Aw, thanks, Terry! Missed you!
This is actually the whole end game story. I never wrote it before because of Sis but since I will never talk to her again, I wont have to face her wrath. I used to be quite afraid of her wrath. Here it is for anyone interested.
I went no contact with Sis after my dad passed away. I still think she may read my stuff here because she has a problem with letting go of people, even if she doesnt like them. I dont get it, but I am able to let go when it is best, so I did. Believe me when I say I did it for her as well as for me. I hurt her, or so she says, and I have no idea how I hurt her. She never says. So I would rather call it off.
I can only imagine how angry this made her though, although that was not the point.. I know for a fact that the rules were that she could do anything she wanted to do to me, but if she said we were going to make up and try to work it out, then I was supposed to forget all the cop calling and cut offs done to me just be glad she decided I was worth talking to again. See, only she was allowed to come back and I was not allowed to decide to cut HER out. When I did...i knew it would be more horrifying to her that I was the one who did it, no matter why, then that I would no longer be in her life.
She is about control, at least with me.
And she felt this way because I always tried again, just as she expected the wussy sister to do. She choreographed our relationship and I played my part. Slowly, though, with each time she cut me off then convinced the cops to visit and tell me I was not allowed to contact her, something inside of me swelled just a tad more in rebellion, no matter how much I loved her and hoped we could be real sisters.
This feeling festered especially after a big blow up during my dads 85th birthday but I decided to keep trying even after that. I could see that contact with FOO was doing horrible things to me, but I stayed after this horror show. This family made me somebody I was not when not around them and I hated this me.
Even though I stuck around, the hurtful emotions inside of me were building with these people. Who were they? Was I really connected to them? Did I want to be? My family of choice was so loving. They were furious at family of origin, protective of me, warned me no good would come of hanging on. It would be accurate to say that my kind daughters and Sonic and even Bart and husband hated them but left leaving up to me.
By the time my father was very sick, I was ready to leave, but told nobody in my family of origin. It was a hard time. We were all sad .
Sister had no idea that I had pretty much decided to be done once my dad passed on. He passed last year. I didnt want him to see Sis and me on bad terms in his last days as he had always wanted us to get along ...so I held off. Then he passed and for all his abuse of all of us he died with my love. But I knew I had been set free too. Finally. Free at last!!!
First, before cutting contact with Sis, I wanted her to finally tell me all of our family medical history that for some unexplained reason my family withheld from me, but my doctor wanted it. So I was pleasant and present until she finally disclosed all of it.
Predictably, after trying to be nice for a few weeks (both of us) Sis started getting "funny" at me again without explaining. If l called she didnt answer or would not talk in words but breathe into the phone. Snapped at me. Again. Wash, rinse, repeat. For the unpteenth time. I have never had anyone else in my life who was this moody with me, not even my mother!
Things got more dramatic for Sis and I tried to be of support. She was in a whirlwind mess with her abusive boyfriend and he had just broken into her home. Scared, I told her to call the police and she said she couldnt have the police go over there, it would ruin his reputation, he would never speak to her again etc. Huh????
He had also threatened her "You give me the money you owe me OR ELSE!"
Yes, she owed him money. $10k and she wouldnt give it back nor could he sue her because he had gifted it to her. In writing to a bank. The gift was not really a gift....between them they had made it a loan but she had decided to spite him for being a jerk and not pay it back.
You cant make this stuff up. This was after my hearing for years from her how cruel he is. And here she is baiting this man. To me it was like waving a red blanket in front of a bull. Like she almost wanted dangerous confrontation.
So the whole story is too long and weird to explain but he threatened her. And she was freaked out but would not call the police. Nor pay him back, which I also suggested, again for safety. I again repeated she call the police for her safety. She again refused for the same reasons written above. She didnt want any of his neighbors to see cops at his house and ruin his reputation or have him never speak to her again for doing so.
Something finally snapped inside me about the cops and her and ME. Selfish? Maynbe. But there you have it, how it went down....
I said "So you called the police on me for nothing for years but not him when he does this? You think I was a bigger threat than him?"
She said "At the time I did."
Time??? WHAT time??? There were twenty times. Many of those police calls were made when I lived in another state from her. I never threatened her. Ever. Not once.
But she didnt care if MY neighbors saw cop cars at our house or if my young children were afraid of the cops coming over. What could I possibly mean to her if she would do this repearedly to me but not once to a man she swears is a covert narcissist.
She called the cops on me only for revenge/control. If I said or wrote something that got her angry the police had to come over to say she doesnt want me to contact her. That was IT. That was all I did...an email would trigger a call to Officer Friendly to my house.
But K. broke into her house and threatened her and no way would she call the police on him even though he had done these things! Cant ruin the abuser's good name....grrrrrrr.
I couldnt do that level of crazy anymore. It was personal, about us. My Dad could abuse her too (and certainly did to all of us) and she forgave him and never did cops on him....just me. Pfffft!!
I finally got it. Its the family against me. Others can do real harm and get a pass. I hate to sound like that poor picked on little girl but that is what it was like. Only I could stop allowing myself to be a victim. It was 100 percent my responsibility. I needed to cleanse myself and reinvent who I am.
So I hung up and told her in a text that I was done.
I am done. With the lot of them...lolol. All. I am new; I am myself, I am gone.
My obit will not include them (morbid, I know, but already decided upon). They are not my family in my mind or heart.
What kind of people wont relay important DNA medical information to a family member, even if the person is not their favorite? I learned at the very end of speaking to Sis that my first cousin had died young of colon cancer and that an uncle had had Parkinsons and lewey body dementia. I could finally tell my
doctor what runs in my family! How crazy is it that I didnt know???
But I am finally free of them. I have tons of the right kind of love; healthy love. Best of all my chosen family accepts my love back, and the games are over. My chosen family, even Bart, do not play games like this. Two of my kids live very close. We see one another all the time. My girls are my best friends. Bart loves me too. My husband is Husband of the Century. 23 great years.
I suspect Sis is still full of drama and romantic discord. But I dont want to know.
Thanks for the forum!
I am glad you came back, Terry!