Daughter 37 about to be homeless

[Mcmary]

My daughter has been living off a divorce settlement for 7 years..either sponging at her dad's house or, when he kicked her out, living unsuccessfully in a shared place...she never gets along even when she has a good thing going. She hasn't worked in 6 years and, if she even is looking, she's not getting interviews much less offers. I really don't see her much since I now live 800 miles away. She seldom calls and evenore seldom returns my call. I think she lies in her bed or plays on her iPad all day. She's a slob and a very negative person. I hate being around her..in fact, I sent her packing 2 days early the last time I flew her here to visit.
Well, she's now broke and in about a month or two will be homeless and will have burned her friend who is letting her rent from her. She has few friends. She's a stunningly beautiful woman but a slob
She has always been one who lays around so I can't say for sure she is depressed. She is worried and scared. I don't know that there is a mental illness issue..she's seen a few therapists over the years
They sometimes prescribed antidepressants but they never have an effect. She says therapy doesn't help.
So, her dad is done with helping her . I know she wants to move in with my husband and I but we will be miserable and won't even be able to go on vacation because he feels she isn't trustworthy in our home alone. And we'll never be able to get rid of her.
Yet I can't bear the idea of my beautiful daughter living on the streets. There is no addiction involved, or children involved which means there is very little help out there for her.
I am besides myself with anxiety. How do I find a therapist to help me know what to do? Even if I do let her hit rock bottom, do I let her stay that way living in the streets. How do I live with my guilt and, if I let her move here,how do I keep my sanity around her when she makes me furious just to see her lazing around. And, I suspect my marriage won't last if she's here either. Is it wrong to dislike your own kid?
I see something about coda groups and I don't feel like I enable her but maybe I just need to go anyway.
Thanks

 

[A dad]

Well let her hit rock bottom she is adult and needs to deal with consequences herself.
But to give you some hope as far as difficult children are concerned she is not that bad.

 

[BusynMember]

I agree. She is 37. You arent mommy anymore and she is grown up and not growing up. I wouldnt give up your peace and marriage just to have her abuse you and not work at her age. You can give her a list of homeless shelters, social services address (she may qualify for social security disability and other services) and food pantries.

At her age, and I have a 39 year old son who cant live with me again, I would not give up all you have for a middle age women. You cant live forever. Then what?

You deserve to drive off into the sunset with hubby in the golden years. He will be there for you. She wont. You matter too. Only your daighter can make herself better. Sounds like she burns all her bridges. Its not that nobody helped her. It is that she refuses to do one thing to help herself, even act decently.

Dont be guilty. Its your time now.

 

[susiestar]

There is a reason she has burned her bridges with her friends, and why no one wants her to live with them. It is way past time for her to live with the consequences of her actions.

YES. By this I mean you DO need to let her be homeless. She needs to feel that struggle and to go through that so that she experiences the consequences of not trying to help herself, of not grabbing on when someone offers her a helping hand. Or not working with someone when they try to help. She cannot rely on others to do all the work for her for the rest of her life, at some point she has to do the work for herself.

Often we parents help more than we should out of a sense of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, or FOG. How can we bear to let our beautiful children live like that, experience that? That is the Guilt and Fear. Don't we owe our children more than that? No, we don't. Not at all. CODA groups can really help with this, help you truly understand the role that this plays in keeping both you AND you child stuck. Because this FOG keeps everyone stuck, not just Mommy.

Your daughter is raised. She is a grown woman capable of having her own grown children. She is more than capable of being a GRANDMOTHER!!! I know she will forever be your baby girl, because our children are always our babies, but it is time to let her be the adult that she really is. Let her stand on her own two feet, or not stand on them as the case may be. Until she actually has nowhere to go, you won't know how well or how poorly she does.

Take advantage of being 800 miles away. Stay hands off. Do NOT offer to move her to your area. Tell her it is an inopportune time right now. You don't need to give a reason, just say that this isn't something you can do right now. If she does it on her own, she is on her own because you cannot help her if she shows up on your doorstep. Prepare yourself for that. Practice what to say if she should show up wanting to stay with you. Rehearse saying "No" firmly but nicely to her. Or not so nicely as you may need to be more forceful and direct.

Look up the residency laws in your state and make super sure that she does NOT stay in your home long enough to qualify for residency. I am NOT joking here. In the past members have not been aware of residency laws and then have allowed a difficult family member to spend as little as one night in their home. Then they had to go through a legal eviction process including a 30 day notice, 30 day appeal, and other things to get the family member out of the home. Another member had a difficult child who let a friend stay for a weekend for a party and suddenly this friend was a legal tenant of the apartment even though this person refused to pay rent, bills, anything. This person couldn't be locked out, full eviction had to be done. It was another disaster.

Be VERY aware of the residency laws in your city and state BEFORE your daughter has a chance to show up on your doorstep so you can cut any of these efforts off at the pass. You and your husband have worked very hard for your home and your peaceful life and you have every right to it. Your daughter has every right to go and make her own life, whatever she wants that to be. She does NOT have the right to destroy your life, or your marriage. She does not have the right to move into your home simply because she does not want to work or do anything.

If everyone stops rescuing her and 'helping' her, she will have to help herself. She will have to figure out who she is and what she can do. Sure it will be hard and she will have failure and flops and problems. Most people do this far earlier in life. I don't know why she didn't, and I don't really need to, It just seems she needs to now. She NEEDS everyone to stop rescuing her, because all that rescuing is just crippling her. She has to learn to stand on her own feet and contribute to society, and she is very capable of this.

She learned how to get everyone to do almost everything for her. She learned to train her family and friends to 'rescue' her so much that she doesn't have to do anything for herself. She just cannot see how much she has damaged herself. If she can do that, she can train herself to do anything!

As she goes through this painful process of learning and growing, especially as it includes failing and falling down, please remember how she learned to walk. She started out sitting on the floor. She wanted something on the other side of the room. She cried for it. You could have given it to her, but you didn't. You waited and watched and cheered as she stood and took those shaky steps. When she fell you didn't just give it to her and tell her that she tried but that was okay, she didn't have to do it ever again. You dusted her off and got her to try again, and again until she finally walked over to get whatever it was she wanted. This process is going to require multiple attempts and failures and new attempts for some things. All a parent can do is to cheer from the sidelines and hope for the best.

I am sorry it is hard. Fill your life with good things for you, things that make you happy and keep you busy and tire you out. Exercise often so that when you go to bed your mind is tired and you do not think of your daughter. Consider seeing a therapist to help you work through this. It truly can be a huge help for you as you work through all of your feelings and all of the things your daughter will heap upon you. Know that you truly deserve very good things. Know that you did your best for your daughter and that now, it is all up to her. It is not a situation her Mommy can fix.

 

[Mcmary]

Thank you for your support. I'm kind of a mess but am lucky to have a very supportive husband. I will get some help and come back here often.