Wow....just wow.......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Jun 26, 2014.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Although I'm not friends with difficult child on Facebook I often check his page just for peace of mind. It makes me feel better when I see that he's online because at least I know he's not dead. Anyway, I just looked and here's his status. (I censored some bad words and removed easy child's real name but the rest is alllll difficult child......):

    "My mom says she cares... That's a f'ing lie. You worry, yes. Care, not so much. If you cared, my child hood wouldn't have been as bad as it was. I would actually have someone I consider a "Mom"... You don't know what's its like, regardless of what you tell me. I have no one. My family doesn't care. If they did, they'd actually help me, instead of letting me burn. If it , was anyone else in my family who was in this situation, best believe I'd f'ing help them. I wouldn't be able to live with myself, knowing I can help, but not do a darn thing. What kind of f'ing mother refuses to help her own child, even after years of this sh*t. You know mom, if I were to never talk to you again, or show no emotion towards you or dad, that would be fine with me. Well, at least easy child has a f'ing family that cares. Because the same damn family he has is the one that abandoned me. I'm done, and if I die in this situation, you can f'ing live with that too. I already could have died once, next time... I won't be so lucky..."

    And here I sit. Hurt. Stung. Sad. ANGRY! Like seriously f'ing ANGRY! How dare he?? He seriously thinks I've never helped him? He seriously thinks I don't care?? REALLY!??? I have been killing myself worrying about him. I have helped him more times than I can count and each time he's thrown it all away because he refuses to follow rules or do anything that's expected of him! He lies and steals and hurts everyone who tries to help him. And the part that I find the most f'd up is when he says he couldn't live with himself if he made the same decisions I am making. But he can live with himself after everything he's done to our family? After everything he did to my dad? I seriously can't even comprehend the insanity.........

    I know what you're all going to say. Don't look at his Facebook. He's posting these things because he knows I'm looking and he wants to hurt me. And you're right. But in a way, as much as reading that hurts, it also makes me even more confident that I'm making the right decision by not stepping in to help him and save him this time.
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2014
  2. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Angry... Oh I can just imagine how angry you are after reading this, I would be making a list of everything I did for that kid... starting with 9 months of heartburn, with a kid kicking me in my bladder, time on bed rest, hours in labor, c-section, every time they puked down my neck, every thing they broke as toddler, stomp foot and tell me NO...

    wow my list is growing and I haven't even hit the first birthday yet

    if he would f-in help them why doesn't he help himself? for what it's worth I would have looked at facebook too the mom in me would have to know this person I grew was still alive. sending you hugs and wishes for some peace in your life.

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  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    He is most definitely ramping up. Wow. I am a bit shocked at the blatant disregard for anything he has done and the choices HE has made. Nice putting all the blame on you. Much easier than admitting there may be something seriously wrong with HIM.
    I am proud of you for how you are handling it. You KNOW you are a warrior mom! Keep taking care of you...

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
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  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's good you saw that JKF. Get angry. See him for who he has become with all the manipulations and deceptions. My SO would say to me right about now, "he's making it easy." And he is. He's making it easy for you to remember to detach. To remember what it says in the difficult child handbook, Step #38---- *when using manipulation, forget all that has been given to you and focus on what you don't have and what you believe will hurt them the most so they give you what you want out of guilt*

    Copy that sucker and post it somewhere you can see it next time your heart flutters with the "he's my baby boy" thoughts..............

    You are absolutely making the right decision. His response is exactly the response most of our kids have when we stop.

    It feels bad JKF, but you're doing very well. Have a glass of wine and toast yourself..............good job.
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  5. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    You know how often we read on this forum how difficult child's follow the same pattern??? This is SOOOOO what gfg33 has said....EXACTLY.

    i used to think it so very sad that parents and children were not communicating; how horribly tragic and unfathomable? We have had no communication with gfg33 for six months -- after years and years of that exact same vilifying.

    You know what? Life has gotten so much better once we jumped off his roller coaster.

