I need some advice

[FallingIn]

I am trying to step back and let him take care of his own issues. I know I haven't succeeded in this yet, but at least I'm not 'saving' him from all his poor choices. I still buy him groceries. I probably shouldn't, and maybe soon I will stop that too. He has been cut off of financial assistance now, so he has no money coming in. Not sure what will happen there, but for now I am letting him take care of it. His rent is due Nov 1, but no money is coming so he can't pay rent.
I also keep trying to explain things in different ways to see if something resonates with him.

Thanks everyone for helping me stay strong and sticking to my boundaries. It helps to know I am not alone.

 

[FallingIn]

Wow, I reread the thread and can't believe it's been this long. Lots has happened since I last posted. My son has been in and out of my house, more calls to the police, he was facing jail time so finally agreed to rehab to avoid jail time. He's been in rehab for about 2 months now and is coming home in a couple of weeks. I am very nervous about this. He's been sober while in rehab and he says he is going to stay sober but I know that it is easier said than done. He plans on getting counselling and attending therapy sessions. I'm attending family support to be able to help support him when he returns. It won't be easy, but I am willing to give it a try.

My main issue now is that he has burned his bridges with our relatives. My daughter doesn't want anything to do with him. My sister and my Dad are very worried he is coming back, and my sister keeps telling me he can't act the way he did before. I know this, I don't need to be told this. I also know I can't control what he does when he comes back so I feel like I am failing everyone by giving him another chance. I feel so alone. My family makes it sound like it should be easy to set boundaries. If it were easy I would have done this years ago. So, I feel like such a failure and just want to go hide somewhere. I only have one sister, they don't have any kids so they don't really understand the attachment we have with our kids. I feel like I've been abandoned by everyone because I am giving my son yet another chance. It makes me so sad. I feel like I am being forced to choose between my family and my son. Does anyone else have to make the choice between their family and their addicted child? I know if my husband were still alive, he would be doing the same - making me make the choice of him or my son. I just paid literally thousands of dollars for his rehab. I know if I sent him to the homeless shelter he wouldn't stand a chance to stay sober. I guess I am looking for validation that what I am doing is the right thing to do. My son has no friends, so he has no where else to go either.

 

[healinginside]

Wow, I reread the thread and can't believe it's been this long. Lots has happened since I last posted. My son has been in and out of my house, more calls to the police, he was facing jail time so finally agreed to rehab to avoid jail time. He's been in rehab for about 2 months now and is coming home in a couple of weeks. I am very nervous about this. He's been sober while in rehab and he says he is going to stay sober but I know that it is easier said than done. He plans on getting counselling and attending therapy sessions. I'm attending family support to be able to help support him when he returns. It won't be easy, but I am willing to give it a try.

My main issue now is that he has burned his bridges with our relatives. My daughter doesn't want anything to do with him. My sister and my Dad are very worried he is coming back, and my sister keeps telling me he can't act the way he did before. I know this, I don't need to be told this. I also know I can't control what he does when he comes back so I feel like I am failing everyone by giving him another chance. I feel so alone. My family makes it sound like it should be easy to set boundaries. If it were easy I would have done this years ago. So, I feel like such a failure and just want to go hide somewhere. I only have one sister, they don't have any kids so they don't really understand the attachment we have with our kids. I feel like I've been abandoned by everyone because I am giving my son yet another chance. It makes me so sad. I feel like I am being forced to choose between my family and my son. Does anyone else have to make the choice between their family and their addicted child? I know if my husband were still alive, he would be doing the same - making me make the choice of him or my son. I just paid literally thousands of dollars for his rehab. I know if I sent him to the homeless shelter he wouldn't stand a chance to stay sober. I guess I am looking for validation that what I am doing is the right thing to do. My son has no friends, so he has no where else to go either.

Success after rehab is greatly increased for your son if you provide support for his recovery. Your sister can never understand how you feel as his mother but she is just trying to protect you and keep you safe.

You mentioned family counseling. I strongly suggest that you join naranon family support group. I do it via zoom and I don't have to show my face and it is completely anonymous. It has helped me tremendously. There are thousands of other mothers facing what you are facing and it helps to know you are not alone.

This is a good article on supporting vs enabling Helping vs. Enabling: What’s the Difference?

Your son took the first brave step of being sober. Recognize that. Tell him you are proud of his sobriety and you want to work toward healing. Try to remember only he can do this. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

I wish you the best in your journey.

