Now that I kicked my 18 year old daughter out, where do I go from here?

[Cindy Marie]

I never thought it would come down to kicking my daughter out the house. After all, this was a beautiful, kind, humble, girl. I never had issues with drugs, truancy, and all the bad things often associated with teens. In fact, she graduated with honors last year and began her first year of college. Somehow she became involved with this bad guy that she met her freshman year in high school. She told him she wanted to be friends back then as I had to contact his family when he would not leave her alone. She was only at that school for about 3 months. With me unexpectedly going on disability from back problems, their private school education was interrupted that year and had to home school the remaining of that school year but was then able to enroll them back into private school where both my daughters graduated. But he never really left her alone we have come to know. It was just last week, when it all unfolded with the truth. For the past six months, I knew her behavior had changed and the spark in her eyes was no longer. If I asked her what was wrong, she would just say the usual, "nothing." The arguments intensified, her attitude took a turn for the worst, she began going out every weekend and would often leave at the crack of dawn and return by midnight. In between this, she did introduce us to a guy that she went out with and now have come to know he was a cover up. About two months ago, she started asking me to spend the night with the guy. I told her absolutely no. Against my words, she stayed and would often return home Sunday evening. She said this guy told her that her curfew was too early. Considering she would leave at the crack of dawn and return by midnight, I would say that 11 to midnight was by far early for a curfew for a young woman. She just started a part time job and they scheduled her more hours than she requested but this was good I thought as it would keep her more grounded or so I thought. She said this guy said they would never see each other if she worked weekends, so she quit working weekends. She has been wanting a car but has only received 2 paychecks. I told her by her birthday(May) we would look into it after she had been working for a bit longer and felt that she could handle the job and work load along with her school. She then walked in two weeks ago and looked at me and said, " I do not do what you like often on the weekends and if you were to buy me a car, (with her name on it as well)you will take the car away from me. So she leaves on a Monday two weeks ago and shows back home on a Thursday with a new car. Keep in mind, she has no credit, just started a part time job and what my biggest fear was is that this guy pressured her into getting a car. My other daughter(her older sister) told me that she did in fact cosign with this guy. I happened to be on social media and decided to look as I knew she would have posted a picture of her "new" car. Working in the finance profession for almost 17 years, I knew no lender would finance her based on her credentials or so I thought I knew. This would have been a big red flag. She recently asked me if a 444 credit score was good and I said absolutely not!! I asked her who she knew had that score and she said "oh no one." She was just wondering. The fights, arguments, lies, rebellion was beyond anything I ever could imagine. Back to the moment I looked online, my biggest nightmare had come true. It was this "guy" that met her in high school her freshman year. I would always asked about the other guy she used as a cover up and she would become angry and yell at me, saying she did not want to talk about him. She never was physical with me, but one day I was going to walk out to see this guy that had tinted windows and she shoved me and ran out the back door. I would always asked her why suddenly did we not see this other guy she used as a cover up. It all unfolded when I saw the picture of her and him online. Her father and I packed her things and told her officially she had to go. He is a heart patient and I have had my own physical issues with my hip and back-surgeries back to back for 4 years and lost my most precious mother in 2015. We could not take the stress day after day, weekend after weekend any longer. I had often told her if she was not going to obey and wanted to spend the night out, then she needed to leave. She has grown up in a Christian environment and loving home. Of course, no home goes without issues but all in all, our girls have had a solid foundation and warm loving home all of their lives. She is a very beautiful bright girl, of course I am partial, but one with kindness and displayed her humble heart often to others. She was bullied for years and often had girls very jealous of her and as a result not many if any good friends. I know this intensified her insecurities and lowered her self esteem and confidence. I have come to find out since she has been kicked out the house, she has called my other daughter crying and saying negative things about this guy and how she did not know what to do to get out of it and how controlling he is. She apparently is staying with his mother and stepfather and their children about 45 minutes from our home. He now has a phone for her and the one we were paying for, well who knows what she did with that. Also, the day before we packed her belongings, my other daughter said he told my daughter to get all her things. It is as though we gave him exactly what he was pushing her to do...leave. When I reached out to her and she did not respond, I reached her through snap chat. She denied having a new phone initially and I assumed it was because it was probably in his name. I have heard 3 different stories since..his name but he pays, his mother's name but my daughter pays, and then my daughter's name and of course she pays. But she did ask me if I would pay it and when I inquired about the phone..whose name, the payment, plan etc. she avoided me. When my older daughter told me yesterday that he had taken the "new" car to work because he did not have money for his gas guzzler, I knew it was more than that. He did not want my daughter going anywhere while he worked yesterday as because the day before she drove my older daughter to work and he was mad she was not spending time with him. When she called on the phone the other night to my older daughter crying and saying she was going to turn her phone off and apparently some other worrisome words that my older daughter would not tell me, I was shaking out of my skin. This has devasted me and not I am not sure how I can get her back home and away from this horrible man. I know she has to be willing. Throughout the past six months or so, she would send me texts and random ones saying she needed to be around people who would lift her up and that she felt "forced" , she is weak and that she needed me to help her but when I would ask what she would then say the usual.."nothing" and send emojis with smiles or laughter. I know this man is crazy and is controlling her and manipulating her. I am fearing for her life. Where do I go from here?