    I do believe it is in their handbook. Learned that on this forum...thankfully, husband and I finally saw it for what it is.
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  6. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    Your son sounds just like mine. I am blamed for everything and trying to learn to detach. My son removed me on Facebook and guess it is a good thing. He is 2300 miles away from me and choosing to be homeless. Every so often he calls wanting "assistance" and phone numbers for family members who he thinks are supposed to help him. And every time he calls he uses profanity and I usually hang up. He refuses to believe he needs help for his diagnosis of bipolar with psychotic tendencies. He says he has no problems. It is everyone else. And it goes on and on and has for so long. I am so tired of it and don't see his situation getting any better. He is 33.

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  7. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I agree, JKF. He is ramping up because he knows you are reading. I agree with the others, good for you for seeing through it! I too would put this on my "Before Stepping In Remember This" list.
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  8. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Hi JKF, isn't it incredible how they forget all we have done for them? And how partial we are to their sibling(s)? And how THEY'd be jumping in to help, when they have that option available to help themselves under their noses?
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  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    The more we refuse to give them things to enhance their drug use or criminal lifestyle, the more abusive they get. I'm beginning to see a strong pattern of behavior for most of our difficult children, which is why they get into trouble in the first place. If you can do it, I'd avoid reading FB. You can have somebody else check to see if he posted if that soothes you, but why read it? That post was just to do to you exactly what it did. Exactly HOW should you help him? Will he go into drug rehab? Will he dump his druggie friends? Will he get a job? Will he rejoin society? If not, how are you supposed to help him? If you asked him, "How can I help you?" what would he say? Would he even have an answer or would he change the subject and go about how you kicked him out and won't give him money, etc.

    My long experience with difficult children has given me a strange sense of translation. "You won't help me" means "you won't give me money and let me abuse drugs in your home and allow me to disrespect you." It's about money mainly. They need it to use drugs. I have become very leery of "I'm starving" because there are so many ways to get food. Most of all, I can actually hear, "It's your fault. You're a horrible mom" and no longer fall apart. It's not true and it's just said to make us feel guilty. If 36 says that, I hang up and won't answer the phone for three days. That is part of the boundary I set on him having to respect me or not speak to me. The hang up and boundary bit and worked really well with him. What I told him is, "I talk to you with respect and don't yell or call you names. You can at least do that when we have a conversation or else I am not going to listen. I know you can be nice. And we have better conversations when we are both listening."

    Our difficult children are so immature we wonder if they will ever grow up, but we can't tie their shoes forever.

    I'm so sorry your son pulled at your heartstrings and caused your feelings to be hurt. It is a typical difficult child mind trick, as the Jedi say. "If I tell Mom this is all her fault, she'll feel bad and do what I want." And it often works. It worked for me for a long time. I am doing a crash course and reading one book after another on personality disordered young adults and I see our difficult children in many of them. If they have a personality disorder, they truly, truly see the world as different than we do. They refuse to conform to the world like most people do. For example, since many are lazy, if they want something, they want it, but may feel entitled to have it without working for it so they steal. Most people don't think like that, but people with personality disorders do and many are challenged with conscience or empathy so it doesn't bother them to take the law into their own hands. It is very distressing for the people who love them. We don't understand their way of thinking.

    I want to share another website that may help you, that I use, along with this, to get some support. It is about those of us living with difficult loved ones who have personality disorders, diagnosed and undiagnosed, so there is a lot of leeway there, but I find it comforting. Lots of info there too. It's called FOG. Here is the link and I hope you can find some serenity today and know that your son really does know you love him, deep inside.
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  10. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I know this feeling. It is impossible not to look. It helps husband and I to have a clear idea of what the difficult child would have to have accomplished before we will help.

    That strategy has saved us.

    And that is just what it feels like, too. That we have an answer, that we have a thought that will stop the bleeding.

    Of course you care. Of course I care. You and I (and all the parents here) are learning how to survive, are learning to reclaim our lives, after every dream ~ every dream ~ has been made deadly. We cannot even cherish the good things, because it makes us vulnerable.

    Again, a clear picture of what your difficult child would have to have accomplished already for you to help him will save you, will get you through this attack at your heart, this attack at the decent core of who you are.

