Apologies for the length of this. I haven’t posted about my son much lately because things had been going relatively well. I posted about his stay in jail a year and a half ago and his psychotic break there after doing meth and received good advice here. After being released from jail, he entered treatment for the third time and like all the other times, got kicked out after three months of a nine month program for anger issues and not following the rules. Apparently, they gave him multiple chances and he blew every one of them. This is so typical of my son.
He is 22 and has not been allowed to live in our home for the past four years due to drug use, anger issues and not following rules. He lived with his birth family in another state for about 6 months, but realized how dysfunctional they were and decided to leave which was a good move on his part. Even with all his issues, my son and I have maintained a decent relationship.
Last December, his life-long friend who lives in our city invited him to live here with his family (at home) and with his mother’s approval. The mother also managed a business and gave my son a job there. All was good and any reports to me were positive and flattering about my son, his good manners, work ethic, kindness, and how much everybody liked him.
I tried to stay out of the picture as much as possible, because his friend’s mother was acting in the role of caretaker, taking my son to appointments, driving him to work, etc. and he was doing so well. I was breathing easy.
Fast forward to about a week ago. I got a text from her saying my son is out of control, she had to fire him and kick him out of her home. We spoke and you wouldn’t know she was talking about the same person she had sung praises for previously. She told me she had never been treated so badly in her entire life. He’s on drugs, she said, acting out, hearing voices, doing things like jumping out of a moving car, yelling and going off on people.
She was so concerned that she helped get him mental health treatment and he spent time in a psychiatric facility but apparently it was to no avail. His behavior made him homeless once again. She never communicated with me during this time and apparently tried to handle all of it on her own. I felt awful that my son had put her through this and repeated the pattern he has become so accustomed to: Blowing every opportunity anyone ever gives him. Again, and again, and again. He’s been kicked out of three homes, one transitional living situation and three drug treatment facilities in four years all for drugs, anger issues, or refusing to follow rules. His behavior ruined his life-long friendship with the young man who invited him here.
My son admitted to me that he had done meth “like maybe 5 times,” and once again, I saw all the signs…the paranoia, “God” complex, rage, talking nonsense (our government is being run by pedophiles and cannibals—I saw it on the internet!), and in general just being out of his mind.
We sadly drove him to the homeless shelter where he has spent time on and off over the last four years knowing that he needed mental health and drug treatment but would probably not seek it. Within days, he was kicked out of the shelter permanently for going off on someone who borrowed something and didn’t return it. So now he was on the streets with no job, no home or shelter, little money and not thinking clearly.
I knew it would be hard for him to find a job right away, given his recent firing and probably a poor reference from the caretaker/manager as well as being a convicted felon. He also was still affected by the meth although I haven’t seen him high anytime recently and he claims he has not used. He does want to work and has been applying for jobs.
I knew he had a couple of paychecks coming and that the money had to last until he found a job. He has absolutely no money management skills and can blow through a paycheck in no time even if drugs are not involved. I suggested only giving himself about $50 a week spending money, mainly for food, so that he would have enough to last for weeks if need be until he found a job. He even agreed to let me manage the money so I could dole it out weekly and make it last, as he is truly incapable of doing so. He turned over his ATM card to me and I breathed a sigh of relief that he would have plenty of time to find a job with me helping control his money.
But, as it turns out, my son totally disregarded this agreement and continued to go to the bank and withdraw funds. He blew through the first paycheck in a matter of days, he says, mostly on fast food. I was livid. It was a small paycheck but at $50 a week could have lasted him a month. Perhaps I should have held onto the money, but I trusted him not to touch it since he knew there would be little more forthcoming.
The next paycheck was larger and I decided to withdraw the entire check and dole it out because I knew he would blow it if he had access to it. There was enough to last him two months. He knew we had agreed on $50 a week. When I checked the balance on payday, he had already withdrawn $150 and by the end of the day had blown through the entire amount. That was nearly half of his balance. But when I tried to access the funds, something was preventing me from withdrawing anything. I found out he had placed a block on the account that he had given me permission to manage!
That was the final straw for me. He claims he was worried about getting hacked and therefore blocked the money. But I called BS on that. He just didn’t want me to have access so he could take as much money as he wanted, knowing there was no more coming and no job in sight. Because he NEVER thinks of consequences.
I recently started seeing a counselor because I’ve been overwhelmed with my son’s issues and I wanted to be sure I wasn’t enabling him and needed a little guidance. She has helped me see that we have done everything we can possibly do for him and that he needs to avail himself of the social services in our city designed to help the mentally ill or drug addicts. She suggested several options for him.
So, yesterday, with great sadness and a little anger, I made my son go through some clothes we were holding for him so he wouldn’t have to lug them around, decide which ones he wanted to keep and throw away or donate the rest because we are done. I told him he violated my trust by blocking the account and blowing through the money, and that we couldn’t help him anymore. He would be totally on his own without us in the picture for the first time since he left home four years ago. And he is down to less than $200 with no job in sight.
He was shocked, I think, that I was doing this. He mentioned taking a bus (spending even more money) to another city with a homeless shelter. He kept saying, “I know you’re probably going to try and talk me out of this.” But I didn’t. I told him I knew he would do whatever he wanted regardless of what I say. He always does. I repeatedly mentioned the services my counselor had suggested and told him when he seeks help and is enrolled in a program, feel free to contact me.