 

[susiestar]

You are dealing with domestic violence here. NOT that I am saying that YOU abused your daughter, but she is in an abusive and controlling relationship with this man and she has NO idea how to get out of it. By tossing her out, she is now completely without resources to get away from him. She is in the middle of his family and surrounded by his horrible messages of how it is all her fault and she is worthless.

You NEED to contact the domestic violence agency in your area and get some intensive help. You are going to need them to help break his hold on your daughter. It would have been better if she was still in your home and you had more contact with her and influence over her. Now, you have to figure out how to even contact her safely because he is going to ramp up his control and possibly start to harm her. Even without the physical abuse, this is an unsafe relationship and if she gets out of this, she still is going to need a LOT of therapy to be able to choose a healthy relationship in the future. She is dealing with low self esteem and has already been bullied and made to feel worthless. Men like this know how to find girls with these issues and they just won't let go of them easily. It takes professional help and a lot of hard work to break their psychological hold.

I know that he got her to do things that were against your house rules, and that was probably because he knew you would kick her out and then he could have total control over her. Where else could she go but to him if you threw her out of the house? Your instincts are afraid for her life for a very good reason. But now you have a MUCH harder road and you may not be able to break his hold on her for a very long time, if ever.

PLEASE, I am absolutely BEGGING you, seek out the domestic violence agency in your area and work closely with them. Learn what you can do. Go through counseling with them to learn how to act and react to your daughter. Learn how to do what you can to help your daughter break this evil man's hold on your daughter. Pray that it is possible to break his hold before he destroys her.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Cindy Marie]

You are dealing with domestic violence here. NOT that I am saying that YOU abused your daughter, but she is in an abusive and controlling relationship with this man and she has NO idea how to get out of it. By tossing her out, she is now completely without resources to get away from him. She is in the middle of his family and surrounded by his horrible messages of how it is all her fault and she is worthless.

You NEED to contact the domestic violence agency in your area and get some intensive help. You are going to need them to help break his hold on your daughter. It would have been better if she was still in your home and you had more contact with her and influence over her. Now, you have to figure out how to even contact her safely because he is going to ramp up his control and possibly start to harm her. Even without the physical abuse, this is an unsafe relationship and if she gets out of this, she still is going to need a LOT of therapy to be able to choose a healthy relationship in the future. She is dealing with low self esteem and has already been bullied and made to feel worthless. Men like this know how to find girls with these issues and they just won't let go of them easily. It takes professional help and a lot of hard work to break their psychological hold.

I know that he got her to do things that were against your house rules, and that was probably because he knew you would kick her out and then he could have total control over her. Where else could she go but to him if you threw her out of the house? Your instincts are afraid for her life for a very good reason. But now you have a MUCH harder road and you may not be able to break his hold on her for a very long time, if ever.

