Desperately need advice

hurting mother

New Member
My son has had an addiction problem since 15 and he's now 40. He has worn us out. His wife left him because of his drinking so he drank more and got a DUI and is losing his license in a week. She got really heavy; My husband said it must embarrass our son that she blew up to really big. Our son told her he'd quit drinking if she lost weight, and she told him that "he should accept her as she is." She insists to me that the problem is all our son and a psychiatrist has to fix him so he accepts her (warped thinking). So she's in denial about her own issues. She and her mother have an unnatural enmeshment that I warned my son about years ago. When they stayed with us she would run into the other room and give her mother a blow-by-blow account of everything that happened. My son hit the door and said "I told you I don't like it when you do that!" My son is good-looking and I saw the mother fawn over him like she liked him. Her husband stole our son's credit card and paid for a dating site and he cheated on the mother so they have their own issues that his wife refuses to acknowledge. But now his wife is filing for divorce. So these problems are overwhelming me.

We let our son stay with us, parking his RV in our yard and all he did was get drunk like he was 15 again. We left for a short time and he let some sleazy girl in our house and they ripped our house apart, broke both front doors and damaged our new week old bed. I keep a clean home and it was disgusting. I just bought a new bed and they ate on it, smoked weed on it and it was ruined. It was the last straw and we told him to get out. He actually disgusts me; he's become a pig. My husband told him to come in and help clean up and he said F**k you.

The next day our daughter came over and urged us to throw him out. She had come into our house while we were gone and cleaned it after he urinated on the bathroom floor because he was so drunk, and left beer and messes everywhere. He and the girl he had in here wrecked it again.

While we were gone our daughter called police because our son was talking crazy; I think it was a ploy to get his wife back but police talked him into going to the hospital. They put him in a facility for about 2-3 weeks. He apparently began drinking as soon as he got out.

My husband was supposed to lend him money to do a house flip, but I told him to not do it and he told our son no. Our son tried using every tactic on me to manipulate us into lending him the money. Our daughters both said to not lend him anymore. Our daughter said he was living here and didn't have to pay bills so he had extra money to go buy weed and alcohol. That made sense.

My husband got up this morning and is tormented, saying that if we don't give our son something to do he's going to sink and get himself in trouble at his cousin's house where he moved his RV to. (His cousin is an addict too) My husband thinks our son is boxed in on every side and will drive without a license and spiral down. But I called and left a message telling our son I'd pay for him to enter rehab and he ignored it.

My husband said he's been praying for wisdom and he thinks he should lend him the money. I think it might just prolong our son's recovery because we've always stepped in to rescue him from the consequences of his decisions. I blame my husband because he was so permissive and I had to do all the disciplining. It was like a one-parent home.

I wondered if my husband is right; that maybe he'll have to be successful or fall. But then I think it's a bad gamble with our money because our son is so erratic. He doesn't think clearly - his mind is warped now, and I don't trust him. I also think we shouldn't lend him money because it will just give him money to buy alcohol and weed with. I also think it will prolong his recovery. My husband said he's losing his license and what's he going to do, get a low-paying job at a store within walking distance to his RV parked at his cousin's? I think maybe that might be the wake up call that's going to make him give up alcohol. My husband said he wants to lend him the money so he gets all his things out of our house, we'll sell the house and move and he's on his own.

I don't know what's right.

Can I get anyone's advice on this?
 

hurting mother

New Member
My son has had an addiction problem since 15 and he's now 40. He has worn us out. His wife left him because of his drinking so he drank more and got a DUI and is losing his license in a week. She got really heavy; My husband said it must embarrass our son that she blew up to really big. Our son told her he'd quit drinking if she lost weight, and she told him that "he should accept her as she is." She insists to me that the problem is all our son and a psychiatrist has to fix him so he accepts her (warped thinking). So she's in denial about her own issues. She and her mother have an unnatural enmeshment that I warned my son about years ago. When they stayed with us she would run into the other room and give her mother a blow-by-blow account of everything that happened. My son hit the door and said "I told you I don't like it when you do that!" My son is good-looking and I saw the mother fawn over him like she liked him. Her husband stole our son's credit card and paid for a dating site and he cheated on the mother so they have their own issues that his wife refuses to acknowledge. But now his wife is filing for divorce. So these problems are overwhelming me.

