Young difficult child is out of jail...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lovemysons, Aug 25, 2011.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    and at home now.

    He was released on a "PR Bond"...guessing that means personal recognance after spending a month in jail for "Reckless Child Endangerment". He smashed the front windshield of their car while both the grandbabies were in the backseat. Granddaughter had a "shard" of glass hit her in the forehead which caused some bleeding but she was not hospitalised or seen by a Dr...It just bled alot.
    His wife picked him up from the jail last Friday and he has been at our home ever since.

    Backing up a couple of days...daughter in law was called by CPS to bring the kids in and sign a petition that states young difficult child cannot see the kids til Sept 18th (court date). When daughter in law picked up young difficult child this last Friday the kids were with her. She already put them at risk of being taken away.

    daughter in law has been by twice this week to see young difficult child (without grandbabies). Her mother is trying to get them to divorce and supposibly brought home divorce paperwork for daughter in law last night.
    Young difficult child was disrought last night and speaking of suicide. It got worse...

    husband came home last night and young difficult child started crying talking about the divorce paperwork. husband got mad at him and asked him what the tears were for...I jumped in and told husband to stop being so mean to young difficult child. At that point husband walked out of the house and to his truck to leave. I asked him where he was going and he said to a hotel. Young difficult child was begging husband to stay and told him that he would leave instead. The scene outside was quite loud. Suprised none of our neighbors called the police.

    I shut husband's truck door and told young difficult child to leave husband alone. I went inside and upstairs to bed. When I came back downstairs alittle while later husband and young difficult child were talking in the gameroom. Things sounded calm so I went back upstairs. husband came upstairs later and explained to me that it was time for young difficult child to grow up...that he caused his own pain and he must man up and deal with it now.

    husband has young difficult child working on our fence. Young difficult child was lazy about it on Monday and went out with a "friend". When he came back in he had beer on him. I have now told him no beer aloud at our house, no alcohol, Period.
    This morning I looked under the bathroom sink and there was a beer can. I am going to have to get ugly about this I know. And I don't want to tell husband for fear of how he'll react...he already wanted to put young difficult child out on the streets as of Monday when the work on the fence was left undone.

    So...tensions are high in our house at the moment. I don't know what to expect next. daughter in law did find a rx for Abilify prescribed in April that she got filled. I have had young difficult child taking it the past 2 days though he says he doesn't like it that it makes him nausious and tired.

    I am trying to maintain my sanity and keep some peace in the house. It is not easy. I cannot even deal with the idea of putting young difficult child out in the streets...Just can't go there. But, husband has already made it clear to me that if young difficult child is not going to work hard for him and move forward that it will either be husband that goes or young difficult child...I get to make the choice. Sigh...

  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring thoughts and many hugs your way. Unlike difficult child#1 your #2 has never been project driven or self motivating. I know it drives your husband crazy since it is second nature for him to work as hard as he can all the time. We live with a similar (but not so volatile) situation. As you know easy child/difficult child is an alcoholic but the thing that causes husband (very quiet and calm by nature) nuts is that since the brain injury it is like pulling hens teeth to get easy child/difficult child "on task". As the psychiatrist says "he has more than a little difficulty in following through as a result of his brain trauma"...duh!

    Today he is working at the store helping husband. He will do a satisfactory job...although he doesn't like the lifting, stocking dirty work of the business. on the other hand he's promised to clean his room for a week and does start...then quits. The wires just don't connect as they should for him and I don't think your #2 is correctly wired either. Thankfully we don't deal with any violence but, like you, life is based on impulsive choices that are usually self pleasuring. Sigh!

    I wish I had positive advice to pass on, my friend, but I just don't. Before it is even posted I am sure most will suggest you kick him out, let him hit bottom and pull himself up. His vulnerabilities make that hard to consider. Lately have you pushed for mh consistent appts? Anger management classes? Rehab? Same old concepts but "sometimes" when circumstances change you can get some baby steps going. I'll be thinking of you all and hoping for the best. Hugs DDD
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I definitely know the struggle of having to grown men in the house and both of them being horses rears. It is hard being caught in the middle. In this case you know your husband is right. I knew most of the time mine was...though there were times he wasnt. You know you cant allow drugs or alcohol around your son. No how, no way. You have got to make sure he isnt around those kids. If she does, for those kids sake, do something...make that call. What address did he give when he was released? Yours?

