Thinking of buying a mobile home for my dysfunctional 40 year old daughter

[No-Co-De]

This is my first post here. I am posting about my dysfunctional daughter (daughter). She is currently living with me as of four days ago. Before that I had rented an Airbnb for a month for her to stay in after she got out of a 28 day program. Before that she was living with a man she met on a dating app a few months prior. Before that she had been married three different times and has two daughters from two of those husbands. These two granddaughters of mine are now living with their fathers.

Just prior to rehab she had been hospitalized for malnutrition, alcohol abuse disorder and internal bleeding. She was in the hospital for a month, which included two weeks of an inpatient PT program to get her walking again.

After the Airbnb time was up, she called me and asked if she could come home. She said she was very depressed and physically very weak. I told her that she could temporary early and I would help her get back on her feet. This will include things like taking her to doctors appointments, making sure she eats, does physical therapy, and goes to AA meetings. And we talked today about her needing to See a therapist or psychiatrist to deal with her depression and see if there are medications that would help her. She is very agreeable to that. She’s been agreeable to everything. I told her I was going to look for a mobile home to purchase and put her furnishings in (which have been in storage) . I would rent it out month-to-month until she’s ready to move in. I thought she would be not on board with this because she would think she’s too good for a mobile home and because she absolutely hates to be alone. But she said that sounded great, when she is ready to be on her own.

Has anyone else had similar experiences with purchasing a place for their adult child to live independently? I know in some cases I’ve read it doesn’t work and the child doesn’t want to live there and then they’re stuck selling it. I’m curious if there are any success stories out there with this method of helping an adult child who is reached the stage in their life and has no place to live other than family.

 

[ksm]

I would be concerned about who she might move in to the home with her. Or if she would have pets that she would not properly care for? Or can she keep the utilities paid up? If you can afford to do all that, then I certainly understand wanting to help her, and at the same time have your own house back.

You might search for "Nomad" a poster which bought their daughter a condo and all that went wrong. It's really scary. Maybe she will post about her ordeal.

It's hard to know what to do...and how to help. Has she app.Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) for low cost housing? It wouldn't hurt to see if she qualifies and get on a waiting list as a back up plan. And maybe apply social security disability. I'm sure others will post more ideas. Ksm

 

[Copabanana]

Has anyone else had similar experiences with purchasing a place for their adult child to live independently?

I have never heard of a story that turned out well. I bought a house. A disaster! Nomad bought a condo. A disaster.
I wish I could be more hopeful but based upon my experience, it did not work in the way I had hoped. I have the house rented out now. In that sense it's okay. I may let my son come back to the apartment on the same lot. I am sure everybody who knows me thinks I need my head examined.

 

[ksm]

I think my post was auto corrected on the last paragraph.

Should say...
It's hard to know what to do. Has she applied for low cost housing? It wouldn't hurt to see if she qualifies and get on a waiting list as a back up plan. And maybe apply social security disability. I'm sure others will post more ideas. Ksm

 

[Deni D]

I've seen some pretty cute mobile homes, depends on their shape and where they are.

With her the big question is "Can she handle living independently?" I'm assuming you are okay with paying her bills, lot cost and whatnot, but that's only part of it. She would need to be able to take care of herself and her surroundings.

Like KSM said, bringing someone else in sounds like it could be an issue, especially because you wrote that she hates to be alone.

If you are going to do this ~ if there's a way for her to have a social worker who she will not have a choice other than to listen to, and will hold her feet to the fire, that would good. I'm not sure how you would go about getting someone like that who wouldn't be linked with a non-profit who provides the housing.

 

[SlimMunky]

Was thinking about the same, buying a mobile home maybe cheap for $10K so my daughter isn't in my house. She's only 19 but 8 yrs of crazy chaos with-out diagnosis. She's in jail now & that's where I'm leaving her. Mama's tough love through tears!

 

[Copabanana]

I'm not sure how you would go about getting someone like that who wouldn't be linked with a non-profit who provides the housing.

Where i live the Rescue Mission provides free housing in Sober Living Homes. They have a program that involves counseling, treatment, social and life skills, and paid work. After a year or so they will set people up in subsidized apartments. They do not withdraw their oversight. But all of this is contingent on sobriety.

