Should I feel guilty for wanting my depressed adult son to live on his own

rosanna-d

New Member
Hi there. This is my first time posting here and found this thread as I can do relate. My heart is breaking right now for my son. He’s 27 and on the verge of being homeless. I can’t have him in our home as he stayed with us and had a couple outbursts, the last which did damage to the house and he ended up cutting his hand so bad he severed tendons and nerves. He’s been staying with his best friend but now has to leave. He’s depressed. Has high anxiety. Can’t work but won’t do what he needs to get income assistance. I can’t believe that we are at this point. I feel so so guilty and so helpless.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Ma'am why do YOU feel guilty??? You have NO reason. Your son is a 27 year old man. Please read on.

I don't understand why you son can't work. Anxiety and depression, I have both, are very common and treatable and most of us work. Is he refusing treatment or using pot in place of proper treat ment? To many of our difficult adult kids pot is the safe, perfect cure for anything. Only it isn't. The pot doesn't seem to make them function better. Why can't he go to your county mental health facility to get professional treatment? Isn't it his fault he is in this situation? Aren't there steps he can take to improve his life? He is able bodied and capable of manuel labor even if he has depression and anxiety. Working will keep him busy, which is part of treatment for depression and anxiety. Doing nothing makes you feel worse.

When I was around your sons age it never occurred to me not to work because of my mental illness. I brought a calming book, put it in my purse, and if I had a panic attack, I went into the restroom, locked myself in a stall and read my book until the panic attack subsided. I also had and tool anxiety medications and went to therapy weekly. My mom didnt take care of me at 27. It wasn't even on her mind. And I was so severely depressed that once I spent ten weeks in a psychiatric hospital. But I never stopped trying and I did well. I am still doing well. I am 64.

Your son has to take control and do better or he could make himself an invalid because of common, treatable mental illnesses. You can't help him. He needs to man up and take care of himself or he will never get better. Your help could actually make your son be more helpless and feel sorry for himself. How will that teach him to cope?

I wish you peace and hope your son will take care of himself. He can try for SSI too, but his illnesses should be treated either way. If he never works you will think of him as a poor little boy, he will feel useless, and you can't live forever to care for him. Nor should you have to.

by the way neither depression not anxiety cause violence and destruction of property. I hope you pressed charges. There is no excuse for that. It is violence. Your moving into the criminal area there. If he does that to a stranger, it will be pursued.

Love and hugs!
 
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rosanna-d

New Member
Thank you for the reply...I should have written more but was using my phone, so will try here :). It's not only the depression/anxiety that he is dealing with, he also has physical health issues that have caused him to now lose 40lbs (He's 6'1 and a string bean already). He worked steady up to 3 years ago and has slipped further and further down. He came home this past June in the hopes of getting his health on track, however there's been no improvement. Been out of our home now since November 1st. He doesn't drink or do drugs to self medicate. As a young boy he suffered with depression and anxiety and was treated for those plus ADHD. So many are trying to help him. His Dr, his girlfriend, me...I am trying to come to terms with my role in this and am back in therapy myself. It is so frustrating...I see so much of me in him at that age, except I was still functioning...working, raising a baby, husband, etc. This young man who has outbursts is not the son I know. And we did call the cops. Where we live, they won't charge them right off the bat..they will take them to the hospital for evaluation. He had already left and taken himself to the nearest firehall, where they called an ambulance and took him to the hospital for his hand. We tried to get them to keep him under 48 hour observation for medical reasons..even our Dr called the hospital...but when my son is calm, he presents himself very well and they couldn't see a reason to keep him...that is super frustrating.
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Hi CarpE
This is an old thread I am not sure if you have started your own thread but it may help as this one may get buried.

It is a tough thing to let go and get out of their way.

I asked a lot of questions when we refused to let our son come home.
What would be different ....NOTHING
Would it help him .....No
Would it sustain his current behaviour? YES

And so many more. I made a list I kept it near and every time he called and begged I used it to reinforce our decision.
I honestly know if we had not put our son out we could have been helping him do death. He already ODd in our home. I could not face this again.

We all do what our hearts can bear and none of it is easy.

You are not alone.
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Thank you for the reply...I should have written more but was using my phone, so will try here :). It's not only the depression/anxiety that he is dealing with, he also has physical health issues that have caused him to now lose 40lbs (He's 6'1 and a string bean already). He worked steady up to 3 years ago and has slipped further and further down. He came home this past June in the hopes of getting his health on track, however there's been no improvement. Been out of our home now since November 1st. He doesn't drink or do drugs to self medicate. As a young boy he suffered with depression and anxiety and was treated for those plus ADHD. So many are trying to help him. His Dr, his girlfriend, me...I am trying to come to terms with my role in this and am back in therapy myself. It is so frustrating...I see so much of me in him at that age, except I was still functioning...working, raising a baby, husband, etc. This young man who has outbursts is not the son I know. And we did call the cops. Where we live, they won't charge them right off the bat..they will take them to the hospital for evaluation. He had already left and taken himself to the nearest firehall, where they called an ambulance and took him to the hospital for his hand. We tried to get them to keep him under 48 hour observation for medical reasons..even our Dr called the hospital...but when my son is calm, he presents himself very well and they couldn't see a reason to keep him...that is super frustrating.
Man sounds a lot like my son.
 
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