    I feel for you.
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I can see where your husband is coming from. "Young" difficult child is a grown man with a wife and children. It is well past time for him to 'man up'.
  5. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I have no actual advice Tammy. Your difficult child seems determined to continue to put himself in horrible positions, and along with himself, puts you and your husband in the path of his own mess making situations too. At the same time, I get that your a mother with a mothers heart. The only advice I feel I can offer is that if it gets pushed to a choice, you cannot give up your life with your husband to try to help your difficult child. Frankly difficult child isn't doing much if anything to help himself. Just remember, you didn't break him, you can't fix him. If you all reach that breaking point, this isn't a minor son you are speaking about. Your husband has to come first if it gets to that point. He too loves your difficult child, Know what I mean?? He's also pretty realistic it sounds about having basic expectations from difficult child. I see you wanting to help, and your husband wanting to help. Perhaps just in different ways. I just would hate to see your marriage in trouble so I guess that's my advice. Meanwhile I hope your difficult child finds a suitable apartment and agrees to take his mental health more seriously alongside helping his addictions. He's got a rough road ahead either way. I always tell those I care about that when trying to help someone means you are making more efforts than they are, it's time to step back and reassess your approach. If it hasn't worked before with difficult child, figure out of theres something new going on to give a sign it would be different this time. I know it would be so hard for you to watch him flailing without you and your home base to count on. Perhaps its time to decide how much of your life you're willing to risk damaging and just when you think you'll be able to tell difficult child that its your way or the highway. If you can't find an answer of what it would take you, it might be that its never going to be a cut and dried decision for you and that you just have to bite a bullet.
    Hang in there though. No judgement from me regardless of how this plays out. I just worry about you and how much you are relied on when your difficult child's mess up. It truly isn't healthy at the stage your difficult child has a wife and babies. Not for him and not for you. Not for his marriage and kids either. Less motivation to get it together for them when he can coast at home with you and husband. If his marriage following apart and no access to his kids won't motivate him to seek medications, treatment etc and make real changes, how then is he ready to respect your home and not put your marriage at risk? How many lives can he ruin of those who try nothing but to help him before he is forced to hit bottom and figure out things on his own? Just food for thought and given with true caring and hope that this all gets sorted in a healthy way for every one of you all. Hugs!
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Being caught in the middle svcks. No other way to put it.

    I do see your husband's point though, and honestly, I think he's right. Young difficult child is far from being a child at this point, even though he acts terribly immature. He can fix his life if he wants to bad enough, it's his choice. As for his mother in law trying to force a divorce........well, his wife has a mind of her own and she's a grown adult. But continuing to act like an overgrown child is not helping matters any.....and leaving work unfinished to go hang and drink with a friend......breaking house rules to not the way to fix anything or get your life together.

    And I can understand that you don't want him on the street either. I really can.

    But if push comes to shove......Well, you need to ask yourself if trying to save your Adult child who doesn't seem to want to save himself worth destroying your marriage?

    At 22 difficult child is plenty old enough to know what things he should be doing and not doing. The choices are his to make, you can't make them for him. And if being at home is enabling him not to move forward toward maturity and adult behavior and taking responsibility for his own behavior and his wife and children, then maybe he doesn't belong at home.

  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for the caring thoughts.

    I think husband is right too...our son is old enough to know better now.

    Oh goodness...I'm tired of it all already. husband gave young difficult child 20 dollars yesterday for all the work he did over the weekend. Instead of giving it to his wife for the kids he apparently chose to go drink. Found him bent over the couch early this morning and from there he moved to the kitchen where he said he was hungry...He only got as far as hunched over on the floor of the kitchen.

    I knew young difficult child was pretty upset yesterday. He found his mugshot on the internet simply by typing in his first and last is about the reckless child endangerment.

    Apparently I am wrong about the court date...thought it was the 18th but I think that's on a weekend so that can't be right. He did get some paperwork out yesterday from when he was released and looks like next week will be a court date.

    I don't know how this is going to play out right now. I am fairly nervous about the situation. I know I can't do this for him though...He has got to care enough about his own life. He tried to remind me that he would be okay no matter where he ends up. Does not soothe my heart at all.

    Meanwhile...easy child's roommate from last college year will be here on Thursday to pick up some of her stuff from our home. Then, we are supposed to head to Louisiana this weekend with our truck to take easy child's stuff to her apt near campus. Young difficult child will have to go with us but easy child wants him to stay at hotel not go to her apt.
    It's sad that none of our children "like" each other at this point in their lives. easy child doesn't like young difficult child likey due to young difficult child stealing from her recently and all the past emotional abuse while growing up...Young difficult child regularly told easy child how "fat" she was growing up and hurt her feelings. I know easy child does not forget.

    Oldest difficult child came by the house the other day. husband invited him his girlfriend and their baby over in a couple of weeks. Oldest difficult child said he would not be here if easy child (because she is gay) is here or his brother young difficult child. He does not want his child exposed to the "evil" as he puts it.
    Pretty sad that none of our children can tolerate each other at this point.

    husband and I are holding onto each other...I won't let young difficult child get in between us.
    Thanks again for the care...I'll keep you all posted.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    I say let go and let husband handle it. difficult child has made his choices and will have the natural consequences from those choices.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Ok...oldest is an ass. She is his sister for heavens sake! The childs aunt.

    I dont know that youngest can legally go to LA. You better check on that. Most people released from jail and waiting to go to court are not allowed to leave the state without permission.