In a totally new place and need perspective? Cedar? Anyone?

[Scent of Cedar *]

There are only two ways to go from this event. The first is to turn inward. To try to tone down whatever feature or attribute brings negative attention or enhances difference. To assimilate. To internalize shame and maybe even self-hatred. Some people think this is what happened to American Jewry in post-war America.

And what happened to a certain poster, here on this site.

Me.

How fortunate we are, to have seen this; to have come to know the truth of it.

The other way is to look outside oneself, to the future and the past. To take stock. Of ones history and values. Of possibilities and options. To decide to honor your history. Proudly. Affirmatively. Take a stand for who you are. And go from there.

Learning. No denial. No hiding. No living in the margins. No second guessing. Standing tall. Speaking the truth. Rooting out vulnerability and shame and rancor. Standing among equals. Holding responsible without blaming. Never forgetting. Celebrating and insisting upon survival. *I was surprised to learn that Germany is among the staunchest of Israel's allies.

Their eyes have been opened. To viciousness, to the cost of it; to the insidious lure of it.

As we are being divided and encouraged to hate manufactured victims, today.

What more ugly a story could there be than losing maybe a third of your people, slaughtered? With the world watching, as if in consent.

There are many ugly stories in the Savage Garden.

Partial birth abortion; burgeoning prisons. A homeless, addicted generation, raised without heroes. People of color who prey on their own, fomenting hatred when it is only honor and the integrity come of it that could possibly save us, now. Wars funded on money borrowed from a dream, deferred. Women burnt alive in the name of a Church founded on the power in the choice to love, and to teach and forgive. The kitchen, the heart of the home, gone cold. Food eaten from sterile, cellophane packages that carry no scent.

In that tapestry I am always posting about, the Jewish people are the People of the Book; are the people who remember.

They are coming to the forefront, now. Not in vengeance, but in warning.

It can happen, these things that are unbelievable; they are happening, now.

From this perspective they meekly, like sheep, went to their deaths. As if, they almost consented *which is certainly not the case. They did not fight back.

Ridicule first. Then, victimization, possible only because the ridicule was not addressed. The power in our words, in what we allow when we do not say STOP.

They believed it too, Copa.

Just like we believe what we were taught about ourselves.

Ridicule first. (What would Cedar do.) Then, victimization.

Who is the liar, here.

They are very wrong, just as we are when we blame ourselves and feel shame for things that happened to us. We have taken on the viewpoint of the aggressor towards us. We look upon and act upon ourselves as if dehumanized.

If we take responsibility for crimes against us, and use our own victimization against ourselves we as if consent to those acts that sought to deprive us of humanity, spirit and personality. We dehumanize ourselves further by perpetuating our victimization by our own hand. And we feel the shame and responsibility of both the victim and the perpetrator.

And on top of everything there are now the Holocaust deniers. It did not even happen they say. A playing for sympathy and attention. They say. A manipulation. Of course we can see the parallels in our families.

Yes.

When we see ourselves as responsible for the situations in which we found ourselves we identify with the aggressor and take responsibility for things that were done to us. We feel the shame. We spare those that did hurtful and horrible things. We take on shame that is rightfully theirs.

Yes.

We need to see them abusing us through our eyes and not see ourselves being a thing destined to be abused, through theirs.

We need to do that.

That is how we see the wrongness in what was and refute it.

And refute the things that we were taught were true about us.

Honor is a choice. It is a point of view. About oneself. Think about a duel. In the moment someone was insulted, they could have walked away. Chosen to minimize or capitulate. One decides honor.

Yes.

And that potential to honor the self is what our abusers twisted and made it impossible for us to claim a right to.

Honor.

Integrity of self.

Until now.

It can also mean treating with respect and keeping a commitment.

If we are talking about betrayal of self, we betray ourselves when we do not act towards ourselves from honor. To honor oneself is to treat ourselves with respect and adhering to what is right for us. No matter what. To make paramount our commitments to ourselves, and to each other.

Nobody but us can decide whether we deserve honor. Or whether we deserve to be betrayed by our own hand. The jury is always out. There is evidence to prove either side. We decide.

