Finally back on...again...dgd update

[ksm]

Dgd has court this week from being stopped and having drugs/paraphernalia in car...we are hoping that she will get drug court and have a chance to keep from having a felony. She has started a part time job as a server at a restaurant. But, not a lot of other positive steps happening yet. I think she's waiting for court to decide what she needs to do...instead of figuring out what she needs to do...before court.

It's something I know I can't control...

I'll post more later this week.

Ksm

 

[Crayola13]

If you can reason with her at all, ask her what she imagines will happen if things go in her favor. She will probably have to pay a fine and be sent to rehab.

 

[ksm]

After meeting with her court appointed attorney, they are fighting the charges. Uggh. I was hoping for drug court, supervision, random UAs, etc. I am afraid if she gets the charges dropped and has no consequences she will feel like she can get away with things in the future.

Ksm

 

[Deni D]

I agree with you KSM, it's not a good message to send someone that they can get arrested for something they actually did and skate by on it. If she had a lot of successes in life under her belt and caught a break with this then it very well could be a teaching moment but that's not her situation. She's still very young.

Maybe though she will keep on the straight and narrow while waiting for the next court date, which might be delayed and delayed again. Hopefully that court appointed attorney warned her to stay out of trouble.

 

[ksm]

Nope. Or if she did she's ignoring all professional advice, last month her bio mom bailed her out, and DGD signed the bondsman form that said she would have no contact with the gut who she was arrested with. She is hanging out with him and today she gave him a ride to court!

I. Can't. Any. More... I can't talk to her. I can't reason with her. So I just don't interact much at all.

Ksm

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Ksm,
So sorry for this ongoing saga with your dgd. I am unfortunately all too familiar with the pattern of drugs and court and flaunting the law.

I. Can't. Any. More... I can't talk to her. I can't reason with her. So I just don't interact much at all.

I hit this stage awhile back and decided to go no contact for a bit with Tornado. It wasn’t easy, but it gave me time to rethink my response and over-involvement with the drama-(emotionally, that is). It’s hard to have the rug pulled out from underneath and work at recovering from it. I am still hopeful that my two will wake up one day, but have developed some scars and work to protect my heart from the pain of it.
You have been at this a long time Ksm and I am hoping you are able to take time for you and your hubby to breathe. Thinking of you and wishing you strength to carry on. You deserve peace in your life.
Hugs and much love,
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

I am afraid if she gets the charges dropped and has no consequences she will feel like she can get away with things in the future.

Hi ksm. I am so sorry this is playing out this way.

She is going to do what she is going to do. There are no consequences or lack of them that will create a positive response in somebody who does not want to or is unable to or not open to learning. That is the delusion that kept me going back and back and back all those years with my son, the belief that something I did or did not do, or some other THING would effect a change in my son. Only my son can change my son. Only dgd can decide to do the right thing, and there is no saying what it would be or could be or will be that clicks the switch.

She has not wanted to do anything different and so she doesn't. No distress on your part or her son's seems to affect her at all. Nor does anything she commits to or agrees to. She could care less for anything except how she feels in the moment. She will continue this as long as she continues it, irrespective of consequences until she has had enough. She may never be there. That is the reality all of us have to face. They hold the power. The power is not in consequences.

You are worn out because you are like the flotsam and jetsam in the ocean. You are the one who is contingent on her. Contingent on her whims. Contingent on her chaos. And so is her son. She has trained you both to subordinate yourselves to her. How can this not be crazy-making? How can you not feel worn out and empty?

I know that the baby is foremost in your mind. Should he be held hostage to her? Because that is what it seems like is happening.
I wish I felt differently and saw it differently. I don't. This doesn't stop me from suffering with you. I do.

 

[ksm]

Thank you, New Leaf, Denise and Crayola. I appreciate all your responses.

It's a very difficilt because we have her son (our great grandson) living here too. But we have no legal custody arrangement. His father is now in the picture and he has him every other weekend. I would have never thought he would get his act together before DGD.

In about 3 weeks great grandson starts Head Start and will be at school from 7:45 to 2:45 Monday to Friday. He will get breakfast, lunch, and an afternoon snack. I am hoping that he will be falling asleep much earlier than he does now. He lives being with other kids and I think this will be a good fit!

When his mom was in Head Start I was one of the parents on their board and I think our local Head Start is very well run. I feel like having 7 hours a day, 5 days a week will practically give m e my life back.

Hi ksm. I am so sorry this is playing out this way.

She is going to do what she is going to do. There are no consequences or lack of them that will create a positive response in somebody who does not want to or is able to or open to learning. That is the delusion that kept me going back and back and back all those years with my son, the belief that something I did or did not do, or some other THING would effect a change in my son. Only my son can change my son. Only dgd can decide to do the right thing, and there is no saying what it would be or could be or will be that clicks the switch.

She has not wanted to do anything different and so she doesn't. No distress on your part or her son's seems to affect her at all. Nor does anything she commits to or agrees to. She could care less for anything except how she feels in the moment. She will continue this as long as she continues it, irrespective of consequences until she has had enough. She may never be there. That is the reality all of us have to face. They hold the power. The power is not in consequences.

You are worn out because you are like the flotsam and jetsam in the ocean. You are the one who is contingent on her. Contingent on her whims. Contingent on her chaos. And so is her son. She has trained you both to subordinate yourselves to her. How can this not be crazy-making? How can you not feel worn out and empty?

I know that the baby is foremost in your mind. Should he be held hostage to her? Because that is what it seems like is happening.
I wish I felt differently and saw it differently. I don't. This doesn't stop me from suffering with you. I do.

 

[ksm]

Copa, I agree with everything you wrote.

Im just not at a point to disrupt great grandsons life. I'm not sure how or when we will get to the point of change... ksm

 

[Copabanana]

In about 3 weeks great grandson starts Head Start and will be at school from 7:45 to 2:45 Monday to Friday. He will get breakfast, lunch, and an afternoon snack. I am hoping that he will be falling asleep much earlier than he does now. He lives being with other kids and I think this will be a good fit!

This is fantastic! I am so happy for him and for you.

You know it's so strange. I feel love and care for him too. He is such a little fighter. Maybe I identify with him. I love the thought of him in this Head Start program. What a champ he is. And you too, ksm.

 

[ksm]

This is fantastic! I am so happy for him and for you.

You know it's so strange. I feel love and care for him too. He is such a little fighter. Maybe I identify with him. I love the thought of him in this Head Start program. What a champ he is. And you too, ksm.

He has such a big personality! When DGD was in jail, I had to drop off some Rx for her at the jail. Some older lady was walking out as we were walking towards the jail. He ran off, with arms wide open and the lady bent down and they hugged. He said, "I've missed you!". She beamed. When old ladies have to visit the jail...they probably needed a hug!

Ksn

 

[Copabanana]

Some older lady was walking out as we were walking towards the jail. He ran off, with arms wide open and the lady bent down and they hugged. He said, "I've missed you!".

Oh my. How sweet is this? Smiling ear to ear.