For those whose children have mental issues, where to start getting help?

[healinginside]

My son is currently in Florida with his Dad, who got him a job. The job is not working out and his Dad is at his end with him.

We've been struggling with the question - is it drugs (marijuana) or mental health issues or both? We believe both.

I cannot begin to explain everything that has happened over the last month since he has been there. Being with his Dad has made his mental health way worse. When he first got there, he left his suitcase in his dad's work partner's truck and his dad wouldn't get it back for 10 days. He had to wear the same clothes for over a week in a row. His Dad won't let him in his house to shower and it has been 5 weeks since he had a shower. I can't imagine. He said our son should have made friends and then gotten a shower at these new friend's house. OK??? His Dad won't help him clean his clothes and left him to sleep in a shed. It's very twisted way to help someone. He thinks the tough love will get him to straighten up. Now he is letting him sleep on his property in broken van. I don't think he is allowed inside (hopefully to go to the bathroom). No one wants my son there AT ALL and I understand - my son causes problems. He avoids work, breaks rules, thinks everyone is his new best friend, is disrespectful, the list goes on. His Dad wants to put him on a bus back here. He has no place to stay here and today is the first day it is below freezing. Ice on my windshield this morning is just a sign of things to come. I DO NOT put it passed his Dad to start something to get him to leave.

I'm NOT blaming my x for this but my son didn't have a chance being treated like a dog. but it is better than being homeless??

I'm so mad at myself to need this man's help. I walked away proudly so many years ago and built my own successful life. I never needed anything from that man. I keep reminding myself that he was trying to HELP our son in his own twisted way.

I've coached, counseled and even pleaded with my son to lay low, hey, make the most of "van life", just go get a job at one of the beach bars and save some money and chill in the van. I Know the next step is HOMELESSNESS, getting beat up, having his things stolen., sleeping on concrete, having no place to go to the bathroom. I see a homeless person and start crying. I guess I never realized how lonely homeless people were until now.

I cope by telling myself, "Right now, everyone is safe". "Redirect my thoughts to something positive"

If my son has an undiagnosed mental condition, where do we start? How can he be evaluated? He does have good insurance for now bc he is 25. Is there any help we can get him before the next step - sleeping on concrete.

It is only by doing the uncomfortable that we can be comfortable - facing the uncomfortable conversation, going to the dr to get the test, getting treatment to get better...

I'm at a loss.

 

[Crayola13]

I hope your son will agree to being mentally evaluated and let both a psychiatrist and psychotherapist treat him. He probably needs medication in addition to counseling. With marijuana use, it’s hard to determine how much of his behavior is related to mental illness, which could delay getting a correct diagnosis. Many psychiatrists won’t officially diagnose a patient who smokes pot heavily. Pot is said to interfere with mental health medications, so if the doctor tells him that, he will most likely continue use of pot and not take whatever medications he is prescribed. Does your son realize he has a mental illness? Many of them refuse to believe that and think the problem isn’t them, but the rest of the world who do Phy cannot understand or relate to them.

 

[healinginside]

I hope your son will agree to being mentally evaluated and let both a psychiatrist and psychotherapist treat him. He probably needs medication in addition to counseling. With marijuana use, it’s hard to determine how much of his behavior is related to mental illness, which could delay getting a correct diagnosis. Many psychiatrists won’t officially diagnose a patient who smokes pot heavily. Pot is said to interfere with mental health medications, so if the doctor tells him that, he will most likely continue use of pot and not take whatever medications he is prescribed. Does your son realize he has a mental illness? Many of them refuse to believe that and think the problem isn’t them, but the rest of the world who do Phy cannot understand or relate to them.

No he is in denial about his mental state. So your advice is to reach out to a provider? I have tried that and there is such a wait due to the pandemic. Thank you for sharing your experience!!

 

[Crayola13]

No he is in denial about his mental state. So your advice is to reach out to a provider? I have tried that and there is such a wait due to the pandemic. Thank you for sharing your experience!!

My son doesn’t have a conduct disorder or drug problem. He was born addicted to cocaine which is why I came to this forum. I was afraid of all the behaviors he was at risk for, which have not come to pass yet. Maybe they won’t, but we can’t know. He’s a senior now and so far the problems he’s had have been severe anxiety and major depression. We have always worried about drug use because his birth mother was addicted to cocaine, which caused him to be born addicted. Wr adopted him at two. Until that time, his grandma, who I credit for his success, had custody. She died suddenly and unexpectedly. He has experienced a great amount of trauma, so we’ve had experts involved since we adopted him.

