Finding Acceptance within yourself

[flutterbee]

How do you do that?

I don't even know if I'll hit submit at the end of this. I might chicken out.

It was easy for me to accept my daughter for who she is because she's my daughter and because, well, she's always been strong-willed or my challenging child. It's just who she is and I probably love her more because she needs to be loved more.

I can accept faults and shortcomings in others. Afterall, we are all human and we all have them. I can accept others limitations. I can tolerate a lot of behavior from people.

But, how do find acceptance for yourself - for things that are out of your control?

I spent a lot of time beating myself up for smoking, not having the best diet, etc. Then my mom told me that the cardiologist told her that it didn't matter what kind of lifestyle I had lead; that you just don't see the amount of heart disease that I have in someone my age. You don't see it until decades later.

That should of been freeing and I guess in a way it was. I could stop beating myself up.

But, I also feel betrayed. I feel like a failure.

I'm trying to come to terms - to some kind of acceptance - with everything going on and I just find it so hard. I just keep wanting to fight it. That's all I know how to do. That's how I survived devastating depression. I fought it tooth and nail.

But, I just end up so frustrated with this. I keep thinking, "Let go and let God." But, I'm so afraid to let go. I'm so afraid that if I don't keep on top of everyone and everything....I don't know. Maybe that's what this all boils down to: fear.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to deal with something that I have no control over. I hate myself on the days that I can't even load the dishwasher. I hate myself when I have to schedule appts around easy child's school so he can take me. I die a little inside when I forget who I'm talking to while I'm talking to them. Or when I forget what I'm talking about mid-sentence. I hate that I have to be so dependent on others. I keep thinking that if I just force myself or try harder or stop being such a wimp....

Maybe one of you from the TSA or PE board could give me the serenity prayer. I can't remember it.

Everyone has always told me how strong I am. I feel anything but strong now. I feel so weak and pathetic and inadequate.

 

[scent of cedar]

Oh, I am so glad you posted!

GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

I think you are on the fringes of your emotional healing now, Grace. Once we allow ourselves to hear how we view ourselves, we can address it.

Keep exploring how you hear yourself interpreting who you are.

Strive to be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

Extend to yourself the grace of forgiveness.

We are all making our way through our lives and our worlds in the best way we know.

Are you seeing a therapist already, or using an antidepressant?

Both of these things will help you now, I think.

You have suffered enough, Grace.

The labels you applied to yourself in this post are where to begin.

Weak as compared to what? We are all weak, in comparison to something or someone else. Weak because you are sad or scared?

I am sad and scared all the time.

Literally all the time.

I wish I weren't, but it doesn't make me like myself any less.

Sometimes, I am glad to feel the weakness.

There was a time when I only felt numb.

Why "pathetic"?

There has to be a reason for that choice of label. Pathetic because you are coping with the things you are coping with?

You ARE coping.

That is strong and courageous, not pathetic.

Inadequate.

I feel very ashamed, sometimes. I am appalled, sometimes, at the things I say or do or write. Sometimes, it takes courage just to keep being me, just to acknowledge that, like Popeye the Sailor, I am what I am.

There is a book by Maria Harris: The Dance of Women's Spirituality. In it, these times you are experiencing now are likened to a desert. The shifting emotional currents and understandings of any woman's life are likened to a dance, the mood and tempo constantly changing.

You are new to this dance you are dancing now, Grace.

The music is unfamiliar. Your first efforts to understand the rhythms have not been perfect, but you will get better and better.

Soon enough, there will come a time when you may be able to teach someone else how to dance, when this is the music that is playing for them.

I am sorry for your pain Grace, and for the confusion you feel now.

Barbara

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Heather.

You are in my prayers every day.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Heather,

It's a tough question. We are the hardest on the ones we love and the most hard on ourselves.

Letting go is difficult. It's really not in our nature.

But one thing I know for sure, your physical limitations are not intentional on your part and you need to stop measuring yourself by what you can't do and begin to measure by what you've done.

You had some serious health concerns. Cut yourself a little slack and realize that self inflicted stress is the the worse there is.