"Treat me fairly."

"Let me win. If I cannot win, let me be brave."

Cedar

Copa, do you know Masada? The Jewish inhabitants committed mass suicide rather than to be taken captive. They honored themselves, they were able to honor themselves, to behave with integrity, because they had not been ridiculed. They had not been taught to hate themselves. They were not taught they had no honor to claim. they died, but they died with integrity.

Okinawa. The enslaved peasants were not allowed weapons. They developed a martial arts system based on using the tools at hand as weapons. The sharp sworded samurai came to destroy them for their rebellion. Knowing they would die, the peasants filled their stomachs with small pebbles, to blunt and twist and destroy the samurai swords as they cut the peasants in half at the waist.

Both stories are true.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm not so far ahead of you, Cedar. Don't sell yourself short. We're done doing that, right?

I had an interesting experience over the weekend and I'll try to make it as concise as I can. But it did let me know how well I'm doing.

I was trying to charge my cellphone in the car on the way home and, as usual, it was bouncing all over and we hit a bump and the "smart" phone (I don't think they're so smart) came down on my lap showing me a place I never look and didn't even know I had. Most of it was covered up by my main screen, but I saw two words "I'm still"

I saw my own phone number and was just about to delete it and forget it when I noticed her number under mine. You know who I mean. I shook my head and deleted it and then told my hubby.

What did she text me for after all this time?

I didn't care.

I honestly didn't care.

It's too late for her to ever tell me she's sorry and wants to try again.

She's too gone from my world for me to care if she was baiting me or sending me something just plain mean.

It's too late.

I have her number blocked so normally if she keeps trying to contact me, it will go to a place I could never figure out how to get to again and don't want to.

I am starting to feel extreme indifference and that's to me the real sign of healing. When you just don't let anything somebody else have the power to change your mood. But this just happened. Yes, I worked hard on it, but the indifference came with time and not reading. Yes, I cheated to see if she still posted there. I am no longer a member and I know she has at least been suspended and can no longer hate on me there.

The site itself has nothing for me there. Anyone dramatic is gone from my life.

So that's my little victory story. I didn't care. I'm not curious. I'll never know. It doesn't matter.

I got home from seeing Princess and BuddhaBaby maybe an hour ago and it's incredible how tired you get just being the passenger of a driven car...haha. It's very hot out today and after I walk the dogs, I think I'm going to veg out and relax.

Does anyone know about Scientology? We saw this great documentary (and scary one) at my daugher's place yesterday. Maybe I'll start a thread about it. I had no idea what they did to those who tried to leave their cult.

Haha..I guess in a very minor way that could symbolize our childhoods and attempts to leave it behind as adults?

At any rate, it was excellent and hubby is going to see if NetFlex or Amazon Prime have it so we can watch it without baby distracting grammy. The fact is, with this little cutie in my space, it is impossible to pay total attention to the screen...

Hope you all have a great day!!! Serenity to all.

 

[BusynMember]

I want to address my own lack of community feelings toward my Jewish roots. It is sad, but I have no connection that is really in my heart. See...

The Jewish Holiays were days of terror at our house. I would be nervous for a week in advance of any holiday, especially Yom Yippor, the highest holy day when you are to fast to atone for your sins.

What happened on the holidays?

The fights that my parents had every Sunday morning were scary to me. The ones they had on the holidays were 10X the hate, screaming and passion. I don't remember much more than raging by both. I am not even 100% sure what they raged about. My memory is that of a kid and a teen who tuned it out when I got older. I remember that both of my parents felt the other ones family did not celebrate the right way and were yanking us kids to do it his/her way. I remember some details.

My father was tarred and feathered for driving on the holidays because his temple was far away. It was where his family went. But then he would say my mother's family was not religious enough even though we walked to the only temple that existed in our suburb and it was Orthodox or Traditional.

The level of tension and hatred and screaming would always be at abuse/violence levels.

My father could not go without eating. It made him crabby. Or maybe it was more because perhaps he wasn't smoking. Back then I think he still smoked. Either way, Yom Kippor was the day all three of us feared the most.