PLEASE, I am absolutely BEGGING you, seek out the domestic violence agency in your area and work closely with them. Learn what you can do. Go through counseling with them to learn how to act and react to your daughter. Learn how to do what you can to help your daughter break this evil man's hold on your daughter. Pray that it is possible to break his hold before he destroys her.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

You are dealing with domestic violence here. NOT that I am saying that YOU abused your daughter, but she is in an abusive and controlling relationship with this man and she has NO idea how to get out of it. By tossing her out, she is now completely without resources to get away from him. She is in the middle of his family and surrounded by his horrible messages of how it is all her fault and she is worthless.

You NEED to contact the domestic violence agency in your area and get some intensive help. You are going to need them to help break his hold on your daughter. It would have been better if she was still in your home and you had more contact with her and influence over her. Now, you have to figure out how to even contact her safely because he is going to ramp up his control and possibly start to harm her. Even without the physical abuse, this is an unsafe relationship and if she gets out of this, she still is going to need a LOT of therapy to be able to choose a healthy relationship in the future. She is dealing with low self esteem and has already been bullied and made to feel worthless. Men like this know how to find girls with these issues and they just won't let go of them easily. It takes professional help and a lot of hard work to break their psychological hold.

I know that he got her to do things that were against your house rules, and that was probably because he knew you would kick her out and then he could have total control over her. Where else could she go but to him if you threw her out of the house? Your instincts are afraid for her life for a very good reason. But now you have a MUCH harder road and you may not be able to break his hold on her for a very long time, if ever.

PLEASE, I am absolutely BEGGING you, seek out the domestic violence agency in your area and work closely with them. Learn what you can do. Go through counseling with them to learn how to act and react to your daughter. Learn how to do what you can to help your daughter break this evil man's hold on your daughter. Pray that it is possible to break his hold before he destroys her.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

You are dealing with domestic violence here. NOT that I am saying that YOU abused your daughter, but she is in an abusive and controlling relationship with this man and she has NO idea how to get out of it. By tossing her out, she is now completely without resources to get away from him. She is in the middle of his family and surrounded by his horrible messages of how it is all her fault and she is worthless.

You NEED to contact the domestic violence agency in your area and get some intensive help. You are going to need them to help break his hold on your daughter. It would have been better if she was still in your home and you had more contact with her and influence over her. Now, you have to figure out how to even contact her safely because he is going to ramp up his control and possibly start to harm her. Even without the physical abuse, this is an unsafe relationship and if she gets out of this, she still is going to need a LOT of therapy to be able to choose a healthy relationship in the future. She is dealing with low self esteem and has already been bullied and made to feel worthless. Men like this know how to find girls with these issues and they just won't let go of them easily. It takes professional help and a lot of hard work to break their psychological hold.

I know that he got her to do things that were against your house rules, and that was probably because he knew you would kick her out and then he could have total control over her. Where else could she go but to him if you threw her out of the house? Your instincts are afraid for her life for a very good reason. But now you have a MUCH harder road and you may not be able to break his hold on her for a very long time, if ever.

PLEASE, I am absolutely BEGGING you, seek out the domestic violence agency in your area and work closely with them. Learn what you can do. Go through counseling with them to learn how to act and react to your daughter. Learn how to do what you can to help your daughter break this evil man's hold on your daughter. Pray that it is possible to break his hold before he destroys her.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you so much for all of this information and the kind words and prayers. I tried to summarize the best I could with all that has transpired. She had the car the week she left and we knew that this was his ploy to get her away at the first moment we would have told her she could not go out. He knew she had the keys to "his" car too and she would have walked out. She was basically gone anyways and this was exactly what he knew would happen. I might have mentioned the day before she left, he had apparently told her to get her clothes..all of her clothes..this was relayed to me by my older daughter after the fact. In fact the typical Sunday late evening she would normally come home for beginning of new week, she did not this time. She was out with him purchasing this car and did not come back to our home until Thursday of that week, so she had actually stayed gone 4 nights this time. Through more "investigating" on my part since the purchase of her new car, I found an article online that this individual dealer was arrested for money laundering and conspiracy to conduct financial transactions involving proceeds of narcotics trafficking. He plead guilty and what better to know he is still in business under a different name and still selling cars.

