Yup! I knew it was coming....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Jul 9, 2013.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    difficult child was permanently terminated from SH today. I got a call from his caseworker before and shortly after difficult child called me completely freaking out. I could hear the rage and anger in his voice. He threatened to kill himself and they called the police. difficult child took off before they arrived and went to the OTA. They found him there but determined he's not a threat to himself or others so they didn't take him to the hospital. I mean here's a manic bipolar who hasn't taken his medications in weeks and is threatening to kill himself but no, he's not a threat. Really??!!?? Ugggggh!!!!!!

    So once again it's back square one. Bc difficult child essentially caused his own homelessness OTA is sanctioning him for 6 months and he will no longer receive food stamps or GA. There are no permanent housing options left for him either. He has literally burned every single bridge. I'm at a loss. I told him to go to the temp mission tonight and to think and let me think bc right now I have no magic answers or advice at all for him. I'm at a complete loss.
  2. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    So a mentally ill person is just supposed to be homeless without any food or anything???? I'm sorry for not know what SH or OTA is...I am truly sorry to hear of all of this. Can you talk to the caseworker and then her boss? This is an emergency, I wish I could say something great ....big hugs.
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy JKF, the other shoe has indeed dropped, ugh. I am sorry. I know that feeling so well. Can you call that woman who was helping him and ask her if she has any suggestions? Can he go to a shelter in another town? I wish I had some answers for you, but I don't. Keep us posted. I'm saying a prayer for you and your difficult child and sending you a big hug............
  4. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Well difficult child actually advocated for himself today. After he was kicked out of SH (Safe Haven) today he went directly to the OTA (Office of Temp Assistance) and talked with his caseworker. They are putting him up in a motel. He will have a psychiatric evaluation at MHA next Monday and if the psychiatrist deems him unable to live in a shelter due to his mental illness than OTA will continue to provide him with shelter and a eventually a housing voucher. The caseworker at MHA said it shouldn't be a problem bc it's clear difficult child can't live in a group home/shelter situation due to his mental illness and therefore he did not directly cause his own homelessness. So if this works out than this is the best thing that's happened in a long time. People are actually realizing how mentally ill he is and what he can and can't cope with. Please keep your fingers and toes crossed that this works out bc it could be a permanent long term solution to this nightmare!
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is excellent news! And, he advocated for himself, wow. I am crossing everything that this works out............hugs.........
  6. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thanks RE! I'm so scared to get my hopes up but it sounds like they all do realize he needs help. Otherwise they would not have put him up in a motel. He obviously can't cope in group living situations and needs individual housing with some kind of structured day program to keep him out of trouble. I really hope the psychiatrist agrees and deems him unsuitable for shelter living. In the meantime I'm going to breathe yet another sigh of relief and sleep like a brick tonight. Last night I had 3 consecutive very disturbing nightmares (no doubt brought on by stress!) and I'm exhausted!
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I recall you saying you like to get into bed with a good book, I love that too, so perhaps tonight, pamper yourself with a bath, a book, a real relaxing evening for Mom, go rest JKF, you deserve that............
  8. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Ok - so I just got off the phone with the caseworker at OTA. She explained again that they are putting difficult child up in the motel until he has his psychiatric evaluation on the 15th. If ,at that time, the psychiatrist deems him "unsuitable for shelter living" - (meaning his mental illness prevents him from being able to function in a shelter/group home setting) - the OTA will continue to house him. If not, than difficult child will be put back on the streets and sanctioned by OTA for 6 months (meaning no general assistance or foodstamps) bc he caused his own homelessness by getting kicked out of the shelter. So I'm praying that the psychiatric evaluation will go in difficult child's favor. Please continue to cross fingers and send good vibes that this will work out in difficult child's favor. If so, this will be a huge step in the right direction for him and maybe that will finally mean some peace in our lives as well.
  9. JKF - Wow! That got bad in a hurry. I am glad that difficult child advocated for himself, that is a small positive in all of this.

    Is there any way that you and his caseworker and maybe even someone from Safe Haven can provide the psychiatrist with written statements about difficult child's behaviour and his illness and why he is unable to live in the group home setting? It couldn't hurt and could certainly help push the evaluation in the correct direction. It's so hard to rely on mentally ill difficult child's to give the correct information required to a psychiatrist so that an appropriate evaluation can be made. They are mentally ill after all.

    Crossing fingers and toes here and saying a prayer for you and especially for difficult child that he can get permanent housing.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You and your difficult child will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers JKF that this works out to be in difficult child's best interests and that this is indeed that big step you so desire which is going in the right direction.........so you can all find peace.
  11. Winnielg

    Winnielg New Member

    I, too, am impressed that difficult child advocated for himself! Good luck - you will be in my thoughts
  12. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thank you all so much! difficult child seems like he's in good spirits. He's totally manic though but he's happy manic right now which is so much better than crazy raging manic. He's at the motel which is a complete hole in the wall but at least he's not on the streets.

    My best friend, who has known difficult child since he was born, stopped by the motel to bring him some dinner before. She said the sight of him broke her heart. She's a social worker and works with young adults exactly like difficult child and she's usually very hardened to this kind of thing. She sees it everyday. But today it hit home. She said knowing that he's mentally ill and homeless is one thing but SEEING him in that state killed her.