We had no fun Channukah parties or family get togethers to make us enjoy being Jewish and none of us are, although both of our parents were Jewish on both sides of t heir families. So something went wrong there. None of us had any traditons to look forward to continuing; just horrible memories.

Now, regarding myself, I also had the memory of being a Jewish kid in a Jewish neighborhood, overwhelmingly so, and being teased, ridiculed and abused badly for eight of my school years by the other Jewish kids. I wasn't smart enough, rich enough, dressed right, cool enough, I was underdeveloped, I was dorky looking...you name it. The few friends I made were usually the other outcasts...non-Jews. They seemed much nicer and less materialistic to me. So I shunned Jews and swore I would find another spiritual path when I got older. And on a very real level, Judaism didn't have enough religion in it to me. Not enough to believe in. More tradition than talk of a God,, whom I now think of as my HIgher Power. I needed and wanted more and, as hard as I studied my own personal defects so I could change, I studied various spiritual belefs and found my way. In the path, I crossed Christianity too and, although I thought there was more in it than Judaism, I sadly could never totally believe the story about Christ, which made me unable to be a Christian in my heart. I did try hard. I have nothing, nothing, nothing but good thoughts about those who DO believe. I'm a little jealous, in fact. But that isn't the path wehre I ended.

I am very certain of my own spiritual beliefs. They are unshakable. I feel they have been proven to me. A good part of my beliefs can be found in Buddhism, but it is more than that. But I love Buddhist wisdom and do feel connected to those who want to find their highest truth. That I can relate to.

But this is about me and my lack of ties to my ethnicity. I do think of Jewish as both ethnic and religious. I am neither. If one did not know my parents were Jewish, one would never mistake me for somebody who started out that way. I have lived amongst non-Jews since age 20 and have lost any ethnic stereotypes (good and bad) far behind me.

It is kind of another sad consequence of having had a horrible childhood on all levels. I wiped my childhood out of my adult life and being Jewish was part of it and it was not pleasant to be Jewish if you lived in our home. It was kind of scary.

More ramblings about my childhood because I feel a vent bubbling up...(leave now if you are already bored...lol)

I don't have any positive childhood memories beyond the odd play I was in or the vacations in Michigan. The few good parts do not really involve my family members. Any fun times are postponed until my teen years, but even my teen years were very dotted with deep depressions, mixed states (which are manic and depression condensed into one) and trying to stay a virgin while everyone was trying not to. And not taking drugs or drinking while everyone else did. I just wanted to be good.

I thought not getting into serious trouble symbolized "good."

I also thought that not getting into trouble when I knew I had depression was probably smart.

It was smart. I was so underdeveloped in so many ways, yet so overdeveloped in other ways. Just like the non-verbal learning disorder's huge descrpency between verbal and performance level skills.

Back to my feelings on my lack of community toward Jewishness:

If somebody were to ask me if I were Jewish (and it's been decades since anyone has) my answer would be this: "My parents were both Jewish, but I'm not."

Jewish people believe if your mother is Jewish you are Jewish regardless and it's fine if they believe that way.

But I don't define myself by what others think anymore. And in the instance of my Jewishness...I knew I was not Jewish very early in my identity search. I knew it every time my parents screamed each holiday and the kids told me I wasn't good enough. Who were they to tell me that?

I did ask my father about our family connection to the Holocaust. I was told, there was none. By the time Hitler had spawned his evil, my Dad was twelve years old and in America. I don't know why I ever thought my grandparents had fled Russia because of Hitler, but that was also not true. They just came here.

So this short post turned into a novel, as usual.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Carolyn Myss, Sarah ban Breathnack have been on Super Soul.

Discussing betrayal and self compromise as markers.

I hope each of you reading this morning are watching.

Because with my mother gone, and the stuff distributed, all that is left is us.

And she refuses to cherish everything that might be. She chooses hatred, instead. You cannot choose for her Copa, anymore than I can choose for my sister, or believe something into being that does not exist.

What in the world does this mean? First, I am blushing. I find this wildly inappropriate under any circumstances. Even privately. Does it mean that she wanted to shame you by exposing you as discreet?