We let our son stay with us, parking his RV in our yard and all he did was get drunk like he was 15 again. We left for a short time and he let some sleazy girl in our house and they ripped our house apart, broke both front doors and damaged our new week old bed. I keep a clean home and it was disgusting. I just bought a new bed and they ate on it, smoked weed on it and it was ruined. It was the last straw and we told him to get out. He actually disgusts me; he's become a pig. My husband told him to come in and help clean up and he said F**k you.

The next day our daughter came over and urged us to throw him out. She had come into our house while we were gone and cleaned it after he urinated on the bathroom floor because he was so drunk, and left beer and messes everywhere. He and the girl he had in here wrecked it again.

While we were gone our daughter called police because our son was talking crazy; I think it was a ploy to get his wife back but police talked him into going to the hospital. They put him in a facility for about 2-3 weeks. He apparently began drinking as soon as he got out.

My husband was supposed to lend him money to do a house flip, but I told him to not do it and he told our son no. Our son tried using every tactic on me to manipulate us into lending him the money. Our daughters both said to not lend him anymore. Our daughter said he was living here and didn't have to pay bills so he had extra money to go buy weed and alcohol. That made sense.

My husband got up this morning and is tormented, saying that if we don't give our son something to do he's going to sink and get himself in trouble at his cousin's house where he moved his RV to. (His cousin is an addict too) My husband thinks our son is boxed in on every side and will drive without a license and spiral down. But I called and left a message telling our son I'd pay for him to enter rehab and he ignored it.

My husband said he's been praying for wisdom and he thinks he should lend him the money. I think it might just prolong our son's recovery because we've always stepped in to rescue him from the consequences of his decisions. I blame my husband because he was so permissive and I had to do all the disciplining. It was like a one-parent home.

I wondered if my husband is right; that maybe he'll have to be successful or fall. But then I think it's a bad gamble with our money because our son is so erratic. He doesn't think clearly - his mind is warped now, and I don't trust him. I also think we shouldn't lend him money because it will just give him money to buy alcohol and weed with. I also think it will prolong his recovery. My husband said he's losing his license and what's he going to do, get a low-paying job at a store within walking distance to his RV parked at his cousin's? I think maybe that might be the wake up call that's going to make him give up alcohol. My husband said he wants to lend him the money so he gets all his things out of our house, we'll sell the house and move and he's on his own.

I don't know what's right.

Can I get anyone's advice on this?

I want to add that I have a raw fear of my son ending up doing something stupid and police killing him (they killed our neighbor's unarmed son) because cops are killing several people a week. Or I'm afraid he'll take something and wind up dead. His best friend died of an overdose and I'll never get his mother's wails at his funeral out of my head.

All of our son's friends died of an overdose.

I have a nagging fear that our son will do something stupid. I feel ripped apart, not knowing if we should take a hardline approach or lend him the money to be successful in business. He refused my offer of rehab. Can anyone give me their thoughts on this? My husband is afraid he's in so deep he'll never get out - that's his reasoning for lending him the money. I don't know. I don't think we should reward our son for being a jerk.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Didn’t you post elsewhere on this site?

Consider going to a support group like Families Anonymous. Any of these groups that offer guidance to parents of adult children with addiction. They have on line groups too.

Read about “detachment.”

Greatly limit your interaction with your son.

Consider therapy for yourself and/ or for both you and your husband together.

Change the locks on your doors if your son has a key.

Never let him abuse you or commit crimes against you.

But first and foremost, is seek help from one of these “Anonymous” type groups. It’s super important.

I would not tend to lend someone money who is not actively and sincerely working on their addiction. But this is a very difficult, private snd personal decision. Will your son go willingly and consistently to AA?
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
His behavior is childish. He doesn’t have the skills or maturity to handle a business loan properly. He would continue asking for more money and try to convince you both that if he just had a little more, he could get the business to the point it should be, etc. It is kind of like when a real estate developer in our town asks the City for $11 million. The construction or building remodeling get underway. Then, the developer asks the City for $4 million more about a year later. He gets the additional funds, only to tell the City months later that he needs another $2 million.

I think your son’s wife might be taking comfort in food because she is grieved by his drinking and behavior. If he’s telling her he will stop drinking if she gets smaller, that is about the most immature, egotistical comment I’ve heard in a long time. I tend to think if she leaves him that she will start losing weight.
 

hurting mother

New Member
Didn’t you post elsewhere on this site?

Consider going to a support group like Families Anonymous. Any of these groups that offer guidance to parents of adult children with addiction. They have on line groups too.

Read about “detachment.”