And then I dropped him off downtown. And cried all the way home.
Thanks for “listening.”
He is 22 and has not been allowed to live in our home for the past four years due to drug use, anger issues and not following rules. He lived with his birth family in another state for about 6 months, but realized how dysfunctional they were and decided to leave which was a good move on his part. Even with all his issues, my son and I have maintained a decent relationship.
Last December, his life-long friend who lives in our city invited him to live here with his family (at home) and with his mother’s approval. The mother also managed a business and gave my son a job there. All was good and any reports to me were positive and flattering about my son, his good manners, work ethic, kindness, and how much everybody liked him.
I tried to stay out of the picture as much as possible, because his friend’s mother was acting in the role of caretaker, taking my son to appointments, driving him to work, etc. and he was doing so well. I was breathing easy.
Fast forward to about a week ago. I got a text from her saying my son is out of control, she had to fire him and kick him out of her home. We spoke and you wouldn’t know she was talking about the same person she had sung praises for previously. She told me she had never been treated so badly in her entire life. He’s on drugs, she said, acting out, hearing voices, doing things like jumping out of a moving car, yelling and going off on people.
She was so concerned that she helped get him mental health treatment and he spent time in a psychiatric facility but apparently it was to no avail. His behavior made him homeless once again. She never communicated with me during this time and apparently tried to handle all of it on her own. I felt awful that my son had put her through this and repeated the pattern he has become so accustomed to: Blowing every opportunity anyone ever gives him. Again, and again, and again. He’s been kicked out of three homes, one transitional living situation and three drug treatment facilities in four years all for drugs, anger issues, or refusing to follow rules. His behavior ruined his life-long friendship with the young man who invited him here.
My son admitted to me that he had done meth “like maybe 5 times,” and once again, I saw all the signs…the paranoia, “God” complex, rage, talking nonsense (our government is being run by pedophiles and cannibals—I saw it on the internet!), and in general just being out of his mind.
We sadly drove him to the homeless shelter where he has spent time on and off over the last four years knowing that he needed mental health and drug treatment but would probably not seek it. Within days, he was kicked out of the shelter permanently for going off on someone who borrowed something and didn’t return it. So now he was on the streets with no job, no home or shelter, little money and not thinking clearly.
I knew it would be hard for him to find a job right away, given his recent firing and probably a poor reference from the caretaker/manager as well as being a convicted felon. He also was still affected by the meth although I haven’t seen him high anytime recently and he claims he has not used. He does want to work and has been applying for jobs.
I knew he had a couple of paychecks coming and that the money had to last until he found a job. He has absolutely no money management skills and can blow through a paycheck in no time even if drugs are not involved. I suggested only giving himself about $50 a week spending money, mainly for food, so that he would have enough to last for weeks if need be until he found a job. He even agreed to let me manage the money so I could dole it out weekly and make it last, as he is truly incapable of doing so. He turned over his ATM card to me and I breathed a sigh of relief that he would have plenty of time to find a job with me helping control his money.
But, as it turns out, my son totally disregarded this agreement and continued to go to the bank and withdraw funds. He blew through the first paycheck in a matter of days, he says, mostly on fast food. I was livid. It was a small paycheck but at $50 a week could have lasted him a month. Perhaps I should have held onto the money, but I trusted him not to touch it since he knew there would be little more forthcoming.
The next paycheck was larger and I decided to withdraw the entire check and dole it out because I knew he would blow it if he had access to it. There was enough to last him two months. He knew we had agreed on $50 a week. When I checked the balance on payday, he had already withdrawn $150 and by the end of the day had blown through the entire amount. That was nearly half of his balance. But when I tried to access the funds, something was preventing me from withdrawing anything. I found out he had placed a block on the account that he had given me permission to manage!
That was the final straw for me. He claims he was worried about getting hacked and therefore blocked the money. But I called BS on that. He just didn’t want me to have access so he could take as much money as he wanted, knowing there was no more coming and no job in sight. Because he NEVER thinks of consequences.
I recently started seeing a counselor because I’ve been overwhelmed with my son’s issues and I wanted to be sure I wasn’t enabling him and needed a little guidance. She has helped me see that we have done everything we can possibly do for him and that he needs to avail himself of the social services in our city designed to help the mentally ill or drug addicts. She suggested several options for him.
So, yesterday, with great sadness and a little anger, I made my son go through some clothes we were holding for him so he wouldn’t have to lug them around, decide which ones he wanted to keep and throw away or donate the rest because we are done. I told him he violated my trust by blocking the account and blowing through the money, and that we couldn’t help him anymore. He would be totally on his own without us in the picture for the first time since he left home four years ago. And he is down to less than $200 with no job in sight.
He was shocked, I think, that I was doing this. He mentioned taking a bus (spending even more money) to another city with a homeless shelter. He kept saying, “I know you’re probably going to try and talk me out of this.” But I didn’t. I told him I knew he would do whatever he wanted regardless of what I say. He always does. I repeatedly mentioned the services my counselor had suggested and told him when he seeks help and is enrolled in a program, feel free to contact me.
And then I dropped him off downtown. And cried all the way home.
Thanks for “listening.”