 

[healinginside]

My son doesn’t have a conduct disorder or drug problem. He was born addicted to cocaine which is why I came to this forum. I was afraid of all the behaviors he was at risk for, which have not come to pass yet. Maybe they won’t, but we can’t know. He’s a senior now and so far the problems he’s had have been severe anxiety and major depression. We have always worried about drug use because his birth mother was addicted to cocaine, which caused him to be born addicted. Wr adopted him at two. Until that time, his grandma, who I credit for his success, had custody. She died suddenly and unexpectedly. He has experienced a great amount of trauma, so we’ve had experts involved since we adopted him.

My heart goes out to your son for having to experience that at birth. He is lucky to be surrounded by loving individuals that have taken such good care of him. I wish him the best.

 

[BusynMember]

These sutuations are heartbreaking. At 25 you can't legally do anything for your son unless he agrees to it and unless he signs a waiver if he DOES agree to get help no doctor or therapist will tell you anything. It's private.

Your son is an adult, even if he is emotionally quite young, and that gives you no control over him. I don't know if his father is helping him or hurting him and I'm surprised your son hasn't left there already. I think he is treating your son horribly and it won't help him. Your x sounds clueless about mental illness, as if he thinks your son is acting this way just to be defiant. You know whether or not the x is being fair.

It is really up to your son to get appropriate help. I hope he will. Many of our adult kids just will not. We can't force it.

What you can do is to go for therapy or join maybe an online/Zoom families anonymous group to learn how to take care of yourself. Overworrying about our grown kids doesn't help them and can be terrible for our health, physically and mentally. We can fix us. We can not fix them.

Sending love and hugs.

 

[healinginside]

These sutuations are heartbreaking. At 25 you can't legally do anything for your son unless he agrees to it and unless he signs a waiver if he DOES agree to get help no doctor or therapist will tell you anything. It's private.

Your son is an adult, even if he is emotionally quite young, and that gives you no control over him. I don't know if his father is helping him or hurting him and I'm surprised your son hasn't left there already. I think he is treating your son horribly and it won't help him. Your x sounds clueless about mental illness, as if he thinks your son is acting this way just to be defiant. You know whether or not the x is being fair.

It is really up to your son to get appropriate help. I hope he will. Many of our adult kids just will not. We can't force it.

What you can do is to go for therapy or join maybe an online/Zoom families anonymous group to learn how to take care of yourself. Overworrying about our grown kids doesn't help them and can be terrible for our health, physically and mentally. We can fix us. We can not fix them.

Sending love and hugs.

Thank you Busy - having your support means the world to me, especially on a day like today. He agreed today to start therapy, which is wonderful. Yes, I am still struggling with the over worrying. Having everyone here helps. It's a small step, but when you are taking things day by day, it is a huge step!!

 

[BusynMember]

This is wonderful news. Stay in touch.

 

[Copabanana]

We've been struggling with the question - is it drugs (marijuana) or mental health issues or both? We believe both.

my son causes problems. He avoids work, breaks rules, thinks everyone is his new best friend, is disrespectful,

If my son has an undiagnosed mental condition, where do we start? How can he be evaluated? He does have good insurance for now bc he is 25. Is there any help we can get him before the next step - sleeping on concrete.

No he is in denial about his mental state.

Welcome to my world. My son is 34 now. We have been dealing with this for 11 years. My son is homeless unless I house him. Housing him is a disaster. Plus, he has become paranoid.

I have been on this forum over 7 years. This is what I have learned here, and through dealing with our situation. Trust me. None of this is easy. While it has NOT gotten easier I am freer and happier. I worry still night and day. I still feel terrible. But the situation with my son no longer completely dominates my life. I am able to work, and to have goals that do not have to do with him. My life used to center on him: that he take medications, that he get evaluated psychologically, get drug treatment, that he work or go to college, etc., etc.

Worry for him and conflict with him used to dominate my life. Why? Because I chose that. I chose to believe that I had the responsibility to help him change. Now the worry and concern are part of my life but do not dominate and overrun it. And I must say the conflict is way reduced. Why? Because of boundaries. Both internal and external ones. External boundaries are: I do not let him come back. And I do not physically see him, almost never. I have seen him one time in the past year. Internal boundaries are: I do not dwell on him. I recognize I have no voice or vote in his life choices. I feel grief but I do not let it overrun me.

