Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hopeful97, Apr 1, 2016.

  1. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    It has been a while since I posted. I am doing well! I have this amazing, beyond human understanding, wonderful peace :angel:. So, I am good.

    Have been doing good with keeping the distance and little to no communication with d c. We saw him over Easter a couple of times; still full of lies, deceit and vengefulness and so very much chaos or :poop: however you want to phrase it. It's so very sad :cry:.

    He came by the house a couple of times after Easter, we stood outside and talked to him for a few minutes. He was talking about the police, jail time, court dates, how he has a job (yeah right!) revenge, fighting, getting high, it's chaos:thunderstorm:. He comes by last night he is with someone, hubby answers door, hubby and older son step outside I follow a few minutes later. D c is talking about a party up the street and, everyone gets quiet, I ask d c if he is done training for his job he immediately starts in raising his voice saying I told you...... why do you do made me in bad mood now. I do not say a word and turn and walk inside and shut the front door.

    Then he calls this morning asking for a ride, it seems that after we see him a couple of times around family gathering times he continues contact, then starts asking for a ride etc., is told no and contact stops for a while.

    When he asked for a ride this morning I told him no he asked why I told him no he asked what I was doing I started to tell him and I thought it's non of his business and I just said no and he hung up. He comes by this afternoon hubby and oldest son step outside hubby says you need to apologize to your mom for yesterday he says he did (yeah right). I walk outside he is talking I call it chaos :twister2: because it's usually drama concerning his "friends" current girlfriend and who knows who else, also concerning the police, jail, etc........ I turn and walk right back inside, hubby shortly follows. Hubby comes in, I say I can't take the chaos, he agrees that he can't either. My sister having a fit about all of this she said "you guys don't need this especially right now" I assure her that I am cutting communication with d c once again, which seems to be getting easier to do. :yess: I look at it like this I have put boundaries in place (was not an easy thing to do - but I learned from this site, Ala Non and co-dependent books that it is a very necessary thing to do as is lovingly detaching, again extremely difficult but very necessary) - boundaries can relax but as I am learning sometimes need to tighten back up and sometimes very quickly.

    Now for an update. First off I wish to thank all of you for your prayers, much needed and much appreciated :angel:!

    I have DCIS (breast cancer) have had 2 surgeries and am starting radiation in 10 days 5 days a week for 6 weeks. Then I begin taking an estrogen blocker for 5 years. In all of this I have developed female problem (uterine prolapse). Not good! Will most likely have a hysterectomy and tissue repair. I see the ob-gyn specialist at the end of the month. Hopefully, this won't get to uncomfortable it is already annoying. In the meantime, hubby has been very ill with severe digestive problems :(. More testing Monday. This has caused him to miss approx., 2 and a half weeks of work. He has had these type problems for many years just not this bad. He is basically surviving on Ensure and a few bland food items. Thank goodness he can keep the Ensure down.

    Like I said earlier, I have this incredible peace :angel: :sunny:.

    D c continues to make bad choices and obviously does not think there is anything wrong with his behavior. This is extremely sad:frown:, but they are his choices.

    I don't mean to sound cold toward my own child, but it is his life. I can't make decisions for him. I love him very much. I know he may change someday and turn his life around :), he may not change at all and he may get worse :(

    Not wanting to sound like I am complaining in all of this but, my truck was in fender bender and we found out that the frame was cracked long before the fender bender ...... Thank God it didn't give out on the highway. :angel3:

    Oldest son has been so helpful, supportive and understanding he is very loving and caring just an awesome young man :victorious:

    Hubby and I are more on the same page than we ever have been :starplucker: really concentrating on us, and both of us getting better, and adjusting well to this empty nest stuff :semi-twins:!

    Thanks for listening, all of you are such a huge support and it helps knowing that others truly know what hubs and I are going through on this journey with d c. Concentrating on continuing to stand strong.

    Huge Hugs
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  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    HOPEFUL!!!!! Oh how wonderful it is to see your post. How I have missed you. My goodness so much going on, but the tone of your post is incredibly strong and determined.
    I just posted about this bizarre day, and thought the same, "I sound kind of cold....." But you know what?
    Not cold, lovingly detached.
    Meh, what are we going to do if the d cs keep going status quo?
    What are we to do?
    We can't allow their choices to stop us from living (she shouted from the mountain top)....
    So here we are.
    You and hubs need every bit of peace you can get to overcome these health issues.
    Chaos. Get. Away.
    I am glad you are practicing radical acceptance together, instilling boundaries and walking away from the crazy.
    Inspite of everything my dear sister Hopeful, you sound fabulous.
    My heart and prayers go out to you. You are going to be alright.
    Love and (((hugs)))
  3. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    It’s good to hear from you. Your post is very encouraging. I’m thankful for the peace you seem to have, beyond understanding, with all that is going on.

    You are doing the right thing, staying the course. You sound strong and growing more and more in your loving detachment. I really believe all is as it “should” be.

    Take care and Bless. Kalahou
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Sorry Kalahou, I took your line!!!!!
  5. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    That's great! Shows we're sharing of one mind here on the forum :)
    E pupukahi ka manao ... Olelo no'eau ... (one shell for all / be of one mind)
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2016
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Well done my friend.
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

  8. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    Leafy, Thank you. I have missed you also. You are absolutely right not cold but lovingly detached. I wil, be catching up, I need to read your latest post.
    Love and Huge Hugs
  9. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    Kalahou, Thank you. This site is so supportive and encouraging. Hugs, Hopeful
  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hopeful, I'm so glad to read every word of your post.

    I love how you turned around multiple times and walked into the house. That is setting a boundary, and is a very visible, literal and mental/emotional way to show it.

    Peace comes when something changes. YOU changed. You first accepted what is in front of you---his illness right now. You accepted your powerlessness over another person's life (any other person, not just your Difficult Child). Then you worked to live with that acceptance (and that's hard). Now you have turned your energy onto yourself and your husband and your own life. It is an amazing journey to take these steps, and it takes a long time and a lot of hard work, but you are doing it!

    Peace is at the end of this road, no matter what our DCs do or don't do. That is the promise of this work on ourselves.

    You have changed the game. Now, he will do whatever he does. We hope and pray he will exhaust every resource and have to finally, eventually turn his attention onto himself.

    In the meantime, I'm with you. I call it Drama (same as Chaos). I want no part of drama. Whenever I encounter drama today (from anyone in my life) I feel an immediate aversion to it. I am repulsed by it. I start distancing myself from it instantly. I think Difficult Child and exhusband in his active addiction gave me a lifetime fill of it. Today, I'm with you. I want peace, joy, serenity and contentment. If I start feeling that is in jeopardy, I start setting boundaries.

    So so very glad for you that you are in this place today. So hoping that in time your precious son chooses a new life for himself. He can start the process at any moment, and it's completely up to him.

    Warm hugs today.
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