Narcissistic Parents/Investment in success, performance of kids

[Copabanana]

My mother has been in the house we then built in Florida, but my sister would never come there.

But they never did come.

The house you and D H built must be exquisite. I bet it is unique and expresses, celebrates and encloses beautifully you and D H and your life together.

She must have heard about it from your mother. But even if she had not. She would never want you to have icing on the cake. And to build a house...at a retirement destination...represents a pinnacle of life. She wants to knock you off that cake, Cedar.

Her love for you is like a thorn in her side. Reminding her of who she really is. She is trying to run from it, not face it. She is trying to make a reality show about her pretend life. She never wants to remember who she really is. It is so very sad.

Know what I did? I had already assured her a million times that the days she wanted to come would be great. So I couldn't just say: Don't come you poop, though I wish I had.

But it is not the result she is interested in. She does not want to depend upon your good graces. She does not want you to be "big." She wants to be "big." Had you followed through on your offer of hospitality...she would be in the passive position, accepting your hospitality. For some reason, she cannot even defer to you in that sense.

Instead she conquers you. Instead she plans and plots a strategic battle, so that you are deceived...She topples you, Cedar. She besieges you. She tricks you. You are defeated.

I cannot see another way to view it, to want to trick your sister. To get satisfaction in subterfuge. Except now I do get it.

My son does that. He will lie his way into our house. He will come up with tall tales. He will try to (and succeed) in getting what he wants (train tickets) by manipulation...by tricks. Like saying he is going to the Big City to get his blood work done.

And now I understand your sister better. These are powers of the weak. Powers of the powerless who cannot ask the master for a privilege that the master has the power to withhold. Indeed, who may punish and gain advantage of the weaker one, by knowing what they want, what is their need and object of desire.

I will post later more on powers of the weak. Remind me if I forget. I am still having my heart attack pain.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

I don't know if the same people at work or "play" are acting out their own childhoods with FOO members, but they aren't doing it to me.

This is so interesting to me. I can think of a couple of possible reasons.

You are no longer are attracted to being in a role in a family drama.

You are no longer attractive to those who seek to do it. You do not play well, in family drama, now.

How wonderful for you. You have created a whole new life, Serenity.

You have no triggers anymore or if they do, they are not open.

It seems like when we regress, lately, any of us, the only time we cheat, is out of remembered guilt. And I think that will be less and less. I hope.

Happy Birthday Serenity.

I sang Happy Birthday with Romy and Dolly.
Actually Dolly was the one who was exhilarated by it. Romy was ho hum.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

I know we are trying to get beyond our relationships with FOO members, but yesterday in response to our posts, I got in touch with a particularly hurtful interaction with my sister.

It was the first time that I reached out to my FOO, after many years of not speaking or seeing them. Remember, I decided to reach out after I adopted my son. I wanted him to have family besides myself. I called my sister first.

I told her "I adopted a child."

There was a definite and deliberate and pregnant silence.

She responded: "I am pregnant with twins."

At that moment and forever after I believed that my sister deliberately took the opportunity to attack. But I have always attacked myself that I would feel that she would do such a hurtful thing. After all, it could have been an accident. Unintentional. And not a desire to hurt by one-upping, to compete.

But on the other hand, how could she have resisted, after all, responding in the way she did. She had after all a bigger and better piece of the pie. Two natural children on the way. Who were to be her golden girls.

And then I would feel shame because I feared that perhaps I did feel that with my son, I had less. Even though I do not and never felt I did. I felt that by reacting to her definition of things with anger or pain must have meant that I did have shame.

But then, I think, why could she not have responded, "how great. I am happy for you, that you are a mother. How happy I am. For you."

She could have waited one or two more sentences, even. That would have made a difference. And said something like, you beat me to it. I am expecting.
.
Which is what I would have said. In that way she would have acknowledged both of us. She did after all, have a choice. She made it

 

[BusynMember]

Copa, I feel for you. I can imagine it. Yuk. She was probably thrilled to say it. But the truth is your son is just as worthy as her biological twins. You know how much faith I have in DNA...lol. I don't consider my kids lesser than. I consider everyone else's kids lesser than MY kids. So there

I am trying hard to remember t he reaction my FOO had to my adopting kids, but I can't remember. I'm sure they thought, being who they are, "I'd never do that." And they wouldn't have! Considering that nobody was all that interested in Bart's birth, first bio. grandchild in family, they most certainly were not interested in my other kids.

My mother never ever saw Sonic and Jumper.

What a loss on her part. Both are two of the best kids on earth. I hear it all the time from other people, especially about Sonic. But also about Jumper. And she barely knew Princess, who is also an awesome, loving kid.

Even so, your sister had really given you a low blow. No person is more worthy than another one.

I had hoped my kids had family too, and with ex they did have it on his side of the family. They had the best grandma ever. His mother was so very kind and loving. Jumper and Sonic did not get that advantage. husband's parents are dead and he has a sister he gets along with, but they are not really close. Sometimes I think small famlies that get along are better than the drama of big families. However, (cough) some families have drama even with only five people