The thing is, our children will tell us what we want to hear, to get the prize. After that they have no incentive (except their own, if it is there) to continue to give us what we want.

I am contemplating letting my son move back into the home I bought. There is an apartment. But it will be contingent upon receiving treatment first and maintaining sobriety on the property. I will not ask for anything from him, except that. (It is a big ask.) This is because I do not want any legal commitments on my part, to him. I am finally waking up to see and accept that where I have authority is in my limits, what I need, and what I do. And I have no authority or control over him. There is only hope.

Even extending my neck out this far, I see, is a huge vulnerability for me emotionally.

 

[No-Co-De]

Thanks for the replies and ideas. I’ve been out of town but will be back tomorrow and am anxious to see her and assess how she is really doing. Hopeful for her (and me ).

 

[Fairy dust]

I bought a condo for my son. It was a disaster. Did not take care of it, didn’t pay any of the bills…..the whole thing was a mess. Add to that I was on the hook for special assessment fees because the building needed work after mold was discovered during balcony revamps. Never again.

 

[Worndown68]

This is my first post here. I am posting about my dysfunctional daughter (daughter). She is currently living with me as of four days ago. Before that I had rented an Airbnb for a month for her to stay in after she got out of a 28 day program. Before that she was living with a man she met on a dating app a few months prior. Before that she had been married three different times and has two daughters from two of those husbands. These two granddaughters of mine are now living with their fathers.

Just prior to rehab she had been hospitalized for malnutrition, alcohol abuse disorder and internal bleeding. She was in the hospital for a month, which included two weeks of an inpatient PT program to get her walking again.

After the Airbnb time was up, she called me and asked if she could come home. She said she was very depressed and physically very weak. I told her that she could temporary early and I would help her get back on her feet. This will include things like taking her to doctors appointments, making sure she eats, does physical therapy, and goes to AA meetings. And we talked today about her needing to See a therapist or psychiatrist to deal with her depression and see if there are medications that would help her. She is very agreeable to that. She’s been agreeable to everything. I told her I was going to look for a mobile home to purchase and put her furnishings in (which have been in storage) . I would rent it out month-to-month until she’s ready to move in. I thought she would be not on board with this because she would think she’s too good for a mobile home and because she absolutely hates to be alone. But she said that sounded great, when she is ready to be on her own.

Has anyone else had similar experiences with purchasing a place for their adult child to live independently? I know in some cases I’ve read it doesn’t work and the child doesn’t want to live there and then they’re stuck selling it. I’m curious if there are any success stories out there with this method of helping an adult child who is reached the stage in their life and has no place to live other than family.

I bought a condo for my son. It was a disaster. Did not take care of it, didn’t pay any of the bills…..the whole thing was a mess. Add to that I was on the hook for special assessment fees because the building needed work after mold was discovered during balcony revamps. Never again.

I sold my car in 2000 to put the deposit on a little property and hoped my then 27yr old would be able to rent it for a nominal rent, get used to paying bills and hopefully get a loan to buy it herself. I did it because her twin sister was in a relationship and engaged.
It was a nightmare from the start. She became involved with a man who smoked crack. He moved in and his sister too! It became a doss house.
She ended that relationship eventually so I fixed up the little single story house and added a second floor with a nice deck.
It became an adorable little home, however her relationship with neighbors was very difficult, a few years later I found a single family home 2 bedrooms with no homeowners association. It was 2 bedrooms because her sister was having marital problems and as all involved were alcoholic I could see her needing somewhere to live soon too.
Again the house was adorable and initially she was ecstatic and her and her boyfriend agreed to pay $400 a month.
That never happened, the house became destroyed with dog urine and general filth.
My daughter never slept in her bedroom, just lived on the couch…the bedroom was a hoarding room, full of black trashbags and unworn clothes with tags still attached?
She had a couple of retail jobs over the years but never full time. Always falling out with co workers or her sister and posting everything on FB. Her sister did move in so I put deadbolts on both their bedroom doors because they tend to steal.
The arrangement didn’t work out and it ended after a drunken fight with cops taking her away and some injury to her foot that required surgery. There is so very much more but that is enough to explain that she was thrilled to start with but had no intention of working and having pride in herself.
I wish I could believe you may have better luck but honestly I’m worried for you. Hugs anyway