 

[Catmom]

Tough situation. I know at that age, I was involved with my abusive ex and when my sister talked with my parents and me about her concern over his very controlling ways, I got angry with her and stayed with him. I guess what I am trying to say is that you can look into resources for your daughter, and if you feel it is appropriate, let her come home but please be prepared to deal with you helping her and her going back to him as it does happen quite often. I hope it doesn't for you but I know from experience that sometimes, the one abused breaks away and then gets drawn back into the relationship. Just don't wrap yourself into her life and try to control it, although it's what a parent wants to do, she has to decide for herself. And yes, find those resources like mentioned. That way, you can get her going in the right direction.

 

[BusynMember]

You can tell her where to go for help for domestic abuse, but she has to be the one to access it. You cant really run interference for her.

I have volunteered far and wide all my life and one of many places was a domestic abuse shelter. There were wonderful services and counseling, even for the men, and help finding work and affordable housing and government programs. But they couldnt force anyone to stay. Many, many went back, even with children, to abusive partners. It is up to the person.

I hope daughter sees the light.

 

[susiestar]

One of the scariest figures I have heard is that it takes an average of seven times of leaving for a woman to actually stay away from an abuser. This means that an average of six times they go back. An AVERAGE, meaning that some go back a whole lot more often. All the family can do is try to let them know that they are there for them. ANd that resources are there for them. It really really stinks.

 

[Cindy Marie]

UPDATE: My daughter reached out to me yesterday morning by text(from her new phone number) and began the conversation with "Hey." She then proceeded to ask if "they" are allowed to stop by our house because she was over this way and that she really missed our dog..she actually said she misses "my dog." and that our little dog was her best friend. She continued texting before I responded and then asked " can you take her out the house today and she can stop by and kiss her and play with her in the back yard." Then asked for a picture of our dog. I took a picture and sent to her..she replied " I love her." "Does she miss me?" I of course told her yes. She said she had been wanting to show him our house( we recently moved into a new home in October) and that she knows I do not like him and probably never will but for me to just say hi or something as she wants to show her house off and see her dog and get food. My husband and I had stepped out for a few errands and actually were not home as she was writing this. I did respond by telling her she was welcomed to come by. She said well he could just wait in the car but still persistent about allowing him to come inside and that if she comes home for good she knows that I will not accept him but would I enough to let him come upstairs or something...she knows it upsets me and that he does not abuse me."(I am writing this conversation just how she was texting). I told her to give me just a moment as we were just arriving back home...to text and she said "Mom! I just want you to text me and if I could call her later too." " I just miss u..A lot...I told her I miss her too so very much..Again she wrote..." I will come home if he could come over sometimes..I want to come home I miss you...I miss you and brat(our little Westie).."I can pick you up and get breakfast and Friday after school we can go to Ulta and get lunch or something...Mommy....( and here comes these random texts or one liners...immediately following the word "Mommy(again I am writing our conversation here as she wrote) "We need to have a serious talk...I replied Ok and she replied "Yes." I assumed she thought I was asking her if she was Ok but that was my response to her writing about having a serious talk.
Then she jumped right back about sending another picture of our dog. Well about this time we had arrived at home..I saw someone running beside our house...It was her!! She ran into the house hugging our dog and us and was like a little girl in a candy store. The tears just flowed from my eyes and down my face. My husband did ask her if she was happy and she said " No." but then she said he was different than other guys and that if she was being abused she would tell us. We knew better as she would not tell us. We had previously seen some bruises which I did not mention in my first thread but at that time, he also asked then and she said she fell..it was on the upper back side of her arm..typical of someone grabbing..but she denied it of course. She grabbed a few drinks and doughnuts and as she left my husband hugged her tight and the tears just flowed from her face and of course mine too. She did continue texting me after she left and is suppose to come here this morning before her class to get breakfast. She said she can not wait to see me and she would pick me up..and again she misses me. I did not say so much during this brief time she was here and also through text as I am trying to be careful as to what to say and what not to say. I am not sure I will receive responses in time before she arrives, but the kind words, prayers and any advise is so much appreciated as this we know will not be an overnight process.

