Copabanana
Well-Known Member
As you guys know for the past 2 years I have isolated. To the point of being bed-ridden.
My preferred place is in my room, in my bed. I even take my food to my room and eat. I leave my room only to cook, bathe and to wash clothes. I leave the house only to shop or to go to a necessary medical appointment.
I have been intermittently sad. I am not sad all the time. But I still want to isolate.
For a long time my sadness was defined by my mother's death. I grieved horribly. My only pursuits were geared to escape from the pain. I believe that while I still grieve my mother's death, and the course of our relationship and choices I made, my feelings about my son and a certain default mode towards self-sacrifice, now motivates me.
I think I have guilt about how good my life has been, how much I have overcome, my mobility and my perseverance. I think I somehow feel responsible for everything bad that happened to people who I love and the way relationships worked out.
I turned my back on my family in order to live a fuller life. While I was frequently alone and lonely, I persevered and was able, I believe, to live meaningfully.
There are many, many things I still want to do. I do not let myself. I believe that this is willful. But it feels beyond my reach to control. I believe I am choosing to isolate and to make my life very, very impoverished. I believe it is almost self-destructive.
I believe I deserve to destroy myself or parts of myself. I believe that as of now that impulse is stronger than my motivation to live fully. As long as I continue to do this, and permit myself to negate myself and my life, I will not leave my room.
I do not know how to rise above this cycle.
It is for this reason that I begin this thread.
I have not fully detached from my child. Nor from my Mother or sister or my Father. I cannot say even that I want to detach. But I need to.
COPA
My preferred place is in my room, in my bed. I even take my food to my room and eat. I leave my room only to cook, bathe and to wash clothes. I leave the house only to shop or to go to a necessary medical appointment.
I have been intermittently sad. I am not sad all the time. But I still want to isolate.
For a long time my sadness was defined by my mother's death. I grieved horribly. My only pursuits were geared to escape from the pain. I believe that while I still grieve my mother's death, and the course of our relationship and choices I made, my feelings about my son and a certain default mode towards self-sacrifice, now motivates me.
I think I have guilt about how good my life has been, how much I have overcome, my mobility and my perseverance. I think I somehow feel responsible for everything bad that happened to people who I love and the way relationships worked out.
I turned my back on my family in order to live a fuller life. While I was frequently alone and lonely, I persevered and was able, I believe, to live meaningfully.
There are many, many things I still want to do. I do not let myself. I believe that this is willful. But it feels beyond my reach to control. I believe I am choosing to isolate and to make my life very, very impoverished. I believe it is almost self-destructive.
I believe I deserve to destroy myself or parts of myself. I believe that as of now that impulse is stronger than my motivation to live fully. As long as I continue to do this, and permit myself to negate myself and my life, I will not leave my room.
I do not know how to rise above this cycle.
It is for this reason that I begin this thread.
I have not fully detached from my child. Nor from my Mother or sister or my Father. I cannot say even that I want to detach. But I need to.
COPA
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