Sleepless_&_Distraught
New Member
Hi all... I am in a unique situation and am totally going through very similar emotions as others I've read on here, as a result of a soon to be 16-year old girl.
When this girl was 8-years old, she was in my intervention class, although she was brilliant. At the time, we were on year-round calendar - so the kids would go to school for 3 months and have one month off. This one month off was like having a summer/spring/winter break; the kids who were not performing at grade level would come see me during this time (like a summer school class) for 2 weeks. This little girl would come to my class because her mother also has another daughter that is younger who was a mute autistic, and a very difficult toddler (the little sister is beginning to speak fragmented phrases, now).
They are Vietnamese and the parents have limited English skills. The parents have done the best they can with only the dad working 12 hours a day - 6 days a week, making minimum wage at best, while mom takes care of the girls. They live in a mobile home park in a 1 bedroom/1 bath, maybe 700 sf unit.
Anyway, let me call this smart 8-year old (3rd grader), "Elsa." I then went on to teach an after school reading club which Elsa also joined... and when I began teaching Sunday School, even though she was not of the same religion at the time, she came every Sunday for the 5 years I taught at the Christian Church I belonged to... now taking her to 8th grade.
I am single, not yet married, no previous kids of my own and live in the home I grew up in with (sometimes) my parents, who are in their 70's, married 56 yrs., coming back to the main house to check on other rental properties they own, me, collect mail, etc. They live in a water front property on an island connected by a bridge to the main land.
I have grown up privileged.
When "Elsa" was in 8th grade, I learned about a mother/daughter philanthropic group, and since Elsa was an outstanding student 4.0+ GPA, and over the years we had become much closer, I asked her mother if I could take guardianship over her to participate in this group even though we were coming into it a little late (her parents don't have the means, or the time commitment because of the autistic daughter). I would pay all financial costs and do the community service with Elsa.
Because Elsa is so bright, I wanted to open up a bit of the world to her and allow her experiences & travel she would never have the opportunity to experience otherwise. She has been a wonderful kid-- kind, helpful, a joyful sense of willingness, a spirit of cooperation and learning most importantly, how to give back -- which I am so very proud of even though she has grown up with very little.
Two summers ago, prior to her turning 15, we began having some issues.
Some of her friends were bad-mouthing me, which I pay no heed to as I felt they were envious of Elsa's situation and were trying to test her loyalties. Elsa made some stupid choices listening to her friends... and I call it like I see it. Months later, Elsa, got her first dose of reality that her so-called best friend, was not really a friend at all. Certain people would like to see Elsa fall, pull her down, keeping her at the level where in most cases she actually would belong in. Eventually she realized this and brought loyalty back to me, telling me that I was right all along and how betrayed she felt from this bff.
Anyway... (I'm sorry this is so long...) there was a boy in this group (those darn boys), who came from a broken home. Mom has some adiction issues and is on her 4th or 5th relationship. The kids don't have adequate food in the house, and rarely get new shoes or clothes. One of the local High Schools has a thrift store on campus where kids who qualify can come shopping for free & get whatever they need: new underwear, new shoes, new & gently used school clothes, prom dresses, suits, accessories, etc. Elsa has taken this boy there. Mind you, Elsa also qualifies for this service (even though it is one of our charities we assist with). Because she and this boy were becoming more entrenched, we of course... had "the talk."
Elsa's own parents aren't that strong discipline-wise & Elsa is much louder in voice & smart in reasoning (they think they know it all at '15'), and has had some altercations with her mom pushing her & locking her out of the mobile home; shouting at her mom where the mom has called the police as she didn't know how to solve the problem. Mom was an orphan growing up, and then a refugee coming to America in the 1990's. She doesn't have a knowledgeable base of family life since she herself never properly had this experience growing up; and there is no manual on raising kids, esp. teenagers.
However, this mother gives 150% of herself to her kids everyday showing her love by doing so they can be happy.
Anyway... back to "the talk."
Since Elsa was such a good student & deemed trustworthy, she promised she would make sure the boy would respect her "no," if the subject of sex or fondling ever came up... but with these teenage movies, sex is sensationalized, & promises were not kept.
