Is throwing an adult child out the right decision?

[hurting mother]

My son has had an addiction problem on and off since about 15. He's now 40. We let him move in with us after his wife left, but all he did was get drunk. My husband picked him up from the woods several times - my husband bought him an old car he was using to go to the liquor store. My husband was a nonexistent father - zoning out on ballgames, not doing much to raise his children, just like his own passive father. I begged my husband to take the car off our son but he refused. My foolish husband even took him to buy weed! I feel my husband is at fault and harbor so much anger at him for failing as a father.

Our son was arrested for drunk driving. Our son was living in his RV in our driveway while we went out of state. We returned and our house was destroyed! I just bought an expensive new bed and our son and some sleazy girl slept on the bare mattress, staining it with God knows what. Our son got drunk and urinated all over the bathroom, and the drug addict girlfriend threw everything around and they broke both our front door and screen.

I was livid and told him to get out. My husband was supposed to lend him money to do a house flip and wanted to give him the money to get him off our property. I told him we should NOT reward him! My husband said "I guess I'm being selfish - I just want him out of here."

My son drove to my nephews house. My sister ended our friendship because she said my husband refused to discipline our son who got her son in trouble. Some of it may be true but we're not fully responsible. Now I'm worried our son is now living at my nephews house and the two of them are BAD together. I want to tell my sister to put my son out so he'll go to rehab. Of course my husband doesn't want to do anything - what he's done since we've had kids.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm too old for this.

 

[Nomad]

I would consider some or all of the following things:
*Go to a Families Anonymous or an Alanon mtg. Or any of these type of meetings with other parents of drug addicted adult children. Get some advice from others who have been in your situation.
*Consider a few sessions of marriage or family counseling with your spouse. If you do step one, you might not need more than that.
*If and only if your son is open to it and cooperative, see if he would go to a psychiatrist in case he has a mental health diagnosis that would make him elegible for disability. If he is not on disability, this might be something for him in the future. Consider paying fir a few sessions to see if he has a diagnosis and make it official.
*No, I would not allow him in your home anymore. Change your locks. Keep info about shelters , halfway houses , rehabs etc to potentially give him. But he has to do the work (esp with reference to rehab) and MOST importantly has to make the personal decision for change.
*I would consider paying for him to have a cell phone and helping him complete any paperwork for food stamps if he needs help with that. Perhaps little more than this. GREATLY (can’t stress this enough) limit your involvement with him. He is 40. Enough. Learn about “detachment.”
*If he is ever physically abusive to you or tries to break into your home, I would call the police.
*If he is verbally abusive to you, I would block him on your phone for however long you deem appropriate. For example two days , etc.
*Take excellent care of yourself as this stuff is very taxing on the mind and body. Eat healthy, take a multi vitamin, see the doctor for yourself. Seek spiritual guidance if that might help.

 

[hurting mother]

I would consider some or all of the following things:
*Go to a Families Anonymous or an Alanon mtg. Or any of these type of meetings with other parents of drug addicted adult children. Get some advice from others who have been in your situation.
*Consider a few sessions of marriage or family counseling with your spouse. If you do step one, you might not need more than that.
*If and only if your son is open to it and cooperative, see if he would go to a psychiatrist in case he has a mental health diagnosis that would make him elegible for disability. If he is not on disability, this might be something for him in the future. Consider paying fir a few sessions to see if he has a diagnosis and make it official.
*No, I would not allow him in your home anymore. Change your locks. Keep info about shelters , halfway houses , rehabs etc to potentially give him. But he has to do the work (esp with reference to rehab) and MOST importantly has to make the personal decision for change.
*I would consider paying for him to have a cell phone and helping him complete any paperwork for food stamps if he needs help with that. Perhaps little more than this. GREATLY (can’t stress this enough) limit your involvement with him. He is 40. Enough. Learn about “detachment.”
*If he is ever physically abusive to you or tries to break into your home, I would call the police.
*If he is verbally abusive to you, I would block him on your phone for however long you deem appropriate. For example two days , etc.
*Take excellent care of yourself as this stuff is very taxing on the mind and body. Eat healthy, take a multi vitamin, see the doctor for yourself. Seek spiritual guidance if that might help.

Thanks. His wife and our daughter took him to the hospital while we were gone and he was admitted for alcohol withdrawal. As soon as he got out he returned right to alcohol and our trash can was filled with empty bottles. I am at the limits of my endurance with him - it's been too long. Getting counseling or going to a group seems wise. I didn't know about Families Anonymous but will look for one.

Do you think I should tell my sister to make him leave? My nephew has a son and our son and the nephew always used together. They're a bad mix and will probably only drink together or smoke weed. Neither has a license (our son is losing his in 2 weeks.)

I tried getting him to go on disability because he crashed his dirt bike and broke his clavicle and ankle/foot but he refuses to go for it. I'm not giving him a dime. My husband always takes the passive route which has harmed our son. He wanted to give him the money to do the flip but I said No. I feel like my husband is the biggest perpetrator of our son's addiction.

 

[Crayola13]

I’m sorry about your family situation. It might help for you and your husband to go to marriage counseling. He admitted what he did wrong, but if you still harbor a lot of anger towards him, counseling could help strengthen the marriage.

I suspect your sister will throw your son out at some point.

 

[Nomad]

Other than possibly a cell phone , I too would not give him a dime. And that’s a big maybe on the phone.

I’m not sure re your sister. She is an adult. You can mention to her how you feel. But don’t hold any animosity toward her if she chooses differently. I too have a feeling that at some point she will very likely throw him out. Avoid arguing with her. Hopefully in due time your relationship might heal.

Families Anonymous (FA) has on line groups if there is not one physically near you.

Best of luck.