Would you wrongfully apoligize to stay on good terms with somebody.

[Copabanana]

This is pure evil, swot.

To me the only course of action is for you and her other friends to rally around her in love.

There is nothing that can change a toxic waste dump family system like this.

 

[BusynMember]

Yeah. He is the new son. I am sorry too.

 

[AppleCori]

This woman needs to talk to a professional about how to handle this situation, and why she would even consider apologizing for something she has not done.

She needs to learn how to deal with her family from a position of strength.

Good luck.

 

[B’smom]

My friend often says she would kill herself but cant do that to Son. He is an angel for her and is keeping her from doing what can not be undone. I need to remind her of her blessings. That is what always helped me in the face of family of origin snubbing. Its powerful to focus on your blessings. She has friends too. She isnt alone.

It’s great that she has someone who gives her a reason to live during such a hard time in her life. My fear with that though, is what could happen if something happens to him. Hopefully her new counsellor can help her find reasons to live for her. She sounds like a very strong woman, I cannot imagine the heartbreak she’s going through. She might not fully realize, but she’s lucky to have a friend like you in her life.

I personally wouldn’t apologize when I didn’t do anything wrong. I might say “I’m sorry you feel that way and chose to believe a lie despite knowing my character”. My mother hasn’t been the most supportive person, I have been fortunate that my sister and I are very close. We have opposing views on most things but still support each other. It’s often us against the parents. Neither of us are vying for our mothers approval: we’ve accepted it’s an impossible thing (my mother hounds her for being too protective/easy on her child, and I’m too hard/strict with B). You really cannot win so I’ve given up. I’m trying to learn to trust me And the rest doesn’t matter.

Her son tells her she doesnt need them. He wont see them. And she has a new counselor. I hope she is a good one. And she has a group of friends and we are in touch thinking of how to help her.

Her son sounds very supportive and a good person to have in her life. Hopefully she can find a solution that’s the best for her.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. I havent seen her for a few weeks. I hope she stays strong.

I only apologize these days when I feel I really did something wrong too. I used to apologize for anything others said I did wrong. I got rid of family that were unkind to me and am not lonely. Dont miss either.

But it took me a long time to realize who was really worth keeping in my life. She is not there yet.

 

[Nomad]

SWOT....
This is very indirectly related. It's a question I've pondered a long time. Would like to get your opinion.

Years ago, I had a close friend who hurt my feelings by being loud and inappropriate in a restaurant. She said something bizarre and actually used a term that many would consider vulgar having to do with s e x. She was a little mad and a little heated. She was not yelling, but her voice was raised. Something triggered her...I can only speculate...I don't really know. BIZARRE is an understatement.
She did not use that term at me...she did not call me this word. BUT, it is big time, not a word one says loudly in public. I wish I could type it out here, but I'm almost certain I would be censored. Because this word would be considered vulgar by almost everyone and it was said on the loud side, and she was definitely on the grouchy side with a slightly raised voice and demeaner, plus with this nasty word thrown in the mix, people turned around and stared at us.

I was upset. Later, I called her and told her that I was upset. I was embarrassed and freaked out. We were in a quaint restaurant...almost stereotypical "ladies" restaurant where they serve little sandwiches. In close quarters. When I look back on it, it is a little funny. At the time... SOOOO NOT funny. Bizarre as heck.

What bothered me EVEN MORE, is she laughed at me. She said "oh, so what!" Certainly, no apology.

I get it. I see her point. Now, many years later, I kind of see it a little better. BUT, she was totally inappropriate and I took the time, to tell her my truth. It hurt my feelings. She was rude and inappropriate. I felt bad. I understand it wasn't her intention. I understand I shouldn't be overly concerned what others think. I understand that these things are most important. BUT, shouldn't she as MY FRIEND, also understand that if I tell her straight out, you (likely inadvertently) hurt my feelings, need to apologize??

In retrospect, I don't think this was a good reason to end the friendship, which I did. It was baggage left over from an abusive father who certainly never apologized for his bad behaviors.

BUT, at the same time, I don't think it was ok either. So....in my humble opinion, one of those weird things in life. So, if I feel I'm right, but accidentally hurt someone, or feel they are over reacting, I TRY today to say something like "That wasn't my intention. I'm sorry you feel that way or I seem to have cause you upset." I don't know. Live and learn. But, I'm curious to see what you think.

Side note: Over a decade later, we are friendly again. Not like before, but definitely friendly.

 

[BusynMember]

Nomad, in my opinion she would have said "Hey, I wont do that again around you" or something like that...she could have validated your discomfort and promised not to behave that way again with you. If you dont feel comfortable around somebody in my opinion its okay to detach.

Here is my own example. I have a real sensitivity to racial slurs and just insensitive language. I knew someone who used to say "the coloreds" and "illegals" even if she didnt know if the hispanic person was here legally or not. You get my drift. Now this was just her and me around our apartment. Nobody even heard. But after I said a few times that I didnt like derogatory terms to describe peoples ethnicity to no avail, I started dodging her when I saw her outside. Someone asked me if I was avoiding K. I totally blew the answer and said "No." But I was. Cowardly of me but I hate confrontation which is an explanation, not an excuse.

This lady and I used to talk a lot and we had a love of animals in common. It was expected that after I moved, we would still meet to talk. But it didn't happen.

I think we need to do what is in our comfort zone. I also would be very embarassed if somebody sitting with me in public loudly blurted an offensive sexual word. I dont want attention, especially not that kind, in public.

If your friend doesnt mind loudly spewing foul language, maybe even now you can see her at home rather than in public. We have a right to choose friends who do not make us feel uncomfortable.

You have a great day, Nomad. All this us JMO of course!

 

[Nomad]

Thank you, SWOT!!!!
The word “validation,” is an excellent one. What we ALL need /crave and greatly desire especially from our loved ones.

And liked what you said re “an explanation, not an excuse...” Sometimes we find ourselves in a strange spot. But being self aware is a precious /powerful thing. by the way, perhaps not being forthright with this person re avoiding K was actually the wiser choice. (?)

Thank you for your insight! Awesome!