The boy was supposed to move away this past March & I was so excited that he would be somewhat out of the picture as I felt he was not a good influence on her. He's a sweet boy, weak student, but polite.... and then!! the mother of Elsa caught them having sex in their one bedroom home with the door open while the tutor was over for the autistic sister. What a big Bru Ha Ha this was!!
I didn't believe the mom when she told me, me defending Elsa's honor once again, but when I confronted Elsa, she was honest and told me the truth but wouldn't answer how many times they had done this or when was the first time. I was devastated. My only consolation was the boy was going to be moving away during spring break. Sadly the the boy's mother decided not to move in with the new boyfriend.
I shared my disappointment with Elsa, deemed her untrustworthy, not so much for having sex, yes, I am sad her innocence is gone, but more for the lying & justifying that it's okay. I told her it is not ok. I am a benefactor to this girl by choice. I have no obligation to her or her family. I was instrumental in getting the proper services for the younger child which I am happy about, because it has made the mother's life so much easier... and then roles reverse... Elsa is being a difficult teenager!
I shared my disappointment with my own mother, who still 5 months later has not forgiven Elsa, and has told me that Elsa is no longer welcome at our home down at the beach or in this house here (esp. when they are in town).
Her dishonesty brought up the discussion whether we should continue doing our service league, as it is expensive. Elsa donated 210 hours to different charities this past 10th grade year and maintained being in the top 30 of her 524 student body high school class.
The boy & she both promised they would not fool around any longer. She has already received an Urinary Tract Infection earlier this year, much to my naivety.
Promises again were made (although unrealistic) & I agreed to continue doing our charitable organization work, even agreeing to allow the boy to come and help assist in the month long Haunted House fundraiser event in October that we do. That is now out of the question. He is welcome to come, but will need to find his own transportation.
Elsa is taking 3 AP classes, Spanish 3, PE, and piano and had lots of HW to complete over the summer. The boy was away at his grandparents most of the summer & things were calm. School started this past Wednesday. 11th grade.
I never have asked anything in return for myself from Elsa. What I do expect is that she keep up her grades putting excellence in her work, and being nice to her mom --honoring her parents. And hopefully making good choices.
I feel blessed having her in my life & her energy/spirit/personality meld so well with mine. Elsa has many of the traits I could only hope for and imagine in a daughter of my own. Instead, I am like Elsa'a God mommy for I feel that it was God putting Elsa in my life. She pursued me, which is where my delimma comes in.
Yesterday, her mother texted me & asked if she could come up to the house - alone.
I shared with her mom, that Elsa was curious about tasting alcohol - the kid is still 15. My father was a wholesale wine & spirits distributor and although we are only social drinkers - I barely drink, we have lots of liquor in the house.
I wouldn't mind giving her a taste test of different spirits - make it really yucky so she won't be interested in drinking, but as a teacher and me not being her mother & how kids talk... I'm not willing to forfeit my job for her. She's already told me she's had a rum drink (daiquiri?) over at a friend's house. I like the girl, but the dad is too friendly & since Elsa rarely sees her dad, I think she craves/loves that male attention... which brings us back to the boy.
Elsa mom keeps a very tidy house. On Tuesday when she was changing the bed linens, she found a used condom & its packaging behind the bed... the condom was stuck to the wall. Elsa's mom took a picture and sent it both to the boy & to Elsa, asking what this was. Told the boy he is no longer welcome in her home - he was banned from the house for many months, but this past July the mom allowed him to come over again... just to break trust once more. He apoligized again & knows he blew it. Elsa texted back to her mom that that was a condom and yes they had sex on Monday. No fights this time around. Elsa's mom and dad are broken-hearted. No loud words, just Elsa's mom being very quiet. Elsa wants her mom to talk to her, but there are no words to express the sadness or dissapointment one feels.
Elsa's mom just bought her an iPhone 6+ as an early 16th birthday present, which I think I will need to confiscate since her parents won't do it & I'll replace it with one of those limited calling throw away phones... we have a month before the 16th birthday.
