Youngest is now a married woman.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CrazyinVA, Apr 23, 2012.

  1. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Her wedding was Friday evening. It was very nice, a small backyard thing at their townhouse. It's weird to see her posting on FB with a different last name, guess I'll get used to that! Her husband leaves for overseas in early June, and will be gone for a year.. I pray this all works out for them. They're very happy, and he's a good guy and is great with the kids. Him being gone is going to be hard on all of them. I pray nothing falls apart while he's gone.

    The only "blip" for me was that she didn't want me to walk her down the aisle (i.e., out the back door of the house and up to the officiant). She wanted to walk by herself. I told her that was fine, it was her wedding after all, and I smiled. But, truth be told it stung, and hurt my feelings. I pushed through those feelings because I realized it wasn't a personal slam towards me, it was just Youngest being Youngest. Wanting to be the center of attention and not taking anyone else's feelings into consideration but her own. She did text me later and thank me for everything I'd done to help with the wedding, so it's not that she's not appreciative. It's just that when she appreciates me, it's for things I do, and not for me just being me, her mom. On one level that makes me really sad, but on another, I realize I can't change it so it's just another thing I need to detach from. I guess I just need to accept her how she is. And hope that one day, she'll change. It'd be easy to cry and say, "how could she, after all I've done for her?" but that would be such a colossal waste of energy. I can't even make myself cry over it.. weird huh?

    I was kind of unemotional leading up to the wedding date, in fact I told very few people she was getting married. Only my closest friends knew it was coming (and a few folks at work, since I took the day off), until I posted on Facebook the day of the wedding. I knew that even though I'm happy for her, I just didn't have the "joy" that a "normal" mother would have in preparing for her daughter's wedding day, so it felt weird to talk about it.

    So, I guess all of this is more progress in detachment, but it feels weird. Better than being depressed and stressed out over it, though.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Crazy. Well, congrats on the wedding. My feelings would have been hurt too. And, my difficult child is similar to yours and I've had to reach the same conclusions, we can't change it and it really is a colossal waste of energy on something you can't do anything about and it is who they are. It does feel weird though, I hear you. Yup, I agree, more acceptance of who they are. Little by little we make progress in the detachment world, but it isn't natural and it does feel strange. I completely get it.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Congrats on the successful wedding. :)

    Nichole got married in judges chambers. She'd assured me that they'd have a more formal ceremony later. But I'm not stupid, I knew better. I don't have a problem with a JOP except that I'd save my wedding gown for 30 yrs hoping one of my girls would use it. easy child was 9 months preggers, so that wasn't going to happen.........and Nichole opts out for JOP because her husband is a tight wad. So I didn't get miffed, it was her wedding, like you said. So then I try to talk her into wearing her great grandmothers cameo and her grandmothers pearls.......and no, that didn't happen either. Oh, well.

    It still was lovely even if to me she got jipped after having to wait so long for her husband to get his act together. They are happy now and doing well, and that is what really counts. (although she's really woke up about the tight wad business LOL )

  4. Sounds like you're handling it very well. You are wise to recognize and honor your feelings, as well as process that your daughters choice for her wedding was not intended to hurt you.

    As I think back to "our special day" mom had her heart set on me walking down the asile to an operatic version of a hymn she loved. Not my taste at all but I agreed 'cause church rules said it had to be church music. If I had heard the singer before hand I never would have agreed. I have yet to learn to appreciate opera. But my siblings and I get a kick out of singing "beautiful opera". Lol. And in hindsight it is nice to hear mom speaking fondly of me walking in to her favorite hymn that day. (it always makes me laugh 'cause her idea of beautiful music is like fingernails on the chalkboard to me! Lol)

    Probably 15-20 years later mom thought bagpipes would be beautiful for my sister. Again, probably not her first choice but in hindsight a fun memory.

    Our estranged adopted DS-difficult child eloped the weekend of the royal wedding, then came back to recreate the event wsurrounded by his "new mommy and daddy" and other Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)-typically triangulated "rescuers".

    husband and I were not invited, but were glad DS's heart melted enough to extend a last minute invitation to our bio daughter. It seems like our estranged adopted daughter-difficult child was calling most of the shots as she has been well before their conjoined meltdown. daughter-difficult child arranged to be honored in a special "brother-sister dance" that left our Bio daughter sitting surrounded by the couples pretending to be our adoptees' new parents since they had their conjoined meltdown at ages 18 and 21.

    Unlike you, our child's wedding was orchestrated to be one big eff you to us. However husband, Bio-daughter and I need to remind ourselves this is not personal, it is exactly how Reactive Attachment Disorder behaves. As personal as it feels, and boy does it FEEL personal! It is symptomatic of the mental illness that was diagnosed in our daughter-difficult child as she (and her half-bio brother) joined our family being adopted out of an estimated 17 failed placements. DS-difficult child did not move as many times but had at least 5 failed placements by the time the special needs sibling group arrived in our home when he was only 2.5..
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2012
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    CIV -

    I'm sure you made an absolutely beautiful Mother of the Bride. I haven't had to be one of those, don't have a daughter. I do have one hope left in Dude - and as usual he's puttin cart before the mule, but just like the rest of his life? Or like the life of a difficult child? Why in the world would I expect anything to ever life up to my ideals or dreams of what even that day could be like? I'm fairly certain had he and his pregnant fiance done it the way I dreamed a dream? I'd have had a heart attack prior to the days events, been in ICU, missed the whole damn thing - and well there you go - I'd have missed it anyway. Again!

