Will see son tomorrow...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, Dec 15, 2017.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It's been 8 months since I've seen him. I'm really anxious about this. I'm kind of freaking out.

    He was supposed to call last night - his call night is Thursday. He did not. Wondering if he is on probation. Last week he was put on probation for "not loading the van properly". I don't know what van they are even talking about but it's all about following rules. I did talk to his "advisor" last week who told me that. Then son called Friday from "work duty" but said he'd call Thursday also which was last night.

    I called last night to see what was up but did not get a return call....hoping that since he called Friday maybe they wouldn't let him call last night. Ugh. Stomach churning last night. PTSD kicking in.

    I am going to try to keep our conversations light tomorrow right?? I have anger and want to say things but maybe I should stifle. We have four hours with him and there is a graduation to attend there. We have a few gifts for him and brought the game Monopoly Chicago to play with him hopefully and donate. They do not give "passes" during the holiday.

    How can I be nervous about seeing my OWN SON. It makes no sense but yet it does make sense. I am terrified to be honest.
  2. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    I'm always nervous when I see my son. It is crazy and it's real.

    I haven't seen mine for 3 months. I'm hoping he shows up for Christmas. I haven't spoken to him for over a month.

    I hope you have a drama free visit. Good luck.
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    When he was home I was always nervous of what he'd do next. When he was sober, I was afraid of when and IF he'd use. He always did use.

    I was worried about not knowing HOW to handle him or WHAT to do. Nervous about WHAT was next!!

    Now I'm just nervous about dealing with my feelings after having them pushed so far down and working on detachment. I am the type of person that analyzes everything and I don't want to do that but I have to fight it.
  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I was terrified too. Don’t be surprised if you get some anger and some pity plays. That’s how my son was the first few visits. We just let him vent. If he got ugly we cut that topic off.

    It’s very sobering (pun intended) to sober up and face the damage they’ve caused, harder on them than us. He already knows he’s got some work to do! He’s doing what he can right now....and deserves encouragement for that, I think.

    His feelings about tomorrow are probably as ambivalent as yours.
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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    rn. i relate to everything you write.

    for me it is harder when there is hope.

    i do not have anger towards my son. i have rage. i cannot justify this but i understand it. it is better i stay at a dstance.

    i would try to take the same tack as you: keep it light. stay defended.

    personally. i would try to have an escape plan in place in case the visit goes south. i think that is within the possible range of outcomes.

    your son feels vulnerable. that is why he did not call i think. to not feel vulnerable. exposed.

    that may lend itself to ambivalent behavior.

    on the other hand it could go lovely. he could open.

    close to neutral without expectation is what i would strive for. honestly. i cannot do it. but i believe you can.

    good luck.
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  6. Toomanytears

    Toomanytears Member

    Thinking of you and your son today. I hope with all my heart it is a positive visit..and when you are heading back home, you can take a deep breath, maybe have a good cry, and know that he is getting the help he needs.
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  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    RN, Prayers going up that your visit goes well and you have some peace of mind.
    Big hugs
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  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I would call and see if he is able to have visitors...just in case.

    This is harder done than said. Do you your best not to ask about the probation. It is his journey not yours. Your journey is to allow him to succeed or fail and to be o.k. with yourself no matter what his outcome is.
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  9. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I think it is understandable that you are feeling what you feel. This person hurt you very badly, and even though he is your son,your body and mind are putting up their defense barriers to protect you. Keep it light, and don't have any expectations at all. Will be thinking of you. Hugs!
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  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    as i write this you are with your son or almost there.

    i wish i had reflected that today you and son will be mirror images of one another. mirroring all of the love in the world...without defenses. this could not be another way. your son somewhere deep inside him will feel deep shame and guilt, without yet the tools to manage or understand these feelings.

    we i think feel some of the same feelings. combined with hope. an explosive mixture.

    know this rn. nobody. i mean nobody could do better.

    and know this, too. the truth of his deep love. you have told us over and over again how much your son loves you and your husband.

    i think when we stay in and return to that place of love we can better protect our hearts. paradoxically. because that is the one true thing.

    we are praying....
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2017
  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I know your in the midst of your visit. I am praying it goes well and he continues to embrace the program.

    This is not easy and it hasn’t been for a long long time for you RN.

    It is what it is the 3 Cs and clear the FOG.

    He is where he needs to be no matter how miserable he may say he is. If there not happy it usually means we are doing something right.

    We are all here for you!!

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  12. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Thinking of you RN.

    I hope it goes relatively drama free for you.

    Take care.....
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thinking of you and hoping the visit went well. Update when you can.

  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    RN, thinking of you today. Prayers going up.
  15. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thinking of you too RN, praying.
    Let us know how it went.
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    i keep thinking of you, too.
  17. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    When you are up to it, please update. You are in my prayers!
  18. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am praying that the visit goes well.
  19. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you too! Prayers too!
  20. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    And me.