I feel like smashing Elsa in the face, shaking her to wake up. I have such apathy for her once again... here I am trying to raise her up and she continues to keep herself in the world of the low lifes.
I was spanked as a child when we did really naughty things... put on restriction, privileges taken away. Elsa has never been disciplined for bad behavior. She has been such a good kid until these past 2 years.
I have asked Elsa what some of her nice friends' parents would think if they knew Elsa was already having sex... I think she thinks this is considered acceptable.
Shall we find out? Will there be consequences there?
I feel like completely cutting all ties off with this girl - but then I think, here I am trying to teach her charity, how to have honorable conduct, and since I am a Christian - Jesus didn't walk away & abandon me (us) even though I am far from perfect. Instead He chose to love & by his grace show kindness, forgiveness & redemption... unconditionally loving me.
That is what I chose for this first go-round. I took a deep breath, shed many tears and chose to continue to love... but now this second time, I'm once again at such a loss.
The other evening when she was here, a thought popped into my head -- that I have to be very cautious about our alcohol, esp. since she is asking questions about it lately... how easy it is to hide a bottle in a school backpack. Her no longer being trustworthy by me. Where would that thought even come from? I have never thought this way around her, ever.
One of the mom's in our organization reads all the instagram posts of the different girls (which I don't - I have just warned Elsa to be mindful of stuff she posts... as stupid things/pictures/bad words/comments can haunt her for future scholarships/jobs) and had the audacity to tell me that Elsa will get pregnant in High School (this was prior to Christmas 2015). I defended Elsa's honor & to this day my relationship with that mom is still altered, and it's being felt by the other moms in our group making our meetings uncomfortable.
I can't believe my beautiful, empathetic, book-smart Asian daughter can be that stupid to willingly want to throw away her very promising future. I shouldn't care... she'll still have a future, just different; one without me.
In the end, it is her choice.
Life goes on... a little lonelier, but life goes on.
Any advice/thoughts as how to proceed??
Like many other parents, I'm at a loss, confused, can't sleep & truly distraught.
Thank you. all.
When this girl was 8-years old, she was in my intervention class, although she was brilliant. At the time, we were on year-round calendar - so the kids would go to school for 3 months and have one month off. This one month off was like having a summer/spring/winter break; the kids who were not performing at grade level would come see me during this time (like a summer school class) for 2 weeks. This little girl would come to my class because her mother also has another daughter that is younger who was a mute autistic, and a very difficult toddler (the little sister is beginning to speak fragmented phrases, now).
They are Vietnamese and the parents have limited English skills. The parents have done the best they can with only the dad working 12 hours a day - 6 days a week, making minimum wage at best, while mom takes care of the girls. They live in a mobile home park in a 1 bedroom/1 bath, maybe 700 sf unit.
Anyway, let me call this smart 8-year old (3rd grader), "Elsa." I then went on to teach an after school reading club which Elsa also joined... and when I began teaching Sunday School, even though she was not of the same religion at the time, she came every Sunday for the 5 years I taught at the Christian Church I belonged to... now taking her to 8th grade.
I am single, not yet married, no previous kids of my own and live in the home I grew up in with (sometimes) my parents, who are in their 70's, married 56 yrs., coming back to the main house to check on other rental properties they own, me, collect mail, etc. They live in a water front property on an island connected by a bridge to the main land.
I have grown up privileged.
When "Elsa" was in 8th grade, I learned about a mother/daughter philanthropic group, and since Elsa was an outstanding student 4.0+ GPA, and over the years we had become much closer, I asked her mother if I could take guardianship over her to participate in this group even though we were coming into it a little late (her parents don't have the means, or the time commitment because of the autistic daughter). I would pay all financial costs and do the community service with Elsa.
Because Elsa is so bright, I wanted to open up a bit of the world to her and allow her experiences & travel she would never have the opportunity to experience otherwise. She has been a wonderful kid-- kind, helpful, a joyful sense of willingness, a spirit of cooperation and learning most importantly, how to give back -- which I am so very proud of even though she has grown up with very little.
