Welcome to the forum! I have to say that when I read your post, my first thought was "Wow, someone who writes as much as I do!" This is a wonderful resource when you have a difficult child. I have been here over a decade. This site was more help than most of the doctors/therapists/whatever-apists we took my son to. It not only helped me cope, it gave me ideas and avenues to explore to find effective help for my son when he was a minor. I hope this site provides the comfort, friendship and wisdom for you that I found here.
Your daughter reminds me of my cousin B. B was another brother to me for many years. He was at our house as much as he was at his. Our moms are best friends and did a lot together when they lived close to each other. Aunt M worked herself to the bone to provide a good life for him. B's dad often didn't pay child support, and did many awful things (like tearing up the school picture that B sent and sending the torn bits back to him in an Easter card!). Aunt M worked 2 and sometimes 3 jobs to provide for B. She NEVER said a bad word about B's dad where B could possibly hear it. B was often either with us or Aunt M's parents while Aunt M was working. B resented that his mother was always working and never there for this or that event that he wanted her to attend. He spent many years being angry and ungrateful. B got better Christmas and birthday presents than my brother and I did. His mother bought them because she wanted him to have nice things. As a teen, he even had his own mobile home right next to hers on some property his grandparents owned. He always had the latest electronic gadget or stereo, etc.... He resented her anyway. Nothing made a dent in his anger and resentment, not even family counseling.
Then he and his wife had a baby. That changed a LOT. He had to walk a few miles in his mother's shoes to provide for his baby. He often had to work 2 jobs and juggle that around his wife's schedule. He saw how hard it was financially and emotionally to raise children. He also spent some time with his father. His father said awful things about his mother. The idiot father also bragged about how much money he saved by not paying child support for months on end. All of this (and some cold hard truths from my mother), helped him stop being so angry with his mother. He saw that his mother provided the most stable childhood she could, that he never missed a meal, never had to go without lunch at school, always had what he needed clothing wise, even if some of it came from thrift stores and yard sales. He realized his mom was gone so much because she got paid so little and HAD to work 2-3 jobs to keep B in clothing, pay various medical bills (B was an accident-prone adrenaline junky!), and provide everything he needed and a whole lot of his wants. It made a big difference.
Your daughter may wake up and realize that you did the best you could with what you knew. Working on detachment and setting good boundaries will help you cope with her. She won't like it if you set boundaries, but if you stick with it she will adjust. The book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend is wonderful! It really explains boundaries and how/why to set and enforce them.
Welcome to the community!