Our son passed away last Thanksgiving morning

[lovemysons]

Thank you so much Fran for reaching out to me today. You still have so much to offer those around you after all these years. You were such a blessing to me back in the day as you were like my online mom. And suggested much better advice than even my actual mom.

I’m not really angry at Jarod. Just disappointed that he couldn’t hang on and stop using. He had a million chances until one day his chances ran out.

I did go through a whirlwind of emotions last year and a lot of people I love paid the price.

I know my dear husband certainly deserves better. And I know my daughter desperately wants me to succeed in life despite adversity. She’s a wonderful example herself.

It’s baby steps for me right now. Just getting a little part time job at home will be a big improvement. I spent much of my life on Jarod the last 20 years. So living with a new purpose is what I have to do.

I hope things turned out okay for your difficult child. I know how much blood sweat and tears you put into raising him as well.

Again…it’s great to see you Fran! Thank you so much for reaching out to me today.
I wish my story had had a happy ending where Jarod is concerned but I also know I am still here for a reason so my mission is not over.

Hugs and love

 

[FranP]

Thank you so much Fran for reaching out to me today. You still have so much to offer those around you after all these years. You were such a blessing to me back in the day as you were like my online mom. And suggested much better advice than even my actual mom.

I’m not really angry at Jarod. Just disappointed that he couldn’t hang on and stop using. He had a million chances until one day his chances ran out.

I did go through a whirlwind of emotions last year and a lot of people I love paid the price.

I know my dear husband certainly deserves better. And I know my daughter desperately wants me to succeed in life despite adversity. She’s a wonderful example herself.

It’s baby steps for me right now. Just getting a little part time job at home will be a big improvement. I spent much of my life on Jarod the last 20 years. So living with a new purpose is what I have to do.

I hope things turned out okay for your difficult child. I know how much blood sweat and tears you put into raising him as well.

Again…it’s great to see you Fran! Thank you so much for reaching out to me today.
I wish my story had had a happy ending where Jarod is concerned but I also know I am still here for a reason so my mission is not over.

Hugs and love

Thank you so much Fran for reaching out to me today. You still have so much to offer those around you after all these years. You were such a blessing to me back in the day as you were like my online mom. And suggested much better advice than even my actual mom.

I’m not really angry at Jarod. Just disappointed that he couldn’t hang on and stop using. He had a million chances until one day his chances ran out.

I did go through a whirlwind of emotions last year and a lot of people I love paid the price.

I know my dear husband certainly deserves better. And I know my daughter desperately wants me to succeed in life despite adversity. She’s a wonderful example herself.

It’s baby steps for me right now. Just getting a little part time job at home will be a big improvement. I spent much of my life on Jarod the last 20 years. So living with a new purpose is what I have to do.

I hope things turned out okay for your difficult child. I know how much blood sweat and tears you put into raising him as well.

Again…it’s great to see you Fran! Thank you so much for reaching out to me today.
I wish my story had had a happy ending where Jarod is concerned but I also know I am still here for a reason so my mission is not over.

Hugs and love

Just remember your life is about more than just Jarod. It’s an onion and you are so much more than a sad mom. You have a gift.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you Fran. Please do tell.
What is my “gift?”

I used to think I was very intuitive and could read peoples feelings but not anymore.
When I had the psychotic break due to going manic because of undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder many things changed.
For one I slept for around 5 years afterwards…my brain was trying to heal. I also take lots of medication now for it.

As you know from your research when you have Bipolar Disorder you are prone to extreme feelings and emotions. Now that I’m on so much medicine and have been since 2007 I no longer feel as intensely as I used to.
I can’t even write the way I used to.

I have no idea what my “gift” is now. Last year I lashed out at everyone over Jarod. This year feels like a year of change. Maybe it’s the prospect of working after all these years.

I have thought about doing some volunteer work with the homeless in our community. Maybe there I’ll discover something about myself.

I am a blank slate starting over after raising a family and losing a child.

 

[Smithmom]

Formerly OTE

T,
I came to lurk here a bit for the first time in a few years. So sorry I didn't see this a year ago. I'm sure the upcoming anniversary is hitting you hard. All I can offer is my strength to lift you up, my empathy and compassion to offer you comfort and as many hugs as you can handle.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you OTE! It’s been an awfully long time since I’ve seen you here. How are you? How are your 3?