 

[bluebell]

I have a daughter 17 who was in a controlling relationship last year. I know she is much younger, but as you know this tendency starts here. She went back to him once after it was over even though she knew better. I can see where you would kick her out, she was not following your rules and you gave her plenty of chances. She was able to stay away from him after we established a boycott on driving and clothing/beauty purchases. She has another boyfriend now but he is not controlling. He seems to forget he has a girlfriend every now and then but he is 17
I have thought through these 'older' scenarios in my head, and I would allow my daughter to visit without the boyfriend. I would maybe even take her to lunch. But no way would I take her to Ulta. That is the only leverage I would have - if I gave in to buying eyelashes - what else would she need me for? But seriously, my daughter is jaw-dropping beautiful (partial here too) and has a lot of the qualities you describe, very humble and innocent. Oddly enough, she has had nothing but drama from other girls so doesn't really have any good girlfriends like I did growing up. She adores her animals too. I never thought that these qualities would make her vulnerable to abuse, I really naively thought that only girls with 'daddy issues' would cling to an abuser. And she is very close to her father (it sounds like yours is too). Stay strong!

 

[RN0441]

Cindy:

I do not have girls (wish I did!!) but sounds like things are correcting themselves in your home. I think maybe having her leave was a good thing now.

Glad she's coming home. That way you and her father can watch over her and get her away from this man if you indeed feel he is abusive. Either way would get to know him. I would not want my daughter dating a man I did not know period.

Good luck.

 

[AppleCori]

Glad things are looking better, Cindy!

I, too, would (reluctantly) get to know the boyfriend and have him over occasionally.

If he is abusive, he may pull the 'your parents won't give me a chance, so you need to be on my side and dump them' card.

Don't give him that.

Keep the lines of communications open with your daughter.

Apple

 

[Copabanana]

I got lost somewhere. Is she coming home to live?

I think you really got good counsel here. I agree with Susie and others that she is better off at home, where she has both protection and support to learn how to set boundaries, and not so much under his control.

It sounds like she is a compliant person and follows the guidance of others, without having a strong sense in herself of what is correct. I identify with this. When I am under stress, I want others to decide for me and it takes a long while until I am sure what it is that I want or not. It embarrasses me to say this but the truth is the truth.

It sounds like in him she fell under the sway of an authority figure that came to usurp your authority in your home. It is not so much that she listen to you and obey your rules but that she find in herself over time the authority to see what is in her interests and to set boundaries and guide herself by this inner voice and value. This is a process. One that I am trying to learn, belatedly, too.

she did not know what to do to get out of it and how controlling he is.

Like you do here, I would be available for as much dialog as possible where she is able to express safely how he feels, to let it out, without your solving problems for her, or telling her the "right" thing to do.

she felt "forced" she is weak and that she needed me to help her

I agree with the others, to give her referrals and perhaps go with her, I don't know, to domestic violence programs. If he is hitting her (or worse) she is a victim of a crime. There is free therapy available for an extended period with experienced therapists through the district attorney's office, called "victim witness" benefits. The domestic violence/crisis programs could help her.

please be prepared to deal with you helping her and her going back to him as it does happen quite often.

This is helpful to ME. I do not have a daughter, but my son both wants our support, but resists any responsibility or accountability. It reminds me that any changing is a process.

if "they" are allowed to stop by our house

I do not know how I think about this. If you KNOW he is abusing her, bullying her, controlling her, pushing her to involve herself in business transactions against her interests, manipulating her to put herself in situations against her interests--how can you allow him in your house?