I don't know. It seemed funny, that she would say that. It seemed that I was ridiculed for honoring a commitment I did not question.

"What's the difference between those people who hurt you and what you are doing to yourself."

Carolyn Myss

She just said that. On Oprah Super Soul.

She wrote "A Course in Miracles." She is a medical intuitive.

I have to mention here that my father would do this to me when I was a little girl. I would be on the bed with him. I feel nausea at the thought.

I'm sorry that happened to you, Copa.

I wish for you that your father had been a better man, a better father. I know he wanted to be, Copa.

I know he did.

Bad men don't tickle.

There used to be (and maybe still is) a working theory, a branch of modern psychoanalysis with that name. Control-Mastery. The idea that we seek to have control where there was none. There is the urge to master those traumas of the past. We do so in our contemporary relationships. That is not the same thing as saying we seek out betrayal or hurt. We seek to have control in situations where in the past we were hurt and betrayed. In order to find mastery.

I think this, this morning, about this idea of self betrayal.

Could it be that we don't see the things others spot as wrong? Could it be less an attempt at mastery than that we feel in familiar territory when the warning bells clang? Until finally, we recognize familiar as fatal?

Flattery ~ I am so focused on flattery this morning, plays its part, here. The bruised woman, having breakfast with her very attentive abuser, who is giving the waitress the eye right in front of her.

I was that waitress.

The woman never raised her eyes, Copa and Serenity.

Her face was bruised, her attitude...it was as though she were not there. That is self betrayal. She knew. She was shamed; eating breakfast with her abuser.

I knew.

And I was just a kid.

The man was slimy guy person.

Security Boy without the paperwork, maybe.

Safe harbor from a storm he creates and has no intention of allowing to abate. Temping her in with broken, flattering words and promises and blame.

If she would only look up.

 

[BusynMember]

Her face was bruised, her attitude...it was as though she were not there. That is self betrayal. She knew. She was shamed; eating breakfast with her abuser.

I feel badly thinking bout her, Cedar. Of course her shame was there for all to see. At least...at least...we could try to hide our own.

I'll bet you wanted to scratch his eyes out, Cedar. I would have wanted to do that. Bully with no conscience who has the gall to think maybe you'd want him. Gives me the creeps just thinking about it.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I'm not so far ahead of you, Cedar. Don't sell yourself short. We're done doing that, right?

In so many instances Serenity, you have been where I get to. The posts about abusive adult children. The posts about letting go of loving our families of origin in self defeating ways. Not that we shouldn't love them, we do. But in the choosing to let go, hard as that struggle is.

Those kinds of things. In that sense, you have been where I am going.

So, I know I will get there and what it might look like and how to steer toward that place; that emotional space that is about saying what is seen and responding to what is.

So, a coming home to the center of the self.

Knowing it will be a struggle. That is invaluable to me. Hearing the pain and confusion and hope in it. Knowing I am not the only one whose sister....

That kind of thing. But you are right Serenity. We are facing and naming and coming through it.

I like the good work we are doing here, very much.

Thank you both.

I shook my head and deleted it and then told my hubby.

Oh, no.

I think I would have read it. Oh, good for you that you were able to delete it.

What did D H say about it? My D H says: "You can do whatever you want. I want no part of them."

What did she text me for after all this time?

I didn't care.

I honestly didn't care.

This is amazing. I am so glad this is how it is for you.

It's too late for her to ever tell me she's sorry and wants to try again.

She's too gone from my world for me to care if she was baiting me or sending me something just plain mean.

It's too late.

I say this but I think I don't mean it, but I do. Still in a place of confusion with all of it. With the regret of it. Still feel a little lost and lonely and rejected about it. It is what it is. It will take the time that it takes. There is nothing I need to do.

The way I see myself in relation to my mom and my sister is changing.

That's alright. D H says I twist myself into guilty, when the truth is that my mom hung up on me. Was rude, abrupt ~ power over mode for sure ~ and hung up on me. Not the other way around. Then, he says: She could have called you. Any time within those first hours or weeks or months.

