The David Pelzer "A Child Called It" Family War aftermath of book

[Tanya M]

I think that all of us here clearly tried so hard to give our children good childhoods. If we didn't love our children and want them happy, we wouldn't seek help.

Lil, I think this is what boggles my mind the most where my Difficult Child is concerned. He really had a good childhood, perhaps I did too much for him. Of course when I try to put thought to it I always end up coming back to genetics and how he just like my ex. and then I think about my own childhood and how have the DNA of my abusive bio-father and I am nothing like him.

If I dwell on it too much my head will start spinning.

All I know is I love my son and hope someday he will start making better life choices.

 

[BusynMember]

Tanya, you are very precious to me as well. I have learned a lot from your wisdom.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I always end up coming back to genetics and how he just like my ex. and then I think about my own childhood and how have the DNA of my abusive bio-father and I am nothing like him.

Of course.
DNA is not linear.
Any one of us MAY have traits from our Mom. Or our Dad. Or some mix. Or be a throwback for a few generations to a line of the family we don't even know about.
When we see certain traits that are like the previous generation, we can make the link.
Sometimes... it isn't so obvious.

And not everything is DNA. The first three years of life are a huge factor. Abuse at any age (and from any source) is a factor. Brain injuries. Illness. Many, many things shape us.

 

[ctmom05]

what an interesting discussion this is

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

All the brothers were encouraged to alienate whichever one their mother targeted

HOLY COW

"I could taste the adrenaline that now flowed throughout my body," he writes. "I ran for my life.

I so get this.

She now had the power to kill.

Or to maim.

It's hard to say I don't know my famous brother but I don't."

Huh. Just like me. Not that I know anyone famous.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

By then, with Dave gone and her husband moved out, Roerva's eyes alighted on Richard. At first the abuse was physical. Then she started to branch out, excluding him from family outings, and making him drink hot Tabasco from a serving spoon. Once some of it spilt on the floor and, as he recounts in his book, she became enraged. "Lick it up. Like a dog," she yelled. Once she beat him so severely that he had to be hospitalised. But she made him promise not to tell anyone that she was responsible. "I felt a duty to protect the ongoing secret," writes Richard.

Abusers abuse because they are abusers.

There is no other reason.

It is good to realize abuse is the impersonal thing it is.

No guilt, no shame.

His other brothers, with whom Richard has very limited contact, and grandmother feel Richard, like Dave, has exaggerated their mother's behaviour. Their grandmother once said of Dave's writing: "His books should be in the fiction section."

It is hard to believe people like this ~ people who are cowardly, and who abuse those who cannot, by any definition, protect themselves ~ actually committed the acts they have been accused of.

It's like the beheadings happening, today.

They aren't even ashamed of themselves, because they have convinced themselves they have some right to take another person's life.

Same thing.

I had it cremated with her

Good.

I find this old article rather interesting when it comes to him:

It is a strangeness that we don't want these terrible things to be true.

Surely, this cannot be part of what it is to be human. Surely, we are better than this.

I have not been through what this person has been through. But I have been targeted by someone taken in rage. The frightening thing is that you don't know, until you are still alive, that you are going to live or to die.

More later.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

He catalogues horrible incident after horrible incident by detail, but never much describes the feelings

A therapist explained to me that we will not have the feelings until we feel safe enough within our own identities to do so.

That requires trust. Trust in ourselves requires an internal locus of control.

That is why the Frankenstein imagery is so powerful for me.

I was very sorry to read about your childhood, SuZir. You have made a remarkable recovery. Your statements here are well written and you take a back seat to no one.

Good for you.

I also understand that emotional distancing from actual happenings is not uncommon symptom in severe trauma disorders

I think it would make a difference if the person abusing you is your own mother. There is no safe harbor, no fantasy of rescue.

there are many different ways to abuse a child. Abuse is abuse. I consider myself one of the lucky ones that was able to survive and go on to have a good life while so many end up as prostitutes, alcoholics, drug addicts, abusers themselves or all the above. Reading his book was very therapeutic for me and for that I am grateful that he shared his story.

"...there are many different ways to abuse a child."

I think Viktor Frankel defined and wrote about the keys to recovery from abuse of any kind when he wrote that we could reclaim ourselves through understanding that, though we cannot control what happens to us, we can determine our responses.

