hurting mother
New Member
My son has had an addiction problem since 15 and he's now 40. He has worn us out. His wife left him because of his drinking so he drank more and got a DUI and is losing his license in a week. She got really heavy; My husband said it must embarrass our son that she blew up to really big. Our son told her he'd quit drinking if she lost weight, and she told him that "he should accept her as she is." She insists to me that the problem is all our son and a psychiatrist has to fix him so he accepts her (warped thinking). So she's in denial about her own issues. She and her mother have an unnatural enmeshment that I warned my son about years ago. When they stayed with us she would run into the other room and give her mother a blow-by-blow account of everything that happened. My son hit the door and said "I told you I don't like it when you do that!" My son is good-looking and I saw the mother fawn over him like she liked him. Her husband stole our son's credit card and paid for a dating site and he cheated on the mother so they have their own issues that his wife refuses to acknowledge. But now his wife is filing for divorce. So these problems are overwhelming me.
We let our son stay with us, parking his RV in our yard and all he did was get drunk like he was 15 again. We left for a short time and he let some sleazy girl in our house and they ripped our house apart, broke both front doors and damaged our new week old bed. I keep a clean home and it was disgusting. I just bought a new bed and they ate on it, smoked weed on it and it was ruined. It was the last straw and we told him to get out. He actually disgusts me; he's become a pig. My husband told him to come in and help clean up and he said F**k you.
The next day our daughter came over and urged us to throw him out. She had come into our house while we were gone and cleaned it after he urinated on the bathroom floor because he was so drunk, and left beer and messes everywhere. He and the girl he had in here wrecked it again.
While we were gone our daughter called police because our son was talking crazy; I think it was a ploy to get his wife back but police talked him into going to the hospital. They put him in a facility for about 2-3 weeks. He apparently began drinking as soon as he got out.
My husband was supposed to lend him money to do a house flip, but I told him to not do it and he told our son no. Our son tried using every tactic on me to manipulate us into lending him the money. Our daughters both said to not lend him anymore. Our daughter said he was living here and didn't have to pay bills so he had extra money to go buy weed and alcohol. That made sense.
My husband got up this morning and is tormented, saying that if we don't give our son something to do he's going to sink and get himself in trouble at his cousin's house where he moved his RV to. (His cousin is an addict too) My husband thinks our son is boxed in on every side and will drive without a license and spiral down. But I called and left a message telling our son I'd pay for him to enter rehab and he ignored it.
My husband said he's been praying for wisdom and he thinks he should lend him the money. I think it might just prolong our son's recovery because we've always stepped in to rescue him from the consequences of his decisions. I blame my husband because he was so permissive and I had to do all the disciplining. It was like a one-parent home.
I wondered if my husband is right; that maybe he'll have to be successful or fall. But then I think it's a bad gamble with our money because our son is so erratic. He doesn't think clearly - his mind is warped now, and I don't trust him. I also think we shouldn't lend him money because it will just give him money to buy alcohol and weed with. I also think it will prolong his recovery. My husband said he's losing his license and what's he going to do, get a low-paying job at a store within walking distance to his RV parked at his cousin's? I think maybe that might be the wake up call that's going to make him give up alcohol. My husband said he wants to lend him the money so he gets all his things out of our house, we'll sell the house and move and he's on his own.
I don't know what's right.
Can I get anyone's advice on this?
We let our son stay with us, parking his RV in our yard and all he did was get drunk like he was 15 again. We left for a short time and he let some sleazy girl in our house and they ripped our house apart, broke both front doors and damaged our new week old bed. I keep a clean home and it was disgusting. I just bought a new bed and they ate on it, smoked weed on it and it was ruined. It was the last straw and we told him to get out. He actually disgusts me; he's become a pig. My husband told him to come in and help clean up and he said F**k you.
The next day our daughter came over and urged us to throw him out. She had come into our house while we were gone and cleaned it after he urinated on the bathroom floor because he was so drunk, and left beer and messes everywhere. He and the girl he had in here wrecked it again.
While we were gone our daughter called police because our son was talking crazy; I think it was a ploy to get his wife back but police talked him into going to the hospital. They put him in a facility for about 2-3 weeks. He apparently began drinking as soon as he got out.
My husband was supposed to lend him money to do a house flip, but I told him to not do it and he told our son no. Our son tried using every tactic on me to manipulate us into lending him the money. Our daughters both said to not lend him anymore. Our daughter said he was living here and didn't have to pay bills so he had extra money to go buy weed and alcohol. That made sense.
My husband got up this morning and is tormented, saying that if we don't give our son something to do he's going to sink and get himself in trouble at his cousin's house where he moved his RV to. (His cousin is an addict too) My husband thinks our son is boxed in on every side and will drive without a license and spiral down. But I called and left a message telling our son I'd pay for him to enter rehab and he ignored it.
My husband said he's been praying for wisdom and he thinks he should lend him the money. I think it might just prolong our son's recovery because we've always stepped in to rescue him from the consequences of his decisions. I blame my husband because he was so permissive and I had to do all the disciplining. It was like a one-parent home.
I wondered if my husband is right; that maybe he'll have to be successful or fall. But then I think it's a bad gamble with our money because our son is so erratic. He doesn't think clearly - his mind is warped now, and I don't trust him. I also think we shouldn't lend him money because it will just give him money to buy alcohol and weed with. I also think it will prolong his recovery. My husband said he's losing his license and what's he going to do, get a low-paying job at a store within walking distance to his RV parked at his cousin's? I think maybe that might be the wake up call that's going to make him give up alcohol. My husband said he wants to lend him the money so he gets all his things out of our house, we'll sell the house and move and he's on his own.
I don't know what's right.
Can I get anyone's advice on this?