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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 629570" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>The more we refuse to give them things to enhance their drug use or criminal lifestyle, the more abusive they get. I'm beginning to see a strong pattern of behavior for most of our difficult children, which is why they get into trouble in the first place. If you can do it, I'd avoid reading FB. You can have somebody else check to see if he posted if that soothes you, but why read it? That post was just to do to you exactly what it did. Exactly HOW should you help him? Will he go into drug rehab? Will he dump his druggie friends? Will he get a job? Will he rejoin society? If not, how are you supposed to help him? If you asked him, "How can I help you?" what would he say? Would he even have an answer or would he change the subject and go about how you kicked him out and won't give him money, etc.</p><p></p><p>My long experience with difficult children has given me a strange sense of translation. "You won't help me" means "you won't give me money and let me abuse drugs in your home and allow me to disrespect you." It's about money mainly. They need it to use drugs. I have become very leery of "I'm starving" because there are so many ways to get food. Most of all, I can actually hear, "It's your fault. You're a horrible mom" and no longer fall apart. It's not true and it's just said to make us feel guilty. If 36 says that, I hang up and won't answer the phone for three days. That is part of the boundary I set on him having to respect me or not speak to me. The hang up and boundary bit and worked really well with him. What I told him is, "I talk to you with respect and don't yell or call you names. You can at least do that when we have a conversation or else I am not going to listen. I know you can be nice. And we have better conversations when we are both listening."</p><p></p><p>Our difficult children are so immature we wonder if they will ever grow up, but we can't tie their shoes forever.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry your son pulled at your heartstrings and caused your feelings to be hurt. It is a typical difficult child mind trick, as the Jedi say. "If I tell Mom this is all her fault, she'll feel bad and do what I want." And it often works. It worked for me for a long time. I am doing a crash course and reading one book after another on personality disordered young adults and I see our difficult children in many of them. If they have a personality disorder, they truly, truly see the world as different than we do. They refuse to conform to the world like most people do. For example, since many are lazy, if they want something, they want it, but may feel entitled to have it without working for it so they steal. Most people don't think like that, but people with personality disorders do and many are challenged with conscience or empathy so it doesn't bother them to take the law into their own hands. It is very distressing for the people who love them. We don't understand their way of thinking.</p><p></p><p>I want to share another website that may help you, that I use, along with this, to get some support. It is about those of us living with difficult loved ones who have personality disorders, diagnosed and undiagnosed, so there is a lot of leeway there, but I find it comforting. Lots of info there too. It's called FOG. Here is the link and I hope you can find some serenity today and know that your son really does know you love him, deep inside.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.outofthefog.net/index.html" target="_blank">http://www.outofthefog.net/index.html</a></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 629570, member: 1550"] The more we refuse to give them things to enhance their drug use or criminal lifestyle, the more abusive they get. I'm beginning to see a strong pattern of behavior for most of our difficult children, which is why they get into trouble in the first place. If you can do it, I'd avoid reading FB. You can have somebody else check to see if he posted if that soothes you, but why read it? That post was just to do to you exactly what it did. Exactly HOW should you help him? Will he go into drug rehab? Will he dump his druggie friends? Will he get a job? Will he rejoin society? If not, how are you supposed to help him? If you asked him, "How can I help you?" what would he say? Would he even have an answer or would he change the subject and go about how you kicked him out and won't give him money, etc. My long experience with difficult children has given me a strange sense of translation. "You won't help me" means "you won't give me money and let me abuse drugs in your home and allow me to disrespect you." It's about money mainly. They need it to use drugs. I have become very leery of "I'm starving" because there are so many ways to get food. Most of all, I can actually hear, "It's your fault. You're a horrible mom" and no longer fall apart. It's not true and it's just said to make us feel guilty. If 36 says that, I hang up and won't answer the phone for three days. That is part of the boundary I set on him having to respect me or not speak to me. The hang up and boundary bit and worked really well with him. What I told him is, "I talk to you with respect and don't yell or call you names. You can at least do that when we have a conversation or else I am not going to listen. I know you can be nice. And we have better conversations when we are both listening." Our difficult children are so immature we wonder if they will ever grow up, but we can't tie their shoes forever. I'm so sorry your son pulled at your heartstrings and caused your feelings to be hurt. It is a typical difficult child mind trick, as the Jedi say. "If I tell Mom this is all her fault, she'll feel bad and do what I want." And it often works. It worked for me for a long time. I am doing a crash course and reading one book after another on personality disordered young adults and I see our difficult children in many of them. If they have a personality disorder, they truly, truly see the world as different than we do. They refuse to conform to the world like most people do. For example, since many are lazy, if they want something, they want it, but may feel entitled to have it without working for it so they steal. Most people don't think like that, but people with personality disorders do and many are challenged with conscience or empathy so it doesn't bother them to take the law into their own hands. It is very distressing for the people who love them. We don't understand their way of thinking. I want to share another website that may help you, that I use, along with this, to get some support. It is about those of us living with difficult loved ones who have personality disorders, diagnosed and undiagnosed, so there is a lot of leeway there, but I find it comforting. Lots of info there too. It's called FOG. Here is the link and I hope you can find some serenity today and know that your son really does know you love him, deep inside. [url]http://www.outofthefog.net/index.html[/url] [/QUOTE]
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