And it has been almost a year and a half.

So then I am standing, again.

I'm sorry, Serenity. We were talking about your sister's text.

I am glad you didn't read it.

No cheating, for us.

We know who they are now and more importantly, we are coming to know who we are.

We deserve better than sisters (or moms, in my case) determined to hurt us.

It's like they just can't leave us alone. You were right. She is probably stalking you here and wanted to play "Let's go back to when I used to abuse Serenity by text."

Poor thing. She needs to get her life in order too, just like we are.

If it weren't so disturbing, it would be a kind of validation.

At least my sister leaves me alone.

I am starting to feel extreme indifference and that's to me the real sign of healing. When you just don't let anything somebody else have the power to change your mood. But this just happened. Yes, I worked hard on it, but the indifference came with time and not reading. Yes, I cheated to see if she still posted there. I am no longer a member and I know she has at least been suspended and can no longer hate on me there.

You don't deserve to be hated, Serenity. You merit being cherished for the beautiful human being you are. I can't figure out why they pick to hate us instead, either.

That's on them then, I guess.

I am glad you felt indifference. Of course you knew she would go ballistic when what she was doing became clear so clear that she was shut down.

Why is she stalking? What does she hope to accomplish. Blaming you for what she does to herself, I suppose.

You are different, now.

We all are.

Yay for us.

We never had the sisters we believed we had. It is better for us to remember that true thing.

So that's my little victory story. I didn't care. I'm not curious. I'll never know. It doesn't matter.

That is a huge victory story. No useless pain or self recrimination about the strange, hurtful things our sisters seem determined to do.

I can't believe she texted you.

Maybe next she will send a card.

Don't open it. Just put "Return to Sender."

I was just thinking. You have many wonderful things coming up in your life that she will never have been part of.

It will be even easier then never to wonder about her again.

I got home from seeing Princess and BuddhaBaby

Ha! I love Buddha Baby.

:O)

Does anyone know about Scientology? We saw this great documentary (and scary one) at my daugher's place yesterday. Maybe I'll start a thread about it. I had no idea what they did to those who tried to leave their cult.

Haha..I guess in a very minor way that could symbolize our childhoods and attempts to leave it behind as adults?

Yes.

Oh, yes.

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

I think I would have read it. Oh, good for you that you were able to delete it.

What did D H say about it? My D H says: "You can do whatever you want. I want no part of them."

Well, years ago, probably due to my D H giving me self-esteem of a sort, and blotting out my void, I DID refuse to read my brother's accusatory letter. Some tell me that took a lot of willpower, but it didn't. I had no desire to hear the old "you're this, you did that, you are what I say you are, blah, blah, blah." It made the trash and I never did want to see it.

My sister is no longer a part of my life. Even the times I cheated, I just cheated to see IF she was posting, not WHAT she was posting. And I stopped reading her stuff a long time ago. Now I no longer belong to that community and she no longer can post meanly about me. I have less than zero incentive to find out what's on her mind. It's too late for her to apologize. It's too late for her to make me care if she wants to bait me. I'm not playing with her anymore.

What did husband say?

My husband thinks she is not an asset in my life. She has tried calling him to complain about me.

I'm grateful the cover page had blocked out most of her text. Must have been meant to be. I believe in that sort of thing. Like it's a sign to keep doing what I'm doing.

Cedar, what would be the gain you'd get in a situation like mine if you had read the text? That's where I've landed. What's the point? What do I gain? Yes, it's all about me on MY phone (kind of like my house is my castle). What do I gain by letting this person contact me on my own phone? What would you have gained by reading it?

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

None of us had any traditons to look forward to continuing; just horrible memories.

That's awful.

I'm so sorry.

One of our down South neighbors is Jewish. His partner is Christian. They bring the Menorah and light that days candle for all of us at our house. (Not last year. Last year was just a mess. But for the two ears before that they did. And we heard about his traditions and their meaning and it was truly lovely.)

I wish you had had those memories, too.

