves into enabling to begin with.

    I think introspection is good. I think taking a fearless moral inventory of ourselves is good. I know I have made mistakes with my children. I have made amends.

    I think what you don't want to lose sight of is where you are now with Kay. How you gave and gave and gave some more , and were treated with disrespect and contempt in return. There is a reason why you are where you are in your relationship with your daughter .Don't let fear, obligation, and guilt trick you.

    As your hurt, pain, and grief start to ebb away , you can send Kay love every time you think of her. You can pray for her . It doesn't matter so much whether she is an addict or not. She is a human being and she is your daughter and you love her. And we must love ourselves first. Her behavior over the past years have made it impossible for you to have a normal relationship with her. You had to stop giving in order to protect yourself and your family.

    Kay will no doubt be terribly upset about Amy getting custody of Jaden since she has no idea it is coming. And I can see how you worry that you may never see Kay again after that. It's a very difficult situation with many layers of feelings and maybe you just need to sort through all of that for yourself.

    You always did the best you could do with the tools you had at that time. We learn and grow. Focus inward where all of your answers and all of love and peace lie.

    Much love to you!
  8. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I am so sorry for your heartache. I have walked in your shoes. I have asked myself all the questions you are asking. One day I made a huge list of things to why I was not having a relationship with my daughter. I wrote it out in large letters. This list has things like 1. She steals from me anytime she gets a chance. 2. She lies ALL the time about everything. 3 She treats me with disrespect etc etc. Then I asked myself, would I put up with all that from another person? And the answer is not no but [email protected] no. I still had agony and grief but putting that list where I could see it helped me take the edge off my grief and ask myself, Do I want this abuse or is quiet time that I need? The answer was the quiet time was most healing for both of us. Sending you compassion and love as you go through this very trying time.
  9. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Thank you both.

    I believe this was triggered because Amy is going for custody, which we support. We know that this will probably be the last straw for Kay and for us. And this is with the uncertainty that Amy can even get custody if Lee and Kay make promises to CPS and the courts. They are in another state now, far away. How that complicates things we are not sure. Will they come back to fight?

    We could lose them both.

    But I have talked to my pastor, whom I love, and go to church before work each day and this soothes me. I know this is out of my hands. However it has brought back all my old sadness, regrets and fears and added some. It is something I have to walk through as there is no way to hide.

    We have upped our security system at home. Work already has a great system but we are considering the expense of a few security guards. We do not know if Lee and Kay will sneak back and try to harm us if they think we not only want THEIR son but may poison him with vaccinations. Believe it or not, Kay told Amy that if she vaccinated Jaden then "all bets are off" when she offered Amy "temporary" custody. That is Kay's biggest fear as twisted as I feel that is.

    Jaden has not been vaccinated yet but even if Kay suspects he has been, we are prepared for "all bets are off."

    We are not sure what both Lee and Kay meant by that, and Amy just wanted to pacify them so she did not ask, but all of us believe that those two can get violent if they think they have been crossed. We have reason to believe this. They have gone after people before, just not us.

    So we are all on edge and I am missing the Kay that I knew before I had to worry that she may hurt us. And it is all coming back at me in one big FOG. How did we get here?

    Anyway thanks for the wise words. Blessings and love to all.
  10. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    My therapist once told me . You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. You need to forgive yourself and move on. That always brought comfort to me. All of us made mistakes we are human but i believe there is something about our dcs that causes them to react differently. I am not sure that we will ever understand why. We have other children that did not respond the same way. None of us maliciously set out to cause the problems our dcs . please accept and forgive yourself but also know that there are many factors that contributed to the way things are and we can not control them. Please take care of yourselves if she comes after you don't hesitate to call police.
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  11. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Busy, Wise hit the nail on the head.

    Just because somebody is strong enough to handle pain doesn't mean they deserve it.

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  12. louise2350

    louise2350 Member

    Busy: I, too, go through stages that you have described, questioning what you could have done differently, etc. All of us feel that way at times. You and your other daughter are trying to save your grandson. I hope things turn out good and you will receive some peace soon.
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  13. ooo

    ooo Member

    Hi Busy, I hope you are feeling better today. It's just sad that many of us are dealing with these emotions. Like a yoyo, we go up and down.
    In my case, I have no clue why or when it will happen. Neither do I know how to get through the funk. It just seems to have to run its course.
    I do know coming here has help tremendously. You have helped me tremendously!
    You have spoke positive and comforting words to me so why then can you not speak to yourself in the same way and make yourself feel better?
    I am sending you many hugs and a comforting word that you are a wonderful person and are not at fault for choices others make....
    Please do something nice for yourself and feel better soon.

    Peace and Love
  14. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Busy I’m sorry for your struggles. We all have experienced what you’re going through.

    I recall shortly after my divorce my ex was sober for a very short time. I thought for just a minute “did I think this situation worst than it really was?” Boy oh boy when the drinking began again in very short time and all the regular insane behaviors were evident once again, I quickly came to my senses.

    We can’t help but grieve what we wished we had. Weather it’s a good marriage or good children. I think it’s ok to visit these thoughts but important to not park in our pain. Our emotions sometimes cause us temporary delusions.
    You are very level headed and your faith will give you strength as is very apparent in your posts.