    If you were not decent? If you were anything your own child is accusing you of? You would not be affected, JKF.

    It isn't so simple as not looking. Your child is wounding you deeply. The things he writes are tailored to destroy you. Even after I had been parenting a difficult child for so long I thought I could stumble through it pretty much upright, Recovering pointed out to me the technique my difficult child was using to pop me into a desperate kind of FOG.

    She was right.

    I am sorry your child spoke those abusive words over you. difficult child daughter is appreciative about her childhood. difficult child son spits that I was the worst mom, and am the worst grandma, ever.

    Whatever works. That is what our troubled kids will say: whatever works. That your child wrote this indicates a childhood with a mother who cared very much for her child. Or he would not have written those words.

    difficult child son calls husband and myself by our first names and has for years because he is that disgusted by our parenting, by our family. He loves to tell us why he calls us by our first names, too. Because he does not consider we deserve the title "mom" or "dad". difficult child believes we are friends, and continually threatens us with the loss of that friendship.


    difficult child logic is a strange thing.

    Letting me burn is a hard thing to read. I am sorry your son wrote those words to you. Again JKF, if you and husband come up with a clear picture of what difficult child would have to have accomplished before you will help him, that concept, that picture of difficult child, will strengthen you, now.

    Sometimes, it gets to be about learning how to make ourselves strong enough to do the right thing.

    We've heard this before too, a million times. The question I could never help but ask myself in the face of this accusation was: "With what? Help someone with what, difficult child?"

    I did not want to hurt difficult child, so I never said that.

    You are helping your difficult child, JKF. You have read here long enough to know that whatever we do doesn't help our children. Our children are going a wrong way. Until they decide to approach life differently, and they are the only ones who can make that decision, there literally is nothing we can do. We can enter into abusive relationships in which we invest our money and sacrifice our time and head room dealing with problems whose resolution is just a dream...or we can get real, see our situations for what they are, and try a different technique.

    You are helping your child, JKF. Nothing else has worked. You are not deserting your child. You are doing what is required to force him to see himself as he is and to choose to change his ways or not.

    difficult child behavior always escalates. Whatever it is that will hurt you, that will cause you to question who you are, really ~ that is what your difficult child will do. But once you've spent the money, had the child home, paid for the hotel room, bought the sleeping bag, whatever ~ the difficult child still needs to make those essential changes in himself.

    There is nothing we can do, JKF.

    This helped me: Find a talisman of some kind. Something you can hold in the palm of your hand, something that represents your son. Wrap the item in cotton to protect it. Then, wrap it in something beautiful, something that represents hope. Keep the item in a pretty box in a secret place. When you are heartbroken, when you are angry or discouraged or just plain so tired...take the box out. Feel and touch and hold the talisman, raging at it or crying over it or whatever it is you need to do. Then, wrap it safely away, in that secret place where you know it is safe, and wrapped in hope.

    That helped me.

    Lighting a white candle helped me.

    I envisioned the candle's light shining from the window in the night, leading difficult child home.

    That never happened? And when difficult child did come home? I was like, what was I thinking, to light a candle for him to come here?!?


    Grief must be addressed. We have lost so much JKF, but we have no legitimate, sanctioned way to grieve it all.

  11. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    LOL Nancy....yup!!! That was my first reaction! Only I realized it's never going to make a difference because he doesn't get it. He only sees what he wants to see and in his eyes it's all MY fault and I've never done anything for him. I'm not going to waste my time anymore trying to tell him differently.'s definitely shocking PG. And it only gets worse the older he gets. There is definitely something seriously wrong with him but he doesn't see it. He thinks everyone else is crazy and that he's the victim in all of this. It's pure insanity.....

    Hahaha RE! I LOVE this! I printed this out and hung it on my fridge and am also going to carry it in my purse as a reminder whenever I'm feeling guilty.
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  12. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    He would say let me come home. He thinks if I do that then everything will magically be better. He's so hung up on the fact that we have a nice 3 bedroom home with one empty bedroom. He can't believe I'd allow him to be on the streets and homeless instead of taking him in and letting him use that bedroom which at this point is essentially wasted space. But he will NEVER be allowed to live in our home again. It will never happen. EVER!