Would this not be deemed as acceptance and consent? Would it not be giving him and his bad behavior your approval?

would I enough to let him come upstairs or something...

And what if he is up to no good? Why would he want so much to enter your space? For what good reason? He has deliberately undermined your family with selfish and self-serving, potentially criminal acts. Why would he want to enter your space? Why should he?

I will come home if he could come over sometimes..

Personally, I think your home should be her and your refuge.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you keep posting. Take care.

 

[Copabanana]

You know I was a young girl like your daughter. And I went off the deep end when I went away to college. I had few boundaries and little self-esteem. I was subject to whatever the lowest common denominator that I was exposed to. It was a process whereby gradually I decided what kind of life I wanted, and put that into effect. It was much harder for me to believe I had the ability and the worth to decide and to take control to not let other people hurt me. It is still hard.

I am still easily influenced by other people. I know this about myself and I am guarded about who I allow close. It has influenced greatly my outlook upon life. It is not life's fault that my boundaries are not good enough, it is my own lack.

I see this as your daughter's life work as it was my own, to learn to be autonomous, open to life, and trusting not so much others, but her own ability to protect herself. To know in herself that whatever life presents, safety or danger, she will decide well.

 

[Cindy Marie]

Well she was visiting today but as the day went by she continued repeating how much she missed me, her dad, her dog and her home. She did bring a few things back inside and placed in her room. She walked into her room and put her head down on her bed and said she missed her bed. She said she wanted to come back home. Our breakfast went well and our day overall. I tried to let her talk as much as possible. She did continue asking about him coming to our house if she came home. In fact, she asked if he could spend the night. She knows I would never allow a man to sleep in my home and certainly not this one. I asked her why she felt he would need to spend the night here and she replied " she did not know..she was just asking. She also was trying to get us to cook dinner for him this weekend and then said well maybe we could all go to dinner. I am going to reach out to these resources you all have mentioned as I can see the fear in her eyes. She wrote me several times again after she left that she needed to talk to me more. The only thing she mentioned on her own was that she does not spend her money on him and that he does not abuse her; however, when she handed her wallet to me to put her debit card back inside, I clearly saw some receipts from restaurants(one that I know she just went to this weekend with him) and my other daughter said that she and her friend saw a bruise on her side and asked her about it..she said she hit the counter which is higher than her waist. My other daughter said he will not let her go places but at specific times as he thinks she will cheat on him. I know she is pressuring us to accept him so it makes it easier for her to come home.

 

[Copabanana]

I know she is pressuring us to accept him so it makes it easier for her to come home.

I think I might speak with somebody at the Domestic Violence program to find out how to handle this. It could be that leaving it open ended, with the possibility that you might accept him (a cold day in hell) would be in her best interests. I would not promise, because that would clearly be a falsehood. I might also speak with the police. They will have an officer who deals with domestic violence. Speaking in general you could ask the officer how to proceed.

My other daughter said he will not let her go places but at specific times as he thinks she will cheat on him.

This is concerning. He sounds like a troubled person. I would want her away from him as soon as it could be managed.

I might even consider going to the restaurant if you believe really it would expedite her coming home. You would not be giving consent or approval. You would basically be opening the door for her return. Nothing more. If it was me I would speak to the police who works with domestic violence and ask what to do.

She wrote me several times again after she left that she needed to talk to me more.

This concerns me, too. I am glad you have opened communication with her. There is the possibility that she wants to confide about the ways she has been compromised or hurt, or could she be pregnant?

This is a worrisome situation, I agree. You are doing everything right. It is a question of accelerating her return, and minimizing the potential to her of harm. I might do whatever it took, to get her back, that is sanctioned by the domestic violence people and the police. She might not even be safe from him, if she leaves his home. He might stalk her. That is a possibility. He may be gaining control over her, by telling her that he could hurt others she loves. You do not know. They have safe houses for women involved with men of this type. That is something to talk about with the DV program. Do we know if this guy has a record of this type of behavior with other women? Is this something that you would want to check out? Would it help you to know how to proceed?