I am all about locus of control these days. Maybe that is why I am seeing it this way.

I think we need to remember that we can be rooked into abusive relationships as adults, too. We can be, as so many of us are, caught by a rapist or a financial scam artist, or can be betrayed and made to feel foolish or ashamed of ourselves in so many ways.

There are people out there, just as we learned when we were reading about the sociopaths next door, who relish destroying what they can.

If we understood their rationales, it could only be because we were that way, ourselves. So it makes sense that we don't get it, and that we spend so much time trying to figure out what was wrong enough with us to justify what they did.

There was nothing wrong with us.

Isn't that something.

Maybe that is the difference between abused kids who recover themselves through choosing kindness and those who go on to victimize. Maybe it really is a bad gene that is responsible, and our abusers, whoever they were, had that bad gene dominant.

Tanya, I wish those terrible things had never, ever happened to you, or to anyone.

As for members of the family denying any abuse happened, I too know what that is like. My grandmother, bio-fathers mother, whom I loved very much never believed me or my sisters. She would say things like "I know what you and your sisters say happened but I just don't believe it" and of course bio-father would never admit to his mother what he had done. I had the betrayal of my bio-father but also my grandmother. It's a different kind of pain, while she never hurt me physically the fact that she did not believe me hurt so deeply.

Abusers are very good at being sneaky and manipulation.

True. In that way, I am fortunate that my mom is still battling away at the world right out in the open where I can not not see it.

I don't believe it myself, sometimes.

That is why we are always thinking things like "What kind of person thinks such things about her own...." I think if we do not have that gene, we cannot understand the internal realities of those who do.

That is why we think forgiveness matters. We keep trying to love them, keep trying to give our abusers the shot at a normal, loving relationship we cannot imagine they don't want. I think I have not forgiven my abuser because I am still uncovering pockets of rage.

Lots of disbelief still sealing everything in, nice and tight, under a covering of really intense shame.

It gets all tangled up in blue, like that Bob Dylan song.

There is that little fugue of disreality, again. Like, maybe none of this really happened, and that is why it happened, to me.

Makes no sense, but that is what it feels like to doubt yourself regarding the how and why of having been targeted and hurt. Maybe it never happened at all, and that is why it happened to me.

On Peltzer and his obsession with the best seller list. External locus of control.

I have very vivid memories of what I endured. Over the years my sisters and I have discussed the abuse. My one sister has always been amazed at how well I remember things as she didn't. She repressed many of the memories but they have a way of resurfacing. A few years ago she called me to tell me that some of the memories started to come back, she shared with me what she was remembering and I was able to confirm them for her.

Oh, I am so happy for you both that you have validation.

Otherwise, we think there is something the matter with us.

Oh, good for you, Tanya!!!

And good for you both that your sister trusts you enough to be as vulnerable with you as it takes to discuss something like that.

Probably Bart won't/can't come, but everyone else will stand together and I will be comforted and if they stare at me, I will stare back. With my family at my side. I have nothing to be ashamed of and I will not be alone. And I want to honor my father one day the way he wishes to be honored even if it's uncomfortable a bit for me. It's not about me.

I love this.

Cedar

 

[Hound dog]

I believe the author was abused, however, I've believed from the moment I read it that it was greatly exaggerated with many of his stories, some may be fabricated completely. The bleach, for instance. Bleach is an acid. You drink it, heaven forbid, and it eats away at the flesh rapidly, even a small amount.

I remember shaking my head quite a lot while reading his book. He may not be a skilled writer, but I dunno, it just didn't quite ring true......childhood memories or not. I have no issue giving him the benefit of exaggeration. It could be due childhood memories (doubtful as abuse memories tend to stay vivid) or it could be a simple case of trying to fill pages, believe it or not. It's really tough for a target child of abuse over many years to sit down and think up each instance from day to day, week to week, or even sometimes year to year. Prolonged abuse tends to blend events and it has it's own "normalcy". Nor did I feel any emotion in his words, which seems extremely odd for someone telling such a story.

I was less than impressed.

I've not read the brother's book, didn't know it existed until I saw this post. Oddly, from what has been said here..........HIS story rings true, complete it seems with more emotion than his brothers. The other siblings/family denying how bad it truly was isn't uncommon. In their eyes, from their perspective, it wasn't that bad as it wasn't directed fully at them.