Greatly limit your interaction with your son.

Consider therapy for yourself and/ or for both you and your husband together.

Change the locks on your doors if your son has a key.

Never let him abuse you or commit crimes against you.

But first and foremost, is seek help from one of these “Anonymous” type groups. It’s super important.

I would not tend to lend someone money who is not actively and sincerely working on their addiction. But this is a very difficult, private snd personal decision. Will your son go willingly and consistently to AA?
Yes I posted another place but my husband wants to lend him the money. I don't know what's right. I'm confused.
 

hurting mother

New Member
His behavior is childish. He doesn’t have the skills or maturity to handle a business loan properly. He would continue asking for more money and try to convince you both that if he just had a little more, he could get the business to the point it should be, etc. It is kind of like when a real estate developer in our town asks the City for $11 million. The construction or building remodeling get underway. Then, the developer asks the City for $4 million more about a year later. He gets the additional funds, only to tell the City months later that he needs another $2 million.

I think your son’s wife might be taking comfort in food because she is grieved by his drinking and behavior. If he’s telling her he will stop drinking if she gets smaller, that is about the most immature, egotistical comment I’ve heard in a long time. I tend to think if she leaves him that she will start losing weight.
Yes I'm afraid that he doesn't have the skills right now. My husband thinks it will be something that will give him hope since he's lost so much. My son's wife blew up right after they started going out so her problems started before my son met her. I don't know what's right.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
I'm sorry for all your going through. Everybody has to do what they think is right for them but I thought I'd share just a little wisdom, strength and hope. I was married to an alcoholic for 30 years who died less than a year ago from his drinking. Now going through it all over again with my 30 year old son is following right in his footsteps.

What I've learned from Alanon is that you didn't CAUSE this, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it. Even if you keep your son "busy" that will not prevent catastrophy or the many unpleasant things that go along with addiction. You will only delay what will happen. I've done that and still work on trying not to do that again, with my son. It's our natural instinct to not want to see our loved ones hurt because we feel like if they were sober, we know they'd make better decisions. We don't want them to mess things up so bad that "when"/if they recover from addiction that they won't have such a dark hole to climb out of. DWI's, divorced, homelessness etc. The truth is we are powerless of alcohol, just as powerless as your son is. This is his journey and no matter how hard you try, you can't fix this for him. It might be all the spirals downward that finally cause him to decide he wants to work for something better.

Try to turn your son over to God and yourself too. He has a High Power that really does have more control than you do. If you are able, try to find an Alanon meeting, in person or on line. We learn that we are very "sick" from the disease of alcoholism but we also learn that we may have our own issues we bring to the table too. But taking the focus off your son, and taking care of yourself would be a good place to start.

Sending prayers....
 

mom58

New Member
My son has had an addiction problem since 15 and he's now 40. He has worn us out. His wife left him because of his drinking so he drank more and got a DUI and is losing his license in a week. She got really heavy; My husband said it must embarrass our son that she blew up to really big. Our son told her he'd quit drinking if she lost weight, and she told him that "he should accept her as she is." She insists to me that the problem is all our son and a psychiatrist has to fix him so he accepts her (warped thinking). So she's in denial about her own issues. She and her mother have an unnatural enmeshment that I warned my son about years ago. When they stayed with us she would run into the other room and give her mother a blow-by-blow account of everything that happened. My son hit the door and said "I told you I don't like it when you do that!" My son is good-looking and I saw the mother fawn over him like she liked him. Her husband stole our son's credit card and paid for a dating site and he cheated on the mother so they have their own issues that his wife refuses to acknowledge. But now his wife is filing for divorce. So these problems are overwhelming me.

We let our son stay with us, parking his RV in our yard and all he did was get drunk like he was 15 again. We left for a short time and he let some sleazy girl in our house and they ripped our house apart, broke both front doors and damaged our new week old bed. I keep a clean home and it was disgusting. I just bought a new bed and they ate on it, smoked weed on it and it was ruined. It was the last straw and we told him to get out. He actually disgusts me; he's become a pig. My husband told him to come in and help clean up and he said F**k you.

The next day our daughter came over and urged us to throw him out. She had come into our house while we were gone and cleaned it after he urinated on the bathroom floor because he was so drunk, and left beer and messes everywhere. He and the girl he had in here wrecked it again.

While we were gone our daughter called police because our son was talking crazy; I think it was a ploy to get his wife back but police talked him into going to the hospital. They put him in a facility for about 2-3 weeks. He apparently began drinking as soon as he got out.