If you believe in God, which it appears you do, think about it this way. If you look at a piece of completed needlepoint, it's lovely. It makes sense and has a purpose. If you turn that piece of needlepoint over, all you see is a mish-mash of thread with no purpose and no plan. It's kinda like that with God's plan in our lives. He's looking down at us from his vantage point and sees it clearly, he sees the pattern and the purpose. But we are looking up from under that needlepoint and it just doesn't make sense.

But you know, that's ok. We are not supposed to know everything. We are not supposed to know all the answers. Just as we are not supposed to know that time and place of all. Remember "now I look through the mirror darkly" is about the acceptance of not knowing.

Take comfort in the fact that you are so loved.

Do what you can do and take joy in that. Start every day with thanks that you opened your eyes or put your feet on the floor. How can a day be bad when you are there to live it?

I don't think anyone can give you the key to accepting yourself. It's something that comes from within. Don't we tell our children to always try their best?

Do your best and acceptance will follow quickly behind.

Don't think about what you can't do, think about what you can. Don't look at where you want to be, look at where you are. Begin today to write down one thing you were proud or happy about before you go to bed. Do that everyday on little slips of paper and save them. At the end of the week, pull them all out and see the things and people you have touched, the way you have tried to take control.

"A" for effort is a saying that rings true. Trying is always better than giving up.

We are here to support you in any way you can. Thanks for posting your feelings here. Lots of hugs to you this morning.

Sharon

 

[Nomad]

This is why I enjoy the WW program truthfully. For me, they provided a program that works, but at the same time taught me that it was okay if progress was slow. I learned not to beat myself up if I had a bad week. I think that is one of the reasons losing weight is so difficult. It is not an exact progression downward. Sometimes our bodies wont cooperate and sometimes our minds wont. Sometimes we have a very difficult week and we mess up. It's all okay. The important thing is to keep on moving forward, make adjustments if needed, have a goal in mind...keep a good attitude/thought, get support/educate yourself...you get the idea. However, it all starts with accepting that we are human and make mistakes and that we might need support...it's all okay.

 

[Loving Abbey 2]

I think finding acceptance within yourself is difficult for anyone. But when you add all of the challenges that you are facing, it is understandable why you are struggling with this. To me, your post sounded overwhelmed with feelings. I think maybe one of the first places to start is to acknowledge those feelings, validate them, and accept them as how you feel right now. Have yourself a good cry if you need to. And then, breath. Put those feelings on a shelf for a time and do something good for you, find something you enjoy or are proud of, and do it. No matter how small it is, it will help.

I think sometimes, especially as women, we fight feeling bad or sad, like we don't deserve to feel that way. Part of finding acceptance is accepting how you feel at this moment in time. Once you do that, you can work on feeling better, and you also won't be fighting against yourself anymore. Life is a journey, you can fight against that journey and the feelings that come with it, or you can go with the path and the feelings-whatever they are, and find joy in what you can.

I don't know if any of this is helpful. I hope it is, if it's not well then know that at least you are in my thoughts!

Michelle

 

[Wiped Out]

We expect more of ourselves than we have any right to. - Oliver Wendall Holmes.

The others have said things so much better than I could-know that you are loved!

 

[flutterbee]

Wow. Thank you, ladies. That's a lot to soak in. I'll have to read and re-read and digest this. It seems like it should be so easy, but it's not.

Weak and pathetic because I can't just 'buck up'. Weakness - real or perceived - is something I have real issues with. Like should be addressed in therapy type issues. Which, I have addressed it in therapy, actually. Just not enough, I guess. Weakness to me equals vulnerable. I don't do vulnerable. Period. I guess to me weak and pathetic are pretty much synonymous.

Inadequate because I can't do everything I think I should be doing. I feel like I'm failing everyone, letting everyone down. I have standards for myself. I'm not reaching them. Or even coming close.

I appreciate the time and thought you ladies put into responding to me...supporting me.

I think this is going to be a long, long process.

 

[flutterbee]

I know what else I wanted to say....

I'm a fixer. That's what I do. I can't fix this. At least not by myself. At least with the depression, there were things *I* could - and did - do to fix myself. So, I'm at a loss. I think that's part of what makes me feel so pathetic. That I don't know how to fix this.

Just more rambling....

 

[scent of cedar]

Wyntersgrace, have you ever explored whose voice it is, telling you who and how you are?