I lived 18 yrs as a target child. My sibs weren't spared but it was nowhere the same degree. They will say that mom was a control freak and a bit loony (the latter they can just now admit in their 50's) but they honestly do not see the abuse per se. Sadly, they've also repeated much of it themselves due to it. They don't see it as abuse because they weren't the target. And yes, often, they took on this brothers role as well. The abusive environment was "normal" for them as well. It's like trying to convince Travis his eyesight had deteriorated to legal blindness. For him, it was "normal", he had adapted. He didn't see what the big deal was because he had no memories of what life was like with normal vision.

Extended family is a whole other matter. They may or may not see enough to draw the conclusion that a child is being abused. If they do see enough, there is the whole slippery slop of evidence needed to turn them in. Then of course there is the repercussions of having taken that step. If the family (including extended) is dysfunctional enough, the are less likely to recognize abuse as abuse.

Also for the entire family, due to the two brothers coming out, they now are forced to examine their own lives, which puts them into a very uncomfortable position if they are firmly seated in denial.

I've spoken out about my childhood abuse. BDTD The major uproar it caused within the entire family you would just not believe......still causes some 30 yrs later.

While I could tell you stories that would give you nightmares, I doubt I could fill a book with them. Not because I don't have years to draw from, but because for me it was "normal" and it does tend to blend together.

Abusers abuse because it makes them feel powerful and in control. Period. Mental illness is not required.

 

[SuZir]

It is long time ago I read the book, but I remember thinking at the time, not only the fact that he should be dead or severely health impaired, due the abuse he describes, but what he did or didn't write. First thing is, that he seems to remember so well every individual happening instead of things blending together like Hound Dog described. But that of course could be a trick of memory. When you try to think back something, it is very possible that while your memories do blend together and mix, you do not recognize it and you kind of create a new, linear memory. It can be very difficult thing in the court and so on, because you feel that things A and B and C happened at that same evening at that certain time and then the evidence shows that it didn't. When actually it can be that B happened that night (or month before or after) and A and C happened in some other time even a year or two apart. When something bad happens and it happens all the time, it is very difficult to keep up the linear memory of it.

What I found odd, that he didn't write about, if my memory serves me right, was how little there was description of the anticipation if something would happen today. Waiting to hear or see in what mood the abuser was, trying to please them, being afraid of doing this or that wrong that could set them off. Trying to figure out, what exactly you do, that causes this and how to avoid it. And with young children that often turns to magical thinking. If I just flip my hand three times and keep saying this sentence and don't step the red stones when I come home, everything will be alright. Not having any control is so scary that human beings like to make up anything that make them feel they have some control. And when child is in question, the ways to imagine that control can be very imaginative. And by the way, when that imagined control shatters, especially if the abuser has let you understand you do have that control and then takes it away, that really breaks a person (and is well known torture and brainwashing tool even for adults.)

I don't know how many of you is familiar with Rolling Stone's 'A Rape on Campus'-story. It was rather believable false story about a rape. Or more so, it was a rape story that didn't happen at the time, place or by the people, the victim claimed it did. In my neck of woods there were a similar story about bullying and a kid committing suicide because of that and parents wanting to tell the story, that actually did fly much longer, before some more critical journalists found out it was a hoax orchestrated by a would-be writer, who came up with the story, was a public face of it and also wrote blogs in the name of the parents and a diary of the dead girl. Thing in these types of situations is, that there was no rape on the campus that night nor was there a girl who committed suicide. But that doesn't mean there wasn't the rape, or there wasn't that inhuman, relentless bullying that could had caused a girl to commit suicide. There may have well been. In fact it feels likely there was. It just wasn't at that time nor at that place.

 

[BusynMember]

I've read about the author and I don't think HE wrote the book. I think he relayed the stories to his editor, who ended up marrying him, and she wrote it, which may explain the lack of emotion.

Whether or not every little detail is true, this is the typical dynamics of family abuse. You get the non-targets who say it wasn't so bad as they want to think it wasn't and they didn't have it so bad, if bad at all. They may even think the kid deserved it. You get the extended family and their two cents...I am so happy I have virtually no extended family. Sometimes abuse memoirs sound like the family was at war...we didn't have enough people for that.