    Yes - this has worked on me for years but I've noticed lately that instead of feeling bad or guilty when he does this now I feel angry and resentful instead. I'm taking that as progress. The guilt has consumed me for years and has dragged me down. The anger actually motivates me to keep going forward with detachment.

    This is a concept that I struggle with a lot because difficult child TRULY has a PD. There is something very seriously wrong with him. Sometimes when I'm in an over thinking kind of mood I beat myself up because if he truly is that ill and can't help it then how can I in good conscience leave him to the elements? How can I not help my truly sick child? Am I making it worse by not helping him? It's a vicious cycle. And as for the link to that site - I saw it in your original thread a while back and I've been using that site as an essential tool in my recovery. I don't post there but I read and it is very comforting. Thank you so much for sharing that MWM!!
  13. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I get needing to "look." I do that with my difficult child brother on Facebook. He spouts some crazy stuff, but at least I know he's still alive. And still crazy, which resolves my decision to keep my distance. That said, looking comes with that ever-present caveat: if you're gonna look, you gotta be prepared for what you might find. It's a double edged sword, for sure.

    difficult children are sooooo good at revving up that pity train. It's so easy to twist things to make themselves look like a victim. I believe that sooner or later, though, even their "friends" start to figure it out. It's why many difficult children cycle through friends.. many wise up, and move on.

    I agree this makes it easy, in a way. It confirms that he is in no way ready to change, and that not helping him is absolutely the right decision. Make that list if you want to, just don't send it. I personally think just writing it out can help a great deal. Write it out, and burn it :)

    Stay strong!
  14. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    My difficult child does stuff like that every time we make her mad. It has gotten to the point that while I hate seeing it I just ignore it. Addressing it just causes issues. What they dont realize is that when they say things like that it makes it a little bit easier to detach.
  15. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    My difficult child did the exact same thing. He would scream at me and tell me it wasnt fair that he was homeless and hungry and that I was living in a comfortable home with tvs and food, blah blah, blah. For some reason difficult children cant connect the dots.......when you lie, cheat, steal, do drugs, refuse to get a job, you cant expect the normal, reasonable comforts of life. They expect and feel entitled to everything without having to lift a finger to work for it.
  16. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thank you Cedar. Sometimes I lose sight of the fact that what I am doing is helping him. You reminded me of that just now and I'm printing this out to add to my journal.

    Exactly. This is so very true.

    This is a fantastic idea Cedar. Thank you. I never would have thought to do this but I'm going to try it!
  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Mine, too.

    But when he has moved home, it never helped him for long, and it cost us a truckload of money and grief and ongoing, never ending guilt. One time? We were having the house re-roofed. The workmen were having dinner with us at the end of the day because that is how we like to do it. difficult child would breeze through and act like the workmen were beneath him because they were shingling our roof for money.

    At the time, difficult child was in his late twenties, living at home again, without a penny to his name.

    A few months later, after he had flunked out of a community college he only registered in so he would not have to leave then, we forced him to leave.

    It cost us $3500, that time.

    Plus the car.


    And whenever we bought him a car or gave him one of our vehicles, it was, "Welcome to my life." or, "The difference between you and me, Barb, is that you can choose color and type, and I have to take what's left."

    And I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. But here's the thing: difficult child said that to me something like ten years ago, and I still feel badly about it. I wish he had been able to buy his own vehicle too, for his own sake. It would have meant he was okay.

  18. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    Lots of Hugs and sending you extra strength JFK.

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  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I know no one will agree with me but if I were in this situation and had just read that from one of my son's, well after I finished finding them and beating them to within an inch of their lives, I would make that list of everything I "never" did for him and I would post it in MY status thingy. I would make sure that post was set so everyone could see it too. Let all his friends see your response. Probably wont make a hill of beans of difference but I would feel better after doing it.
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  20. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Janet! You are so funny.



    P.S. Something tells me you really would track your kids down and give them a piece of your mind!