So. To your post. I do not have any control over what my son does or does not do with his life. I do not get to make priorities and goals for his life. I do not get a vote on what he consumes or does not consume. I do not have a voice in his healthcare. All of this is his concern. If he cannot live within society's constraints and chooses to not follow rules or have goals consistent with what is expected, it is his business. As long he is not gravely mentally ill, dangerous to others, or mentally deficient, society will largely leave him alone. If he chooses to not get treatment, there is the likelihood he will do something that comes to the attention of the police, but there is not one thing I can do about it.

The more I have come to see the truth of what I have written above, the better I feel, and the better is my relationship with my son.

I recognize it is getting cold where you live. My son sleeps under bushes in the rain, without a tent or sleeping bag.. No way is this fun for me, and I have a hard time believing it is agreeable for him. The thing is there is not one thing I can do to change this. Only our sons can change how they live.

I am not a hard woman. On the contrary. I am caring and I am vulnerable. The only difference between you and I is that I have faced reality. I wish I could tell you it is different than this. It is not.

 

[JayPee]

Broken, Welcome to this site. I don't post as often anymore but though my problems with my sons have improved they have also progressed in other areas. Both are at least not homeless or living in their cars anymore but having housing by the skin of their teeth and it's always teetering on disaster. My youngest, 29 seems to be following down the path of his father who died from alcoholism just 7 months ago. He manages to work a different type non 9-5 type job and not everyday, but who knows how long that will last.

It is heartbreaking for us parents to deal with all this and honestly when they were both living in their cars in the middle of winter I could hardly deal with it. I know I only survived by the grace of God.

The things that have helped me over the years to cope are Al anon, this website, my trust in God and my constant turning my sons over to Him whenever I worry about them But I also have to say through Al anon that I learned to change myself and to stop focusing my every waking thought on them. Just like with my husband, I became addicted to their addictions. I didn't matter and all that did was their well-being and comfort. I cared more than they did, although they surely grumbled a lot, I know I still cared more because I was the only one trying to make their lives better.

Things may never change and/or they may improve slightly for your son, but the only sure-fire bet of anyone changing is you. It's your choice but it is not magical and in the beginning it almost hurts your heart and brain to remove your every waking thought of them. It feels wrong and uncaring as a parent but as you get stronger and surround yourself with those things that will strengthen you, you will be able to set boundaries and keep them.

Remember it's self-care and not selfishness. You matter too.

Sending prayers and hugs.

 

[healinginside]

Welcome to my world. My son is 34 now. We have been dealing with this for 11 years. My son is homeless unless I house him. Housing him is a disaster. Plus, he has become paranoid.

I have been on this forum over 7 years. This is what I have learned here, and through dealing with our situation. Trust me. None of this is easy. While it has NOT gotten easier I am freer and happier. I worry still night and day. I still feel terrible. But the situation with my son no longer completely dominates my life. I am able to work, and to have goals that do not have to do with him. My life used to center on him: that he take medications, that he get evaluated psychologically, get drug treatment, that he work or go to college, etc., etc.

Worry for him and conflict with him used to dominate my life. Why? Because I chose that. I chose to believe that I had the responsibility to help him change. Now the worry and concern are part of my life but do not dominate and overrun it. And I must say the conflict is way reduced. Why? Because of boundaries. Both internal and external ones. External boundaries are: I do not let him come back. And I do not physically see him, almost never. I have seen him one time in the past years. Internal boundaries are: I do not dwell on him. I recognize I have no voice or vote in his life choices. I feel grief but I do not let it overrun me.

So. To your post. I do not have any control over what my son does or does not do with his life. I do not get to make priorities and goals for his life. I do not get a vote on what he consumes or does not consume. I do not have a voice in his healthcare. All of this is his concern. If he cannot live within society's constraints and chooses to not follow rules or have goals consistent with what is expected, it is his business. As long he is not gravely mentally ill, dangerous to others, or mentally deficient, society will largely leave him alone. If he chooses to not get treatment, there is the likelihood he will do something that comes to the attention of the police, but there is not one thing I can do about it.

The more I have come to see the truth of what I have written above, the better I feel, and the better is my relationship with my son.

I recognize it is getting cold where you live. My son sleeps under bushes in the rain, without a tent or sleeping bag.. No way is this fun for me, and I have a hard time believing it is agreeable for him. The thing is there is not one thing I can do to change this. Only our sons can change how they live.