My mother made beautiful Christmases for us. I still remember waking up to the presents under the tree. I don't remember one bad thing that happened on Christmas. All the cousins spent Christmas vacations with my grandmother on her farm, sliding and eating pea soup.

By the time Hitler had spawned his evil, my Dad was twelve years old and in America. I don't know why I ever thought my grandparents had fled Russia because of Hitler, but that was also not true. They just came here.

They may have fled during or after the Russian revolution. As a little kid, you probably heard more about Hitler than Lenin or Stalin and got the stories mixed up.

The Jewish friend I was posting about earlier tells us he was raised in the heart of the Jewish part of New York City. Everywhere around him, everyone was Jewish. He thought the world was that way ~ that everyone was Jewish. When he left his neighborhood, he was devastated to learn there were people who hated him on principle.

It was hard for him to know that for a very long time.

He loves being Jewish. Loves the ritual and the mystery in it, for him, and the food. They brought potato latkes with apple sauce to Christmas Eve. It was very cool.

I wish you could have known that mystery and beauty in your childhood.

Bully with no conscience who has the gall to think maybe you'd want him. Gives me the creeps just thinking about it.

You know? He knew I wouldn't want him. It was an attitude of...I don't know. Nasty. Devaluing both women and coming out on top.

Power over, again.

Cedar

Now I know. Then, I didn't really know. But I never forgot that experience, or the bruising on the woman's face.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

But to invalidate the abuse of, what I truly believe, was a mother with a serious personality disorder...well, what do we have to say to one another?

What would YOU say?

I don't know. If she called, I would wonder whether my mother had died, or was dying. Remember I posted about my sister having left a message in a sad, tired voice "about mom" and it turned out to be that we needed to take her on a beach vacation. Just us. No one but her kids and her grand and me and my mom.

roar

But it threw me into that whole was-I-wrong in doing what I am doing.

As I am sure she intended.

What I do, when I think about it (and I don't let the fear of it dominate me like I was for awhile there), is tell myself I will handle it well.

That there is nothing I need to do.

I would listen, and respond honestly, as I did, last time.

I anticipate that my mom will reach out from the grave too, to try to hurt or label me and/or my kids and grands.

I understand the dynamic between all of us better now, and I am less vulnerable to it.

When I am better, I anticipate letting go altogether.

I am not at that place yet. I am heading that direction.

So that's good, then.

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

Cedar, I was jealous of Christmas. I wanted to celebrate Christmas. I was the most enthusiastic Christmas person on earth when I first celebrating it, when I was trying out the christian church with my first husband. Through the years, Christmas has been less religious and more familial, but I still try to make every Christmas fun for my kids and I will really enjoy spending this one with BuddhaBaby. My daughter isn't Christian either, like me more Buddhist, but they certainly will do a family Christmas with all of us, unless we choose two celebrations (one in Chicago, one in Wisconsin).

I am sorry too that I was not given a proper Jewish upbringing. However, it didn't happen and it is what it is.

I did have to laugh at your friend from NY. I was like him. I used to say to my mom, "Why do you say Jews are a minority? EVERYONE is Jewish."

After I married and left home, at the too young age of 20 (by one single month), I never talked about being Jewish and it never seemed to come up. I remember being at work and talking happily about how excited I was about Christmas so I guess nobody even figured it out after that. It was not a good memory for me, unfortunately. And I did not look "stereotypical Jewish."

Bart has no interested at all in his roots. He didn't know anyone from the evil family so he has no attachment to his roots. He remembers and thinks fondly of my ex's FOO. But then they were there for him and very kind people.

I did not want to celebrate two holidays. I wanted my children to grow up Christian. Only one did...lol....but none of them ever knew Jewish people. We didn't live where there were many Jews and they have been absent from the lives of my children. And my children, none of them, think well of the few FOO who are still living. They like my father ok, but he doesn't talk about Judaism to them.

 

[BusynMember]

I would listen, and respond honestly, as I did, last time.

See, or family dynamics are different.

My sister would not, I'd anticipate, just deliver the news trying to be civil. She does not try to be civil. She is passive aggressive and mean and I don't need that while hearing devestating news. I can't. I won't.