That seems to be the person beating you up.

Truly, there is no way never to be vulnerable. There is no way to fix most things, though we can, with compassion and gentle acceptance, survive most things.

You did just right, posting to us here.

Does anyone remember that Eckardt Tolle quote about how our negative emotions can never stand before our clear and unified desire to be whole?

I will try to find it for you, Wyntersgrace.

Barbara

 

[flutterbee]

Barbara -

You ask some very good questions. I think I know the answers to those - maybe not completely - but I hope you'll understand that I'm not comfortable talking about some things in such a public forum. That whole being vulnerable thing...I really don't do well with that.

Thank you for asking those questions, though. I hadn't thought of it that way. I'll need to do a lot of soul searching - dig deep. I am taking an antidepressant, but I'm thinking I may need to talk to someone again, too. To get this all sorted out.

Sometimes the defenses we put up that help us through a difficult time in our lives become a hurdle to overcome later. I think that might be where I'm at.

I'm truly touched by all of you - your compassion and thoughtfulness.

Thank you, ladies.

 

[Jena]

hi

i'm so sorry i'm late to this.

wow is all i can say to you having the strength, yes strength to get it out to share your inner thoughts. that's huge.

be patient with yourself, give yourself time, love yourself you are a strong, vibrant caring person with whom will only become stronger by what you have just done.

you have begun to accept you.

my thoughts are with you

((((Jen))))

 

[1905]

You have to be grateful for what you do have, I'm one to talk. Hang on to that. And I mean that, I was sick with cancer, and thought I was gonna die. I would look at the clock and think, "Ok I'll hold on and live for 1 more hour" it took all my might. Every drop. Try doing that- you can do that if things are really bad. If it's not that bad- force yourself to say or write down all the things you have to be grateful for. It's not always going to be like this, things will get better, you may even forget how bad things are now. You can do it. -Alyssa

 

[KTMom91]

Oh, Heather...I understand. I'm going through similar issues. I've always been in charge...retail management, single parent, etc., never allowing myself to show any weaknesses, and it has so caught up with me! Since Hubby and I got married, I've had carpal tunnel (and am permanently partially disabled), been hit by a car while crossing the street, broken my leg, had knee surgery, asthma so far out of control I ended up on way too much prednisone and put on close to 100 pounds, pneumonia several times...I hate being sick, I hate being fat, I hate that my body aches all the time, I hate being out of control, and I hate being me right now. I don't do the acceptance thing very well either. Thank you all for your words of wisdom. Lots of hugs to you, Heather.

 

[scent of cedar]

Things have been chaotic around my house lately Heather, and I still haven't found that quote. I wanted to check in though, so you would know I care that you are here with all of us, questioning the way things always were, and getting better and stronger, right along with all of us, too.

It matters, to know we are not alone.



Barbara

 

[flutterbee]

I feel mostly human today. Finally. It's been a long month. The fatigue hit hard starting the end of February. Then the pain kicked up to where I couldn't stand for more than 2 minutes without being in agony. Then the steroids, the angina and trip to the ER, the morphine reaction which left me feeling battered and bruised for days and then I'm pretty sure what I went through this past week was steroid withdrawal. Not a fun thing. I slept more than I was up and when I was up I felt so confused and just plain out of it and just felt unwell. I still slept a lot today, but I feel better overall.

I keep having these dreams - over and over again, though different scenarios - and each time I am so muddled in them. I try to speak and the words won't come out or they don't make any sense when they do come out, I can barely be heard - my voice is so quiet, I don't know where I am, I don't recognize people I should, I feel like my feet and legs are lead, and I'm exhausted. I keep telling people in my dream that it's neurological but it's like nobody hears me. I keep repeating it and shouting it and sometimes screaming it. I'm always so frustrated in my dreams and when I wake up I sometimes have trouble telling at first if it was a dream or if it really happened. They're so vivid.

What's strange to me is that in my dream it's neurological and while I am seeing a neurologist and have neurological symptoms, everyone keeps saying my problems are rheumatic. Even the neurologist made that statement at my first appointment.

