Why does she like being homeless

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Dakota, Jul 11, 2019.

  1. Dakota

    Dakota New Member

    I don’t understand her mind. She has a bed here but rarely sleeps In it. Her boyfriend was homeless since feb 2018 and just recently started a job(full time). My daughter works part time there and drives him to/from work. He/she sleep in her car. She’s 19yr. After working until 9, they fart around in town until close to 2am, then either crash at a friends, in her car, or he sleeps in her car (we won’t let him in the house) and she crawls into bed.

    My hubby and I leave for work before she wakes up. So we don’t see her. She will text me but, honestly I’m getting tired of not having face to face time.

    I don't know. I don’t understand her. Why not come home and spend a couple hours with mom and dad? Am I asking too much?

    She’s 19. I’ve asked her to be home by 10p...but she says that’s too early. When I slow the door to be open until 12 or 2a I just don’t sleep well. Honestly I wish it was legal to kill her. I love her but, seriously. She used to be a homebody, an A student and I don’t know if she knows what her goals are right now.

    Sorta venting here. But, honestly I don’t understand her at all and I don’t know weather to kick her out or help sign the student loans to pay for her sophomore year of college.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Personally, I would not do this under the circumstances.

    I think being homeless gives a certain freedom of movement and freedom from rules.

    I am having a hard time figuring out what to say here. (That is rare.) Because it seems like you and your daughter are in kind of a liminal state which means between one thing and another thing but not really in anything.

    She is certainly not living at home, to my way of thinking. She is using your home occasionally as a crash pad.

    It sounds like they do not have the money to get their own apartment, but consider themselves to be emancipated. So what she is trying to do is live an emancipated life, while depending upon you to provide part-time housing.

    To me this would not work. I would want to talk to her and to find out her intentions. Have it all be out there. And find out what are her plans.

    I would tell her how you feel. That you are uncomfortable with the current arrangement, her sleeping at home occasionally with the boy outside in the car, and them living as they do, which is really nowhere.

    It sounds like with the boy having fulltime work now there may soon be enough money for them to get a room or apartment of their own. If she were to tell you that their plan is to get a place within the next 30 days, would that be enough for you to put up with this arrangement until then?

    If you do allow this to continue I would give her a date by which it has to change. Either she moves back home full-time (with the boy somewhere else) or she needs to make another arrangement.

    I would feel like you do. I would feel extremely uncomfortable with this and I would not want it to be happening. I think you are being put in a very difficult situation. By letting her crash when she wants, however she wants, *with the boy outside, you are being put in a situation to as if condone circumstances, but with no real say, without a voice. Because if you allow it with your full knowledge, this is to give consent. (When you don't.) As a parent I would have a very hard time with this.

    I will say what I think: I think it's disrespectful, really. But I am old school.

    I am glad you posted. Other people will be around soon and may have a whole different take on your situation.

    Take care.
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    Last edited: Jul 11, 2019
  3. Dakota

    Dakota New Member

    You are very accurate.

    I do feel like she is being very disrespectful.
    That she’s using this as a crash pad
    And I think they do want to find an apartment ASAP.

    If she is living with him in the apartment, I’m not sure that I want to sign a student loan. I want her to go to college but, to be honest, I would want her under my roof full time. And contributing to family time.

    I know others will chime in. I will wait and read. I’m very thankful for this site.
  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    We signed loans. We ended up on the hook for them and she didnt do well in college or finish. Its up to you but we are broke from all we paid for her and our daughter is 33 and no better than when she was 16. We did too much for her and now she cant or wont do anything for herself. Her husband is not much better.

    I suspect your daughter is using substances and diesnt want you to know so she wont see you. I know our daughter hid it from us. We were fooled big time. That would explain why she doesnt want to spend time at home.