I am not a hard woman. On the contrary. I am caring and I am vulnerable. The only difference between you and I is that I have faced reality. I wish I could tell you it is different than this. It is not.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. It really does help to read this and you are so good at telling your story and helping others. You have helped me get through this difficult rut! I have hope recognizing your past experiences in my current situation and applying your wisdom to help myself. I know I can be the person I want to be,

My daughter and I used to have a saying when she was a little, "don't let anybody dull your sparkle". I keep telling myself for the last few weeks that I've lost my sparkle. I'm going to get it back. It may kill me to get through this, but I'm going to. Thank you, Copa - you are the friend every mom on this board needs.

 

[healinginside]

Broken, Welcome to this site. I don't post as often anymore but though my problems with my sons have improved they have also progressed in other areas. Both are at least not homeless or living in their cars anymore but having housing by the skin of their teeth and it's always teetering on disaster. My youngest, 29 seems to be following down the path of his father who died from alcoholism just 7 months ago. He manages to work a different type non 9-5 type job and not everyday, but who knows how long that will last.

It is heartbreaking for us parents to deal with all this and honestly when they were both living in their cars in the middle of winter I could hardly deal with it. I know I only survived by the grace of God.

The things that have helped me over the years to cope are Al anon, this website, my trust in God and my constant turning my sons over to Him whenever I worry about them But I also have to say through Al anon that I learned to change myself and to stop focusing my every waking thought on them. Just like with my husband, I became addicted to their addictions. I didn't matter and all that did was their well-being and comfort. I cared more than they did, although they surely grumbled a lot, I know I still cared more because I was the only one trying to make their lives better.

Things may never change and/or they may improve slightly for your son, but the only sure-fire bet of anyone changing is you. It's your choice but it is not magical and in the beginning it almost hurts your heart and brain to remove your every waking thought of them. It feels wrong and uncaring as a parent but as you get stronger and surround yourself with those things that will strengthen you, you will be able to set boundaries and keep them.

Remember it's self-care and not selfishness. You matter too.

Sending prayers and hugs.

Thank you, Jaypee. The tears started rolling reading your story. It just blows my mind that others have gone through and gotten through this and made it! You described it perfectly when you talk about how unnatural it feels to detach for us and that is what I'm struggling with that only a parent can understand. I really, really needed this message today. You don't know how much I needed to hear this. Thank you for helping me up I will get through this. Got to put it in God's hands

 

[JayPee]

Broken, you will get through this but it won't be easy and there will be 2 steps forward and 1 step back at times. It's ok. Just keep trying to do what you know is right. I remember when I was in therapy and I told her that I felt "guilty" going to buy myself fresh vegetables at the market. She was like "WHY?!" I said it's because they're sitting in their cars with hardly any food (I paid for food, gas, their used cars, cigarettes..you name it). I constantly felt like I should punish myself from any kind of joy (even buying fresh vegies) and should always remain in a state of mourning over their situations. I felt like I should not be happy if they weren't. She said, feeling guilty means you've done something wrong and she told me I most certainly hadn't.

Don't get me wrong, I still hurt when they hurt (as most of us parents do) but I have learned I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. My sons are not responsible for mine either but by keeping myself in a state of mourning on their dire situation, I felt like it gave me some control or something...which is certainly didn't.

Getting through this is a full time job and requires a good support system. But it's all possible because when you realize it's YOU that needs to change, well that's something attainable.

 

[healinginside]

You do not know how much I needed to hear this today. He is on the street now, sleeping behind a business. I felt so guilty last night using my pillow in bed. I felt the same as you did eating dinner last night. How can I eat and enjoy a good meal when he is out there? Your messages are giving me strength to get through this. I'm sorry you had to go through everything you have gone through to help others - you are giving me wisdom and strength. I never imagined myself to be in this situation. Knowing someone else is getting through it helps tremendously. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

 

[JayPee]

I think a lot of us experience this too. As we crawl into our comfortable beds with warm blankets our hearts ache with the sadness of what we wish could "be" for our children.

I pray for the homeless all the time but I also pray for the mothers, fathers and loved ones who feel such sadness because their children are on the streets in some capacity.

I'll continue to pray for you and your son. But take it one day at a time, if need be, one hour at a time.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi! I used to come here quite regularly, but haven’t been here much the last couple of years. I had a huge problem with my son these last couple of years, but he is now on medications, therapy, and doing very well. I had to go to the doctor when this spiraled out of control, to get medications myself, for anxiety.

Have you looked into NAMI online?

Also, you can call the homeless shelters in the area he is in, and see what they have for services. Maybe in your area as well. They deal with these issues quite often, and may be able to give you some info you can use.