When will he be a responsible adult???

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by okie girl, Feb 10, 2020.

  1. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Here i am again. I had my son blocked but i felt bad and unblocked him. He called today needing help. He said he has no money or food and his tire on his truck needed replaced. He has a business doing yard maintenance and trimming trees. He will not lessen to me because i told him he needs to get a job so he will have insurance and money coming in and do the lawn care on weekends. I told him i didn't have money to give him. He got mad saying i didn't even buy him a Christmas or Birthday gift. I told him i had bought him gifts but gave them to his son because i saw he was arrested for drugs. Of course he's not guilty but it was on the front page of the newspaper. He goes to court on March 20th. He is 48 years old. Will this ever end????
     
  2. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Oakie, what will change if you give in to your DCs manipulation? For me, it was nothing. The changes are happening now, for me. I believe it is because of the support I have gotten here. I am firm, I am applying the boundaries, and I only deal with reason. What would a reasonable person do? I have gotten out of my daughters way. She still tries to break the boundaries, but unlike the past, it no longer works. I hope you can pull from the strength here to keep saying no. Your Difficult Child son is a grown man. It's ok to expect him to act like one. When will he grow up? When he starts accepting responsibility for what he does instead of blaming others.

    My heart goes out to you. I wish you grit and determination because I learned the only one I can change is me.
     
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  3. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi Okie,

    My Difficult Child turns 39 in April. Nothing was/is his fault. When husband and I finally stopped enabling, he eventually quit asking (after a whole lot of meanness). He has continued to use and steal from other people. We have no evidence he has changed, but we have not given up hope that it will happen some day.

    In the meantime, we are not being used. That has helped us - emotionally, financially, you name it.

    You and I may not know what will work. We both know what does not work.

    SS
     
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  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear okie girl:
    There is no point for me to write more because Blindsided and Seeking have said it all.
    This is when it will end. When we put into place whatever is necessary in ourselves and our lives to insulate ourselves from the chaos, irresponsibility and mean-spiritedness of our children. And when we accept that whatever the pain, there is a right and wrong thing to do. And in the case of our able-bodied and able-minded middle-aged or near middle-aged adult children, the right thing to do is to let them solve their own problems and live their own life lessons. We have to cut the umbilical cord.

    I have tried every single thing, many times over. My trying does not one thing to help or to change the situation. The smartest thing I have ever done is to cut off paying for anything. No food. No help. No nothing. The last tie is his cell phone which is on my plan. Within days, I will remove it. He won't even be bothered to answer if I call. Why would I pay?

    They will figure it out. This is what will help them learn and to have the motivation to change, if they choose.

    It has taken me years and years to arrive at this point. I can't say I don't worry or that it doesn't hurt. I worry. It hurts. And I am heartsick, at times. But I know this is the right thing. Finally.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 10, 2020
  5. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I agree with SS, Copa and Blindsided. Of course it is reasonable and necessary to get a job in the winter months, when landscaping jobs are few and far between. That is what an adult should do, not ask his mother to pay his bills, then play guilt cards about birthday and Christmas presents (?!?!) when you won’t solve the problems he created.

    My son used to play the guilt cards. When we stopped giving him money and other support, he got mean, then moved on to targeting others, I’m sad to say. I wish I could change that, but that is unfortunately the way he chooses to relate to others. But at least he doesn’t do it to us anymore.

    Your son might or might not change. I hope for his sake he does. For YOUR sake, I hope you stand strong and continue to tell him no more.
     
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  6. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

     
  7. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank ya'll for taking the time to respond. Ya'll have given me good advice and i appreciate it so much. I'm just so tired. Thank you again