 

[Smithmom]

LMS. This is the second time I've been here in years. And glad I came if I can offer any comfort.

I'm great. Enjoying my "retirement" collecting ss and pension. #3 lives with me by mutual choice and is my delight.
He's still "in training" to live with a roommate in current home when I'm gone. Has the perfect PT job for him and SSDI should give him enough to live on. Haven't got him fully set up for independent living so that keeps me busy. #2 lives nearby with a girlfriend and supports himself. Still maturing but on the right track. #3 has ODD as always but now its more tolerable because he has to live with his choices, bros and I not affected. I only look on from afar. Did 10 years in fed system for selling but had a better chance of living there than out. So was fine with me. Wanted to meet biomom so I found her and they have some relationship now. He moved to live near her. Says if he lived here he'd use again. Refuses 12 step or any other support. Makes a lot of money legally now and says he's clean. I struggle with his attitude that everything is roses now and his lousy childhood and damage to rest of us was all my fault. "If I had just left him alone" he could have handled all the drugs and behaviors, would have finished HS (despite not attending and being high every day) and life would now be better. His last drug of choice was heroin. Sure, OD'd many times but he would today be fine living on heroin if I had just let him be. Uh huh.

And introducing them to their biomoms... Another interesting facet of life. Can only introduce them and let go. And for me, try to find forgiveness for what was done to them in utero. That's a 3 yr work in progress. Or lack of progress. LOL.

 

[lovemysons]

Hello again OTE! I’m so happy to hear you’re enjoying your retirement and that you’ve got a sidekick that is a delight. Jarod was my sidekick but not always my delight lol

I’m glad number 2 is making progress with his girlfriend and supports himself. That is a plus.

As far as number 3 goes. Sounds like he has yet to look at himself honestly. That’s too bad. I know we had 2 hellions to raise and anything that was not “normal” parent behavior was brought on by incredible abnormal behaviors from them! Plus we paid our dues and then some by raising them way past the point of 18.
Let it go OTE. He’s had only himself to blame but apparently isn’t ready to accept this.

I’m okay. Still going to the casino lots but we are about to get a new puppy this weekend that when she gets older we will breed with our male. Pretty soon we’re going to have a dog farm!

The second year anniversary of Jarod’s death is coming up. He died on Thanksgiving morning 2021. I miss him terribly. On a good day he had the biggest heart on the planet…and loved his mama so very much. We were so close.

Our daughter her husband and their sweet daughter Evelyn will soon be moving in with us when their house sells. They got themselves into too much debt and have to pay everything off and start over. Husband works from home and our daughter is a licensed massage therapist not currently using her college degree.
I’ll have to practice staying out of their business which will be tough with them living in our house. But hopefully puppy and granddaughter will occupy most of my time.

I’m so glad you stopped by. It is nice being supported by folks I’ve had a long history with here on the board.
Hugs and love to you.
Enjoy your retirement…you deserve it!
LMS

 

[Smithmom]

Thanks LMS. One of my problems with #2 and 3 is a problem we all have with relatives. Setting boundaries. They move theirs and invade mine all the time. You'll have that problem every day with them living with you. Having the baby there, available to be spoiled is a huge incentive to make it work. You might want to set up a weekly family mtg to air problems. And a time limit to keep them on track with budgeting.

My son, like most addicts lies constantly which bugs me too. Just can't trust him. He's also turned to alcohol. Yikes! And he's fathered a son by son girl he dated briefly. I hate hearing about how he's treating this baby. I don't want to hear about this child being deaf by adulthood, lack of nutrition, etc. He has no apparent intention of treating this child as #1 in his life or offering advantages he can afford to give. So I detach.

Miss you too.

 

[Tiredof33]

I can not find the words that would come close to trying to give you comfort. My son has relapsed after 4 years of a fairly stable life style.

He has Baker Acted himself 3 times in about a 6 weeks time frameI panicked as I'm sure most parents understand.

He broke up with his financee and has found the 'one' quickly. She is so wonderful and is helping him to stay sober.

She also doesn't work, is a recovering drug addict. He told me she told him you don't have to use alcohol to party, so I'm sure he has replaced alcohol with another drug. He posts to FB at 4am about having a natural high. He posts pics of cutting hinself which I reported and FB admin too down immediately. He was also mixing other drugs with alcohol. He does have a job so her attraction to him is possibly his paycheck.