 

[FallingIn]

Thanks for your reply. My son is home now. Nothing has changed with his outlook on life, but he is now sober so my home is less disruptive. Even my dogs are more relaxed around him, so they can tell the difference too. He went to one AA meeting, has had 1 session with a counsellor and has decided to give up. He told me that he doesn't see himself being in this life for much longer. I don't know what happens in his counselling sessions, but he tells me they all tell him to just suck it up and get on with his life. He has been to numerous counsellers, doctors etc. I don't get it why they don't seem to want to help him. And of course I can't find out what is really going on because he is an adult. I will look into naranon family support. I do feel like I need help coping with this.

 

[Crayola13]

Does he think he can’t stay off of drugs/alcohol forever? He sounds depressed, too. Is he involved in any healthy hobbies or working at a job he likes? He’s probably down in the dumps because he can’t have contact with certain friends anymore who are still using drugs or drinking heavily. Life doesn’t sound like fun when you can’t hang out at your old favorite places anymore. He will eventually find other ways to occupy his time and enjoy himself. If he keeps pushing, he will find that there is more to life than drugs/alcohol, and that depression is treatable.

 

[FallingIn]

Well it's now fall and son has been home for about 6 months. He's started drinking and weed again. The weed I can tolerate, but the drinking is hard. He is also addicted to video games so he plays most of his time and when drunk gets really angry at the other people on the game, yells, and just becomes intolerable. So why don't I kick him out? Because once again I am trying to save him. He has a peace bond that ends May 2024. If he stays out of trouble until then, he won't have a criminal record. He doesn't work, he doesn't have a drivers license and his excuse for both is he is too anxious and "stupid" to do anything. The one positive is he has a girlfriend that keeps him a bit on the right road. This girlfriend has a full time job so I'm not sure how long she'll want to keep him around. Neither of them have any friends so it's just the 2 of them. She moved here recently as well and has not made any friends yet. Another positive is my son is now taking his antidepressants regularly and he says he's feeling much less depressed. So, I'm just here venting. I already know I won't kick him out as I want him to complete his peace bond. I will have to live with the consequences and I have no one else to talk to as I think my friends and family are done with it. I wish so much I could just detach from him. He is so immature and can't see past today. He sees a counsellor every 2 weeks and his probation officer 1/month, maybe something will click with him.

 

[Copabanana]

The one positive is he has a girlfriend that keeps him a bit on the right road.

Another positive is my son is now taking his antidepressants regularly and he says he's feeling much less depressed.

He sees a counsellor every 2 weeks

These are good things! This is why you're doing this!

Can you own your choice? What I am saying is that it seems you have decided or chosen to support your son. Even though it's difficult to tolerate him and he is doing things that bother you, completing his peace bond so he won't have a criminal record is a powerful reason. I understand you would wish to detach from him, and maybe you should, but these are the reasons you have not. It's unfair to beat yourself up.

Can you think about what's next? How long you will go along with this arrangement, and what behaviors or conditions would cause you to stop or to detach? That way you may not feel weak or like a doormat.

I would also suggest that you speak to him directly about his drinking. Tell him how his drinking affects you, and that tolerating living with somebody drinking to excess is not something you want. I would also lay out clearly to him, what your bottom lines are. Phrase all of this in terms of what you need in order to live comfortably. He has the absolute right to live as he chooses, as long as he supports himself and does not hurt anybody else. Nobody could or should deal in their own home, with somebody who is imposing onto them bad behavior.

 

[Deni D]

Fallingin ~ It's tough, we know. I'm hoping his girlfriend is not much into drinking and she has a good influence on him. If you think he will listen to you maybe tell him alcohol is known to decrease the positive affects of antidepressants. That he might be feeling even better if he tries reducing the alcohol for a bit.

We know how different it is when trying to talk to friends and family who although have good intentions sometimes just can't relate to our situations. Come here and talk to us, doesn't matter how you handle things, we know what it's like.

 

[Nomad]

These were things that stood out in your posts to me as concerning...each one followed by the other in subsequent posts....
"and has decided to give up."
"son has been home for about 6 months. He's started drinking and weed again."
" He is so immature and can't see past today. He sees a counsellor every 2 weeks and his probation officer 1/month, maybe something will click with him."

But, I do appreciate and totally understand that you seem to be trying to focus on some positives and that includes a girlfriend trying to guide him and this: "He sees a counsellor every 2 weeks and his probation officer 1/month, maybe something will click with him."