I'm pretty sure my father already has my brother set up to contact my husband. To be honest, my phone is not available to me anytime I'm at work and I'm not that good about carrying it around when I'm not at work. My husband is much easier to reach a nd I have told my father that my husband always has his phone on him and that if he ever needs anything, call him, not me. I'm apt to miss it.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I already told my dad to please have my husband contacted and my brother will call. If he doesn't listen, then I guess I won't know because she is not going to deliver that news to me. I don't want her to be the one to give me that news.

This is an excellent solution.

Thank you.

I will write my brother with that request.

The dread surrounding the issue is decreased immeasurably.

Now, why did I never once think of something like this.

:O)

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

I'm not excited about my brother calling my husband either, but at least my brother is not a fan of constant drama.

My husband will not recognize his voice though. He's never spoken to him over the phone before. He's maybe seen him twice in our entire marriage.

But, yeah, it's a better option.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

My husband thinks she is not an asset in my life. She has tried calling him to complain about me.

She has? What a strange and awful thing for her to have done.

How shaming for you. That is as pointlessly destructive as my mother taking the husbands aside to point out that her children are crazy and without scruples.

Our families of origin stop at nothing.

I still don't get the win in it for them.

Cedar, I was jealous of Christmas. I wanted to celebrate Christmas.

Oh, it was the most magical time! When I worked, I would love the feel of Christmas in the air. I would always think, when I took a new job, that these people I did not know yet would be the ones with whom the holidays would be celebrated in the ways they are with those we work with. Cookies and Merry Christmases and the beautiful lights. One time, I made paper plate skeletons (anatomically correct ones, too) and hung them in the commons area for Hallowe'en.

Our neighbor taught us about Hannuka. He receives eight presents, one every night of Hannuka. Plus, the lighting of the candles. I always believed those traditions to be so romantic and wished I knew some way to make Christmas last longer for us, too.

So, we both were curious about the traditions happening in the houses around us.

I would have felt lonely too, not to have been able to decorate with lights and bake decorated cookies. I am happy for you that you have been able to do all those wonderful things, now. I have too. Our neighbor explains all the meaning behind his faith and even prints things out for me to read about the meanings of the Jewish high holidays. At Passover, he brought me printed material about a certain kind of round platter used for eggs.

We all are curious about one another. I wish we could celebrate that, instead of condemning one another.

I wish that with all my heart.

But just look. Even families can be sick, dysfunctional things.

We will just do our best we know, then.

Through the years, Christmas has been less religious and more familial, but I still try to make every Christmas fun for my kids and I will really enjoy spending this one with BuddhaBaby

This is so great. Since D H and I have been away from family at the holidays, and with all the terrible things that have gone on for our family over the past few years, Christmas just isn't the same thing, at all. I am happy for your family.

Ha! Buddha Baby. She will love all the lights and cookies and family.

:O)

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

What do I gain by letting this person contact me on my own phone? What would you have gained by reading it?

Well, maybe that is where I will get to, too. Here is a secret: Right now? I am still hoping for a miraculous revelation and...dinner.

Christmas dinner, this time.

It was disturbing to me to post about Christmas. It seems that my mother did love me, after all. And that made me feel really badly about the way I post about her here.

And badly for me, because what I post about here ~ those terrible things are also true.

All I could conclude is that if there is an answer, I don't know what it is. I do know those memories weaken me now, in my adulthood.

And I know I want to be whole, and with access to all of myself.

So then I felt better, but I was very sad for a time, after remembering Christmas morning and how pretty everything was, and how the perfect toys would be there for each of us. They say there are two kinds of little girls, did you know that, Serenity and Copa and everyone reading along? One kind of little girl loves baby dolls and one, loves horses.

I was the kind of little girl who loved horses.

And there was always a horse of some kind under the tree for me, and a cowboy.

And baby dolls for my sister, I suppose. I don't remember very much about her or what she did. I suppose that is part of why she feels as she does about me today, too.

The memories of all of us at my grandmother's are where I remember my sibs with fondness and fullness, as if they are real people.

That makes sense too, given what we have learned about our childhoods. So we were fortunate, to have had those times together.