I fell back into 'fix it' mode. Constant request for so much money. No amount is ever enough. He was arrested for tresspassing, it was ONLY $100 so I bailed him out. All of his friends and between them they can' t come up with $100? His court date wasn't until the end of Nov & he would loose his job. He does need to work.

Then, the police lost his backpack with all of his belongings so I bought a cheap phone replacement. Of course, that mobile doesn't work, he can't return it to Walmart because he didn't keep the box and he needs money to mail it to Motorola.

I say no and get 4 text messages, Pleeeeeese! He even sent a text last Saturday night asking me to order him & girlfriend a pizza. Many texts later he requested, well just send me $20 and I'll order it myself.

I had so hoped my 44 year old son would finally turn his life around. I get jerked back into the same place I was 10/20 years ago. I spent weeks rereading this forum, books, meditating, crafting.

Hubby is not bio dad and that really helps me stay balanced. Hubby is also getting on my last frayed nerve, as everything is right now, lol.

My heart aches for your loss, I have lost my mother and 2 sisters recently and I know as painful as that loss is it can never compare to losing a child.

My son has had 3 or 4 'friends' die from fentanyl overdoses recently. That has not stopped him from using. My stomach stays in knots waiting for 'the' phone call. I have become very spiritual over the years, but I'm starting to believe there is no hell, other than here on earth.

I wish you comfort, please don't judge your mother too harshly, I'm sure she is devastated too.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you Tiredof33.

The 2 year anniversary of my son’s death is coming up soon. I rarely go to the cemetery as I know that is not where he is anymore. For a long time I replayed his last week in my head and the day he was hit and killed with Meth in his system on Thanksgiving morning. No shoes on his feet. A pack of cigarettes and 3 dollars to his name.

I am getting better. Just got a new Australian shepherd puppy and she is a very calm delight. We are also waiting on a loan to be approved this week so we can start building an outbuilding next to our house. And as soon as my daughter’s house sells her family will be buying an RV and putting it on our land to live. Changes. Finally life is starting to move forward again. I need this. I can’t stay stagnant in depression. I know Jarod’s love for me would never want that. On his best day he had a heart of gold.

I can’t tell you what you should “do” regarding your own son. I think now it has more to with what they do for themselves.
You won’t win his sobriety for him or keep it for him long term. These are things he’ll have to want for himself. My dear Jarod always put drugs first. And drugs had the last word.

 

[trinityroyal]

LMS, I've been gone for a long time but stopped in today and saw this. I am so very sorry for your loss, and so very glad to hear that you're starting to find a measure of peace. Many gentle hugs my friend. I will keep you and all of yours in prayer.
Trinity.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you so much Trinity.
It really has been a very long time we’ve seen you around here. How have you and your family been?

 

[Nandina]

Lovemysons, I know the Thanksgiving holiday is very hard for you and I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and your precious Jarod. Prayers of peace and comfort go out to you and your family.

Your new puppy sounds adorable and from what you wrote on another post, quite a handful! There is nothing like dog or puppy love to bring you comfort in times of stress or sadness, is there?

Take good care, relax and enjoy the day with your husband (and pup). Hugs to you.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you so much Nandina. I miss Jarod every moment of every day. He was a very special person. I’m so glad we were as bonded as we were and had a good relationship. We were a lot alike both having Bipolar disorder.

I actually named our new puppy Jade with Jarod in mind. Similar letters.
And yes she is a handful…just like Jarod was.

Hugs back to you.
I hope you have a good Thanksgiving with family or the ones you love.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi LMS. I too am thinking of you and your family and precious Jared and sending you love. Have a nice dinner just the two of you and I hope you get to go to the casino.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you Copa.
Jarod is heavy in my heart this morning.

 

[KTMom91]

Many hugs, LMS.

 

[New Leaf]

Sending warm hugs Lms.

 

[Crayola14]

Jared was a handsome guy. It must have been exhausting raising two boys so close in age, especially as toddlers.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you all for thinking of me around Thanksgiving.
Crayola yes it was exhausting raising 2 boys close in age. They were constantly on the move! I nursed the first one for 13 months. The Dr had to tell me to stop so my body could give to Jarod who I was carrying.
Plus oldest has manic tendencies. Barely sleeps. Today is a workaholic with his own very successful company.
Jarod was depressive bipolar like me.

Our daughter was a dream. Quiet and peaceful. Born on Mother’s Day. My gift for putting up with her brothers lol