BusynMember
Well-Known Member
A very good friend of mine died too young, but she often shared much wisdom during our very close, twenty year friendship. This wisdom I share to all who hear wrongful stuff about yourself from anyone, not just family of origin. I never forgot it and have told this to my own children when they would come home crying that "he called me a name."
We were having coffee in my dear friends kitchen where we often spoke our deepest thoughts, and we were sharing things that were said to us by our mothers, meant to be hurtful but so untrue that we were both laughing about them.
She suddenly broke the conversation and said "You have such RED hair!"
I was taken aback. This was out of the blue so I had to readjust my thinking. I love gorgeous long red hair but I had ugly brown hair. "what???" I finally asked, laughing a little.
"Your hair is SO red." She was half smiling.
"Why are you saying this? My hair is brown. You are looking at it."
"I am and it's red."
I started to laugh. "So is yours." It was not.
She smiled broadly. "If I say your hair is red a thousand times and insist it's true and tell everyone it's red, is it red?"
I was serious now. "Nothing can make it red."
"Exactly. Words are just words, not truth. You know the truth. Your hair isn't red. Why care if somebody says anything silly about you that isn't true? I don't care what they say or how loud they say it. It doesn't make it true." She was banging her fist on the table, but not in anger.
I have shared the meaninglessness of words here many times either when our difficult kids call us ridiculous, mean names that we know are untrue or when they make promises they never keep. Words are just that. They don't define us. They are worth nothing, prove nothing. So if somebody says you have red hair or are mean or are hateful or don't love them or are the worst mother ever or have no heart or anything else and it is not true, it is still not true. None of it. No matter how they insist it is true.
Yes, it can especially hurt coming from one's child but it is often more about how the child thinks about himself than about your true self. Does it hurt less to know this? For me, if I remember that I don't have red hair, yes.
I don't know if this helps everybody but remember this. Often anger causes hurt so the words that fly out of somebody's mouth are an attempt to fight back. We set an unexpected strong boundary to a child who has owned us for years or a mother we have always given into or a co-worker who makes us do most of the work. We say "no more." The anger they feel at being rebuffed, and especially from meek little us, turns into a verbally toxic vomit of lies from them that are meant to get back at us, but the words are untrue. And we know it. And that's all that matters. Expect them to keep it up for a long time. Perhaps forever. We all have the choice of not listening even if it is a beloved child
I have shared this with many. I now share it with you. I hope it helps.
I do not have red hair. I never will no matter if anyone insists that I do.
Some of you know how I am very spiritual and talk to and listen to my spiritual guides often. And some may think this is crazy (shrug,). I dont care how this is seen by others but to me I have received a strong message fromy main guide, a Native American man, telling me it is not healthy for me to either listen to or engage in name-calling. He has never steered me wrong. I am trying to be a good person. Negative energy stalls my path.
So all I am going to say is that I do not have red hair and if you don't and somebody says you do, try to understand that their insistence is from pain and that, most importantly, words do not make things true.
This was a peaceful thought for me...one I knew about for years but had to "hear" all over again as a refresher. Please take this in the good natured spirit in which it is intended. And if it resonates with you hold it in your heart for it is true. Words are not tangible and can not define anyone. And anger is negative energy.
Light and love
We were having coffee in my dear friends kitchen where we often spoke our deepest thoughts, and we were sharing things that were said to us by our mothers, meant to be hurtful but so untrue that we were both laughing about them.
She suddenly broke the conversation and said "You have such RED hair!"
I was taken aback. This was out of the blue so I had to readjust my thinking. I love gorgeous long red hair but I had ugly brown hair. "what???" I finally asked, laughing a little.
"Your hair is SO red." She was half smiling.
"Why are you saying this? My hair is brown. You are looking at it."
"I am and it's red."
I started to laugh. "So is yours." It was not.
She smiled broadly. "If I say your hair is red a thousand times and insist it's true and tell everyone it's red, is it red?"
I was serious now. "Nothing can make it red."
"Exactly. Words are just words, not truth. You know the truth. Your hair isn't red. Why care if somebody says anything silly about you that isn't true? I don't care what they say or how loud they say it. It doesn't make it true." She was banging her fist on the table, but not in anger.
I have shared the meaninglessness of words here many times either when our difficult kids call us ridiculous, mean names that we know are untrue or when they make promises they never keep. Words are just that. They don't define us. They are worth nothing, prove nothing. So if somebody says you have red hair or are mean or are hateful or don't love them or are the worst mother ever or have no heart or anything else and it is not true, it is still not true. None of it. No matter how they insist it is true.
Yes, it can especially hurt coming from one's child but it is often more about how the child thinks about himself than about your true self. Does it hurt less to know this? For me, if I remember that I don't have red hair, yes.
I don't know if this helps everybody but remember this. Often anger causes hurt so the words that fly out of somebody's mouth are an attempt to fight back. We set an unexpected strong boundary to a child who has owned us for years or a mother we have always given into or a co-worker who makes us do most of the work. We say "no more." The anger they feel at being rebuffed, and especially from meek little us, turns into a verbally toxic vomit of lies from them that are meant to get back at us, but the words are untrue. And we know it. And that's all that matters. Expect them to keep it up for a long time. Perhaps forever. We all have the choice of not listening even if it is a beloved child
I have shared this with many. I now share it with you. I hope it helps.
I do not have red hair. I never will no matter if anyone insists that I do.
Some of you know how I am very spiritual and talk to and listen to my spiritual guides often. And some may think this is crazy (shrug,). I dont care how this is seen by others but to me I have received a strong message fromy main guide, a Native American man, telling me it is not healthy for me to either listen to or engage in name-calling. He has never steered me wrong. I am trying to be a good person. Negative energy stalls my path.
So all I am going to say is that I do not have red hair and if you don't and somebody says you do, try to understand that their insistence is from pain and that, most importantly, words do not make things true.
This was a peaceful thought for me...one I knew about for years but had to "hear" all over again as a refresher. Please take this in the good natured spirit in which it is intended. And if it resonates with you hold it in your heart for it is true. Words are not tangible and can not define anyone. And anger is negative energy.
Light and love
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