I do know that my brother and sister do not see any abuse from my mother and think I'm lying, but I'm not. So I see this dynamic (and read about it as well) in more than just the Pelzer book. Usually the siblings will say, "Well, she had a hot temper" or "yes, she was a little crazy, but not that bad" because it was that way for them. My sister did get a lot of more neglect than abuse in her early years and it has affected her greatly. I'd feel badly about it if she had any caring for my own experience. My brother is so out of it...she never raised her voice to him. He was God. She even kind of used him as a surrogate husband (not sexulally) but as a friend and sometbody she relied on for making decisions...he would have no clue. Obviously she told her side of the story. I never recall getting a chance or being asked for mine...he just does not get it because he was treated like he was a king. I understand him more thatn Sis who has had many issues because of our upbringing. But, in t he end, we all want to think our parents are good people and we are often willing to overlook a lot and it is easier to target a sibling than a parent.

Russell probably wrote his own book so it came across as more emotional. David shows me he has been abused by the incredible interest he has in abused and foster children. One does not make something a life focus if it doesn't hit home. You don't have that passion to reach out to unwanted children if you felt wanted...at least not in the same way abused/neglected adults do.

I think that, along with abuse of any kind, be it verbal destruction, physical violence, or sexual abuse or all three, you develop problems, but you always tend to have compassion that other people do not understand. My first husband used to say, "Stop sending stuff to those poor people! You can't keep sending money and your clothes to other pe ople. YOU need it." He didn't use that wording. He was puzzled and annoyed that I cared about some woman with epilespy who couldn't work and had no coat for herself or her daughter. I had five coats. He did not get why I sent her three warm coats. I also sent money. That particular story really hurt my heart as well as many others. I've had people ask my why I volunteer because I don't get paid.

If you are the scapegoat, it changes you. It sets you apart from other people and you feel different and often you stay to yourself, except when you find a cause you can relate to and can help. You get hypervigilent too about abuse and can tell when somebody else is being harassed and in my case, if it's physical, I will intervene. The second time around, I had to marry a compassionate man with a big heart. I was not done helping kids...I wanted more kids. I wanted to help animals. He loves animals too.

Done rambling, but I see indication in David Pelzer's real life that he was definitely abused badly. Most people do not worry about misplaced, sad, unloved children and he makes it his life's work to try and help them.

You will not ever see an abuser doing something like that.

 

[Lil]

I've read about the author and I don't think HE wrote the book. I think he relayed the stories to his editor, who ended up marrying him, and she wrote it, which may explain the lack of emotion.

I was actually thinking the same thing. If the book was biographical, as opposed to autobiographical, that would explain a lot.

 

[Ernie]

Dave Pelzer is a liar! This is my story. I don't know if he is a family member (s) or cousin (s) or class mate combination thereof, but his name is NOT Dave Pelzer. I'd like to meet this piece of sh*t in person. While I have forgiven and FORGOTTEN the sins of my mother, there a few results (not the abuser themselves, I can remember. Due to a rattlesnake bite in grade school, I have lived as an outcast and in near poverty. This piece of work has lived off of MY life. I only happened to stumble upon the story a few years ago. Then some of the results of the abuse came to my mind. Come on Dave, meet me in person, you piece of sh*t. It has made it hard on my mom to, who I still love, since this book keeps it before the public.

 

[ctmom05]

Ernie,

I don't really understand your caustic attitude towards Mr. Pelzer

 

[Ernie]

Ernie,

I don't really understand your caustic attitude towards Mr. Pelzer

Because the piece of sh*t stole my life story, which should never been published. I have forgiven and forgotten the sins that my mom committed. I can only remember a few of the after effects of the results of the sins, but not the sins themselves. And you can't understand it? This so called person is living on easy street while I have been pushed aside by society, me and my family used by this person for their own personal gain, and you can't understand my so called "caustic" attitude? I can't understand your lack of education and lack of a heart.

 

[Rtg43]

Well...I believe him. It is typical for abused kids to not be believed. Happens in foster care all the time. And happens to those sexually abused. Even if she did half of what he said she did, she is a monster. It is interesting how most people have jumped on him as if he were the problem. David was taken from his mother at age twelve and had many years to recover before he joined the service. I don't see it as unbelievable. People in the service get hurt in the service and still go back and finish serving. I just don't see his childhood injuries affecting him so much later. He ended up in a good foster home and they treated him well...