    I'm going there in the morning to bring him some food and give him a little money to do laundry. I'm going to continue to offer love and support but I will not enable. I'm convinced now more than ever that if I continue to hold my ground and stay firm he will wind up better off in the long run.
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You're a really good mom JKF.........under the very worst conditions possible for you, you just continue to show up, figure out what to do next, do it, find resources, step back, learn the tools, go through your heartache and then do it all over again...........and you do it all with love, I know that, we all know that and most importantly, your difficult child knows that too. No matter what, he knows that. I am very proud of you for how you handle all of it. I know how it is, I live in this world too, so I know the anguish. You're doing a wonderful job. And, it's really, really hard. Just know that tonight when you put your head down on the pillow, you did everything you could today, as you do every single day. And, you're doing the right thing too. You always do your best.......... and you know what......... it is ENOUGH...............hugs...........
  14. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thank you RE - as always - for your kind caring words! It means the world to me!

    I went this morning to drop off food for difficult child. To say the motel is a dump is a huge understatement. It's horrible. I can't believe they allow people to stay there much less be PLACED there by OTA. Omg - I'm having a panic attack just thinking about that room.

    I called the MHA worker and told her I'm thankful that difficult child has shelter and SO thankful for her help but I also expressed my dismay at the conditions of this place. She said she knows and she agrees 100% but it's the only place that was available on such short notice. She said she's working on getting him out of there ASAP but most likely it won't happen until after his psychiatric evaluation on Monday.

    difficult child doesn't seem to think it's so bad. He's happy to have a place to stay. I, however, am absolutely horrified and feel like the worst mother in the world. I will NEVER get the image of that room out of my head! Ugggg!
  15. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    How does your son do when he is alone, JKF?

    Our daughter was approved for housing, too. She needs to wait for something to open up, but believes she will have somewhere before winter. Our concern is that this all happened ~ the bad people, the drugs and alcohol ~ when she was in her own apartment. We wonder what is to keep them all from moving in with her, again.

    Will there be some kind of support system for your son if he is in an apartment on his own?

  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh JKF, just remember, HE is there, not you....... and I know from experience, how they perceive their environments is absolutely, totally and remarkably different then what we perceive. He is happy to be off the streets, that's what he's comparing it with, plus he is by himself, no one to butt heads with. You, on the other hand, likely have a beautiful, cozy, clean and enviable home which you are comparing that room with........don't do it, where he is staying has nothing to do with you, you got him shelter, you called the MHA, you did all you can do. He is probably thrilled he gets to stay there for the weekend! Be comforted that you found him a place and that there are others working to get him help now. You've done all you can do for the moment. Turn your focus towards yourself, your easy child and your husband and have a good evening with them.... ......you deserve that.
  17. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Hi wtw - somehow I missed your post on my phone. I'm sorry! It's so hard to reply on that thing. Anyway - I think any recommendations or help from Safe Haven are out of the question. When difficult child was kicked out he told his caseworker there off. He told me the things he said to her and OMG! He definitely burned that bridge. However, his caseworker from the MHA is going to speak to the doctor. The doctor is associated with the MHA itself so she feels like he will agree with her that difficult child can't live in a shelter and that it will all go in his favor. I'm praying it works out but so scared to get my hopes up!
  18. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Barbara - he does surprisingly well on his own. Much better than when he has someone breathing down his neck telling him what to do. He can't handle that and that's when the rage kicks in. So on his own is definitely better than in a group living situation! If he does get an apartment he will still be working with the MHA and they will help him with finding day programs and monitor his dr appts and medications so that's a relief.

    I'm happy to hear your daughter was approved for housing and I pray that she will see it as a new opportunity and hopefully the old behaviors will be left behind. It's so hard when WE see what needs to be done in order for them to succeed but THEY don't. So heartbreaking and frustrating!
  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand totally. Kind of a funny story that only a parent of a difficult child can understand . . .

    I have recently started watching the television show The Walking Dead. I had never seen it before and started watching it on Netflix a few days ago and have watched it almost non-stop to get through the first three seasons. It also helped to take my mind off my difficult child's latest crisis.

    Well, yesterday morning I was dreaming about Zombies and as I woke up I remembered my difficult child's situation and tried to make myself go back to sleep and start dreaming about Zombies again. Yup, I would rather be in a nightmare about Zombies than be awake thinking about my difficult child.

    I hope you can sleep better now that you know he has a roof over his head and someone to help with his situation. Again, I am amazed at the services that state offers the mentally ill.

  20. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I know RE. I need to separate myself from the situation. It is HIM who is there and HE's ok with it. I'M not but it's not ME who is there. Yes, my house is cozy and clean. I wouldn't say it's spotless (sometimes laundry isn't put away and there's occasionally a dish or two in the sink) but I'm a big fan of things being clean. This motel room was NOT! And honestly, neither is difficult child. Clean doesn't matter to him. It never has. I don't know if it's part of being mentally ill or a boy or what but he's ok with filth. Uggggh!

    It's funny because seeing that room today reminded me of how my mother must have felt visiting me for the first time when I moved out of my house at 19. I grew up in a nice middle class suburban family but my ex came from a very dysfunctional, inner city family. Back then - being so young and naive - I thought that was "cool". Ugggh. Anyway - after I moved down there my mother came to visit. I'll never forget the look of devastation on her face when she walked into that 3rd floor, roach infested, paint peeling, hole in the wall for the first time. She didn't say anything because she wasn't like that. She was kind and supportive but I will never forget that initial look on her face. I felt exactly like that today.