 

[Cindy Marie]

I did reach out to the Domestic Violence Agency and basically she reiterated what everybody in this thread has mentioned. She did in fact say this is domestic violence. Unfortunately until my daughter sees this is what she is involved in (and the fact that she is 18) I have my hands tied as what I can do. I am walking on egg shells as far as watching what I say and how I say anything. She has visited me everyday since Sunday and still has not opened up about much of anything. She continues pressuring me about going to dinner and having him come over this Friday. She did not go to class today as she was not feeling well and said he would be mad if he knew this. She hid her car in our garage and then I had to run a few errands and she said I needed to take my car, which I was planning on doing that in the first place. I am so devasted with all of this and continue praying for guidance.

 

[Copabanana]

She continues pressuring me about going to dinner and having him come over this Friday

If it were me I would call the police officer who handles domestic violence, too.

I would ask the DV program if you should go along with your daughter in meeting her half way with the guy. Like going to the restaurant, etc., as a means to encourage her in any way to come home, where she will be protected. I would NOT let him come over to the house. But that is me.

While they have confirmed it is domestic violence, you need to know what to do to get her out. That is why I would get counsel from the agency and police as to what should be your next steps.

It is encouraging that she is visiting every day. I think if it was me I might play along and go to the restaurant, if you think that it would encourage her to come home, but I would not allow him in my home. And certainly not allow him to stay over. But I think I would talk it over with the DV group and the police before I did anything.

She did not go to class today as she was not feeling well and said he would be mad if he knew this.

This perplexes me. It is as if she is putting you in the middle. Setting you up. It is like a triangulation. She seems to playing out her conflict with you. On the one hand she is encouraging you to allow him into your house and life. On the other she is demonizing him as controlling. I might flat out ask her about this. But then I would be afraid. I think you need counseling. Can you see somebody at the domestic violence center?

 

[Cindy Marie]

I definitely know she is trying to play all sides attempting to "please" us all. She won't be able to continue such and I have reached out to another agency concerning counseling as this is just beyond me. She did text me shortly ago saying she feels like such a failure and is down on herself. This we already know. This breaks my heart. I am trying to get answers as to how we can get some kind of direction.

 

[Copabanana]

I am trying to get answers as to how we can get some kind of direction.

I know you do not feel clear and confident--but you sound good. I think you are taking all of the right steps.

I feel so bad for her. She is too young to have to deal with this kind of thing. Please keep us informed. She is so lucky to have you. She knows it.

 

[Cindy Marie]

I am trying to take all the right steps. This agency is calling me back today. I could not go back to sleep as this is just keeping me in knots. Since just my last post from last night, my daughter texted me that she can not wait to see me again today, that she loves me(she actually wrote "I love you mommy."..this always makes me smile when she calls me mommy at 18). Then she said she loves me more than anything and that she knows I am not happy with her but that she loves me and she is trying to make me proud. My heart aches for her as this by far is making me proud. I have also come to learn of more lies as that his mother and stepfather-where she is staying-think that we just got into some type of argument-not sure about what as she would not say-but that they apparently thought I knew of this so called relationship. I did not and from what I understand they would not let her stay if they were aware of that. She has continued to go back there this week after her part time job. She continues asking about the dinner she wants us to all go to with him and after this Friday-after seeing how it goes-then she can bring the rest of her belongings home. I asked her why she has not gone ahead and brought the rest of them as during the week she has brought inside what was inside her trunk and car. I have told her that I do not think it is best that we go to dinner as I know if we let our guards down, she will have him over our house and not to mention..if we do go to dinner and still inform her he can not come to our house -how is she going to understand this or perceive this? I think the reason for continuing to go back to that house this week is because she is not telling them what she is telling me and keeping them thinking we are still in an argument until this weekend provided we go to dinner and then she will be comfortable to bring her things back knowing he could come over anytime so she thinks. So while she told me why she lied about this guy -she knew we would not accept it and still do not- why did she lie to his family in order to stay there? It is just one big lie...one right after another-and she has got to be exhausted keeping up with them.