Nothing life threatening happened to me, but mind breaking, yes. I am attracted to books of abused children. I am not sure why. Maybe I relate. The abuse they suffered was much worse than me as sexual abuse also comes into the picture and there is always family who says it didn't happen.

There are people who deny the Holocaust. LOTS of them. I used to chat with some of them on my #politics channel. They truly did not believe it and had plenty of "logical" reasoning to back up why it was a big Jewish lie that most people bought, but it wasn't true. Some people will deny anything.

This is why abuse is allowed to continue. I believe, and this could have changed since I heard, that history books in Japan do not include the Halocaust at all in an attempt to deny. It is amazing what people will deny to save face of their people...

The books about child abuse are always weirdly the same. The kids are abused, they ask for help, the abuser threatens to kill them and then smiles while the social workers are there and since there is no proof, the parent gets the kids back. I have been a child advocate since my childhood, hoping to make the differnce in the lives of children through foster care and adoption. My own childhood had traumatized me to that point...I wanted all kids to feel loved.


I do think the younger brother probably wanted to cash in on the first one's fame and fortune, which I'm glad he achieved. However, I also think Russell (his real name as stated in his book) was still brave to tell his story and deserves the money he got. People wanted to hear more about the craziness and lots of us do believe him. And he and David have to put up with those who don't believe them, like some of my friends here, and you put yourself out there when you tell about what you went through. So it's not all fame and fortune. Richard, in particular, has had as difficult life. He is one of my heroes.

The State of California said that David's case was the third worse abuse case they'd ever seen. He must have been in terrible shape when they got him. There is proof he was abused. Whether or not his memory tricked him or he lied (which I don't believe) or he just was treated like a prince and wrote a book to make money, he was starving when he was taken from his mother. That much is documented.

When a woman is raped, she can't prove it. Most don't even bother to report it, at least in the U.S. because the guy will say it was consensual and it will be a "he said" "she said." That doesn't mean she wasn't raped. Kids are bullied badly at school. That can impact your later life too and very few get punished for it. The bullied one is blamed.

Bad things happen all the time and the reason I use this site as sounding boards is because we certainly are not going to tell this stuff to our next door neighbors and sometimes a therapist is not enough. I'm talking about the problems some of us have had with our adult children too. How would you like it if you told somebody and were told, "Oh, come on. He'd be dead if he used that much dope. You're exaggerating." Or worse, "What did YOU do to make him that way? I think you're lying about your own child to make yourself a victim and to look good, like you're such a great mom and I don't believe he stole from you. If he had, you'd have called the cops. Anyone would." What if we didn't believe one another?

We hurt and want people to know what has happened and what can happen to anyone's child. That's why I come here. Very few outside of this place know how I really feel aobu tmy FOO and the experience I lived. In fact, until I knew my siblings read this, even they had no idea how bad I thought it was. And how much it had affected me at one time. I told only two extremely close friends, one who has sadly passed on and another whom I still trust and talk to. ONe is already an angel. The other will be.

This has always been a safe forum for me. Nobody, at least, has told me I'm full of crap...lol.

If some of you think the story couldn't have happened, I respect your opinions. I do think the majority who read it, however, who have suffered from any abuse do believe it. I think it is much harder to believe it if you had a loving family. Let's face it. Mothers are supposed to love you. The true fact is, not all mothers do.

My mother never loved me, not from her pregnancy to her death. There was nothing I could do to make her. She mocked me. She called me horrible names (and I probably called her horrible names back as it was so hurtful). But she was the mom and she started it at a very young age. And I knew it.

I believe David Pelzer. And I know my mother hated me too. I just glad her hate did not ruin my life and that I got help early.

I agree many people do not believe abused children; often citing inconsistencies in their stories. However a child’s memory is a child’s memory and they can only recount from a child’s perspective. There is no denying a child injuries or other abuse when it comes up in physical exams. However, so many still deny the abuse a child has suffered attempting to diminish the harm. Mothers are supposed to love their children, mothers are often venerated for being the best of the best in our society. But not all mothers are.

 

[FranP]

This book affected me greatly. Depersonalizing can cause cruelty. Reading this made me very aware how easy it could be to isolate difficult child and secondly be cruel. I never doubted the abuse of this child. I work hard to remember the humanity even when it isn’t always obvious.