I'm so afraid. What if they can't figure out what it is? What if they decide it's nothing? I spent 4 years going to doctors only to be patted on the hand and treated like a complainer when in fact I had advanced heart disease. I've been at this hard and heavy since September and still no answers. And I'm getting worse. The pain flare has gone (went away sometime this week), which is good, but the other stuff is still there.

I was watching a movie tonight and my son asked why I was watching it again. I told him I hadn't seen it. He told me he's come in before a couple of times and I was watching the same movie. I don't remember it. He tells me things and tells me he's told me before and I don't remember it. My daughter tells me things I've told her that I don't remember saying and that don't even sound like something I would say. My son asked me tonight how much I do remember after telling me yet again something I don't remember him telling me before and I responded, "Apparently, not very much." I don't forget everything. I remember that he was late to school Wed and Thurs last week. But, by middle of next week I'll just know he was late to school but I won't know when. It could have been last week or last month for all I'll know.

I don't know how I'm going to be feeling tomorrow let alone next week. How do you plan for that? I'm the sole supporter. My parents are paying my rent right now, but they can't do that indefinitely. What am I going to do if I don't get better? How am I going to live like this for the rest of my life? What kind of life is this? What am I going to do when my car dies?

I have days where I feel like I can't breathe - it's all so overwhelming. I can't be a good mom when I'm asleep more than I'm awake like this week. What is this doing to my kids? It's totally unfair to them.

I keep thinking of the needlepoint, LDM, turned upside down. That's such a good description. I'm trying to take comfort in knowing that God has a plan. I'm just so afraid. Weary.

 

[wakeupcall]

I'm a "fixer", too, Grace. I understand how that frustrates you. I have to remind myself and now I'll remind you.....we can't fix everything. Some things just ARE. You are in my thoughts today. Be strong, my friend.

 

[flutterbee]

I was sitting on the couch and hives just erupted on my right arm. Out of the blue. Except for when I was having the allergic reaction to Plavix, I've NEVER broken out in hives. I scratch a little and I have those red dots (purpura, I think) on my arm.

And now it's spreading up to my neck. And dinner is in the oven. If I take benadryl, I'll be out before dinner is done. Easter dinner. Tradition is so important to Wynter.

I was just starting to feel human again.

I hate this so much. I'm so sick of it. I can't stand it. I want to come out of my skin.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Oh sweetie.

It just does not feel fair, does it?
I so wish I had answers and solutions for you. I feel so helpless just typing words. I do like the analogy of looking at the back of the needlepoint.

I hear you asking "what about this, what about that, how can I do this, how will I do that." You are going to make yourself absolutely loony by projecting like that. Stay in the moment. One day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary.

I don't know how I will pay next month's rent. I have not a clue. I have zero income. I have faith that it will be OK. You have a relationship with God. So do I. I know that God will not let my daughter and me go hungry or without a roof over our heads. No, He does not send cash down the chimney, but I always get by somehow. Yes, there are days where Tink has to entertain herself because I am so tired that I have to nap. You know what? I'm sick. This is a learning lesson for her.

I too am a fixer. Or if I can't fix it, I at least want to understand it. There are a lot of things about me that I don't understand. There are a lot of things about Tink that I can't fix. What has helped me get through the days, truly, has been to turn things over to God. "I can't handle this, God. Can you?"

I did not mean for this to turn into a sermon. I just wanted to pass along what has worked for me. We are in similar situations (single mom, head of household, used to having the control, now watching the control slip away). When things get beyond my control, I let go and remember, I don't really control anything but me.

I hope this helps. You are in my prayers.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Heather,

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. The others have given you great advice. I wish I had something to add... One of the things that I think is really important is to try to take everything one step at a time... I think it is too difficult to think about everything going on in your life all at once. The "what ifs", alone, would be enough to keep any one of us from ever getting a decent night's rest.

Heather, you are doing the best you possibly can do at this moment. I think you put too much pressure on yourself with too many expectations. You are a wonderful mother, and an extremely strong, wise, and caring person. Please know that as others have already said, you are very much loved!!!

I'm another one who also believes that everything happens for a purpose even if we can't make sense of it at the moment. I think Sharon really said it best with her description of the needle point. Try to find something positive and good about each day. Remember, you are very strong and you WILL get through this!!! Take each day as it comes... And, remember, we are here for you... Hugs... WFEN