Over the many years with our daughter, we have found that if more than one person tells her the same thing...gives the same piece of advice, perhaps worded a little differently, it's a little more likely to stick. A girlfriend is probably a particularly strong influence.

Also, I have found that most of my friends and relatives had difficulty relating / comprehending the situation with our daughter. BUT, those who interacted with her for more than brief periods of time, eventually had a better understanding.

Be careful to set boundaries within your household...good for you and good for him too.

 

[Crayola14]

Where did his self loathing and self hatred come from? What or who may have played a part in making him feel that way about himself? Was he bullied in school? Why did he not complete his education? Did he think he wasn’t capable? Was there an undiagnosed learning disability? Was he frequently in trouble at school? For some students, it’s simply lack or interest or academic boredom if they don’t do well or stay in school. You mentioned ADD. Did he often feel like he was different from the other students, or couldn’t relate to them? Why does he think he’s disfigured? Is he referring to his physical appearance?

 

[Tiredof33]

I can understand your wanting to do everything in your power to help your son. After all is said and done, they are still our children.

I took my 16yo son to take his GED exam and sat in a hot Florida humid summer sun in a car with no air conditioning for 3 hours waiting for him to finish the exam. I knew the moment I drove away he would walk out without taking the exam. Having a HS diploma, or GED, is so valuable. I felt I had to do this for my son's future. I hoped one day he would mature and find it useful.

My family doesn't want contact with my son, his sister and her husband try, but he exhausts them too, her 2 daughters refuse to be in the same room with him. I think one is afraid of him. My family gossiped about him years ago, but that clique had children that grew up and were gossiped about too, lol.

Sending you peaceful loving thoughts. I also think it's wonderful he has a girlfriend and she is supportive. She has a job, lol, that's a gold star for me.
(((hugs)))

 

[Copabanana]

I took my 16yo son to take his GED exam and sat in a hot Florida humid summer sun in a car with no air conditioning for 3 hours waiting for him to finish the exam. I knew the moment I drove away he would walk out without taking the exam. Having a HS diploma, or GED, is so valuable. I felt I had to do this for my son's future.

I did something similar. I don't regret it. Eventually, my son had to stand on his own two feet and he didn't. He has yet to make wise choices. He is 35 now. But I don't regret what I did when he was 18. Who knew? And who knows if he won't find within him something that will prompt a change. Your child, too.

The focus however needs to be on us. How do we need to live? What makes us happy, content, and secure? It can't be about our children indefinitely, or we will curdle and sour, our lives will, too. We deserve to live well. As much as we want and need them to live well, our lives have value too. Equal value. We can forget that sometimes.

I don't forget that anymore. I suffer, yes. But I can turn the page. It's my book, after all.

 

[Copabanana]

Where did his self loathing and self hatred come from? What or who may have played a part in making him feel that way about himself? Was he bullied in school? Why did he not complete his education?

I think most if not all of us begin our adult lives with deficits and wounds. But if we have full intellectual capacity we are responsible for addressing these deficits and wounds. Sometimes, even, parents cause wounds. Even still, we as individuals must take responsibility for working through these injuries and overcoming them, if we can. Not everybody does this, but there is freedom of choice. Every day people are getting out of prison who have been addicts and hardened criminals and they decide to change. And they do. They go to a Rescue Mission and a sober living house and they decide to follow rules. And they begin to take responsibility for their lives. Just like that.

I believe that often the whys are unknowable and the search for them can be dangerous and destructive. I believe that how when and what are more important questions. As in, how will I fix myself, what do I need to do and when will I do it? Injury and brokenness define life in this world. That is how I believe. I didn't always. I do now.

When parents focus on the whys of our situations, they too often turn against themselves. (And our kids bash us too.) And the parents delude themselves into believing it is their responsibility to fix things. This we know is so very destructive and hurtful to everybody. We cannot fix the past. Our children, almost all of them, are adults. It's not that we don't care, it's that all of the power, potential, and control is with our adult children.

 

[Crayola14]

I think we have to get the root cause of why people have mental illnesses or use drugs. If a person can get counseling about those problems and behavioral coaching, it sometimes helps. Drugs and dysfunctional behavior are usually just a symptom of an underlying problem. It’s often hereditary, particularly mental illness and substance abuse. If a person can figure out why they feel compelled to drink heavily or act in a manner that is unsafe or against the law, a therapist might be able to help them overcome some of that.

 

[Copabanana]

If a person can get counseling about those problems and behavioral coaching, it sometimes helps. Drugs and dysfunctional behavior are usually just a symptom of an underlying problem. It’s often hereditary, particularly mental illness and substance abuse.