Two summers ago, prior to her turning 15, we began having some issues.
Some of her friends were bad-mouthing me, which I pay no heed to as I felt they were envious of Elsa's situation and were trying to test her loyalties. Elsa made some stupid choices listening to her friends... and I call it like I see it. Months later, Elsa, got her first dose of reality that her so-called best friend, was not really a friend at all. Certain people would like to see Elsa fall, pull her down, keeping her at the level where in most cases she actually would belong in. Eventually she realized this and brought loyalty back to me, telling me that I was right all along and how betrayed she felt from this bff.
Anyway... (I'm sorry this is so long...) there was a boy in this group (those darn boys), who came from a broken home. Mom has some adiction issues and is on her 4th or 5th relationship. The kids don't have adequate food in the house, and rarely get new shoes or clothes. One of the local High Schools has a thrift store on campus where kids who qualify can come shopping for free & get whatever they need: new underwear, new shoes, new & gently used school clothes, prom dresses, suits, accessories, etc. Elsa has taken this boy there. Mind you, Elsa also qualifies for this service (even though it is one of our charities we assist with). Because she and this boy were becoming more entrenched, we of course... had "the talk."
Elsa's own parents aren't that strong discipline-wise & Elsa is much louder in voice & smart in reasoning (they think they know it all at '15'), and has had some altercations with her mom pushing her & locking her out of the mobile home; shouting at her mom where the mom has called the police as she didn't know how to solve the problem. Mom was an orphan growing up, and then a refugee coming to America in the 1990's. She doesn't have a knowledgeable base of family life since she herself never properly had this experience growing up; and there is no manual on raising kids, esp. teenagers.
However, this mother gives 150% of herself to her kids everyday showing her love by doing so they can be happy.
Anyway... back to "the talk."
Since Elsa was such a good student & deemed trustworthy, she promised she would make sure the boy would respect her "no," if the subject of sex or fondling ever came up... but with these teenage movies, sex is sensationalized, & promises were not kept.
The boy was supposed to move away this past March & I was so excited that he would be somewhat out of the picture as I felt he was not a good influence on her. He's a sweet boy, weak student, but polite.... and then!! the mother of Elsa caught them having sex in their one bedroom home with the door open while the tutor was over for the autistic sister. What a big Bru Ha Ha this was!!
I didn't believe the mom when she told me, me defending Elsa's honor once again, but when I confronted Elsa, she was honest and told me the truth but wouldn't answer how many times they had done this or when was the first time. I was devastated. My only consolation was the boy was going to be moving away during spring break. Sadly the the boy's mother decided not to move in with the new boyfriend.
I shared my disappointment with Elsa, deemed her untrustworthy, not so much for having sex, yes, I am sad her innocence is gone, but more for the lying & justifying that it's okay. I told her it is not ok. I am a benefactor to this girl by choice. I have no obligation to her or her family. I was instrumental in getting the proper services for the younger child which I am happy about, because it has made the mother's life so much easier... and then roles reverse... Elsa is being a difficult teenager!
I shared my disappointment with my own mother, who still 5 months later has not forgiven Elsa, and has told me that Elsa is no longer welcome at our home down at the beach or in this house here (esp. when they are in town).
Her dishonesty brought up the discussion whether we should continue doing our service league, as it is expensive. Elsa donated 210 hours to different charities this past 10th grade year and maintained being in the top 30 of her 524 student body high school class.
The boy & she both promised they would not fool around any longer. She has already received an Urinary Tract Infection earlier this year, much to my naivety.
Promises again were made (although unrealistic) & I agreed to continue doing our charitable organization work, even agreeing to allow the boy to come and help assist in the month long Haunted House fundraiser event in October that we do. That is now out of the question. He is welcome to come, but will need to find his own transportation.
Elsa is taking 3 AP classes, Spanish 3, PE, and piano and had lots of HW to complete over the summer. The boy was away at his grandparents most of the summer & things were calm. School started this past Wednesday. 11th grade.
