Youngest and Parenting Skills

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CrazyinVA, Jul 12, 2011.

  1. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My granddaughter has been getting physical therapy in our home for her developmental delays for a couple of months now. She’s almost 13 months old, but still can’t roll over or crawl, let alone pull herself to her knees or feet. She’s been making good progress, though. She sits on her butt and uses her feet to scoot herself around. She’s happy and smiles and laughs often, a far cry from the incredibly fussy and unhappy baby she was for the first 9 months of her life.

    Last week, Youngest cancelled a therapy appointment because she was out of town visiting her new boyfriend. The therapist left a voice mail on our home phone, with several time slots she had open later in the week. I let Youngest know the voice mail was there, I saved it. She assured me she’d call back. She later told me she did call back, and left a message. She said the woman didn’t call her back again. Then Sunday, when I ask if she ever tried calling again or heard anything, she tells me the therapist is coming Monday (yesterday).

    Soo yesterday around noon Youngest calls me at work about something. I mention that I was surprised to hear from her, I though the therapist would still be at the house. She hesitates and said oh, she already came. I ask how it went, and she says “fine.” Hmmm. When I get home that evening, I ask again how it went, and ask what they worked on. She gives me some vague answer about Ella still not being able to get on her knees. Then I look around for the sheet of paper that the therapist always leaves, with notes on progress and things to work on until the next appointment. No paper. I ask Youngest again, and get another vague answer. I tell her I know she’s lying. She tells me it’s none of my business, and that besides, she read some internet forums where other moms with babies with the exact same problems, and they caught up fine eventually, with no therapy at all.

    I blew. I told her it was my business, because this was my granddaughter, and she was living in my home. I told her not to screw up this FREE therapy by missing appointments and not rescheduling, they may kick her out of the program. I told her she was neglecting her child as far as I was concerned.. how could you not do what experts recommended for your child?! They told her Ella is 3-4 months behind in development. They wouldn’t have ordered weekly therapy if it wasn’t necessary.

    Youngest is just plain lazy, and distracted. She's 23 with the mindset of a 16 year old. She’s been too busy texting with this new boyfriend to be bothered with things like appointments for her children. Aidan is overdue for his immunizations, and needs a dentist appointment. I don’t understand how she’s missing that “mama bear” gene that we all have .. to do whatever you can to protect and take care of your children. How do you know your child is so far behind developmentally, and even cry to me about it (she sees pictures of friends’ children the same age, standing or walking, and gets upset and embarrassed that Ella can’t do that yet), , and then NOT follow through with physical therapy to help her?! She doesn’t ever do the exercises that the therapist leaves for her to do … oh she tells me that she does then when I’m not home, but I’ve never seen her do them on weekends. My gut tells me she’s lying, she does nothing between appointments. Again, lazy. She can't be bothered, in my opinion.

    I told her that getting Ella therapy is a condition of her living there, and of using the car. She called this morning, and has an appointment tomorrow afternoon. So, it worked, for now. I hate that I have to treat her like a teenager, though, tying things like driving privileges to things that should be normal parenting skills and duties. I don’t get the lack of concern about it all. I swear if I hadn’t said anything, she’d have just let the therapy go altogether, which is pretty frightening. And then I think, what happens when she moves back out and there are no consequences to such choices, other than her kids' suffering?

    No answers, just a vent. Walking this fine line of detaching when it comes to the welfare of my grandchildren, is a tough one. I can't and wont' take over the parenting, but while they're in my house, I'll do what I can to set ground rules to protect them.
  2. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I'm going through very similar issues. I want to scream and cry all the time. It's so hard to watch.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I so understand Crazy. I dont understand why J and B dont see that Mikey is almost a whole YEAR behind in his speech and do a darned thing about it. I mean seriously, the boy will be two in September and he doesnt even say momma or dada. He does do some form of babbling though that almost sounds like yaba daba do but it isnt or I would worry he was deaf. He can hear us calling him but he just wont attempt to put words out. They need to see early intervention.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    This is katie. Only she'd never have set up the therapy in the first place. Instead there would have been a long list of excuses.

    Alex is as bad as he is due to lack of early intervention. Not that I didn't go above and beyond in trying to get it for him. He still does not walk properly and his legs are turned in so bad that he trips over them all the time. That she was supposed to have checked and taken care of for almost 4 yrs now, he's yet to see a doctor for it. (among a long list of other things)

    Evan is currently following suit. I see disability being sought for him in the near future.

    It's very hard for a grandparent to have to watch.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Lisa...these are things that make me wonder if some parents let it go because they know deep down that in a few years the kids will be worse off and they will be disabled. I remember when I was at Duke when Cory had his surgery on his shoulder and the doctors looked at me and asked me about his disability check. I just looked at them like what are you talking about. I had never heard of that. I thought social security was for the elderly when they retired. He was on medicaid because we didnt make much money but social security? What on earth were these doctors smoking! Well they just sent a social worker into his recovery room and explained to me that with all his ongoing issues that he was always going to be behind his peers and he qualified for this program called SSI. I had never heard of it. I trusted her and let her apply for me because she seemed to know what she was talking about. I certainly would have never deliberately denied my child medical care in order to make him worse in order to get that check but I can see some parents doing that. It pays much more than a welfare check.

    I used to get so incredibly irritated when I had to work cases for families were there were mothers or grandparents who had 2,3 or even 4 kids on SSI getting right around $550 then they had 2 more kids they were receiving regular welfare money of 272. Then medicaid for everyone. Top that off with free housing and food stamps of probably at least 500 or more a month.

    That meant the person was bringing in at least 2500 a month tax free for doing nothing. They made more than I did!
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't think Youngest has thought about SSI angle, honestly I think she just loses interest or gets distracted by other things (like the new boyfriend) and simply can't be bothered. She only got Ella into the early intervention program because I looked up the information and gave it to her. I also happened to be at a pediatrician appointment with her and the doctor recommended she contact the program, so I pushed her to follow through and make the appointments. At the time, we were sharing a vehicle, so I also took her and Ella to the all appointments. If I hadn't done all that, it's possible she might have started missing appointments long ago. But heck, these appointments are in our home... how difficult is that?!

    Stop reminding her, and the kids suffer. Keep reminding her, and she never takes responsibility for it herself. My therapist tells me that these kids are likely going to suffer, regardless of what I do, and that I have to accept that, as hard as it may be. Those are the consequences of Jess choosing to have kids when she was so ill-prepared for motherhood.

    Tough choices.
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I keep forgetting to remind husband, that with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) and ADHD, Jett might qualify for SSI - which we could then use for Occupational Therapist (OT) for him. As it is, we can't afford it and I make too much money for us to qualify.

    on the other hand... BM is probably collecting SSI for him. If she is, and husband inquires... Whoops.
  8. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    Has Ella been checked for hip dysplasia?

    My youngest was unable to get himself up or crawl or do anything but a small scuttle on his butt at 9 months. Friends of ours who own an EI agency were over for dinner and offered to have him evaluated. As part of it, I took him to an orthopedist, who said he had hip dysplasia. My sister had it as well and wore backwards shoes on a bar for a year or two. My son got PT for about 6 months. He's 12 now and he walks just fine.