Why can’t I be honest?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Helpless29, Mar 30, 2020.

  1. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    My son is still in Juvenile detention with everything going on with coronovirus, courts closed etc..He has called me several times, I haven’t discussed with him the possibility of the group home. I didn’t tell him about me or his father not accepting him back in our homes. He makes it very clear he does not want to go with his father & asks me if he can stay with me for awhile when he gets out , I never give him direct answers & I know that he will probably be sent to a Group home till he’s 18 which is roughly 8 months till his birthday ,but I don’t tell him any of this . I feel like I’m hiding all these secrets about his future but I don’t want to tell him cuz it will only upset him & may cause him to have bad behavior in there with his anger .Or that he may not speak to me again. I wish I could just come out & be honest about everything I know but I can’t. Any advice on what I should do??
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, I agree you can't have him in the home with you or his dad. Especially now. He wouldn't stay at home without the virus snd quarantine, he probably wouldn't stay home with either of you. Thus, endangering both your families.

    I wonder if the authorities have told him that they are checking with you and his dad? Maybe you can talk to his officer and see how they will handle this? Or maybe write a letter to him? There just is not a good way to handle this. Once he is 18 and released, what will they have to offer him? Any transitional housing, help for jobs, etc?

    Can they keep him incarcerated longer if he doesn't do well at group home?

  3. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    I'm sorry for all your heartache. When I read your post what resonates with me is what they teach us in Al anon.

    You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can'5 cure it (the 3 C's). We learn that we can apply a lot of what we learn there to other areas of our lives. Your post screams this to me.

    I know all too well how you feel. You want to prevent any further crisis, you want to rescue your son from the consequences of his actions. I get it 100%, like I said because I'm a work in progress with this too.

    Try to know that you cannot prevent your son from any anger he may feel because of what will happen when he gets out and how he will react. Truth-be-told if he is an angry person (like my sons), a multitude of other "injustices" done to him could trigger bad behavior at any given time. You can't shield him from his own bad behaviors and the results of the consequences he must endure for these lifetime choices he's made. Trust me, that is just too exhausting. Take off your "red superwoman cape" and hang it in the closet!

    It's when "we" think we have all the answers and can buffer all of life's curve-balls that gets us in a pinned in a corner. YOU are not responsible to soften all the blows.

    Be gentle and compassionate in your own thoughts for yourself. We beat ourselves up mentally a lot.
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  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Helpless. I'm sorry you're going through this, and that it keeps going on and on.

    This is how I see it: Nobody knows what's going on now, from day to day or even hour to hour. We can't know for sure what any one outcome will be, even if we think we should be able to control it. With respect to your son and his situation you have no control. You can't take him in. That's been clear from the get go. But the thing is, nobody knows anything for sure anymore. Therefore, I don't see any reason to come down hard on your son about any reality in the future that may or may not exist. That's the kind of times we're living in.

    Your son needs to begin the process of owning his minute to minute behavior and its consequences. There are no solutions for him anymore "out there." By his behavior he has pretty much eliminated those, at least with family. I agree with you. I don't see any good reason for you to tell him any hard truths. These are not yours to tell. They are his to come to. And like you I would be concerned about how he would handle them under the current circumstances.

    I think you're in the same boat as many of the rest of us. Which is, we really don't have even the illusion of control and options in our worlds except for the immediate choices we make in our psyches and homes, about each minute and hour that unfolds. There is no more than that for most of us, right now.
  5. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Hi Helpless,
    You are not really helpless, you know? It just feels that way because you are so scared. You are also resourceful and brave and strong - you made your way here and reached out for help.

    I think it is natural to be afraid of honesty. Especially for those of us who grew up in alcoholic or dysfunctional homes (and I don't know whether you did or did not), we learnt to not feel and speak since when we did, we were emotionally abandoned. I also think that because you love your son despite everything, you don't want to hurt him. Being in the situation he is in, he will hurt hearing that he cannot come home to either of his parents. Hurting, unfortunately, is the pathway to growth, so for him to feel the natural consequences of his past actions is the only way he can learn and grow. Most lessons in life are painful and we cannot and should not guard others from this growth.

    In order for you to not abandon yourself emotionally, it is important to practice the spiritual principle of honesty. We can be honest without being brutal. Al-Anon says "say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it meanly". We have to learn , to show ourselves that we are safe. That our inner adult will keep our inner child safe now. I feel you may be afraid of your son getting angry with you, abandoning you, not loving you. And that is coming from the place of the hurt child within. The parent inside of you knows he needs this lesson. Coming from your parent perspective, you have the power and the strength to say 'No, my darling, I truly wish things were different, but at this point in time, I cannot allow you to come home." You don't have to explain. You don't have to rub his past behavior in his face. He knows. He will get the lesson when you use the least possible amount of words. Only speak your boundary. Bless him, change yourself.

    This will be difficult because it feels like we are falling , like the Earth will swallow us whole. Show yourself that those feelings are not facts. Show yourself that you, too will grow when you don't hesitate in the face of unreal fears and that you stand in the full power of your life.

    Your son can turn his life around. It is never too late. Be the leader he needs and that resides firmly inside of you.