Why won’t he forgive

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Helpless29, Mar 7, 2019.

  1. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    My 16 year old son still refuses to have his dad visit him or wants anything to do with him and it’s been a month and half that he’s been locked up.He still blames everything on his dad won’t own up to anything he has done. I just don’t get my sons lack of remorse, or how he feels he has done nothing wrong. Never once in the past 3 years we been going through this with him, has he ever apologized for anything. Is this normal behavior? I mean you would think being locked up ,he would say sorry ,and want to go home . Maybe he’s not scared but I wonder why? He wants to get out but says he won’t go with his dad but that’s the only place he can go. I hate that he continues to act like this , it just makes things so much harder. He’s filled with so much anger
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I think that it is normal. My son was that way also at age 16. He would say sorry but it was just words and he was only saying it to get what he wanted or to soften our hearts.

    I am not sure what we can say that has not already been said about your son. I think you really need to stand firm and try to real in your heart so you don't get hurt right now.

    I'm sure he thinks he will get what he wants if he digs his heels in. Maybe in the past that is what has happened?

    I would leave him with no choice and force him to accept this. I wish I had been tougher or not AFRAID when my son was that age but I did not have this forum. I had no one that had been through this.

    If I had to do it over I would have sent ours to military school. We've spent the money on psychiatrists, psychologists, rehab, lawyers, etc. so what's the difference really?

  3. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I think it's pretty typical. My son rarely apologizes for anything, and then only when he knows he's up against the wall. But apologies are just empty words if they aren't followed by actions, behavior changes, etc. My son was in the juvenile justice system from age 14 to 19, and that only because he aged out. He blames where he is today on the fact that I had him locked up after assaulting me. And actually, he didn't get locked up when I called the police. He had been cutting himself and so he was taken the the juvenile psychiatric hospital for stabilization and then put on probation. His first time in lockup was for a probation violation, which was the beginning of consistently violating. He made the choices to break curfew, skip school, etc., not me...and yet it's my fault for fulfilling my court-ordered duty to report these violations.

    You can't force your son to have visitations with his dad, but at 16 I would think that he doesn't have the authority to refuse to live with his dad when he moves out. What will happen when he gets out of jail if he's still insisting he doesn't want to live with him?
  4. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    I don’t know , I’m wondering the same thing, & I thinking if he is released to his dad, he will runaway . Next court date is March 28th, probation officer said this is a complicated case, because he’s refusing to have anything to do with dad & can’t live with me , but she never really says what the outcome will be
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I think that he doesn't want to be in a strict environment which is probably how it will be if he is with his dad - based on what you said. I think that it's probably the best thing for him and it is exactly what he needs. He needs major accountability and that is a lot of work for a parent.

    He is at an age where you as parents still have some control over him. He may fight it but if he does, then he will suffer the consequences which is exactly what the natural course of events should be.

    I just had a conversation with my 23 year old son that just moved home in November after being in many, many rehabs etc. and a 13 month faith based program. He is drinking beer again which is okay if in moderation. He does not like to drink in front of us because he thinks we're judging (me mainly) so had in his room but we are NOT okay with that and I just had to explain to him WHY we aren't okay. He was 15 when his tirade started. We're still in it to some degree since he is home again. Here we are SEVEN YEARS later. Thank God I couldn't see into the future or I would have totally freaked out that I had "that" ahead of me.

    You aren't doing "this" to punish him. You have to continue to control and guide. The outcome may be the same no matter what you do - as it was for us. It was hell.
  6. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    Thank you . Your words help a lot.