    Sending hugs
  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Busy,
    I don’t know if I would call what you are feeling as backsliding. We are ordinary people in extraordinarily bizarre circumstances with our waywards. It is a healthy thing to recognize the need for a break in routine, to honor our feelings and the processing we go through. I think it is the hardest thing to experience, grieving the lifestyle and choices of our beloveds. Death has a finality, this, what we are dealing with our adult children, this is ongoing. It is grieving of a different sort as we go through the next challenge presented, the what if’s, the what may be’s. Especially with grands in the mix, now we are talking generational consequences.
    That’s tough stuff.
    There are times when I just have to curl up and have a darn good cry, the tears are cleansing and help to release the tension of living..... with this.
    You are reflecting on what could possibly happen with the chain of events before you. That is being prepared, just in case. Overthinking on that is not good, we just can’t write the end of the story. But I can see where thinking about what you are dealing with can be difficult.
    Looking back and wondering what you could have done differently? I don’t know how many times I have been there. Lots. I still go there sometimes. I made mistakes. Can’t change the past. So I forgive myself. Again.
    It is interesting to note that our daughters have children and are making mistakes of their own.
    Mine is quick to point out my transgressions, but conveniently gets belligerent and defiant if called on her own.
    I envision this journey I am on with my two and my grands as a long hike up a mountain. Some days I can trudge up the steep parts, other days, I need to take an easier trail, some days I have to rest on the side of the path and catch my breath. Look back at where I have come from.
    That’s where I feel you are at, not backsliding, just catching your breath after a series of rough terrains and unpredictable future outcomes. That’s a tough hike for anyone, Busy.
    Try not to write the end of the story. I think that’s where our minds trip us up. Give yourself a break. We are only human and are dealing with some heart wrenching realities.
    Sending hugs, love and support.
  16. MissLulu

    MissLulu Member

    I'm back again. there's not much I can add to the comments of others, but I just wanted to check in and say I hope you are feeling a little better now.

    We all have good days and bad days: days where we are convinced right is on our side, where we face what we have to without doubt, but also days where we wonder what else we might have done or what else we could do now. I think it's very normal. Well, normal for those of us walking this steep and rocky path.

    What you are facing is hard, there's no doubt about that, and it's okay to pause and take stock of your feelings. That's not backsliding in my book.

    I hope you wake to a better day tomorrow.
  17. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.

    I think the worry about my grandson is bringing it all back. In no way can we be assured that there will be a custody transfer.
  18. JMom

    JMom Active Member


    I too, struggled with MY part in my son's addiction. I wrote down all the things that I did wrong or wondered if it made a difference. Then I had to ask myself, Where is the evidence? Are these feelings or actions? I think we feel more guilt and take responsibility for other's actions because that would mean we have control to change it, stop it, etc...

    I do feel I had some part an asked my son about it. He said he didn't want to blame me but that it was hard for him, growing up in high crime neighborhoods. I was a single mom and lost a good paying job due to a seizure disorder. I did the best that I could do. He did say that it is the addict's choice to do drugs, steal, manipulate people and that he would've done that regardless of my part in it. He admittedly said, stop trying to make it your fault, I just liked the feeling of being high. He said the enabling made it easier for him but that he was shocked and proud when I told him I couldn't do it anymore.

    I think we all take stock in our part because we are responsible, empathetic and desire to be accountable. I think it is OK to work through it and then forgive yourself so you can move on. I also think the most important thing to remember is that YOU didn't choose this path, she did. She chose not to speak to you, she chose to move away from her child, she chose to use the child as a bargaining chip. She has all of you in a cruel limbo, held hostage to your fears. I think fear has it's place, but can make us hyper-vigilant, which is exhausting.

    I challenge you to live in the present as much as possible. The past and future are only have power in our minds. The past has helped us write our story, but I agree with others, the future cannot be determined by our thinking.

    Close your eyes, feel your breath coming in and out, put your feet on the ground and feel from your little toes all the way up to your head. Feel the sensation of LIFE. Know that as you move through the present moment, I am praying for you from the top of your head, down to your tippy toes. I pray that you are covered by the grace of God with his loving peace.

    Forgive me if I overstep but I share this scripture-Matthew 18:19 Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. I know there are more than two of us praying in agreement for your peace and a happy ending with the custody.

    My personal fave-Matthew 11:28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am [f]gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

    I didn't intend to share scripture, it just came to me. We are here with you. You're doing great, keep your head up princess.
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  19. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Thank you.

    I love Scripture.
  20. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I hope you are feeling better today, Busy.

    This is such hard stuff. I think the bottom line is that whether Kay is in active addiction or not, she is in no position emotionally or financially to nurture a child. Jaden must depend on the rest of the family to make sure his needs are met.

    I too don't really see the back-and-forth emotional swings as backsliding. These are our kids, and we can't "turn off" our feelings like we turn off the stove. For me at least, it's more like my feelings are on the back burner on a slow simmer, and most days I can live with that. It doesn't take much to get them started again though...a movie that shows a mother and son sharing a tender moment, a birthday, a memory sparked as I drive by a certain spot...and soon I am in full-blown FOG, plus a little grief thrown in...wondering what I could have done differently, whether I will ever see Son again...whether I even *WANT* to because I remember what happens when I do -- everything on the front burner at a furious boil and me trying to prevent the fire.

    I wish things were different between us, but sadly they are not, at least not now.

    Maybe you are going through something similar as Amy investigates custody issues. That's bound to rekindle a lot of feelings. As Kay's mother, you have much empathy for her position and feel what you expect Kay would feel in this situation...but perhaps Kay doesn't feel those things at all, or sees and feels them very differently?