I never have asked anything in return for myself from Elsa. What I do expect is that she keep up her grades putting excellence in her work, and being nice to her mom --honoring her parents. And hopefully making good choices.
I feel blessed having her in my life & her energy/spirit/personality meld so well with mine. Elsa has many of the traits I could only hope for and imagine in a daughter of my own. Instead, I am like Elsa'a God mommy for I feel that it was God putting Elsa in my life. She pursued me, which is where my delimma comes in.
Yesterday, her mother texted me & asked if she could come up to the house - alone.
I shared with her mom, that Elsa was curious about tasting alcohol - the kid is still 15. My father was a wholesale wine & spirits distributor and although we are only social drinkers - I barely drink, we have lots of liquor in the house.
I wouldn't mind giving her a taste test of different spirits - make it really yucky so she won't be interested in drinking, but as a teacher and me not being her mother & how kids talk... I'm not willing to forfeit my job for her. She's already told me she's had a rum drink (daiquiri?) over at a friend's house. I like the girl, but the dad is too friendly & since Elsa rarely sees her dad, I think she craves/loves that male attention... which brings us back to the boy.
Elsa mom keeps a very tidy house. On Tuesday when she was changing the bed linens, she found a used condom & its packaging behind the bed... the condom was stuck to the wall. Elsa's mom took a picture and sent it both to the boy & to Elsa, asking what this was. Told the boy he is no longer welcome in her home - he was banned from the house for many months, but this past July the mom allowed him to come over again... just to break trust once more. He apoligized again & knows he blew it. Elsa texted back to her mom that that was a condom and yes they had sex on Monday. No fights this time around. Elsa's mom and dad are broken-hearted. No loud words, just Elsa's mom being very quiet. Elsa wants her mom to talk to her, but there are no words to express the sadness or dissapointment one feels.
Elsa's mom just bought her an iPhone 6+ as an early 16th birthday present, which I think I will need to confiscate since her parents won't do it & I'll replace it with one of those limited calling throw away phones... we have a month before the 16th birthday.
I feel like smashing Elsa in the face, shaking her to wake up. I have such apathy for her once again... here I am trying to raise her up and she continues to keep herself in the world of the low lifes.
I was spanked as a child when we did really naughty things... put on restriction, privileges taken away. Elsa has never been disciplined for bad behavior. She has been such a good kid until these past 2 years.
I have asked Elsa what some of her nice friends' parents would think if they knew Elsa was already having sex... I think she thinks this is considered acceptable.
Shall we find out? Will there be consequences there?
I feel like completely cutting all ties off with this girl - but then I think, here I am trying to teach her charity, how to have honorable conduct, and since I am a Christian - Jesus didn't walk away & abandon me (us) even though I am far from perfect. Instead He chose to love & by his grace show kindness, forgiveness & redemption... unconditionally loving me.
That is what I chose for this first go-round. I took a deep breath, shed many tears and chose to continue to love... but now this second time, I'm once again at such a loss.
The other evening when she was here, a thought popped into my head -- that I have to be very cautious about our alcohol, esp. since she is asking questions about it lately... how easy it is to hide a bottle in a school backpack. Her no longer being trustworthy by me. Where would that thought even come from? I have never thought this way around her, ever.
One of the mom's in our organization reads all the instagram posts of the different girls (which I don't - I have just warned Elsa to be mindful of stuff she posts... as stupid things/pictures/bad words/comments can haunt her for future scholarships/jobs) and had the audacity to tell me that Elsa will get pregnant in High School (this was prior to Christmas 2015). I defended Elsa's honor & to this day my relationship with that mom is still altered, and it's being felt by the other moms in our group making our meetings uncomfortable.
I can't believe my beautiful, empathetic, book-smart Asian daughter can be that stupid to willingly want to throw away her very promising future. I shouldn't care... she'll still have a future, just different; one without me.
In the end, it is her choice.
Life goes on... a little lonelier, but life goes on.
Any advice/thoughts as how to proceed??
Like many other parents, I'm at a loss, confused, can't sleep & truly distraught.
Thank you. all.