The thing is that as parents of adults, we don't have the power to get them to psychotherapy or other interventions. I have tried and tried. Both of my son's birth parents were addicted to drugs. I fault myself greatly because I believed that environment would trump heredity. Even had I stressed the danger he faced by any use of drugs, I doubt I would have changed the trajectory of our lives. He has never, ever listened to me.

 

[Crayola14]

The reason I was asking about why he thinks he’s disfigured, is because I’ve taught school for over two decades, so I’ve seen how dental work, acne treatment, etc. can really boost a young person’s confidence. I’ve seen whole new personalities emerge from some of those kids after weight loss, etc.

 

[Nomad]

Our daughter, for the first time, is asking to see a counselor. We think this is a potentially good thing. It might indicate that she is seeking help for her problems. But, she is still exhibiting the same routine of blaming every body else in the world for her woes and not assuming an ounce of personal responsibility. A very rare moment of forethought for making a decision. So, it's unclear to me how these things can reconcile. BUT, I do think of it as a positive that at least she is perhaps to a certain extent is recognizing there are problems within her life (sigh...but never looking within herself) and that she is seeking help....even if perchance she is claiming that it's just bad luck or everyone in the world is mean to her. Sigh. Still, a bit of a positive , right? I'm holding on to that. As a related side note...our daughter has weight issues...that she fairly often complains about...a little less so recently...BUT...she doesn't think it's her fault and has zero desire to try any diets or talk with her doctor or anyone about her weight gain. She will usually tell you it's not her fault or at times she will say she is fine with being overweight ...but on another day will complain miserably about it...it's a horrible viscous cycle and there is NO speaking to her about it as she has ZERO desire to do anything about it or to even speak honestly about it. I do think it is negative on her self esteem...but there is no discussing it, etc. She takes no responsibility , will not be honest and can in fact get violent over this particular topic.

 

[Copabanana]

Still, a bit of a positive , right?

I think so. What is that saying, to walk a mile begins with one step. A lot of people have little insight but are still able to change, through self-interest. She gets SSI no? If so, that means she has Medicare. There are a lot of excellent therapists who take Medicare. She could go to the psychologytoday.com referral service. It is free. There is a place to indicate insurance. And a lot of people will pop up. She can read the bios. I think Telemed is just fine, by video or by phone. That will open it up to therapists throughout your state. It is necessary to contact a bunch. Based on my experience. Because a lot of them don't call back. Good Luck.

 

[Crayola14]

I wish she would see a nutrition specialist because they can customize a diet plan. She can tell them what foods she hates or loves, etc. They can give you menu plans based on what you like if you aren’t creative enough to group the foods together for a meal. She might enjoy learning to cook. If not, there are simple dishes that require no cooking. Going to a nutrition specialist takes the guesswork out of it all. I list a significant amount of weight years ago doing this.

Counseling might help if she’s open minded enough. She might get angry and stop going, but we can hope she sticks with it.

 

[FallingIn]

Thanks for listening and all your replies. My son had psychological testing done a few months ago, they diagnosed with depression and severe ADD. They said he must have really struggled at school with this. I know he did, but in my ignorance, I didn't want to believe he had ADD so I never addressed it. He was just labelled disruptive, always put at the back of the class, or in the hallway, and disliked by most teachers. He eventually gave up, I'm sure he felt like a loser and quit school in grade 8. He says he drinks because it is the only thing that makes him feel better about himself. So, I keep telling him I don't want him drinking at home - and obviously he knows he can get away with it because I let him. I have told him after his peace bond is over, then if he hasn't improved his situation (getting a job, not drinking at home), then he will have to move out. I am thinking I will move too and not tell him where I'm going so he can't come back home. How drastic is that???
He actually doesn't have anything that really "disfigures" him. He has had multiple surgeries for abdominal obstructions that have left large scars down his abdomen, and had 2 surgeries on his penis, that he feels is ugly so for a young guy this is probably devastating. But he has some really good physical appearances - he's actually pretty good looking, is over 6 ft tall and doesn't have an ounce of fat on him. Before he started going out with his girlfriend, he was on Tinder (which is where he met her) and he said he was so surprised at the number of girls who had interest in him. That's a whole other world for me, but my daughter met her guy on Tinder too and they've been together for 7 years.
Anyway - thanks for being here for me. I don't feel as alone with what I'm dealing with.

Nomad - it is a long process but positive that your daughter has asked to see a counselor. Every little bit helps.