My husband was supposed to lend him money to do a house flip, but I told him to not do it and he told our son no. Our son tried using every tactic on me to manipulate us into lending him the money. Our daughters both said to not lend him anymore. Our daughter said he was living here and didn't have to pay bills so he had extra money to go buy weed and alcohol. That made sense.

My husband got up this morning and is tormented, saying that if we don't give our son something to do he's going to sink and get himself in trouble at his cousin's house where he moved his RV to. (His cousin is an addict too) My husband thinks our son is boxed in on every side and will drive without a license and spiral down. But I called and left a message telling our son I'd pay for him to enter rehab and he ignored it.

My husband said he's been praying for wisdom and he thinks he should lend him the money. I think it might just prolong our son's recovery because we've always stepped in to rescue him from the consequences of his decisions. I blame my husband because he was so permissive and I had to do all the disciplining. It was like a one-parent home.

I wondered if my husband is right; that maybe he'll have to be successful or fall. But then I think it's a bad gamble with our money because our son is so erratic. He doesn't think clearly - his mind is warped now, and I don't trust him. I also think we shouldn't lend him money because it will just give him money to buy alcohol and weed with. I also think it will prolong his recovery. My husband said he's losing his license and what's he going to do, get a low-paying job at a store within walking distance to his RV parked at his cousin's? I think maybe that might be the wake up call that's going to make him give up alcohol. My husband said he wants to lend him the money so he gets all his things out of our house, we'll sell the house and move and he's on his own.

I don't know what's right.

Can I get anyone's advice on this?
Hi Hurting mom, omg does your story sound familiar to me? I hope you and your husband can get on the same page about your son. Giving him your money to flip houses is a bad choice. Yes, son needs to get busy or drown. But let him do it with his own money. Do not give him a dime. There is a really good resource on youtube called "Put The Shovel Down." by Amber, there are even videos about spouses not being on the same page on how to deal with adult children. I hope you will watch some of her stuff. It has helped me. Not to say I have fixed myself over enabling my son but the videos do help me get my thinking straight. Addicts lie, steal, take advantage, manipulate, and never take responsibility for their actions. We are all sick, WE are co-dependent. None of the problems your son has is yours to fix. He is a grown man. If his wife is eating herself to death. Not your problem. Son is drinking himself to death. Not your problem. Stay on your side of the street is what Amber says, We like to control our adult children when we see them go off the wrong way. They will take our money and get mad if we don't give them money. The money is not gonna fix anything. Only your son can fix his life.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
Sometimes you just have to give a kid over to God and try to go on with your own life. I’ve never had that type of problem with my son, so it would be gut-wrenching if I had to just hand him over to God. It would be very difficult for me to simply trust in God to watch over him, but after a number of years of trying, that is all a parent can do. It goes along with trying to detach. In a few decades you and your husband will pass. If he doesn’t learn to handle his life before then, he will be lost when you both are gone.
 

hurting mother

New Member
Hi Hurting mom, omg does your story sound familiar to me? I hope you and your husband can get on the same page about your son. Giving him your money to flip houses is a bad choice. Yes, son needs to get busy or drown. But let him do it with his own money. Do not give him a dime. There is a really good resource on youtube called "Put The Shovel Down." by Amber, there are even videos about spouses not being on the same page on how to deal with adult children. I hope you will watch some of her stuff. It has helped me. Not to say I have fixed myself over enabling my son but the videos do help me get my thinking straight. Addicts lie, steal, take advantage, manipulate, and never take responsibility for their actions. We are all sick, WE are co-dependent. None of the problems your son has is yours to fix. He is a grown man. If his wife is eating herself to death. Not your problem. Son is drinking himself to death. Not your problem. Stay on your side of the street is what Amber says, We like to control our adult children when we see them go off the wrong way. They will take our money and get mad if we don't give them money. The money is not gonna fix anything. Only your son can fix his life.
Yes - my husband wanted to give him the money but I said no. He was violating our rules and drinking at our house. We went away and came back to a trashed house. That was it - we told him to get out. He tried every manipulative tactic and we refused to budge. He had some trashy girl in our house and they slept on my brand new bed in my room - it was disgusting. They had ripped the waterproof cover off (our son said the girl was eating jelly on it and ruined it). I can't sleep on it now. Our daughter said he has to get out and spend his own money on rent instead of having all that extra money to blow on booze.

We haven't heard from him.
 
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