    Be well.
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    Last edited: Jul 11, 2019
  5. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I would not sign the loans under any circumstances. She is in no place to go to school and be successful. I would sit down with her and let her know your expectations if she wants to continue to live in your home. Write them out- having a job, contributing $ towards the household, what time she needs to be home, being respectful towards you, etc. If she wants to continue staying there then she has to sign the agreement. Be very clear and very specific about what you expect. If she fails to abide by the agreement even one time then you must follow through and kick her out. It seems to me you are at the point where you need to focus on changing your ways of dealing with her. She will either get with the program, or go live her life in this limbo that she seems to prefer. I know it's difficult and scary. I kicked my daughter out when she was 19 and she had an infant. It was because she refused to follow the rules of my home, so she had to go. She floundered for several years but over the last few years seems to have found her footing. If I had enabled her poor life choices she would have continued on living that way because she would have had no impetus to change. It's time for you to focus on your own health and well being. She is an adult and can live as she chooses, even when she chooses poorly. Sending peace to you.
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  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I agree with the others. You have to establish firm boundaries now so this does not continue - because it will.

    I also suspect drug use. Do you?

    Either way she is young and can turn this around but it won't be on YOUR time. It never is!!

    I think cosigning college loans right now is very risky. She is not showing stability and doubt she can be a successful student.

    Good luck.
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    If you are okay with being out the money and your daughter not completing college, then by all means, sign away. Personally, I would not sign any type of loan paperwork for anyone. I understand there are many parents who willingly take on the financial responsibility for their child's college education but I'm guessing that most of these kids will actually graduate. The way your daughter is living right now does exude being responsible. My son did a few months of college. I thought things were going well. He flat out lied to me about it and didn't tell me that he had quit. I never signed any loan paperwork, he managed to get some one his own, but, and here's where I did something stupid, I paid off his loan. It took me a couple years but I did it because I didn't want him to have a bad mark on his credit. If I could go back, I would not have done that.

    One plus that you have is your daughter is only 19. She is still young and hopefully can turn her life around.
    I agree with the others that you need to sit her down and set up some clear and firm boundaries. The sooner the better.
    Knowing what I know now, if I were in your shoes, I would tell her that the way things have been going is unacceptable and things need to change or she needs to go.
    Here's the thing, she is 19, an adult, however, if she wants to continue living under your roof then she needs to abide by your rules. If she throws out the "I'm an adult, I can do what I want" line, I would reply, "yes, you are an adult but so am I. I pay all the bills related to this home therefore I make the rules for what happens in this home. If you do not feel you can abide by my rules then you are free to leave. No one is forcing you to stay here but know this, if you choose to leave, there will be no financial assistance. If you choose to stay you will be expected to to participate in being in this family, ie; eating meals together, helping with household chores, being respectful of house rules, etc.....

    As for the "why" our kids do the things they do, I've given up trying to put rhyme or reason to it.

    I feel for what you are going through. I'm glad you found us here.
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  8. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    It sounds like she completed one year of college. We're her grades good?

    She's caught up in the party life right now. Give it a few more months and things with this guy will go south. It takes some people a while to realize their significant other is a loser. If there is drug use involved, that is a different story.
  9. Fearofsuccess

    Fearofsuccess New Member

    Sounds like our 20 year old; I could never put words to it. What Copabanana said is perfect: " So what she is trying to do is live an emancipated life, while depending upon you to provide part-time housing. " Our daughter was supposed to help around the house, agreement actually written and gone over by her with her counselor. She basically decided she didn't want to do chores and told us that she was moved out. So she is now living in an apt with a girl friend and she is working full time now for the past month. PRAYING she can keep this job as others have not worked out. I did pay for her car insurance twice in the past year. I probably should not have but I also did not want to be in the position to have to decide if I was going to drive her to work, so yes that was ultimately for myself; and other poor drivers she may run into. (She has her own car insurance because after 2 wrecks I tell the kids they are off our policy. Apparently she had 3, one of which I didn't even know about.) So maybe there is hope for us? These girls are still young. Also mine did go to one semester of college; she did fine with grades but only took 2 classes and has not signed up to go back. She signed for her own student loan so that is on her. I just had to choose to not intervene any more. It was causing marital and personal stress. And yes, I miss her, or at least what I thought she would be.
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