 

[Fairy dust]

Hugs to all of us who have tried, and tried and tried To no avail. The real change and want to change has to come from the person themself. The day I finally realized after many years that I had no control was the most liberating. I apologized to myself for allowing this abuse and madness to have impacted me the way it did. Through counselling (a lot of) I finally rid myself of the fog, and focused on my self care. interestingly as I improved so did he to the extent that he wanted to. Yes there are still ups and downs but I have boundaries in place and will not tolerate that type of abuse ever again. Our relationship will never be what I had envisioned, but I can finally accept that. I can see clearly now that my wants may not be his. And that’s okay!

 

[Looking For Hope]

Hugs to all of us who have tried, and tried and tried To no avail. The real change and want to change has to come from the person themself. The day I finally realized after many years that I had no control was the most liberating. I apologized to myself for allowing this abuse and madness to have impacted me the way it did. Through counselling (a lot of) I finally rid myself of the fog, and focused on my self care. interestingly as I improved so did he to the extent that he wanted to. Yes there are still ups and downs but I have boundaries in place and will not tolerate that type of abuse ever again. Our relationship will never be what I had envisioned, but I can finally accept that. I can see clearly now that my wants may not be his. And that’s okay!

My 46 year old daughter has been homeless for many years. She says there is "nothing wrong with her". She claims everyone is abusing her and that her items in storage are being stolen or ruined by the office clerk. She is being evicted from her storage unit and claims she will get an apartment on her own. I don't know who will be willing to rent to her since she is not coherent and is paranoid. She will probably have to move her stuff somewhere. She says I do not care about her. We tried to buy her a condo but she refused to live there unless the title was in her name. Her body is breaking down slowly, but she cannot live with me. She is verbally abusive and judgmental. Her step-father does not want her here. I am just trying to live a peaceful live. I don't want to get a second round of breast cancer from this stress.

 

[ksm]

Hugs. Sometimes there just isn't a good solution. Take care of your self... Ksm

 

[MommaTried24]

I bought my son a very nice mobile home when he was 20. He and his girlfriend put it on her parents property to live. That lasted about four months? He brought it to my house when he left thankfully but it was completely trashed. Filthy dirty and the floors had never been swept. They had gotten a puppy and it had pooped diarrhea all over the carpet in the living room and they half ass tried to clean it up. It stunk so bad and there was trash and garbage and even her used tampons all over the floors. It was nasty and sickening. I made him pick up all the trash and then I cleaned it myself. He said he didn't mess it up that she did? I said well I bought it for you so I'd hoped you'd want to take care of it. Nope, even after he got it home he had no interest in taking care of it. I rented a carpet cleaner and got it all cleaned up and looking nice again and sold it to the first person that looked at it. I luckily got all of the money back I had bought it for.

Eight years later he wanted me to buy him a tiny home and put it on the lot next to my house. I had seriously contemplated doing that but he had been drinking, getting in trouble with the law, tried rehab once for 28 days (to get out of going back to jail) and got kicked out of the halfway house for not following the rules. He's been pretty much homeless every since. He's staying with a friend at the moment after his last stint in jail for five months. I told him the only way I would help him is if he helps himself first. He has to show me first. I've made it very clear that he can never come back home. He will have to go back to rehab and then a halfway house and be sober at least a year before I would ever consider helping again. Sounds so harsh but it's true.

Bottom line is, very rarely does buying our adult children a place to live ever work out. As my boss always says, people do not value what they get for free. My prayers go out to all of us who are dealing with adult children who can't and/or won't try and get it together.

 

[lovemysons]

I understand. I don’t think your conditions are harsh at all!

Yes…your son has a lot to prove at this point.
I hope he does.

 

[Crayola14]

It’s hard to understand letting any kind of living accommodations get like that, whether it’s a camper, mobile home, condo, apartment, etc. I’ve seen people try to sell cars infested with mice. I’ll never comprehend things like that. I have to wonder what the occupants were doing and thinking for such a mess to have happened. Keeping garbage is unthinkable to me. Using a trash bag is easy.

 

[MommaTried24]

Thank you lovemysons and Amen Crayola14!!!