She certainly did turn out to be a mean little poop when she grew up, my sister. Maybe that is what fuels what she is doing, now. Me too, of course. Those dinners I am always wishing for must be a compilation ~ a distillation of haunted desires for things that never were.

Remember that quote? The one about nostalgia?

Cedar

So I was thinking about what TJ Jakes said yesterday. Just because someone says you are an airplane doesn't make you an airplane.

It is what it really is, all this stuff with my family of origin. And nothing at all like what I might wish it could be ~ not for any of us.

It's hard to face that; really hard to believe we could not have changed all this. It's those darned Christmas memories. That is what I keep trying to duplicate. That anticipatory feeling, and all those beautiful faces around the table, with the Christmas lights in the background.

Here is a Christmas story. Daughter was having problems. I think Baklava grand may have already been born, but I am not sure. In any event, a Public Health nurse had come to the house to talk with all of us, or just with daughter, or whatever it was. And it was Christmastime, right? So, the tree was up. We had a cat then who loved to climb the tree and sit in there, peering out at everyone through the lights and decorations and so on. So, I'm sitting there talking with this nurse about what could be the matter or whatever it was...and I realize the little porcelain dolls are like, hanging upside down, and the lights are a mess with wires sticking out all over and there are needles all over the floor and the tree looks like the Christmas tree from H***.

Because of the cat. And with everything as chaotic as it must have been for whatever reason that a Public Health nurse would come to see us, I hadn't really looked at the tree until I was sitting there on the sofa next to the nurse and realized it looked like we'd hung the angels in effigy or something.





But I always wondered what she must have thought, that Public Health nurse, to see a Christmas tree with the ornaments hanging upside down and everything looking so ugly.

Sometimes? All you can do is laugh.

Life just isn't perfect.

No matter how hard we try, the cat will get in there and mess up the tree, the daughter will have problems and then, the son, too. And somehow, we just pull everything together and there isn't another darn thing we can do about any of it.

No wonder I needed to have that cup of fresh coffee in my grandmother's china cup all by myself by the time Christmas was finally over!

For heaven's sake.

 

[BusynMember]

She has? What a strange and awful thing for her to have done.

It was silly. He didn't pick up the phone and deleted her voicemails.He didn't want to talk to her. It's strange that she thought he'd care what she had to say. He'd lived with her cop calls and cut offs. He had her number.

 

[BusynMember]

I say this but I think I don't mean it, but I do. Still in a place of confusion with all of it. With the regret of it. Still feel a little lost and lonely and rejected about it. It is what it is. It will take the time that it takes. There is nothing I need to do.

Well, as bad as your mother and sister were, they didn't actively try to shut you up by calling the cops on you repeatedly. This is so out there and so normal for her that I can't make contact a possibility again. She will go to any length to control what I do or say so I feel silenced anyway. I believe she would even call my job or bother my D H again. She is in a bad place in her life and I'm sure she is still with her abusive boyfriend. That makes her crankier than usual, but she won't take it out on him so her bad mood gets taken out on me.

This is an easy call. The risk to me is too great. Did I ever mention I moved to Wisconsin partly to get away from her? I like us in different states.

If your sisters were more than just vile, but called the cops on you and contacted your husband and if you were afraid they'd even go further, you may feel you have no choice either.

She has tried to get my father angry at me then lamented "But he'll never get it."

Get what? That's I'm not crazy?

I'm not.

Anyway, your sisters are actually not a danger to you.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

If your sisters were more than just vile, but called the cops on you and contacted your husband and if you were afraid they'd even go further, you may feel you have no choice either.

True.

You have been more loving and patient than I would have been.

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

No. More stupid.

But you know how we think.

"Thats just sis...yuk yuk. She calls the cops on me. Isnt that cute?"

"Thats just mom. She tells us stuff loving moms would never say, let alone feel toward their kid."

"Thats just them being them. we made them do it."

 

[Copabanana]

Well, as bad as your mother and sister were, they didn't actively try to shut you up by calling the cops on you repeatedly.

You are right, Serenity. Only my son does that.