An AS man wrote these excellent tips for parents, I am posting them with his permission.
1. Keep a sense of humor. Seek to enjoy, not to scream.
2. Celebrate the aspie childâs humor, creativity, and passion.
3. Remember that a child with asperger`s is still a child with thoughts and feelings, and that you are the adult this child looks to for support and guidance.
4. You do not have a standard child. You can view the issue as a disability. Or, you can view it as wonderful uniqueness. Or, you can view it as both. The perspective of âstandard,â though, is not an option. This "disability outlook" will help because it eliminates blame; sets reasonable expectations thereby minimizing anger; and points the way for parents/teachers to see themselves as "therapists" not victims.
5. Recognize that attention issues in the child are only the tip of the iceberg that the whole family must address.
6. The âpatientâ in Asperger`s is the whole family.
7. Remember that children with Asperger`s have two time frames: âNow,â and âHuh.â There is no future. There is only now. The past is non-negotiable.
8. Do you want to understand the aspie`s actions? Just ask yourself: âWhat behavior would make sense if you only had 4 seconds to live?â
9. Instead of punishing wrong behavior, set a reward for the correct behavior you would rather replace it with. Rewards should be immediate, frequent, powerful, clearly defined, and consistent. Also remember that a behavior always gets stronger before it changes.
10. Plan ahead. Give warnings before transitions. Discuss in advance what is expected, and what the results might be. Have the child repeat out loud the terms he just agreed to.
11. Donât argue; nag; or attempt unsolicited and spontaneous transplants of your wisdom to your child. Instead, either a) decide that the issue is aggravating but not significant enough to warrant intervention; or b) make an appointment with your child to discuss the issue.
12. Head off big fights before they begin. Seek to diffuse, not to inflame. When tempers flare, allow everyone to cool off. Serious discussion can only occur during times of composure.
13. Especially with teens, negotiate, negotiate, and negotiate. Parents need to model negotiation, not inflexibility. Donât worry about losing control: the parent always gets to decide when negotiation is over and which compromise is accepted. Remember: negative behaviors usually occur because the aspie is spinning out of control, not because he is evil. While evil behavior would need to be aggressively squelched, the much more common overwhelmed behavior needs to be calmly defused.
14. Pick your fights. Is the issue at hand worth chipping away at your relationship with your child? Can your child really control the offending behavior at this moment?
15. Although it is not the childâs âfault,â he will still ultimately be the one to take the consequences of his behavior. It will help your child if you can explain the consequences clearly and logically when your child is able to listen.
16. This is hard work. It is also hard work for your child.
17. You will make it through this; you have no choice.
18. âThe children who need love the most will always ask for it in the most unloving ways.â [Words of a teacher quoted by Russell Barkley.]
19. If it is working, keep doing it. If not, do something else.
20. Barkley implores you to forgive your child and yourself nightly. You didnât ask to live with the effects of Asperger`s any more than did your child.
21. Review this text, and others, periodically. You are going to forget this stuff, and different principles will likely be needed at different stages. A good way to remember to review is by subscription to some of the free monthly newsletters on Asperger`s.
22. Steven Covey (The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) suggests imagining your child delivering your eulogy. What do you want him to say about you? Keep those bigger goals in mind as you choose your interactions/reactions to your child.
23. This is not a contest with your child. The winner is not the one with more points. The winner is the one whose child still loves them when they graduate from high school.
Elise
1. Keep a sense of humor. Seek to enjoy, not to scream.
2. Celebrate the aspie childâs humor, creativity, and passion.
3. Remember that a child with asperger`s is still a child with thoughts and feelings, and that you are the adult this child looks to for support and guidance.
4. You do not have a standard child. You can view the issue as a disability. Or, you can view it as wonderful uniqueness. Or, you can view it as both. The perspective of âstandard,â though, is not an option. This "disability outlook" will help because it eliminates blame; sets reasonable expectations thereby minimizing anger; and points the way for parents/teachers to see themselves as "therapists" not victims.
5. Recognize that attention issues in the child are only the tip of the iceberg that the whole family must address.
6. The âpatientâ in Asperger`s is the whole family.
7. Remember that children with Asperger`s have two time frames: âNow,â and âHuh.â There is no future. There is only now. The past is non-negotiable.
8. Do you want to understand the aspie`s actions? Just ask yourself: âWhat behavior would make sense if you only had 4 seconds to live?â
9. Instead of punishing wrong behavior, set a reward for the correct behavior you would rather replace it with. Rewards should be immediate, frequent, powerful, clearly defined, and consistent. Also remember that a behavior always gets stronger before it changes.
10. Plan ahead. Give warnings before transitions. Discuss in advance what is expected, and what the results might be. Have the child repeat out loud the terms he just agreed to.
11. Donât argue; nag; or attempt unsolicited and spontaneous transplants of your wisdom to your child. Instead, either a) decide that the issue is aggravating but not significant enough to warrant intervention; or b) make an appointment with your child to discuss the issue.
12. Head off big fights before they begin. Seek to diffuse, not to inflame. When tempers flare, allow everyone to cool off. Serious discussion can only occur during times of composure.
13. Especially with teens, negotiate, negotiate, and negotiate. Parents need to model negotiation, not inflexibility. Donât worry about losing control: the parent always gets to decide when negotiation is over and which compromise is accepted. Remember: negative behaviors usually occur because the aspie is spinning out of control, not because he is evil. While evil behavior would need to be aggressively squelched, the much more common overwhelmed behavior needs to be calmly defused.
14. Pick your fights. Is the issue at hand worth chipping away at your relationship with your child? Can your child really control the offending behavior at this moment?
15. Although it is not the childâs âfault,â he will still ultimately be the one to take the consequences of his behavior. It will help your child if you can explain the consequences clearly and logically when your child is able to listen.
16. This is hard work. It is also hard work for your child.
17. You will make it through this; you have no choice.
18. âThe children who need love the most will always ask for it in the most unloving ways.â [Words of a teacher quoted by Russell Barkley.]
19. If it is working, keep doing it. If not, do something else.
20. Barkley implores you to forgive your child and yourself nightly. You didnât ask to live with the effects of Asperger`s any more than did your child.
21. Review this text, and others, periodically. You are going to forget this stuff, and different principles will likely be needed at different stages. A good way to remember to review is by subscription to some of the free monthly newsletters on Asperger`s.
22. Steven Covey (The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) suggests imagining your child delivering your eulogy. What do you want him to say about you? Keep those bigger goals in mind as you choose your interactions/reactions to your child.
23. This is not a contest with your child. The winner is not the one with more points. The winner is the one whose child still loves them when they graduate from high school.
Elise
anic: 