One thing the domestic violence lady said was to continue telling her she is worthy and to point out specific things about a relationship--such as love is not lying-love is not hurting someone and to use my husband and our relationship(he is such a kind and gentle man and has always said a man should treat his wife with respect and show that to their children)This is what perplexes me as our children have always seen this in him and me and he has always put his family first. She has seen nothing but love and respect in our home. With this said, I also pointed out to her - when she would say that at least this guy cares about her school-keep in mind she did not go to class yesterday as she was not feeling well yesterday morning and parked her car into our garage and wanted me to drive my car for my errands -we know so he would not see her or us- and I mentioned love is not getting someone under a car payment that she could not afford-she is feeling like she is going to have to drop a class or even this semester in order to work for this car-she works an average of 15 hours per week-a little more than $8 per hour and this car payment is $300 and the insurance he has on it-I believe she is on his policy with State Farm-is $300 per month. So I reiterated that if he cared about her school and not missing class-why would he insist on her getting under this kind of pressure? I know she is a bright child but we know why he got her into this and as my other daughter continues to say she is so fearful of him. Well I actually said this on Tuesday and it must have registered somewhat as she said yesterday that she did not know how she was going to work, go to school, and pay over $600 per month. She even thought since she just got it she could take it back since she has not paid the first payment. Poor girl- I told her it does not quite work like that with the purchase of a car-if she lets it go-it is in his name too-but if he does not pay- that is her credit she will be ruined at such an early age. She left for work frustrated as she text me that she apologized how she left but she was just frustrated. She had also said "mom if you can get me a car-please do." Well I said I told you this when you mentioned me taking away a car if I got you one and that to never ever co sign with anyone such as a boyfriend -certainly not this crazy man-did not call him that as I am trying to not say so much about him as I am the situation per the DV agency. She said well it is after the fact now. I told her well she is obligated if she does not want her credit ruined. I feel like as long as we do not allow him to come over, she is going to continue this lie with his family(Lord only knows when they will say enough is enough and you need to leave) and not come home. It is crazy as she only works approximately 3 miles from home and she is leaving work every night to drive 45 minutes to this crazy man's home. She did also say as far as her belongings go-she has not had a chance to get the rest of them-we know better. I also found out the phone which has always been under my husband's name should not have been allowed to be taken to another carrier without his consent. She has the same phone we are still paying for but a different number. Our carrier-Verizon-said eventually at some point the phone will not work and that they have no idea how that slipped through the cracks as my husband was not informed or sent any consent to transfer an active phone. I also called the other carrier it was transferred to and they said the same thing. She is eligible for an upgrade in May and wants to get a new phone. Now she is scared to tell him anything as his mother ( previously we were not sure who was paying for the phone or if she got a new phone as well etc.) added her number to her plan. There is not a contract through the other carrier-but she says she will have to "provide an explanation" to them as to why she is getting a new phone suddenly(well I have not gotten anything yet) and she does not want to be confronted by them.

 

[BusynMember]

This is sad. Your daughter is young and so naive and I dont know how common it is for her to elaborately lie like she is, but she needs help and that depends on whether she is willing to receive it. Speaking just for myself, i would rather my daughter ruin her credit for seven years than stay with an abusive man. I wouldnt even worry about the credit at this point. She needs to get away from those people if she can and is willing.

I am wondering if daughters plan is to first make her boyfriend acceptable to you and in your house so she can ask if he can live there with her. It all sounds very crazy and possibly crafted. You know your daughter best.

If she is willing, perhaps you can talk her into a shot for birth control. She would be in trouble if she were tied to him and his controlling family forever by a shared child.

I am sad for your pain and hope your daughter gets out of that situation. Always remember this is not your fault.