    You tell me what is normal in our lives? (chuckling) I think we're breaking barriers and starting new traditions and setting the bar not higher, not lower just OUT there. Traditions and new ideas COME from kids like ours and unique events like ours where we stand back and are brave enough, and love our children SO much that we say ONE.MORE.TIME - okay to save the peace - Do it your way. I won't cause problems. No one in your daughters case was the wiser were they? No one KNEW that her walking herself down the aisle wasn't what you and she planned all along was it? I mean I'm sure you spent a boatload on a dress that is only going to be worn one time right? WHY NOT let your daughters wedding day be the day that she and her dress SHINE - and you as the awesome, loving Mother that you are stand back in the shadows, dabbing a tear to show the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD - LOOK WORLD - THERE walking down that aisle IS MY BABY - MY Creation - without me? There wouldn't be a HER----or a day like this, or an event - or a reason for a wedding. And LOOK AT HER SHINE.....she's the MOST BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL IN THE WORLD......isn't she? (and yes, she is - and TODAY IS HER DAY.....not mine, and I'm so proud of HER - look at her go - from in my arms, to crawling, to first steps, to walking down the aisle. I'm responsible for all that....and yet here I stand. Beautiful Mom. As always - in the shadow of the daughter whose life I created -

    I think that's incredible. true to a Mothers Heart......and while it may have hurt your feelings, and you have every right to feel left out? There would have been NO event at all - without you. I recognize YOU for that. I recognize your love, your time, your caring, your compassion, your concern, your endless, sleepless nights - your tears, your smiles, your sorow, and your joy - so that for all of three minutes - that little girl could shine -------

    BRAVO Mother of the Bride........

    In recognizing you I say

    - Friends of -------
    Mother of the Bride.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Like star...I will never be Mother of the Bride but my sons have made it overly apparent that weddings just wont be done normally in my family! I was so ticked when Jamie got married to Billie and never even told us until after they had done it. I mean really. They swore they were going to do a regular wedding when Hailie was big enough to be a flower girl but thats a lie.
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you all, especially Star: you always have just the right words :) <3

    I got off pretty easy on the wedding cost. White cocktail dress at an outlet for Youngest, my dress and grandkids' outfits at Burlington, and to-go barbecue for 20 at a local place. Her friend made a cupcake tower for her cake, and did her hair and makeup. Pictures are on FB for those who are "friends" there. (PM me if interested)

    I never had a "normal" wedding myself (and yes, there is no normal... that's why I always put it in quotes!). First time was shotgun/JOP at the courthouse, second time was in my living room. If (G-d forbid) I ever do it again, I'm going to Vegas.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    You did it - not me. I am just happy you had the chance to be there and see it all. Sometimes what we want and what we get in our blessings are WORLDS apart, and it makes it seem like we got cheated.....but if we got nothing at all - and had been offered what we got when we thought we were cheated? We'd take it gladly and with a smile. - Just my way of looking at it and adjusting to life with the son I was given and the two that were taken. I guess you can change your mind set - because you can't ask for a new mind. (I know - I've tried - Fritz refuses to be exchanged)
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    And THAT would be "normal"?
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm far from "normal." So maybe for me, it would be....
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Well congratulations to you and best wishes to the couple. My difficult child#1 hurt me greatly with her wedding and many times before it and afterwards. It is what difficult child's do. I am sorry you didn't get to walk your daughter "down the isle" but am glad she was appreciative in her way. You are right we take what we are given but often do feel cheated. Star, I wish we all could look at it as half full most of the time but it is not the easist thing to accomplish. -RM
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well if I "ever" do it again? I want ya'll to get a BIG, BIG club......and beat me like a batch of rising bread in a kneeding bowl. Then I want you to throw me in a time machine and take me back to the 1700's on a Southern Plantation, and force me to pick cotton in 110 degree heat while chained and shackled, then cook and clean, and not be paid for any of it. Then I want you to take me out and tie me to the bumper of a 4x4 and drag me through the mud......repeatedly. Then I want you to take me to a tourettes seminar and sit me in the front row, and leave me there for 4 hours, and then I want you to put me in front of a grade school entry way and write welcome on my back so everyone can wipe their feet on me........BECAUSE I'd LOVE to remember just what it's like to be married. Yeah - if I'm missing anything there? Just add it - I'm happy being engaged to a wonderful wonderful man that treats me like a princess, and unless I take complete leave of my mortal senses? It's staying that way, because it ALL changed the minute I said "I do." SO I wont.
  14. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ::clapping for Star::

    Yeah, I'm not keen on the idea for myself, anyway. I've been single too long, can't imagine ever living with someone again, let alone marrying them. But I'm jus' sayin' ... if a miracle occurs and it happens, I'm goin to Vegas baby.
  15. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Congratulations to you for surviving and seeing it the way you do! :) As for the normal thing....I have my own spin on that and it's a quote I've created and use quite often now, feel free to use at will: "Normal is for those that lack the ability to accept reality. For reality is all things and all people!" :D
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    sorry your heart got hurt a little, but it is gracious that you view it as her day and I am glad that it went well. I wish her many happy married years! Will pray for his safety while away....
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Was oldest part of the wedding?
  18. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No, we were both just observers. There was no best man, no maid of honor. They didn't want either. Just a bride and groom. So actually, I guess walking down the aisle by herself went along with that setup.